Ask a Hotwife Thread, to be answered by VHWs only!

[Farmgirl]

Dear VHWs,

For the 3 years we've been into this lifeatylez my wife's encounters have always excluded me. I'm trying to ease her into the practice of me watching at least occasionally, but so far she's been resistant. What are the advantages of having hubby present, from your perspective? What are the hangups to overcome? How does she evolve to feel my presence as something other than a distraction?

I'm not sure I'm going to be all that much help as other than one time, I play solo. My husband had wanted to watch for years and so, I had the opportunity while we were traveling to meet up with a nice gentleman from OHW. My Number1 got his chance to see me in action and I do believe he loved it.
I love playing alone and then coming home and telling him all about it. It lets me be, well, me. He knows that is how I prefer it and he wants me to have fun being me.
Me, knowing he would like to watch some more, I make sure to tell him in words, ways, and enthusiasm, just what he wants to hear! I "paint" him a better picture than he would see if there. When one sees or looks upon something, a lot of detail is lost in the overload of the senses. But, when a "picture" is studied or described in detail, then all of the mesmerizing, amazing things burst forward!
I make sure that what he sees in his mind never leaves him feeling left out.
And to borrow a line from @Liese, That way, "I know I'm bringing joy and pleasure to him", just as I'm receiving joy and pleasure from him.

Maybe, one day you can watch your wife. My Number1 says he after having done so is just as happy with my retelling . If it's not ever to be her thing, don't let it stop the boundless pleasure the two of you share in her being your Hotwife. Revel in the wonderful thing you have, you're not short-changed!

[Sophie]

Dear VHWs,

For the 3 years we've been into this lifeatylez my wife's encounters have always excluded me. I'm trying to ease her into the practice of me watching at least occasionally, but so far she's been resistant. What are the advantages of having hubby present, from your perspective? What are the hangups to overcome? How does she evolve to feel my presence as something other than a distraction?

Hi Parsifal,

I think if I tell you some of the things that my husband uses on me to try and get me to let him watch when I have a long term lover is probably best I can do to answer your post. First though my hubby is there to watch most times, it's only when I feel totally secure and safe with a lover that hubby is not there for all of the visit. His presence is less as time goes by, read my others posts to see how this is for us.

Hubby asks questions that he knows, I will find easy to answer, so that he is taking up my time with talking together, without any real substance or result. Questions like did he come inside you and what noises did he make. Most lovers once they have gotten to know you enough, fall back to being very same each time with their 'cumming performance', 'Oh God' or 'Yes yes' or the really loud lion roar etc. I think you will know what I mean.

He will also puts on an act of being more thoughtful towards me, so I pick up on it and ask why, then relating he feels a bit left out, and is concerned we are becoming a bit disconnected, again you can see where it leads.

The sure fire one is double booking so he can not be around and I have to check what is happening, he subtly uses this to say he is becoming less involved and being a bit disconnected again.

He will also find an article on some couple related sex, that he thinks, would add something to my lover and me, in an attempt to make me want him there as a safety man in case it goes wrong trying it.

He will use the in my face tactic, by saying you can tell me XYZ, but I love watching you smile when your lover is getting all your buttons pushed correctly. He uses this to get at least a video of the session, that then leads to oh I can't see all of what happened as the camera is fixed position and so he then tries the easy answer plan as detailed above.

It is difficult to give you ideas without knowing your wife and how she is with you.

Remember she is your wife and you are her husband and being a hotwife is for her pleasure and you will only get what she wants you to get from her being a hotwife. You have to understand and consider, if you push her, she may just stop being a hotwife, as it's her decision in the end no matter what you think.

Hope this helps.

Sophie

[Parsifal]

Revel in the wonderful thing you have, you're not short-changed!

Farmgirl,

You are always so wise. I understand your sentiment all too well, and yet the way you couch it here makes it so easy to embrace. Yours will be sweet consolation if I can't help her to grow to include me in some of her adventures.

