Wife Wants Temporary Exclusivity With Boyfriend

[BBCfan]

My last serious relationship before wife was poly. She made a similar request to her husband concerning me and it was just a matter of time till it was completely over for them. He saw the writing on the wall and moved on.

It's likely over for you too as you're not really poly...she's decided to pursue another partner and you allowed her to and they most likely will be moving forward without you. I hope I'm wrong for your sake but I would put money on the other outcome in a betting scenario.

I feel for you but there will be someone better suited for you in the future.

I may be completely wrong as I forgot one element that is crucial. Money... Is she financially dependent on you and if so can he provide a similar lifestyle. If she is dependent on you and he can't provide similar lifestyle you're probably safe.

Why would you want her to stay if that's the reason?

Exactly, but how would you know for sure? Security is a very powerful need and it would likely not be admitted?

[afagehi7]

My last serious relationship before wife was poly. She made a similar request to her husband concerning me and it was just a matter of time till it was completely over for them. He saw the writing on the wall and moved on.

It's likely over for you too as you're not really poly...she's decided to pursue another partner and you allowed her to and they most likely will be moving forward without you. I hope I'm wrong for your sake but I would put money on the other outcome in a betting scenario.

I feel for you but there will be someone better suited for you in the future.

I may be completely wrong as I forgot one element that is crucial. Money... Is she financially dependent on you and if so can he provide a similar lifestyle. If she is dependent on you and he can't provide similar lifestyle you're probably safe.

Why would you want her to stay if that's the reason?

Exactly, but how would you know for sure? Security is a very powerful need and it would likely not be admitted?

Good point. Only thing better than a fat dick is a fat wallet.

It must be engrained in women as overall they seem more concerned about the financial status of a man than men do women.

[veub]

Thank you for everyone’s input. I told Gina that we could take this on a day-to-day basis. I’ll take a “backseat” sexually for now, but made it clear that I couldn’t handle a platonic marriage in the long term. To me, sexual desire and love are intermingled, so if Gina’s desire for me waned for any length of time, I would assume she doesn’t love me as a husband. I certainly don’t want Gina to simply concede to having regular sex with me. Either she fully desires me, or I want nothing to do with it. I have no problem if Gina truly loves and sexually desires both Bill and I.

recently noticed that when we make love, Gina seems a bit distant, At first she denied this, and expressed her unchanging love for me. However, last night Gina admitted that she is so infatuated with Bill, she's finding it difficult to feel as passionate with me, for the time being.

Seems to me that she's already shown and told you that her desire for you has "waned". How is her "bonding" closer with another man going to restore that desire?

[anonymister1948]

Thank you for everyone’s input. I told Gina that we could take this on a day-to-day basis. I’ll take a “backseat” sexually for now, but made it clear that I couldn’t handle a platonic marriage in the long term. To me, sexual desire and love are intermingled, so if Gina’s desire for me waned for any length of time, I would assume she doesn’t love me as a husband. I certainly don’t want Gina to simply concede to having regular sex with me. Either she fully desires me, or I want nothing to do with it. I have no problem if Gina truly loves and sexually desires both Bill and I.

recently noticed that when we make love, Gina seems a bit distant, At first she denied this, and expressed her unchanging love for me. However, last night Gina admitted that she is so infatuated with Bill, she's finding it difficult to feel as passionate with me, for the time being.

Seems to me that she's already shown and told you that her desire for you has "waned". How is her "bonding" closer with another man going to restore that desire?

Absolutely. He's just putting off the inevitable and hoping for a different outcome without doing the real work that poly relationships require. Polyamory means many loves, not one love here, and then put that partner aside while they work on another relationship. If the OP doesn't want a cuckold relationship and all that entails, it looks like this will have a sad ending.

