She has done things with lover and refuses to do the same with me...

[cuckoows]

Hello forum,

My hotwife has done pretty amazing things or let her lover to do lots of things with her and she refuses to do the same with me (the hubby).

This has caused some sourness and anger on my side. I feel somehow betrayed that after promises of repeating the same with she has turn 180 and change her mind.

Allegedly, she says that was fulfilling my fantasy with someone else but she is not into this. Some examples are: lover slapping her ass (and she asking for more) while if I do this she will be upset. Another is making her lover to cum in her mouth while she refuses me to cum on her mouth. Or she has player with the lovers cum and lick it entirely using her fingers while refuses even to touch my cum.

This makes me feel rejected and not as desired. She says to hate cum and only did it to fulfill my fantasy and regret to have it done.

I believe there is more to do this and I would like to hear your opinion - have you experienced the same? How did you move on or resolved the issue?

[36DDwife]

In my opinion, couples in the lifestyle (whatever their kink may be) need to be 100% open & honest with each other. When a wife does as you’ve described it’s usually accompanied with the “my pussy my rules” bullshit. Or, better yet, she gives you “I can’t tell you the details about my encounter with him because it might hurt your feelings”. Unless you have specifically asked to be mistreated this way then she’s out of line. On the other hand, if you are 100% cuck & gave her a license to do whatever then I guess you’ve agreed to let her do what she wants.

From what you’ve written, it seems you want these things also & did not agreed to this. I’d suggest stopping playtime until everyone understands the boundaries & what’s is expected unless you want bigger issues down the road.

[2inUPMichigan]

Personally I wouldn't let anyone "slap" my ass but I do like to be spanked. To me there is a difference and it is in the intent.
Why do you want to spank your wife?
Did you ask her how it made her feel when the other man spanked her?

Some people like it and others don't. Some people are good at giving a spanking and know how to do it and others make it a very uncomfortable situation (and not in a good way).
Spanking should be enjoyable for both the person giving and the one receiving the spanking or it just shouldn't happen.
(There are a few exceptions but I don't think they apply in this situation)

Cum play - let's be honest here. All cum is not the same. Some is thinner and some is thicker. There are taste differences and volume differences. Some men have a lot of precum and others don't. So it is not the same to swallow one man's cum vs another. There are huge differences.
I have no idea if any of those differences have to do with your wife's hesitation.

****

When there are conflicts or confusion then it's time to sit down and figure out WHY.
You are angry because you thought she was going to perform specific sexual acts with you.

Was there a discussion about limits on sexual activity during play dates? Was there anything that was ever considered "off limits" or only between the two of you?
Was there ever an agreement that any sexual activity that she tried with another man she would then also try with you?

I understand that you thought if she did something with him she would also do it with you, but what I am asking is did you have an agreement for that to happen or was that just what you thought she should do?

I honestly can't tell from your post.
You refer to "promises of doing the same" but not to an actual agreement between the two if you before anything happened.
Just trying to clarify things.

[Sub4her]

I replied that it's about the same. But let's be honest that not all men are created equal. So there may be things the other man does that she finds very hot and at the same time have little desire to do the same with her husband. Doesnt make the other man better...just different and something new and exciting.

I'm definitely not 100% cuck but would have no problem with her telling me she preferred to do some things with her bf more so than with me.

[MartasBoy]

I know that she likes it when he takes her from behind, doggystyle. I have tried, but I'm just not long enough to reach her, and get in and stay in.

[parklife]

This makes me feel rejected and not as desired. She says to hate cum and only did it to fulfill my fantasy and regret to have it done.

I believe there is more to do this and I would like to hear your opinion - have you experienced the same? How did you move on or resolved the issue?

#1 - get over yourself. Feel rejected and not desired? She married you didn’t she? You likely asked her to do this, didn’t you? She still has sex with you, doesn’t she? If the answer to those questions is yes, then you need to just get over whatever it is that’s in your head about the minutia of it all.

The sourness and anger from your side already has her defensive and regretting doing this because you’ve now made it all about yourself and prioritized your experience (or lack thereof in this case).

