Should I be worried?

[tojanman]

And it’s not about the husband thinking he has a right to cum in his wife. It’s about the boyfriend saying he’s uncomfortable with the husband cumming in wife, when she had no issues with him not using a condom until the boyfriend decided only he has the right to cum in her.

Oh and stomped on the boundaries set by the couple at the beginning.

[TomG]

Can we stop with all the legal advice? Telling someone to stop/cancel cards makes an assumption that all assets are his. Even in a divorce, settlement has to be agreed. Canceling access to funds where the other person may have made contribution (or not) will go down extremely badly.

Same with her wanting him to wear condoms. No man has any rights over a woman’s body. She can sleep with and do whatever she wants. He has no rights to ‘demand’ anything. What he does have is agency over his own decisions. He can make requests. They can discuss issues. He can make choices based on her answers. He is not forced to do anything he doesn’t want and she has the same choices.

If they can’t find common ground and agreement, he has decisions to make. You can’t even assume he can ‘kick her out’. He can leave. He can request she leaves. Any ‘kicking’ out would have to take note of their living situation.

Finally, he has to decide what he can live with and accept. The only person you have control of is yourself.

I don't think anyone here has given him legal advice, FNQ. A couple of us have recommended he get legal advice from an attorney, and given what Shaun's been describing, I think that's a prudent thing to do. Of course, it's up to him.

As for canceling the joint accounts, you're right, and I should have worded it better because it normally takes all individuals on a joint account to close them. What he could do is open new accounts in his name and transfer the appropriate amount into them, just to protect his own assets during this uncertain time of his marriage. I say this from experience, having lost quite a substantial amount a few years ago when I had too much trust in my girlfriend during a rough time we were going through.

[FNQLivin]

Telling someone to stop/cancel cards makes an assumption that all assets are his.

I respectfully disagree. It does not assume all assets are his. The reason for canceling all joint credit cards is so the person (and that means either the husband OR the wife) making new charges is responsible to pay them off. Being protected in a worst-case scenario is important and often overlooked when people are in the emotional fog of divorce.

I appreciate your response.

Still, you cannot cancel cards to a joint account that contains money that both parties may have put in. If a couple only have joint accounts and no individual accounts, then doing that could cause all sorts of issues for the other party. It's simply not correct and could be used by the other party to paint you as the aggressor.

Let us remember that his wife and he agreed on the non monogamy and so far, he has agreed to all of it, however reluctantly. He is in no position to cancel anything, or make other changes, until he has the conversation with his wife. At the end of that conversation, he has choices to make with regards to how he wishes to proceed. If they chose to seperate as a result, they both need to obtain legal advice on how to seperate legally and with the correct allocation of assets. Remember, he didn't come home and find his wife in bed with his friend, they both started a sexual exploration and journey some time ago that has not gone the direction he now feels comfortable with.

[FNQLivin]

And it’s not about the husband thinking he has a right to cum in his wife. It’s about the boyfriend saying he’s uncomfortable with the husband cumming in wife, when she had no issues with him not using a condom until the boyfriend decided only he has the right to cum in her.

Oh and stomped on the boundaries set by the couple at the beginning.

His wife willingly agreed to the new BF's request, it wasn't by all accounts reluctant. For all we know, she is 100% happy with the decision. The BF can make all the demands he likes, but she has free agency to agree or not. Even if the BF hadn't made the request, it is up to the woman who she wants to allow to cum in her. Again, he can make choices and decisions based on how he feels.

[FNQLivin]

Can we stop with all the legal advice? Telling someone to stop/cancel cards makes an assumption that all assets are his. Even in a divorce, settlement has to be agreed. Canceling access to funds where the other person may have made contribution (or not) will go down extremely badly.

Same with her wanting him to wear condoms. No man has any rights over a woman’s body. She can sleep with and do whatever she wants. He has no rights to ‘demand’ anything. What he does have is agency over his own decisions. He can make requests. They can discuss issues. He can make choices based on her answers. He is not forced to do anything he doesn’t want and she has the same choices.

If they can’t find common ground and agreement, he has decisions to make. You can’t even assume he can ‘kick her out’. He can leave. He can request she leaves. Any ‘kicking’ out would have to take note of their living situation.