Parsifal

[Parsifal]

I know I'm bringing joy and pleasure to him in the same moment that I'm receiving joy and pleasure.

For her, it's never a question of feeling safe, and our reclaiming aex is already amazing even with her playing solo and doing the tell-all as foreplay. But the sentence I quoted above of yours is an idea that is currently foreign to her, which is -- a wife can, in a sense, have a sexual experience with her husband as she is also having sex with her outside lover. For her, there is something being received and given in both directions. Like compersion, the ability to make love in multiple directions is something not all people are emotionally or intellectually capable of, although there may be ways to acquire enough curiosity for it that one can perhaps develop a taste for it.

[Parsifal]

It is difficult to give you ideas without knowing your wife and how she is with you.

Thank you Sophie. Let me give you a little more background and see what else you might suggest.

My wife is essentially an introvert and an intensely private person. She has a strong, rebellious, independent libertarian side that is also highly erotic that she hides beneath a vanilla, sweet, reserved, conservative, girl next door persona. It took me about 7 years of dedicated work to unlock the inner self and another 2 to help her integrate both sides of her character as a hotwife so she can be happier and so I can love all sides and aspects of her more fully.

The problem for her is that sex is an deeply private and intimate experience that you share with the person you're having sex with. A spectator to that kind of private coupling becomes a distraction. Farmgirl's post in response to my dilemma well expresses the sentiment - I want to be me when I'm screwing someone and can't be so easily if you're watching me.

There may be a chink in the armor in one respect. As it is with many couples who play these games, one of the most productive engines of growth is joint fantasizing. Over the course of our marriage, her fantasies tend to become ours. Hers become mine, and I am, by nature, highly empathetic and compersive This is how it is to get close to an introverted woman.

One of her long running fantasies is of making a sex video of herself and another lover - for me, but without me present. I have already arranged for her to do a glamor photo shoot au naturel, in Seattle. (You can find the link to it in the Hotties section; she is Galetea). Perhaps encouraging her to take that half step and her allowing me to cross into her private world via her role playing a porn star will be the path I should take. Do you make videos for your husband to watch of you? Do you connect with him that way?

[Sophie]

It is difficult to give you ideas without knowing your wife and how she is with you.

Thank you Sophie. Let me give you a little more background and see what else you might suggest.

My wife is essentially an introvert and an intensely private person. She has a strong, rebellious, independent libertarian side that is also highly erotic that she hides beneath a vanilla, sweet, reserved, conservative, girl next door persona. It took me about 7 years of dedicated work to unlock the inner self and another 2 to help her integrate both sides of her character as a hotwife so she can be happier and so I can love all sides and aspects of her more fully.

The problem for her is that sex is an deeply private and intimate experience that you share with the person you're having sex with. A spectator to that kind of private coupling becomes a distraction. Farmgirl's post in response to my dilemma well expresses the sentiment - I want to be me when I'm screwing someone and can't be so easily if you're watching me.

There may be a chink in the armor in one respect. As it is with many couples who play these games, one of the most productive engines of growth is joint fantasizing. Over the course of our marriage, her fantasies tend to become ours. Hers become mine, and I am, by nature, highly empathetic and compersive This is how it is to get close to an introverted woman.

One of her long running fantasies is of making a sex video of herself and another lover - for me, but without me present. I have already arranged for her to do a glamor photo shoot au naturel, in Seattle. (You can find the link to it in the Hotties section; she is Galetea). Perhaps encouraging her to take that half step and her allowing me to cross into her private world via her role playing a porn star will be the path I should take. Do you make videos for your husband to watch of you? Do you connect with him that way?

I have read your post several times and dealing with an introverted person, and other personallity traits for me is an every day occurrence in my profession, however it is not when it concerns sexual relationships, and think I am not best placed to advise you.

It is good as you have obviously taken the time to research the necessary information on your wife.

Sorry if this is not helpful.

Sophie.