[ConfusedHubby65]

Thank you for everyone’s input. I told Gina that we could take this on a day-to-day basis. I’ll take a “backseat” sexually for now, but made it clear that I couldn’t handle a platonic marriage in the long term. To me, sexual desire and love are intermingled, so if Gina’s desire for me waned for any length of time, I would assume she doesn’t love me as a husband. I certainly don’t want Gina to simply concede to having regular sex with me. Either she fully desires me, or I want nothing to do with it. I have no problem if Gina truly loves and sexually desires both Bill and I.

recently noticed that when we make love, Gina seems a bit distant, At first she denied this, and expressed her unchanging love for me. However, last night Gina admitted that she is so infatuated with Bill, she's finding it difficult to feel as passionate with me, for the time being.

Seems to me that she's already shown and told you that her desire for you has "waned". How is her "bonding" closer with another man going to restore that desire?

That’s quite possible. But it’s also possible that Gina is enthralled by her lover like a kid with a new toy. She may tire of him as the newness fades. I’m in no hurry to rush out and assume our marriage is finished. I’ll be patient for the time being. If ultimately things don’t change, at least I’ll know I did everything I could to save my marriage.

[Christinebitg]

I am struck by how many commenters say they've seen a poly relationship go south, and that therefore this one will to.

I would remind them that half of ALL marriages end in divorce.

[R_H_NC]

I am struck by how many commenters say they've seen a poly relationship go south, and that therefore this one will to.

I would remind them that half of ALL marriages end in divorce.

It is certainly a logic fail to cite one failed poly relationship as proof this one will fail, but I also think it an equal logic fail to dismiss any concerns expressed by commenters by citing the overall divorce rate. Some folks see, possibly via their own experience, dangers in this proposed 'exclusivity'. They are certainly valid concerns.

[anonymister1948]

I am struck by how many commenters say they've seen a poly relationship go south, and that therefore this one will to.

I would remind them that half of ALL marriages end in divorce.

It is certainly a logic fail to cite one failed poly relationship as proof this one will fail, but I also think it an equal logic fail to dismiss any concerns expressed by commenters by citing the overall divorce rate. Some folks see, possibly via their own experience, dangers in this proposed 'exclusivity'. They are certainly valid concerns.

Amen. Right here earlier this year a 40-year marriage ended and the wife said it never would have happened if her husband hadn't introduced this lifestyle to her. It had NOTHING to do with half of all marriages failing and EVERYTHING to do with the actions taken indulging in this lifestyle. By the way, I don't subscribe to all poly relationships ending. Some last for decades.

[Christinebitg]

I am struck by how many commenters say they've seen a poly relationship go south, and that therefore this one will to.

I would remind them that half of ALL marriages end in divorce.

It is certainly a logic fail to cite one failed poly relationship as proof this one will fail, but I also think it an equal logic fail to dismiss any concerns expressed by commenters by citing the overall divorce rate. Some folks see, possibly via their own experience, dangers in this proposed 'exclusivity'. They are certainly valid concerns.

Yes, it's absolutely a valid concern.

However... the doom and gloom scenarios presented have been way over the top, in my opinion.

They were presented in a manner that said essentially "If you do that, your marriage is guaranteed to fail as a diect result of it."

Does their marriage have some issues? Perhaps it does. But enforcing a particular way of being is by no means a way of "saving" it. As if saving the marriage is the ultimate goal, rather than the well being of all the individuals involved.

I would suggest that perhaps many of us here would benefit from reexamining our priorities from time to time.

[bradisalpha]

Thank you for everyone’s input. I told Gina that we could take this on a day-to-day basis. I’ll take a “backseat” sexually for now, but made it clear that I couldn’t handle a platonic marriage in the long term. To me, sexual desire and love are intermingled, so if Gina’s desire for me waned for any length of time, I would assume she doesn’t love me as a husband. I certainly don’t want Gina to simply concede to having regular sex with me. Either she fully desires me, or I want nothing to do with it. I have no problem if Gina truly loves and sexually desires both Bill and I.

recently noticed that when we make love, Gina seems a bit distant, At first she denied this, and expressed her unchanging love for me. However, last night Gina admitted that she is so infatuated with Bill, she's finding it difficult to feel as passionate with me, for the time being.