Finally, he has to decide what he can live with and accept. The only person you have control of is yourself.

I don't think anyone here has given him legal advice, FNQ. A couple of us have recommended he get legal advice from an attorney, and given what Shaun's been describing, I think that's a prudent thing to do. Of course, it's up to him.

As for canceling the joint accounts, you're right, and I should have worded it better because it normally takes all individuals on a joint account to close them. What he could do is open new accounts in his name and transfer the appropriate amount into them, just to protect his own assets during this uncertain time of his marriage. I say this from experience, having lost quite a substantial amount a few years ago when I had too much trust in my girlfriend during a rough time we were going through.

You are absolutely correct, he can open new accounts if he wishes. Even transferring money could be a problem. What he could do is have all future monies paid into his account and transfer only what's required to the new account. He could ask to cancel any joint Credit Cards and pay down the balance or have balances shifted to limit his joint liability (even that is of dubious value whilst still legally married).

He could also seek legal advice from a lawyer and understand his rights and obligations so he knows what he could and should do from now on to protect himself from any issues and so he is better armed if and when they decide to part.

[Shaun89]

Hi everyone.

She did indeed come back last night, just after I got back from work.

It went well. To cut a 2 hour conversation short, I said I wasn't comfortable with the current situation and I was concerned it is going to cause us to break up. She reacted to this a bit teary, and reassured me that she wouldn't leave and had never considered leaving me for him. She does love him, that much is true. But that doesn't mean its more than she loves me, and she would not throw away what we have for anyone else irrespective of love. She wanted to explore those feelings with him and was swept up with that momentarily and didn't want to lose either of us. She thought I had agreed to it all (which I did in all honesty, but didn't communicate my true feelings did I...not really her fault if I just agree when I'm tired). She asked what I wanted her to do to make me feel better. I know her, she was being sincere in her face. She said she had already sent lots of photos and some videos as requested before and communicated more as I'd asked, and was arranging with him a meet for all of us and said she had put her foot down and said to him it was going to happen (as she noticed I was feeling a bit numb to it all even with the offer of helping to find another woman and I was being quiet). She actually was sorting that with him this week and he agreed to it. I said that I wanted her to not speak to him whilst on his work trip, and that I might veto it either way and asked if she would agree if I did decide to do so. She said she would if that's what I wanted. I said I wanted time to think and for her to just clear her head a little with some space and distance.

It went well! Phew. We then had some explosive make up sex (without condoms!) and we both got off. She said that I wasn't the first man to cum in her today, which still turned me on a bit... My brain is weird. But I'm glad we had the conversation we should have had a while ago in August, but properly this time.

Rather than a wall of text for the main other points of conversation, I'll write my questions and her answers below (these were not texts, but in person but in other threads it made it easier for me to read them so I'll also do them similarly here):

Me - Why do you reserve anal for him?
Her - It's a dom/sub thing. I see him as dominant because that is all I have really known him as. He does have a soft side but initially it was just dominant sex so that's what I associate him with. I don't really like anal, but like the powerplay. I don't see you as very dominant or submissive so didn't really want to do it with you as I don't like it unless it's rough or in a dominant way. I know you can't be rough with me so that's why I reserved it for him. I shouldn't have withheld it though from you, if you want to try it with me, then I am all for it. But you have to be dominant with it!

Me - Do you really love him?
Her - I'm sorry but I do. I didn't think it was possible to love two partners, but it is.

Me - Why do you let him cum in your mouth?
Her - If I'm honest, his cum tastes of nothing and swallowing it doesn't bother me. I didn't like doing it but now it's just something I do and I don't get anything from it, he does, and I like to please. He is quiet when he cums and came very quickly from a blowjob once, and it tasted of nothing so I continued to do it. Yours tastes very bitter from precum and I'm not sure I could swallow your full load. It's just a taste thing and it's nothing personal (I get this, I'm not forcing anyone to have something in their mouth they don't like. I won't do rimming, for example. Plus my diet isn't the best... )

Me - Do you have sex more than we do?
Her - We usually have sex twice a day at a minimum. Once in the morning quickly and then an hour or two session on the night.