[Farmgirl]

How do I get my religious wife who says she only wants to be with me and hates the idea of another man to try it without ruining my marriage. I love her and don’t want anything to end our 20 year marriage so if I have to quit trying for this fantasy I will but I want to watch her one time with stranger so badly.

It's not about you, "I want to watch her one time with stranger so badly." It's about what she wants. Handled the right way and with time as she begins to trust you, she might want to do it her way. Forget the script in your head, she won't want to follow it. If you are being the husband she wants and not just the one you think you are, then it gets easier as the two of you will begin to actually communicate, listening to each other.

[tomky]

It's not about you, "I want to watch her one time with stranger so badly." It's about what she wants. Handled the right way and with time as she begins to trust you, she might want to do it her way. Forget the script in your head, she won't want to follow it. If you are being the husband she wants and not just the one you think you are, then it gets easier as the two of you will begin to actually communicate, listening to each other.

This is so well said Farmgirl, thank you!

[inactiveduty]

Does one of you think it's possible to get a girlfriend interested in this or is this better saved til marriage?

[Sophie]

It does not matter if you are married or not.

It is best if you are in a committed to each other relationship with plenty of communication between both of you for this to work.

Sophie.

[early-kink]

Does one of you think it's possible to get a girlfriend interested in this or is this better saved til marriage?

Please forgive me for butting in on the HW thread - but I can verify what Sophie said just above here. I had such a HGF arrangement some years ago just as Sophie explained. IT WAS HOT !!!!! So yes ............... It can be done with a GF.

I hope I didn't offend the HW ladies by chiming in!!!! Just trying to be of help.

[LuvMyFitWife]

A couple of questions to VHWs.

Do any of you find that a rendezvous once a month or so meets your needs? I’d be into this but that is the frequency I could see working for my wife and I. Again, I know everyone is different.

Do you feel mellower after a rendezvous with your boyfriend? I just know that the day-to-day grind seems to wear my wife down, and I think ( rightly or wrongly ) that an evening or night of pleasure without thinking of the same old worries must really restore some calm and make women feel appreciated. If so, is the 'mellowing' effect longer, shorter or no different than when you make love to your husband?

Thanks in advance. I always find the responses from the HWs are well-considered and grounded in reality and I appreciate that.

[Sophie]

Does one of you think it's possible to get a girlfriend interested in this or is this better saved til marriage?

Please forgive me for butting in on the HW thread - but I can verify what Sophie said just above here. I had such a HGF arrangement some years ago just as Sophie explained. IT WAS HOT !!!!! So yes ............... It can be done with a GF.

I hope I didn't offend the HW ladies by chiming in!!!! Just trying to be of help.

early-kink I for one am not offended.

Sophie.

[Farmgirl]

Does one of you think it's possible to get a girlfriend interested in this or is this better saved til marriage?

Please forgive me for butting in on the HW thread - but I can verify what Sophie said just above here. I had such a HGF arrangement some years ago just as Sophie explained. IT WAS HOT !!!!! So yes ............... It can be done with a GF.

I hope I didn't offend the HW ladies by chiming in!!!! Just trying to be of help.

I'm not at all offended and, I enjoy it when you and I have discussions. BUT!, this thread is for guys to ask questions. Rules are for a reason, I know how you guys are, give you an inch and you'll claim it's six.

[Liese]

I know how you guys are, give you an inch and you'll claim it's six.

So true!

If guys start giving their answers in this thread, with all the subsequent mansplaining that will inevitably accompany many of those answers, I'm not going to put my two cents in here. Not a threat, just a fact.

[2inUPMichigan]

How do I get my religious wife who says she only wants to be with me and hates the idea of another man to try it without ruining my marriage. I love her and don’t want anything to end our 20 year marriage so if I have to quit trying for this fantasy I will but I want to watch her one time with stranger so badly.

One time? Are you sure that is what you want?

You so very badly want to see her with a stranger one time and then .....you won't want to anymore?
You want her to "try it".

But what if she becomes a hotwife and likes it? What if you find the reality is so much different than the fantasy? You have to think past the yes/no question.