Sex is different with different people.... wouldn’t it be logical to suggest that sex acts are different with different people as well?

[adamgunnauthor]

I'll echo what other people have said - yes, my wife has different experiences with her lovers because they are different, and it doesn't bother me at all.

I'm not the most athletic of guys. If a guy can get her to hang from the chandelier, wouldn't that be great?
I have my kind of humor. If another guy can make her laugh at different things, why not?

We are in the LifeStyle for the fun, the variety. Why wouldn't I encourage her to have every experience she can?

[lookingiansa]

Sorry duplicate

[lookingiansa]

I can get his point. I would not like it either if she let's others do things to her that she won't let her supposed number 1 do to her.

That just seems wrong if he's her true number 1 she should do extra things for him not deny him.things she does with other men. She in fact should deny the extra man things she would only do with husband. I would be furious and feel rejected on so many levels. Even to the point of divorce not happy for sure. But that's the risk in this type of arraignment that one party will be hurt and not be win/win situation but hotwife win hubby lose possibly lose it all.

[ericsacto]

I think each relationship is different. Just the fact that you let your wife have sex with others is a show stopper for many couples.

If there was an option ‘No, but I would be open to it’, I would pick that.

I’m turned on by fantasizing about her lover having exclusive rights with her like cumming in her mouth. She’s told me that she likes the taste of his cum and would be happy if she only swallowed him or only gave him blowjobs.

[SmallHubbyTexas]

This is true for me and I am OK with it. For example, in 27 years I have been in my wife’s ass twice, her lovers get her ass like twice a month. Watching them with her, they make her moan and even scream which I never did. She wears outfits in public with them that she would not wear with me. She is enjoying herself right now and I am happy for that. I love her and I know she loves me.

[R_H_NC]

I think when this subject is discussed most are talking about her letting the cum in her mouth (or other cum placement issues) and anal.
I can understand her trying these activates with the lover. Perhaps after that she decides she doesn't like it and doesn't continue it. But if she continues these activities and still denies her husband then this is just wrong. Saying 'get over yourself' is bullshit and dismissive (IMO).

This was posted in the hotwife forum and not the cuckold forum so we are talking about a more inclusive situation right? Two questions come to my mind:

1. She tries these things and likes them so continues them. Why would she continue to deny her husband?

2. She tries theses things and doesn't like them. Why would she continue to do them with her lover and still deny her husband.

There is a lot of talk about this being about the wife's pleasure. It would seem to me that in situation 2 it becomes about the lover's pleasure and in neither is it ever about the husband's pleasure

[R_H_NC]

Full Disclosure: As I posted in my introduction and in the Wannabe thread I am not currently activitly involved in the lifestyle (and have no current prospects to that changing). If that makes you lean towards dismissing my opinions, so be it.

I read of this situation in a lot of the purported true stories posted on OHW. My reaction every time is WTF ?!?!?!

I think when this subject is discussed most are talking about her letting the cum in her mouth (or other cum placement issues) and anal.
I can understand her trying these activates with the lover. Perhaps after that she decides she doesn't like it and doesn't continue it. But if she continues these activities and still denies her husband then this is just wrong. Saying 'get over yourself' is bullshit and dismissive (IMO).

This was posted in the hotwife forum and not the cuckold forum so we are talking about a more inclusive situation right? Two questions come to my mind:

1. She tries these things and likes them so continues them. Why would she continue to deny her husband?

2. She tries theses things and doesn't like them. Why would she continue to do them with her lover and still deny her husband.

There is a lot of talk about this being about the wife's pleasure. It would seem to me that in situation 2 it becomes about the lover's pleasure and in neither is it ever about the husband's pleasure

[R_H_NC]

Personally I wouldn't let anyone "slap" my ass but I do like to be spanked. To me there is a difference and it is in the intent.
Why do you want to spank your wife?
Did you ask her how it made her feel when the other man spanked her?