Seems to me that she's already shown and told you that her desire for you has "waned". How is her "bonding" closer with another man going to restore that desire?

That’s quite possible. But it’s also possible that Gina is enthralled by her lover like a kid with a new toy. She may tire of him as the newness fades. I’m in no hurry to rush out and assume our marriage is finished. I’ll be patient for the time being. If ultimately things don’t change, at least I’ll know I did everything I could to save my marriage.

I think that is a very logical way of looking at it. I was afraid all the negativity in the posts might sway your thoughts and try to predetermine your situation.

There are many cheating scenarios that go on for years without the husband’s knowledge and do keep marriages together keeping the wife sexually satisfied. At least you know about it and enjoy the excitement of having a hot wife… and she is communicating and sharing her excitement with you.

At the end of the day, you are right.. you will be doing everything you can to save your marriage. Riding out her NRE with her is, at the least, well worth knowing for sure. You might well find that Gina’s marriage, home and family are as important to her as her sexual needs.

This is just my opinion, as are all the others !!!

Brad

[Tryagain]

Why can't woman walk and chew gum at the same time ! :-) I would sooner understand the moon is made of cheese rather than the "insanity" of exclusivity.

Yeah...I know...we are all different. Just as Jeffrey Dahmer is just "different".

[BBCfan]

Thank you for everyone’s input. I told Gina that we could take this on a day-to-day basis. I’ll take a “backseat” sexually for now, but made it clear that I couldn’t handle a platonic marriage in the long term. To me, sexual desire and love are intermingled, so if Gina’s desire for me waned for any length of time, I would assume she doesn’t love me as a husband. I certainly don’t want Gina to simply concede to having regular sex with me. Either she fully desires me, or I want nothing to do with it. I have no problem if Gina truly loves and sexually desires both Bill and I.

recently noticed that when we make love, Gina seems a bit distant, At first she denied this, and expressed her unchanging love for me. However, last night Gina admitted that she is so infatuated with Bill, she's finding it difficult to feel as passionate with me, for the time being.

Seems to me that she's already shown and told you that her desire for you has "waned". How is her "bonding" closer with another man going to restore that desire?

That’s quite possible. But it’s also possible that Gina is enthralled by her lover like a kid with a new toy. She may tire of him as the newness fades. I’m in no hurry to rush out and assume our marriage is finished. I’ll be patient for the time being. If ultimately things don’t change, at least I’ll know I did everything I could to save my marriage.

I hope the "new toy" theory is correct. I apologize if I came across too doom and gloom but it obviously raises a few red flags she would cut you off.

I just know from my experience in poly it ONLY worked for me because I never doubted for 1 second her absolute love and passion for me. She always went out of her way to protect my ego and keep our passion strong.

That's the other inequality...when I was poly I actually had more lovers than her so she knew I was not a doormat waiting for her to come back. This situation of one sided poly really makes it tough for you.

If I try to put myself in your shoes and my poly partner suggested this , I would likely reply that if it's something you want to do please go for it, but I can't promise I'll be waiting for you when or if you decide to be sexual with me again. I likely wouldn't be waiting.

That would show her the possible severity of her actions to my psyche. I believe a true poly minded woman would never put her partner in that situation. She is possibly not wired for true poly connections.

Showing her you're not willing to be a door mat would at least make her ponder her actions and show the potential severity on the path she's requested.

Again just my thoughts ...I mean no disrespect.

[R_H_NC]

Your post was in no way 'doom and gloom'. It was painted that way in furtherance of an agenda. Very common here, ignore real and cogent thoughts on the possibilities of negative outcomes in the hope of the continued supply of spank-bait.

Someone, in specific detail, point out how the following words are 'doom and gloom' and not just a real possibility?

"Seems to me that she's already shown and told you that her desire for you has "waned". How is her "bonding" closer with another man going to restore that desire?"