This isn't the same thing as trying out a new restaurant. You can easily move on or agree to disagree if one of you likes a new restaurant and the other one doesn't.
If she changes the way she thinks about herself in order to become a hotwife it isn't all that easy to ignore all those changes she went through to get there.

[Sophie]

How do I get my religious wife who says she only wants to be with me and hates the idea of another man to try it without ruining my marriage. I love her and don’t want anything to end our 20 year marriage so if I have to quit trying for this fantasy I will but I want to watch her one time with stranger so badly.

One time? Are you sure that is what you want?

You so very badly want to see her with a stranger one time and then .....you won't want to anymore?
You want her to "try it".

But what if she becomes a hotwife and likes it? What if you find the reality is so much different than the fantasy? You have to think past the yes/no question.

This isn't the same thing as trying out a new restaurant. You can easily move on or agree to disagree if one of you likes a new restaurant and the other one doesn't.
If she changes the way she thinks about herself in order to become a hotwife it isn't all that easy to ignore all those changes she went through to get there.

2inUPMichigan, So well said.

Sophie.

[john18121812]

Hello VHWs,

Is your husband your primary sexual partner? Your secondary partner? Left out in the cold?

I'm sure the answer will vary greatly, depending on the VHW answering - but I'd like to get a sense of the range of answers.

I've been a lurker here for a little while. I'd describe myself as in the "contemplation phase" of this fantasy (i.e. do I even want to embrace this as a fantasy inside my own mind (let alone sharing it with my wife)). Some comments I've seen seem to promote the view that the wife's sex satisfaction is the exclusive concern of this lifestyle and that the husband must make do with whatever comes his way, which puts me off (I have needs too). It makes me wonder if I'm really stag material.

Thanks!!

[2inUPMichigan]

Welcome to OHW john18121812

You are absolutely correct the answers will vary depending on who is available to chime in. Each couple is slightly different so the dynamic will be different.

Left out in the cold? Typically the men that I read about on this site that are not having sex as much is due to their own choice or medical issues.

If you have been reading awhile then you know that there is no blueprint, no one size fits all. It is up to the two of you to discuss everything before you take that big step. Talk about exactly how each of you envision this and then how you can get those two images to work as one.

[Farmgirl]

Hello VHWs,

Is your husband your primary sexual partner? Your secondary partner? Left out in the cold?

I'm sure the answer will vary greatly, depending on the VHW answering - but I'd like to get a sense of the range of answers.

I've been a lurker here for a little while. I'd describe myself as in the "contemplation phase" of this fantasy (i.e. do I even want to embrace this as a fantasy inside my own mind (let alone sharing it with my wife)). Some comments I've seen seem to promote the view that the wife's sex satisfaction is the exclusive concern of this lifestyle and that the husband must make do with whatever comes his way, which puts me off (I have needs too). It makes me wonder if I'm really stag material.

Thanks!!

My husband is the primary and best sexual partner. He gets me more than the others, he has me every time they do plus whenever he wants. He is my husband and the love of my life. My sexual satisfaction does come first but, you see, that is how my husband wants it. Who am I to complain . And it has been this way for so long that I now expect it. It's not that he is ever in second place, he is my Number1!
Remember when you read things, the denial play is as much for the husband as it is for the wife!

[Burt]

My wife is finally (I think) starting to embrace the concept of getting sex from a 3rd party, after 10-15 years of pillow talk, MFM videos, dildo vibrators, and many many suggestions. I feel that I've presented my reasons for wanting her to go outside our marriage for her sexual enjoyment in no uncertain terms but never pressuring her. Our sex frequency has dropped way off in recent years. I've put no stipulations or rules on her exploring this adventure thus far. This pillow talk seems to have led us to less and less sex, but we always do the same routine. She is always the one to give the sex green light-starts with playful talk early in the day or evening - then fooling around on the couch. Then she takes a quick bath. I get a 3some video going. I get some lube and a dildo/vibrator ready. She gets in bed and I start playing with her tits- slowly working down stairs. After she starts to respond to my fingers and mouth, we get the dildo involved. That goes on until she says enough is enough. I get up in bed laying next to her- and we watch the video together. She starts to rub my dick and get me hard. I usually only get half way hard and so I try to get it in anyway. Sometime I do the masturbation myself to get it harder. And from there I can barely get it hard enough to finish off in her. (At least that was the last few times) we had sex last on 6/22 (Fathers Day). She has made some headway in that we do a lot of playful innuendo outside the bedroom. I tell her how hot and sexy she is. She still works, and is tired in the evenings. But there is something about me that means: she doesn't get "in the mood" very often.