Some people like it and others don't. Some people are good at giving a spanking and know how to do it and others make it a very uncomfortable situation (and not in a good way).
Spanking should be enjoyable for both the person giving and the one receiving the spanking or it just shouldn't happen.
(There are a few exceptions but I don't think they apply in this situation)

Cum play - let's be honest here. All cum is not the same. Some is thinner and some is thicker. There are taste differences and volume differences. Some men have a lot of precum and others don't. So it is not the same to swallow one man's cum vs another. There are huge differences.
I have no idea if any of those differences have to do with your wife's hesitation.

****

When there are conflicts or confusion then it's time to sit down and figure out WHY.
You are angry because you thought she was going to perform specific sexual acts with you.

Was there a discussion about limits on sexual activity during play dates? Was there anything that was ever considered "off limits" or only between the two of you?
Was there ever an agreement that any sexual activity that she tried with another man she would then also try with you?

I understand that you thought if she did something with him she would also do it with you, but what I am asking is did you have an agreement for that to happen or was that just what you thought she should do?

I honestly can't tell from your post.
You refer to "promises of doing the same" but not to an actual agreement between the two if you before anything happened.
Just trying to clarify things.

2inUPMichigan: You (as usual) make good points regarding this topic but if I may ask, with regard to your relationship, are there things you do with lovers but not with your husband?

[MartasBoy]

My wife gets so excited when she's really horny and craving time with her boyfriend. One day I heard her on the phone telling him that she desperately wanted to see him. He I was busy and told her that he couldn't. She came down dressed only in a very cute bra and panty set, and stockings and heels. She got her faux fur coat out of the hall closet and her car keys, and walked out the door only saying, "I have an errand I have to run. I'll be back later". She didn't come back for several hours. Apparently she showed up at his front door, opened her coat, and changed his mind about not being able to make time for her.

She's never done anything like that to seduce me.

One night she grabbed an old blanket, a package of strawberries, bottle of champagne, and left. She told me later that she took him out to the fifth green of his favorite golf course and they did it on a blanket on the green. This was her way of making sure they always thought about her, whenever he played golf.

My wife likes taking little risks with sex. When she and her boyfriend are walking after dinner, on a date, she will sometimes shove him into a recessed doorway, or take him to the bench of a little urban pocket park, and suck him off. If anyone passes by, she will sit up, and toss a jacket over his lap, pretending like nothing's happening.

One time he invited her to accompany him to a Halloween party in his town. She went as a Pretty Woman style street walker. When anybody asked her, how long they had been dating, or where they met, she told them, "We just met tonight, downtown". He didn't correct her.

[parklife]

I can understand her trying these activates with the lover. Perhaps after that she decides she doesn't like it and doesn't continue it. But if she continues these activities and still denies her husband then this is just wrong. Saying 'get over yourself' is bullshit and dismissive (IMO).

This was posted in the hotwife forum and not the cuckold forum so we are talking about a more inclusive situation right?

It wasn’t said as a way to be dismissive. It was honest feedback on what is needed to “move in or resolve the issue”. That was his request... my response was to “get over yourself”. He needs to get his mind right and realize the specific sex acts aren’t the key here. It’s the fact that she loves him, married him, is helping to explore his fantasies and he’s pushing her away by projecting sourness and anger.

Would he rather hear her say, “because your cum tastes like burnt coffee and his tastes like my favorite latte”? Why push and prod when at the end of the day, the benefit of having multiple sex partners is having multiple sexual experiences. They don’t need to be the same and his need to have the same sex experience as his wife’s lover/fwb/whatever is clearly causing an issue between them. So, yes, I think he needs to work on getting over it and put of his headspace that says his value is derived from giving his wife the same experience she gets elsewhere. That might be what he wants, but that’s not helping.

It’s like the husband with a large cock getting upset that his wife allows a smaller lover to do anal but refuses the husband. Maybe she’s refusing because it’s uncomfortable or painful. Don’t get hung up on thinking that denigrates what the couple share. It’s just that some guys have an ass-cock and some guys don’t. The same as some guys have great tasting cum and some guys don’t. Maybe he shouldn’t push for details he really doesn’t want to know.

Maybe you took that as being dismissive, but that’s not how it was given. And cuck/hotwife/stag has nothing to do with my answer.