Me - Do you want to see him again?
Her - Yes, I really do. I like being around him and I like the sex. I am in love with him, but it's early love. Not anything like ours. I don't love him more than our relationship, and if you say not to see him again I won't, but I may be a bit upset, but I'll get over it eventually. I have been seeing him a lot recently because I knew his work trip was coming up and then it's the festive period and we're mega busy. But I will tone it way down if we continue, and I will agree any time periods with you first.

Me - Who's better in bed?
Her - Same as the anal thing, it's more of a power play with him. I ultimately prefer normal sex and I prefer that with you. I don't want you to become all super dominant as its someone you're not and I enjoy our sex for different reasons. Your lovemaking is far better than his, but hard fucking is his domain and he puts me through my paces. But it doesn't mean I want that all the time.

Me - Does he get off on humiliating me or telling you what to do to me? Does he see anyone else?
Her - He doesn't really mention you that often. He never bad mouths you or requests me to do anything to you. He likes you as a person, he just didn't like performing in front of other men as its not his thing. As far as I know he only sees me, and I've never saw anything to the contrary. I'm enough for him to handle! (this broke the ice a little and made me smile). We just fell for each other, it just happened.

Me - Is their anything else you've done with him sexually that we haven't?
Her - We had outdoor sex, which I was nervous about and wouldn't do again as we almost got caught. He ties me up every now and again which I enjoy. I wake him up with a blowjob sometimes. But nothing really major, but we do have a lot more sex than we do because it's the newness. It's something we must change and we have to stop putting all of our time into renovation and more into us and sex (she has a point).

Just to reply to people whilst I have time (having a break from work) as I won't be able to respond over the weekend as she's home and I don't want her to know I've been talking about it behind her back.

Bighotmess/36DDwife - I'm not a fan of conflict and there was no point her coming back when I wouldn't be there. She did come back for when I got home as requested so it worked out. I didn't want to start on bad footing.

Suncoastcouple - She said in the past he's not really clingy, just very chilled and calm. I've now read a lot of the messages between them and he doesn't seem very clingy, just normal chat (and the usual sexting talk).

Jaxunman - A few people have been blunt, which is fine, but I never discounted her as much as others have. I never called an attorney or started to cancel cards and accounts. It seemed very premature. I do believe I'm mature, but avoid conflict and like I said, very passive due to this, mainly due to my upbringing (parents arguing every day etc). I don't think I can really change that, but I am trying. He's slightly older, but only by a few years. You are right, this break away will help her any fog, but she seemed very coherent with me last night already. Regarding your later comment, yes. I have told her that IF we continue, then I don't want her ideally stopping over more than 1 night and I want to be involved at least every other meeting, starting with the next one. She said that was fine, and wanted to make it work for us but if I didn't feel comfortable as mentioned, she would give it up. I've asked for his number too and may text him to start a conversation soon (not sure what to talk about though). We honestly ran through a lot of scenarios.

Msn75 - I think orgasm brain is a thing, I've seen her during it. It's actually very erotic for me to view. In regards to the condom, she says it broke and they continued because the damage was already done, and he had proof of cleanliness. She prefers bareback sex and the feeling of cum inside her and he said he gets tested every few months. She genuinely believes him, and I've seen the proof. I think in this instance he's as close to clean as can be.

XYAlpha - Yay, someone who is positive for me! She has agreed to go basically no contact with him over the next couple weeks (bar telling him that she is doing so via text) and will wait to see what I want to do, although we discussed various options on how to progress (or end) this. She does believe he loves her back and so I share your concern over her being his sole focus, but she has reassured me he is not an aggressive person even though he is dominant and won't turn up randomly or try to steal her. This rings true as my wife hates anyone who is violent, aggressive, possessive etc (again due to upbringing). I am sorry to hear of your situation. Now I see how it can get to that point, but I believe it is not lost yet. Just needed clearing up.

Afagehi7 - I did my homework and asked what I needed to, I felt like everything has been asked. You may be right that if it ever happened, then maybe their relationship would fall apart quickly, but I don't think it will get to that. I think most people are painting him to be evil, but I don't believe so. The main problem here is my issue with communication and her falling in love and getting slightly carried away. No one died. I never got the impression he was a bad guy when I was with him at the start and my wife has explicitly assured me he's not a bad person. I actually don't think he could do better than my wife, personality or looks, and this is why I believe he has fallen for her. I fell for her hard when I met her and I couldn't help it. When we used to swing there was literally no one who would turn us (mainly her) down.