This is our routine- I need to break out of this. When we do get going, she likes me to tell her stories (always with her getting it from another guy, a bar pickup, or even some pretty abstract scenarios of roll playing-- always geared to talk about adding a 3rd -I never let her think I'm interested in other women (I'm not) and she believes me. She likes the hot wife fantasy talk and has said she'd do it if the circumstances were all perfect.(my words) - she's mentioned guys like Tom Cruise and Blake Shelton make her hot. County singers like Luke Bryan and Sam Hunt- Also, we've been to Costco and other places where I tell her the hottest guys keep checking out her butt and her tits. She loves this, and let's me know when she needs an outing - for a confidence builder. I've started ordering sexy shoes online and a few sexy tops. She seems to really like the little gifts I keep bringing her(flowers, chocolates, etc).... Wondering about a sexy bra or lingerie??? In bed during sex she's mentioned a DP would be nice. Her fantasy is for me to be in her mouth and a hunk is fucking her at the same time. Her only objection has been thinking I'll be mad at her afterwards. Of course I said - ugh - I brought it all up - like many years ago... But I recall think she thinks I won't be able to handle the reality of it afterwards.
Just need some thoughts on my next steps.
My latest breakthrough was when I stopped trying to convince her to do this- and started letting her know that I see this as an adventure for us both. Like going on a hunt for buried treasure or island hopping in a catamaran- looking for a lost tribe of horney men... By restructuring the "adventure" of cuckolding me it has now focused on "furthering our relationship" and putting her needs way above my own. I let her know it's just a fact that she and all wives are more capable of deeper orgasms and multiple ones in a sex session than most men - especially me. And it's no reflection back on her. me and most men are 1 and Done! And that's if all goes well. I have some ED issues and let her know that it's not mandatory that I even get to enter her on our special few nights a year.... This is working - and I think it'll just be a matter of time before she get on AFF or Bumble.. Ideas? Suggestions?

[notfrommaryland]

Hi All,

I just want to say thanks in advance for any help/advice that you can provide. For privacy purposes, I will introduce myself as J and my girlfriend as V (late 20's and early 30's respectively). We have been dating long distance for a little over four years now and she is absolutely wonderful. As a person, as a partner, as my other half. Not to mention she is AMAZING in bed. I love our sex life SO much. And I love her so much.

For a little while now, I have been interested in the idea of her being with another guy. I am not into humiliation or anything like that that I've been reading about. From my perspective, especially since we are long distance, I very much enjoy the thought of her being satisfied. As long as she is safe, comfortable and happy, whatever she wants to do with another guy is completely fine by me.

TL;DR

Anyway, long story short, we are looking for some advice since we are new to this. She started by doing some mild flirting on Tinder and Hinge, but nothing too serious. She then flirted with my neighbor but nothing has come of that yet. As as of about two weeks ago, she has meet up with an old friend and has had sex with him twice now. I think this is absolutely exciting and I love when she tells me about it. I am so lucky to be with her and she genuinely cares about my feelings on that matter too which is great. We wanted to know if anyone who is experienced in this type of thing could give us any advice? To be honest, I don't really know what advice we are looking for, just anything that you think will help. Anything like where is the best place for her to meet guys for this type of thing...Tinder and Hinge seem shoddy as best. But we liked Tinder since it sort of has a reputation for being a hookup app. Or how we should approach topics like this with potential people she wants to be with. Literally anything would be helpful because we are both new to this. We both just learned what a "Hotwife" was about a week ago lol.