[R_H_NC]

I can understand her trying these activates with the lover. Perhaps after that she decides she doesn't like it and doesn't continue it. But if she continues these activities and still denies her husband then this is just wrong. Saying 'get over yourself' is bullshit and dismissive (IMO).

This was posted in the hotwife forum and not the cuckold forum so we are talking about a more inclusive situation right?

It wasn’t said as a way to be dismissive. It was honest feedback on what is needed to “move in or resolve the issue”. That was his request... my response was to “get over yourself”. He needs to get his mind right and realize the specific sex acts aren’t the key here. It’s the fact that she loves him, married him, is helping to explore his fantasies and he’s pushing her away by projecting sourness and anger.

Would he rather hear her say, “because your cum tastes like burnt coffee and his tastes like my favorite latte”? Why push and prod when at the end of the day, the benefit of having multiple sex partners is having multiple sexual experiences. They don’t need to be the same and his need to have the same sex experience as his wife’s lover/fwb/whatever is clearly causing an issue between them. So, yes, I think he needs to work on getting over it and put of his headspace that says his value is derived from giving his wife the same experience she gets elsewhere. That might be what he wants, but that’s not helping.

It’s like the husband with a large cock getting upset that his wife allows a smaller lover to do anal but refuses the husband. Maybe she’s refusing because it’s uncomfortable or painful. Don’t get hung up on thinking that denigrates what the couple share. It’s just that some guys have an ass-cock and some guys don’t. The same as some guys have great tasting cum and some guys don’t. Maybe he shouldn’t push for details he really doesn’t want to know.

Maybe you took that as being dismissive, but that’s not how it was given. And cuck/hotwife/stag has nothing to do with my answer.

I get your point and accept you weren't being dismissive. Perhaps if she explained her decision to continue to refuse these things to her husband, in other words, communicate. I keep reading that it's all about communication (and I completely agree with that).

I have some serious issues with many things brought out here on OHW. Perhaps I am not really meant to be actively participating in the lifestyle.
For example (and I don’t mean to sound like I am solely pointing out this example but I just read it so The Law of Recency is in play). The two examples the Martasboy gave trouble me greatly. It’s not sex acts so it isn’t 100 per cent on point but it resonates the same with me. Why hasn’t she been as romantic or daring with him? It sounds and appears to me that the marriage is not the primary thing in her life, but rather the relationship with the BF. I realize he may be completely content with that situation. I am just pointing out my takeaway. Martasboy, please don’t take offense. I sincerely didn’t mean to do so and I am equally sincerely in saying that I hope you and your wife are happy with your particular take on the lifestyle.

There is always a lot of talk here about the marriage being the primary thing, that which must be protected. I am speaking of non-cuck situations here because I still can’t wrap my head around a lot of the cuck stuff. Then, I will read that the wife’s desires are the primary thing. I read that on all the forums, not just the cuck’s.

Of course, her feelings and desires are important but where do his enter the equation? Yeah, more often than not it is he who starts the couple down the path in the lifestyle but it seems it shouldn’t be looked at pushing his wife off a cliff and whatever happens, he got what he wanted.
There’s a shit-ton of men here who have not gotten what they want. In fact, they have lost everything important.

There are many couples here who post that I think have broken the code and it seems that their approach is healthy and enjoyable for both of them. Again, maybe I am not really meant for the lifestyle. I still hope I am and know that I will continue to read the posts on OHW.
Sorry for the rant, didn’t intend for it to be that.

[Daveinsane]

I can understand her trying these activates with the lover. Perhaps after that she decides she doesn't like it and doesn't continue it. But if she continues these activities and still denies her husband then this is just wrong. Saying 'get over yourself' is bullshit and dismissive (IMO).

This was posted in the hotwife forum and not the cuckold forum so we are talking about a more inclusive situation right?

It wasn’t said as a way to be dismissive. It was honest feedback on what is needed to “move in or resolve the issue”. That was his request... my response was to “get over yourself”. He needs to get his mind right and realize the specific sex acts aren’t the key here. It’s the fact that she loves him, married him, is helping to explore his fantasies and he’s pushing her away by projecting sourness and anger.