You have a wife whose already demonstrated a distancing in sexual relations with her husband and you couple that with for a time-period her not having sex with the husband at all and only with her lover. Please explain to me how in the ever-loving world this will not result in the bond with the lover growing and the bond with the husband waning? Nothing is a guarantee but when you have certain circumstances, it isn't outside the realm of very real possibilities to predict an outcome. To dismiss it is just plain stupid.

Oh course, this is all just my opinion.......................

[FNQLivin]

It isn’t the ability of a person to love two people equally and at the same time, it’s the exclusivity of the proposition that raises concerns. If she said, ‘I love this other man, enjoy spending time with him and sharing more than sex, but I still love you and having sex with you’, that’s different to what she seems to be proposing.

[SSQ]

It's not about the sexual exclusivity, really- it's about investment. I haven't read the other post because cuckolding does not particularly interest me. But when a woman cuckolds her husband, that becomes their sexual connection. Denial doesn't simply mean saying no to sex. Denial can include all that powerful energy and connection between them; frankly, denial can be just as sexy. I have one dear friend who I used to play with intimately (prior to covid) and he used to tell me that when I was running my fingers over him that he didn't know whether it would be more exciting for me to allow him to orgasm, or not to. There is a big difference in still continuing to maintain that sexual connection and investment, and simply saying no or turning away.

Obviously, I see nothing wrong with having multiple deeply intense, romantic relationships. I've been with one of my partners for 7 years and the other for 3 years, and we all live together happily. That isn't the issue I see here. I see nothing wrong with the OP's wife wanting a deep and intimate sexual relationship that does not involve OP.

In relationships, we always have the choice to lean in, or lean out. When there's problems, or stress, or NRE, or anything else. Every day, we make that choice to feed our connection, or neglect it. Having multiple relationships still does not require us to choose between them; poly people find the balance and feed both.

Is your wife turning away, or is she finding another way to feed your connection? Why does she feel that she needs the sexual exclusivity? What does she think it will accomplish? Does she acknowledge that she has been emotionally withdrawn during her previous sexual encounters, and if so, what is she doing to maintain her relationship with you?

[Christinebitg]

Someone, in specific detail, point out how the following words are 'doom and gloom' and not just a real possibility?

"Seems to me that she's already shown and told you that her desire for you has "waned". How is her "bonding" closer with another man going to restore that desire?"

I don't expect that you're going to agree with me. But since you asked...

We're not talking about whether it's a _real possibility_. We're talking about whether it's INEVITABLE. I don't believe that it's inevitable.

Sexual desire for another person can increase, decrease, or stay the same. Periods of abstinence are not guaranteed to do one of those things.

She may grow closer to her boyfriend, or she may not. She may fine renewed common ground and desire for her husband, or she may not.

None of those things is certain, just as nothing in life is certain. If she gets closer to her boyfriend and spends more time with him, his personality quirks will inevitably become more obvious to her.

She may want to continue with him then, or perhaps not.

[Ijustloveher]

I was amazed to read how soon Gina was asking for exclusivity - given that she was going out with her bf for only one month. But then I checked our history and realized that my girlfriend had asked me to do it separately with her bf, as soon as within 3 weeks. She wanted to focus on sex with him, and not be distracted by the idea that she needed to entertain me too - which was reasonable. She was happy to come back to me afterwards, to let me reclaim her.

Letting her go, at least most of the time, felt like a sacrifice to me but it was great fun too. Besides, we would still have occasional threesomes. Had she asked to go exclusive so early on, then I would have struggled to handle that. But that was because I needed more time to trust him, her, the situation to take it that far. Deep down, I wanted it. But it was a formidable boundary to ditch and it took me a year to get to that point.

Much depends on the dynamics within the couple and with the third player and I don't feel that we have a great deal of insight in what's happening in OP's home, which is also fine.

For OP to agree but taking it day by day makes good sense to me. I am not sure what Gina has offered OP in return for her going all out, but he is obviously very well positioned to negotiate a fun deal for himself.

[R_H_NC]

Someone, in specific detail, point out how the following words are 'doom and gloom' and not just a real possibility?