Thanks again!

[armyguyot1]

Welcome to the forum notfrommaryland.

[Farmgirl]

Hi All,

I just want to say thanks in advance for any help/advice that you can provide. For privacy purposes, I will introduce myself as J and my girlfriend as V (late 20's and early 30's respectively). We have been dating long distance for a little over four years now and she is absolutely wonderful. As a person, as a partner, as my other half. Not to mention she is AMAZING in bed. I love our sex life SO much. And I love her so much.

For a little while now, I have been interested in the idea of her being with another guy. I am not into humiliation or anything like that that I've been reading about. From my perspective, especially since we are long distance, I very much enjoy the thought of her being satisfied. As long as she is safe, comfortable and happy, whatever she wants to do with another guy is completely fine by me.

TL;DR

Anyway, long story short, we are looking for some advice since we are new to this. She started by doing some mild flirting on Tinder and Hinge, but nothing too serious. She then flirted with my neighbor but nothing has come of that yet. As as of about two weeks ago, she has meet up with an old friend and has had sex with him twice now. I think this is absolutely exciting and I love when she tells me about it. I am so lucky to be with her and she genuinely cares about my feelings on that matter too which is great. We wanted to know if anyone who is experienced in this type of thing could give us any advice? To be honest, I don't really know what advice we are looking for, just anything that you think will help. Anything like where is the best place for her to meet guys for this type of thing...Tinder and Hinge seem shoddy as best. But we liked Tinder since it sort of has a reputation for being a hookup app. Or how we should approach topics like this with potential people she wants to be with. Literally anything would be helpful because we are both new to this. We both just learned what a "Hotwife" was about a week ago lol.

Thanks again!

As young people, you seem to be off to a good start, Communication is the key in any of this, talk often but, the important part is the listening.
Beyond this, it is hard to answer without a question. Read many of the threads here and come back with any questions.

[Sophie]

Hi All,

I just want to say thanks in advance for any help/advice that you can provide. For privacy purposes, I will introduce myself as J and my girlfriend as V (late 20's and early 30's respectively). We have been dating long distance for a little over four years now and she is absolutely wonderful. As a person, as a partner, as my other half. Not to mention she is AMAZING in bed. I love our sex life SO much. And I love her so much.

For a little while now, I have been interested in the idea of her being with another guy. I am not into humiliation or anything like that that I've been reading about. From my perspective, especially since we are long distance, I very much enjoy the thought of her being satisfied. As long as she is safe, comfortable and happy, whatever she wants to do with another guy is completely fine by me.

TL;DR

Anyway, long story short, we are looking for some advice since we are new to this. She started by doing some mild flirting on Tinder and Hinge, but nothing too serious. She then flirted with my neighbor but nothing has come of that yet. As as of about two weeks ago, she has meet up with an old friend and has had sex with him twice now. I think this is absolutely exciting and I love when she tells me about it. I am so lucky to be with her and she genuinely cares about my feelings on that matter too which is great. We wanted to know if anyone who is experienced in this type of thing could give us any advice? To be honest, I don't really know what advice we are looking for, just anything that you think will help. Anything like where is the best place for her to meet guys for this type of thing...Tinder and Hinge seem shoddy as best. But we liked Tinder since it sort of has a reputation for being a hookup app. Or how we should approach topics like this with potential people she wants to be with. Literally anything would be helpful because we are both new to this. We both just learned what a "Hotwife" was about a week ago lol.

Thanks again!

As young people, you seem to be off to a good start, Communication is the key in any of this, talk often but, the important part is the listening.
Beyond this, it is hard to answer without a question. Read many of the threads here and come back with any questions.

Farmgirl, You have summed things up fairly well.

I would just like to add that talking often is essential for most couples, and not just in the bedroom setting I hasten to add.

If possible over a good meal together is always a good was to communicate about the LS with each other.

Sophie.