Would he rather hear her say, “because your cum tastes like burnt coffee and his tastes like my favorite latte”? Why push and prod when at the end of the day, the benefit of having multiple sex partners is having multiple sexual experiences. They don’t need to be the same and his need to have the same sex experience as his wife’s lover/fwb/whatever is clearly causing an issue between them. So, yes, I think he needs to work on getting over it and put of his headspace that says his value is derived from giving his wife the same experience she gets elsewhere. That might be what he wants, but that’s not helping.

It’s like the husband with a large cock getting upset that his wife allows a smaller lover to do anal but refuses the husband. Maybe she’s refusing because it’s uncomfortable or painful. Don’t get hung up on thinking that denigrates what the couple share. It’s just that some guys have an ass-cock and some guys don’t. The same as some guys have great tasting cum and some guys don’t. Maybe he shouldn’t push for details he really doesn’t want to know.

Maybe you took that as being dismissive, but that’s not how it was given. And cuck/hotwife/stag has nothing to do with my answer.

Here's a crazy idea, maybe the husband should be an equal partner and his happiness is important. It's not all about her.

[isinlarsa]

If I may be permitted to add a variation to the topic. In addition to things she does only with her lover, I would add things she did first with her lover. My first wife and I were young, and rather inexperienced sexually. When my wife first started having sex with other men, they introduced her to sexual techniques that she and I were not familiar with. She brought those techniques back to our marriage, much enhancing our sex lives.

But more on topic, I actually enjoy that men do things to my wife that we do not do. Most specifically, I'm not into anal sex, but I find it exciting that other men have anal sex with my wife. There is something particularly "naughty" that other men get to fuck her in her ass -- something she won't do for me. Some of them enjoy her ass because they have thin cocks, and her rectum is tighter than her pussy (although she has a tight pussy). One of her lovers much preferred fucking her ass because of his thin cock. Her nickname for him was "pencil dick."

[parklife]

Here's a crazy idea, maybe the husband should be an equal partner and his happiness is important. It's not all about her.

I’m not discounting an equal partnership nor did I ever say it needs to ONLY be about her. His happiness IS important. What I said was “ you need to just get over whatever it is that’s in your head about the minutia of it all.”

A blowjob and spanking are the lead drivers to his happiness? If that’s the case, there are other issues afoot. He’s getting stuck in the minutia of “oh she sucks his dick but she doesn’t suck mine” complaining. That’s not a question of happiness or it would have been an issue BEFORE she became a hotwife. And if that was the case, they shouldn’t have walked down this road in the first place. It’s jealousy... it’s minutia... and he’s letting it get in the way of his (and frankly their) happiness.

I just suggest he work on getting over it.

[parklife]

I have some serious issues with many things brought out here on OHW. Perhaps I am not really meant to be actively participating in the lifestyle.
...
There is always a lot of talk here about the marriage being the primary thing, that which must be protected. I am speaking of non-cuck situations here because I still can’t wrap my head around a lot of the cuck stuff. Then, I will read that the wife’s desires are the primary thing. I read that on all the forums, not just the cuck’s.
...
There’s a shit-ton of men here who have not gotten what they want. In fact, they have lost everything important.

There are many couples here who post that I think have broken the code and it seems that their approach is healthy and enjoyable for both of them. Again, maybe I am not really meant for the lifestyle. I still hope I am and know that I will continue to read the posts on OHW.
Sorry for the rant, didn’t intend for it to be that.

Communication is key... so is compromise and so is figuring out what is important and what is just pangs of jealousy.

Whether or not you’re cut out for the lifestyle is something between you and your spouse and as you’ve read here, there are so many different ways to engage in this, we all just offer takes and opinions and your mileage may vary. It’s also important to be clear the distinction between the fantasy and the reality. They don’t always intersect the way you imagine. Doesn’t mean you can adapt and find your own way if you’re open to the possibilities.