2up - We are in our late 20s, and you advice is basically what happened last night. I talked about how we got off our path and wanted to get back on it with or without him and how to go about it. I do feel a lot better after our conversation and I'm glad I brought her back early. She didn't once berate me or mention that she had been brought back forcefully which I half expected. She just seemed concerned. She seemed completely honest when I asked her any questions.

Stag78 - I can see where you're coming from with the cuckold thing. You tell me, I like my wife getting fucked into heaven (preferably in front of me), I like to be involved if possible (but I don't mind just watching), I don't like being humiliated, I don't think I have a small cock (pretty decent size), I don't want my wife taken from me and although I like being told what to do by her sexually, it's within reason and I like being dominant with her just as much (but not to his levels). Maybe a grey area?

Tojanman11/Xalar - The talk did go well, and I see us progessing further over the coming weeks of no contact. He didn't come with her, and I believe he also seemed concerned with my wellbeing (but I wasn't there obviously to see this) apparently so I don't think it will be a massive surprise that she is having a break.

Slenderfish - From other posts in the forums, I see this topic is fairly common, so just take heed from me being this far down the line, go slower than you think you want too and obviously communicate better than I did. And when you do, make sure those rules are stuck to! Hah. I'm glad you find my life hot! I do aswell at times. In between all this the videos and photos have turned me on a hell of a lot... She is fire when she is being fucked. She has a voice of an angel when she cums and is a little pocket rocket with unlimited sexual energy when she's turned on. She only hid things from me because she didn't want to hurt me, and although I can see people disagreeing with me on this, I understand why and I forgive her for it. She did tell me in the end and without me finding out and confrontating her with it, so that's something.

Veub - She did consider my opinion and has taken it all in and we are working on it. I expected a bigger fight, but it went pretty smoothly. The only part she initially didn't like was me potentially vetoing her not seeing him ever again but agreed to it if I said so. Her face gave it away slightly. I have not invoked it yet however. I need to think on it. He is an ideal bull. We'll see.

TomG - I will keep it in mind, but I dont need to go there yet. I'm the half of the couple that sorts all of the banking and bills anyway, she wouldn't know where to start. I could do it very quickly if needs be. I don't need to yet though.

FNQ - Quality answer, thankyou. I try to be a decent human being, and me fucking her against her wishes without a condom is not a bridge I want to cross. It was just the communication we needed to sort, and it was only for a short while. We didn't get to speak much in between work and renovation and her not being there, so what is agreed when tired and dismissive is suddenly realised later but I'd already agreed so it was too late. And I didn't rectify it either so that's on me. Its sorted now. No condoms for me.

Anyway, I probably won't update for a while because I want to focus on us for the next couple weeks, but will pop back at some point to update. I do feel happier, I think a lot of my unhappiness came from my own inaction, which has been rectified. Thanks guys.

Shaun

[BigHotMess]

If she is his only one then he *will* be trying to pry her away. That’s a known. It’s all about your ability to understand this and come at the problem as a team.

Of course he’s playing it cool. That’s how you win. You don’t win by being clingy and needy. I’ve played this game plenty of times.

Deal with facts, not wishcasting.

Glad the talk went well, it sounds like a very positive step, a first one, of a long path to rebuilding whatever it was that you guys had.

[TomG]

Sounds like there's been some real progress, Shaun, and I'm glad to hear that. Take your time and reconnect with your wife. I'll be checking this thread often to see if you've posted any updates.

[veub]

If she is his only one then he *will* be trying to pry her away. That’s a known. It’s all about your ability to understand this and come at the problem as a team.

Of course he’s playing it cool. That’s how you win. You don’t win by being clingy and needy. I’ve played this game plenty of times.

Deal with facts, not wishcasting.

Glad the talk went well, it sounds like a very positive step, a first one, of a long path to rebuilding whatever it was that you guys had.