"Seems to me that she's already shown and told you that her desire for you has "waned". How is her "bonding" closer with another man going to restore that desire?"

I don't expect that you're going to agree with me. But since you asked...

We're not talking about whether it's a _real possibility_. We're talking about whether it's INEVITABLE. I don't believe that it's inevitable.

Sexual desire for another person can increase, decrease, or stay the same. Periods of abstinence are not guaranteed to do one of those things.

She may grow closer to her boyfriend, or she may not. She may fine renewed common ground and desire for her husband, or she may not.

None of those things is certain, just as nothing in life is certain. If she gets closer to her boyfriend and spends more time with him, his personality quirks will inevitably become more obvious to her.

She may want to continue with him then, or perhaps not.

Actually, I do agree with you in the point that it is not inevitable and I stated that.

I still didn’t see any example of a ‘doom and gloom’ post. Some real concerns expressed, which we both evidently agree on were expressed.

[BigHotMess]

Thank you for everyone’s input. I told Gina that we could take this on a day-to-day basis. I’ll take a “backseat” sexually for now, but made it clear that I couldn’t handle a platonic marriage in the long term. To me, sexual desire and love are intermingled, so if Gina’s desire for me waned for any length of time, I would assume she doesn’t love me as a husband. I certainly don’t want Gina to simply concede to having regular sex with me. Either she fully desires me, or I want nothing to do with it. I have no problem if Gina truly loves and sexually desires both Bill and I.

recently noticed that when we make love, Gina seems a bit distant, At first she denied this, and expressed her unchanging love for me. However, last night Gina admitted that she is so infatuated with Bill, she's finding it difficult to feel as passionate with me, for the time being.

Seems to me that she's already shown and told you that her desire for you has "waned". How is her "bonding" closer with another man going to restore that desire?

That’s quite possible. But it’s also possible that Gina is enthralled by her lover like a kid with a new toy. She may tire of him as the newness fades. I’m in no hurry to rush out and assume our marriage is finished. I’ll be patient for the time being. If ultimately things don’t change, at least I’ll know I did everything I could to save my marriage.

Things do not change by hoping that they will change.

[ConfusedHubby65]

Thank you for everyone’s input. I told Gina that we could take this on a day-to-day basis. I’ll take a “backseat” sexually for now, but made it clear that I couldn’t handle a platonic marriage in the long term. To me, sexual desire and love are intermingled, so if Gina’s desire for me waned for any length of time, I would assume she doesn’t love me as a husband. I certainly don’t want Gina to simply concede to having regular sex with me. Either she fully desires me, or I want nothing to do with it. I have no problem if Gina truly loves and sexually desires both Bill and I.

recently noticed that when we make love, Gina seems a bit distant, At first she denied this, and expressed her unchanging love for me. However, last night Gina admitted that she is so infatuated with Bill, she's finding it difficult to feel as passionate with me, for the time being.

Seems to me that she's already shown and told you that her desire for you has "waned". How is her "bonding" closer with another man going to restore that desire?

That’s quite possible. But it’s also possible that Gina is enthralled by her lover like a kid with a new toy. She may tire of him as the newness fades. I’m in no hurry to rush out and assume our marriage is finished. I’ll be patient for the time being. If ultimately things don’t change, at least I’ll know I did everything I could to save my marriage.

Things do not change by hoping that they will change.

Exactly... Which is why I told Gina to tell me when she wants to make love with me again. I'm putting the onus on her. If she doesn't initiate anything after the two months pass, I will reevaluate matters. What don't want to do is to start hounding her for intimacy. If she doesn't desire me, then I'm not looking for "mercy sex."

[Christinebitg]

Actually, I do agree with you in the point that it is not inevitable and I stated that.

I still didn’t see any example of a ‘doom and gloom’ post. Some real concerns expressed, which we both evidently agree on were expressed.