You brought up Martasboy and some of what he wrote.. the other thing to remind yourself about this lifestyle is that it can provide a time for both the husband and wife to get outside of their daily life. What you see as a wife being romantic and prioritizing something outside the marriage, I see a wife that gets to explore another side of life that she doesn’t have the opportunity to explore within the marriage. Home with her husband there are bills and dirty laundry and perhaps kids and his underwear on the floor and dishes and yard work... there is none of that with the lover/FWB/whatever you chose to call him. So, it’s more free to lose yourself in the moment and enjoy distraction from the day to day. The husband also has a distraction of the mind. From my experience, allowing that distraction ultimately frees up opportunity within my marriage. I have way more sex with my wife when she has a play partner than when it’s just the two of us. My wife feeling free to enjoy herself with others also ultimately made her willing to expand with me. Not because I demanded or pushed it but because she ultimately felt more open. I can count on one hand the number of BJs I received during my first ten years of marriage. But since she’s become a hotwife, I’ve had plenty more than one or two handfuls.

I think people get hung up on “fairness” in this lifestyle and I think that’s automatically a recipe for disaster because once you think it’s all about being fair, you are putting things on opposite sides of the fulcrum and trying to equalize them. We have friends that don’t think it’s fair my wife gets to play, but I don’t. Well, it turns me on that she plays and she isn’t turned on if I played. It’s just that simple.

How we all engage in the lifestyle is up to us. It’s a relationship, not a community project. Don’t get hung up “the code”.

[R_H_NC]

I actually am aware of most of your insights. They apply to vanilla life in most cases. I am 64 so quite a bit of regular life in my rear view mirror. Sure there is the distraction from everyday life but Martasboy mentioned the observation in his post so obviously it was on his mind. Perhaps it doesn't bother him but since he mentioned it I have to believe on some level it did.

I strongly disagree that it isn't about fairness. Of course at times the fairness scale will tip a little one way or the other but if it topples to one side and stays there that, in my opinion, is a recipe for disaster (in relationships other than cuck). I do agree that demanding and pushing is counterproductive but other than your mention, I don't recall that being suggested in this thread.

I think maybe you misunderstood my mention of 'the code'. It's an idiom. Not a literal reference.

One point I find waters down your argument a bit. Few blowjobs before HW'ing.....many blowjobs after HW'ing. Sounds like she brought some of the play home.

[ProfBaw]

I wouldn't be doing this if she was getting the same as she was getting at home. What would be the point?

[parklife]

I do agree that demanding and pushing is counterproductive but other than your mention, I don't recall that being suggested in this thread.

I think maybe you misunderstood my mention of 'the code'. It's an idiom. Not a literal reference.

One point I find waters down your argument a bit. Few blowjobs before HW'ing.....many blowjobs after HW'ing. Sounds like she brought some of the play home.

Perhaps I read between the lines too much when he said, “She says to hate cum and only did it to fulfill my fantasy and regret to have it done.” I took that and the sourness to mean he has expressed his dissatisfaction to the extent that now his wife regrets going thru with it. That could be a misread on my part but OP hasn’t chimed back in.

And my point is was kind of along the lines that she could ‘bring the play home’ if he could get past the sourness and anger. Talk about a buzzkill.

[Daveinsane]

Here's a crazy idea, maybe the husband should be an equal partner and his happiness is important. It's not all about her.

I’m not discounting an equal partnership nor did I ever say it needs to ONLY be about her. His happiness IS important. What I said was “ you need to just get over whatever it is that’s in your head about the minutia of it all.”

A blowjob and spanking are the lead drivers to his happiness? If that’s the case, there are other issues afoot. He’s getting stuck in the minutia of “oh she sucks his dick but she doesn’t suck mine” complaining. That’s not a question of happiness or it would have been an issue BEFORE she became a hotwife. And if that was the case, they shouldn’t have walked down this road in the first place. It’s jealousy... it’s minutia... and he’s letting it get in the way of his (and frankly their) happiness.

I just suggest he work on getting over it.

So you're the arbiter of what's important in a relationship? Good to know. He doesn't seem to think his feelings are just minutia.
As far as it not being an issue before hotwifing, thats ridiculous. She says she doesn't give head, he's ok. She says I just don't do it for you, different deal.