Yes it was a positive talk: she and her lover got everything they want. He now is on record approving her having anal, the blowjobs, bareback only with the "ideal bull".
They now know that he is not going to try to shut down their relationship They now having him accept that she and her lover are in love. i would say they did an excellent job. Many lonely nights at home ahead for the husband.
I wonder how many scenarios and how much rehearsal time it took to prepare her for this conversation. It's a good thing they had a few hours to prepare.

[tojanman]

I’m so glad to hear this talk went well. I glad she’s being honest with you and now realizes how destructive even a little lie can (although in my opinion it wasn’t a little lie). It’ll be interesting to see if she can maintain the no contact with him or if he will be able to again convince to perform little indiscretions.

All this love and relationship talk between them is still really concerning and I would continue to remain vigilant. It’s hard to go from committing to a week long visit to being cut off cold turkey from her love, so this will be a real test of her will power.

[36DDwife]

There’s a lot to unpack here but these couple of things caught my eye.

/36DDwife - I'm not a fan of conflict and there was no point her coming back when I wouldn't be there. She did come back for when I got home as requested so it worked out. I didn't want to start on bad footing.

Sounds like you made some progress with your wife but if you don’t start seeing immediate change in her then I think you need to be prepared to get nasty because “Mr. Cool BF” still has her in his gun sights & she has admitted she loves him. You are the weak link here....sorry but you are.

This rings true as my wife hates anyone who is violent, aggressive, possessive etc (again due to upbringing).

Except when the BF is aggressively dominating her asshole, huh?

[veub]

I’m so glad to hear this talk went well. I glad she’s being honest with you and now realizes how destructive even a little lie can (although in my opinion it wasn’t a little lie). It’ll be interesting to see if she can maintain the no contact with him or if he will be able to again convince to perform little indiscretions.

All this love and relationship talk between them is still really concerning and I would continue to remain vigilant. It’s hard to go from committing to a week long visit to being cut off cold turkey from her love, so this will be a real test of her will power.

Well, at least half of what she said seems credible. And you can buy oceanfront property in Kansas. He made the classic mistake of giving them time to prepare for the confrontation. They had all the time in the world to prepare for this conversation and to prepare for any eventuality.

"See if she can maintain the no contact with him"? I would wager heavily that they picked up a second phone on the way back from the zoo.
This is a couple with a relatively short-term marriage and no kids. A flashier, wealthier guy, who she claims is only in love with her, comes along. She has, at a minimum, no respect for her husband's wishes. Once she gets things in order she is out the door.

[36DDwife]

Can we stop with all the legal advice? Telling someone to stop/cancel cards makes an assumption that all assets are his. Even in a divorce, settlement has to be agreed. Canceling access to funds where the other person may have made contribution (or not) will go down extremely badly.

Same with her wanting him to wear condoms. No man has any rights over a woman’s body. She can sleep with and do whatever she wants. He has no rights to ‘demand’ anything. What he does have is agency over his own decisions. He can make requests. They can discuss issues. He can make choices based on her answers. He is not forced to do anything he doesn’t want and she has the same choices.

If they can’t find common ground and agreement, he has decisions to make. You can’t even assume he can ‘kick her out’. He can leave. He can request she leaves. Any ‘kicking’ out would have to take note of their living situation.

Finally, he has to decide what he can live with and accept. The only person you have control of is yourself.

I don't think anyone here has given him legal advice, FNQ. A couple of us have recommended he get legal advice from an attorney, and given what Shaun's been describing, I think that's a prudent thing to do. Of course, it's up to him.

As for canceling the joint accounts, you're right, and I should have worded it better because it normally takes all individuals on a joint account to close them. What he could do is open new accounts in his name and transfer the appropriate amount into them, just to protect his own assets during this uncertain time of his marriage. I say this from experience, having lost quite a substantial amount a few years ago when I had too much trust in my girlfriend during a rough time we were going through.

You are absolutely correct, he can open new accounts if he wishes. Even transferring money could be a problem. What he could do is have all future monies paid into his account and transfer only what's required to the new account. He could ask to cancel any joint Credit Cards and pay down the balance or have balances shifted to limit his joint liability (even that is of dubious value whilst still legally married).

He could also seek legal advice from a lawyer and understand his rights and obligations so he knows what he could and should do from now on to protect himself from any issues and so he is better armed if and when they decide to part.