You don't see doom and gloom in any (!) of the prior postings. Here are some that I see:

"It's likely over for you too as you're not really poly...she's decided to pursue another partner and you allowed her to and they most likely will be moving forward without you. I hope I'm wrong for your sake but I would put money on the other outcome in a betting scenario." (from BBCfan)

"I would agree with those who advocate to tread lightly if you enter into a non sexual relationship with your wife.
It just seems pretty basic that you have to have something that maintains the connection and intimacy between you two, that is agreeable to you both." (from mundyman)

"in my opinion it’s an even bigger disaster if you step aside for a couple months and let her do her thing." (from Sharedherlots)

"Pretty dangerous ground you are standing on. You won her over once, you need to do it again." (from Armyguyot1)

[SSQ]

Seems to me that she's already shown and told you that her desire for you has "waned". How is her "bonding" closer with another man going to restore that desire?

That’s quite possible. But it’s also possible that Gina is enthralled by her lover like a kid with a new toy. She may tire of him as the newness fades. I’m in no hurry to rush out and assume our marriage is finished. I’ll be patient for the time being. If ultimately things don’t change, at least I’ll know I did everything I could to save my marriage.

Things do not change by hoping that they will change.

Exactly... Which is why I told Gina to tell me when she wants to make love with me again. I'm putting the onus on her. If she doesn't initiate anything after the two months pass, I will reevaluate matters. What don't want to do is to start hounding her for intimacy. If she doesn't desire me, then I'm not looking for "mercy sex."

If what you'd be getting is "mercy sex", that doesn't sound like much in the way of investment, either. What is she doing to invest in YOUR relationship while she is enjoying her NRE?

It doesn't have to be sex.

[CoupleFun555]

I’m not judging what your wife has asked of you. Fundamentally, you deserve respect and intimacy. I worry that if this change occurs in your relationship, you will lose things that should matter to all of us. As it stands, she may not be able to give you what you deserve because she is focused on someone else.

[R_H_NC]

Actually, I do agree with you in the point that it is not inevitable and I stated that.

I still didn’t see any example of a ‘doom and gloom’ post. Some real concerns expressed, which we both evidently agree on were expressed.

You don't see doom and gloom in any (!) of the prior postings. Here are some that I see:

"It's likely over for you too as you're not really poly...she's decided to pursue another partner and you allowed her to and they most likely will be moving forward without you. I hope I'm wrong for your sake but I would put money on the other outcome in a betting scenario." (from BBCfan)

"I would agree with those who advocate to tread lightly if you enter into a non sexual relationship with your wife.
It just seems pretty basic that you have to have something that maintains the connection and intimacy between you two, that is agreeable to you both." (from mundyman)

"in my opinion it’s an even bigger disaster if you step aside for a couple months and let her do her thing." (from Sharedherlots)

"Pretty dangerous ground you are standing on. You won her over once, you need to do it again." (from Armyguyot1)

I guess we just differ on what is doom and gloom and what is appropriate and relevant possibilities. So be it.

[Christinebitg]

Actually, I do agree with you in the point that it is not inevitable and I stated that.

I still didn’t see any example of a ‘doom and gloom’ post. Some real concerns expressed, which we both evidently agree on were expressed.

You don't see doom and gloom in any (!) of the prior postings. Here are some that I see:

"It's likely over for you too as you're not really poly...she's decided to pursue another partner and you allowed her to and they most likely will be moving forward without you. I hope I'm wrong for your sake but I would put money on the other outcome in a betting scenario." (from BBCfan)

"I would agree with those who advocate to tread lightly if you enter into a non sexual relationship with your wife.
It just seems pretty basic that you have to have something that maintains the connection and intimacy between you two, that is agreeable to you both." (from mundyman)

"in my opinion it’s an even bigger disaster if you step aside for a couple months and let her do her thing." (from Sharedherlots)

"Pretty dangerous ground you are standing on. You won her over once, you need to do it again." (from Armyguyot1)

I guess we just differ on what is doom and gloom and what is appropriate and relevant possibilities. So be it.

We obviously differ. What would a doom and gloom message look like to you?