While we do not know where Shaun is from, in the US, joint accounts can be accessed 100% by all parties. At anytime. For any reason. The only exception is if there is a court order to the financial institution freezing the assets. Since that has not happened yet with Shaun, he is perfectly within his legal rights to clean out the checking account and close accounts if he wishes. Granted closing credit accounts will result in the debt being paid in full. Instead an astute person would just leave the balance on the joint credit card but have the limit lowered so that the spouse can’t use it since it’s maxed out.

Would all that be ethical? Meh....depends on your point of view.

[36DDwife]

I’m so glad to hear this talk went well. I glad she’s being honest with you and now realizes how destructive even a little lie can (although in my opinion it wasn’t a little lie). It’ll be interesting to see if she can maintain the no contact with him or if he will be able to again convince to perform little indiscretions.

All this love and relationship talk between them is still really concerning and I would continue to remain vigilant. It’s hard to go from committing to a week long visit to being cut off cold turkey from her love, so this will be a real test of her will power.

Well, at least half of what she said seems credible. And you can buy oceanfront property in Kansas. He made the classic mistake of giving them time to prepare for the confrontation. They had all the time in the world to prepare for this conversation and to prepare for any eventuality.

"See if she can maintain the no contact with him"? I would wager heavily that they picked up a second phone on the way back from the zoo.
This is a couple with a relatively short-term marriage and no kids. A flashier, wealthier guy, who she claims is only in love with her, comes along. She has, at a minimum, no respect for her husband's wishes. Once she gets things in order she is out the door.

I was thinking the same but didn’t want to say it because I’m trying to be optimistic. Having sex in the middle of the conversation didn’t help things in my view.

[Msn75]

Shaun - great update. Really happy for you! It sounds like a very very good conversation, and that’s awesome that the two of you had super hot sex.

My suggestion is to continue to talk to her more about this topic, make sure to have LOTS of hot sex with her, take her on a few dates etc, and if you DO decide to let her keep banging him, make some sort of compromise that has her seeing him less than she was before. Let it be more of an occasional thing.

Tell her that you respect her connection with him but that the priority needs to be the two of YOU

[tojanman]

I prefer to be optimistic as well but I know it’s almost impossible to turn off emotions. She’s like an addict right now and she’s going to go through withdraws before this is over.

[veub]

I’m so glad to hear this talk went well. I glad she’s being honest with you and now realizes how destructive even a little lie can (although in my opinion it wasn’t a little lie). It’ll be interesting to see if she can maintain the no contact with him or if he will be able to again convince to perform little indiscretions.

All this love and relationship talk between them is still really concerning and I would continue to remain vigilant. It’s hard to go from committing to a week long visit to being cut off cold turkey from her love, so this will be a real test of her will power.

Well, at least half of what she said seems credible. And you can buy oceanfront property in Kansas. He made the classic mistake of giving them time to prepare for the confrontation. They had all the time in the world to prepare for this conversation and to prepare for any eventuality.

"See if she can maintain the no contact with him"? I would wager heavily that they picked up a second phone on the way back from the zoo.
This is a couple with a relatively short-term marriage and no kids. A flashier, wealthier guy, who she claims is only in love with her, comes along. She has, at a minimum, no respect for her husband's wishes. Once she gets things in order she is out the door.

I was thinking the same but didn’t want to say it because I’m trying to be optimistic. Having sex in the middle of the conversation didn’t help things in my view.

I also try to be optimistic but there is zero chance this works out well for him.
My guess would be that she is updating her resume and looking for a job in the city where her lover lives. It would be stupid to burn bridges before that's lined up.
One other thing NRE? I think that idea is bullshit, but even if it isn't this isn't a new or novel relationship. She's been with this guy for about a year. This isn't going to "burn out.".

[Msn75]

In response to some of the more negative posts since Shaun’s update: Look, you can not force someone to love you. Nor can you force someone to stay away from somebody else.

If she says she loves Shaun more, and would leave the other dude if she has to, it’s in Shaun’s best interest to believe her, while taking precautionary steps along the way.

I agree with the others that he is going to try to steal her away. If she’s being honest with you, Shaun, I don’t think he can, but you should still limit how often she sees him.

Also, somebody needs to communicate to him that the whole thing about you needing to wear condoms is fucking ridiculous, out of line and disrespectful. If he is concerned, then HE should wear the condoms. He needs to be put in his place in the context of this marriage.

[2inUPMichigan]

Great job Shaun89!

Finding a solution starts with opening the lines of communication and laying your cards on the table. You have done that so you can both work towards a solution that will work for both of you.

There is no blueprint or a "right way" so it is up to the two of you to figure out what is going to work best for your relationship.

[veub]

In response to some of the more negative posts since Shaun’s update: Look, you can not force someone to love you. Nor can you force someone to stay away from somebody else.

If she says she loves Shaun more, and would leave the other dude if she has to, it’s in Shaun’s best interest to believe her, while taking precautionary steps along the way.

I agree with the others that he is going to try to steal her away. If she’s being honest with you, Shaun, I don’t think he can, but you should still limit how often she sees him.

Also, somebody needs to communicate to him that the whole thing about you needing to wear condoms is fucking ridiculous, out of line and disrespectful. If he is concerned, then HE should wear the condoms. He needs to be put in his place in the context of this marriage.

If you believe the lover is trying to "steal" her and that she should be presumed to be honest when she says she'll stop if asked. The only rational thing to do is for Shaun to take her up on her offer and reduce the potential damage.
Of course he won't because she will be unhappy if he does.

[tojanman]

I would be curious to know if Shaun has access to her phone and computer. Otherwise he’s just going to have to trust her when she says she’s not contacting him. Even though she’s already proved that she’ll lie to avoid conflict.

If she does protest to him having access to her devices, he should just remind that she’s still earning back his trust from her initial breach of trust.

[slenderfish]

Good update.

Only Shaun knows his wife best and he should continue to steer this in the direction to where "they" are on this adventure and "they" are both getting equal benefit from it. Seems she went ahead for awhile, so it's now Shaun's turn to have the lead on how this progresses until it's back in balance for him.

Taking active steps to get a divorce started "just in case" can itself cause momentum toward divorce. It's a double-edged sword. Shaun ultimately has to be consistent within himself and use his best judgement to decide if he trusts her and if this is indeed moving back to a place where he will be at peace.

[Shaun89]

If she is telling the truth or if she isn't (I suspect she is telling the truth) the outcome of the conversation would have been the same. So I have to take the chance she is. I do have access to her phone at any point, and always have. I will keep my eye out for a burner phone etc but I don't think it would have been purchased.

Like slenderfish side, planning for divorce in my eyes would start to sway me in that direction, when I don't want that. I think its divided a lot of people, but I'm going with she's telling the truth for now.

[tojanman]

I agree Shaun/slender. Divorce shouldn’t even be in the conversation. The whole point is to save/strengthen the marriage.

Also I think she’s telling the truth right now (I believe that you are way more of an expert on reading your wife than anyone else in this forum). I just think that as time progresses she’s going to find the temptation to contact growing stronger. Especially if hes reaching out to her.

Emotions are powerful and love is a scary concept. The hard part now is that she needs to realize and accept the very real danger this man poses to your marriage for herself. And I don’t think she’s there yet. That part is going to require time, communication and distance from his influence.

[Laney26]

I hate to tell some of you this but if she wants to leave him she could have done it already. There's nothing stopping her. She's a human and humans don't behave perfectly, they both have made mistakes and taken big missteps in this situation namely because of the lack of communication. So it's a waste of time to be speculating and making statements that she is definitely or is going to be doing xyz when there's no proof of that. I think he handled it well. They need much better communication. And time will tell where this is going.

Once again lots of people giving a lot of ridiculous financial advice. We don't know if they have joint accounts. If they do I don't get the logic in draining them and shutting them down unilaterally especially if both of them contribute to it. Then it's not just his money! It also would make the situation worse and show that he was looking to leave/divorce her and push her towards the other man. It also will not be looked upon kindly by the courts in the event of a divorce. They are late twenties I assume they both work but can't tell from what's been posted.

I hate seeing the constant trope on this forum that every wife/girlfriend are essentially gold diggers and the constant advice that seems to either advocating doing financially dishonest/ abusive things to the wife or trying to use money to control her. Often people are behaving as if the husband has more to loose financial and is somehow more entitled to money/assets.