Ask a Hotwife Thread, to be answered by VHWs only!

[Lookingforadventure]

What is your definition of cuckolding, and what are her reservations?

It is hard to answer your question without knowing more about you both. For myself, I had reservations about having sex with other men. Those we were able to talk through and I'm glad that we did.

I also have reservations about humiliating my husband, cutting him off from sex, or some of the other things sometimes attributed to cuckolding. He hasn't expressed interest in that, but I also don't think I could ever do it.

Every person has their own limits about these sorts of things. I think you need to figure out what hers are.

With that said, doing the housework so she doesn't have to is sure to be appreciated.

[Subcucky]

What is your definition of cuckolding, and what are her reservations?

My definition is my wife having sex with another man while I remain faithful and with my awareness.

Her reservation is she is afraid she would get attached and our marriage would end. I also suspect she is afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle it with our marriage ending as a result.

[Farmgirl]

Question:
I have spoken to my wife about cuckolding and she has reservations. She recently expressed that she would like me to be a house husband (still working) but taking care of the house.

Do you think if we are able to move into a FLR that she may naturally warm up to cuckolding?

Living in an FLR/FLM is not necessarily a part of cuckolding. It can be, but it can also not be. I live an FLR with my Number1, but I know more women in an FLR without being a Hotwife than I do those being a Hotwife.
There are all kinds of FLR's just as there are kinds of cuckolding/hotwife relationships, and all kinds of monogamous relationships.

[early-kink]

I hope this question gets answers from MANY ladies on here, and not just the few that regularly answer. ( though I'm grateful to "the regulars" for ALL the help they provide. )

The question is this ......

How would you approach or handle it if your husband or significant other (SO) showed no interest in you sexually?? Not just for a couple weeks - but for LONG periods of time. I know you girls are hotwives, and can easily just head to your lovers - but for the sake of information for monogamous couples - IF you were monogamous ....... what would you do??

Assume the standard recommendations of "go see a counselor" and "you two need to talk it out" have been repeatedly tried and have gotten you nowhere. Your husband or SO won't talk to you about having no sexual interest in you. What would you do??

Please ........ this isn't a joke, or bait for "funny" answers. I'm asking for real, honest answers from as many ladies as possible to get a list of recommendations - common thought, if you will. I ask this question in this thread at the recommendation of another "regular" here - to get the most female attention.

Thank-you to ALL who post answers. Your help is much appreciated.

[CurvyNerdMILF]

My husband has suffered from depression in the past—both seasonal and major depressive episodes. One of the major symptoms for him has been anhedonia, in which one doesn’t experience pleasure, or it is muted. As part of this—amplified by his issues regarding his sexual preference that have become clear recently—he would simply not want sex, either at all or relatively little. And because physical touch and sexual pleasure are majorly tied to my feeling loved, I was pretty much the loneliest woman in the world during those periods of time. He was both emotionally and physically distant. I came close to divorcing him over it several times. I honestly don’t know how we stuck it out. It would have been perfectly reasonable for us to give up on our marriage and each other. We were both stuck in monogamy-brain at that time. Either of us could have cheated and even thought about it. I would long for another man who could just fill that gap. But I didn’t do anything about it. We’re highly ethical people. As our marriage improved from counseling and hard work on our parts, we could navigate these ebbs in our marriage and sex lives. Sometimes, we’d lean into having extra spicy sex at that time. Sometimes, we’d focus more on cuddling. Now that we understand what was happening between us, it’s hard to imagine not wanting each other sexually or not connecting that way, even in the presence of other lovers.

[Lookingforadventure]

Hi early-kink. I saw your question yesterday but had to give myself some time to think about it. What you describe sounds really challenging and I'm sorry if that is what you are dealing with on your own end.

If my husband were to have absolutely no interest in having sex with me, I'd want to have a conversation with him about it. You say that talking and counseling haven't been helpful thus far, but maybe approaching the conversation from your own point of view could help? I'd at least want to tell my husband how it makes me feel that he no longer wants me that way. I couldn't force him to open up if he wasn't ready, but I'd want to express my own response to it and know that he heard it.

I would probably encourage him to see a medical professional to see if there was a physical reason for the change in his libido. With that said, you can't force anyone to seek medical attention if they aren't ready either.

If all that failed, and our sex life really came to a complete halt, I suppose that I'd try to find other ways to meet my needs. For me, the intimacy of sex is what really matters. I can masturbate to orgasm if needed, but I like having the closeness and connection with another person that sex provides. So if sex was off the table, maybe we'd have to find that intimacy in another way (a hobby we can do together, me slapping his butt while he's doing the dishes, him kissing me on the head as he walks and I'm working at my desk, sitting on the porch together to discuss our days, holding hands and going on long walks, something!).

I hope this is is helpful in some way.

[crewel]

Hello,

I've been a member here for over 8 years, and this is my first post. Hoping to get some insight from our verified hotwives. I'll post some background and context, and then pose my question at the end.

I'm older (39) and my new wife is 25, so we have an age difference. I'm from California and she's from Russia. I met here while living abroad in Russia and we got married after a year. We've been married about 2 years now and just recently gave birth to our first child, a daughter. My wife, Anna, she was born in a small village in Russia and moved to Moscow at an early age (around 16). She comes from a very strict and conservative family, but she never knew her father. She's religious and tries very hard to be a good wife and mother. However, she has a strong wild streak as well, but I think she's growing out of it. She left Russia at 18 and met a foriegn man and they were together for 2 years. Amazingly he was 55 years old, so they had a huge age difference during their relationship. He was her first sexual experience, and I was her second. So she's only been with two men in her life. Him and myself.

When we first met, we had some sexual problems, or rather I did. I'm shy in a new relationship and I wasn't able to get erect for the first couple of times we tried to have sex. It required that I use viagra to get hard with her. Was very difficult for me, because I never previously needed or used viagra. I had a long relationship with a girlfriend and we also dirty talked about cucking, but we never actually did it, and that really got me going. So when I had the opportunity to have sex with a young, jaw-droppingly beautiful girl, I wasn't able to get hard. Once we started to have sex, and I would use the pill each time, I had some problems cumming. She took offensive to it, because for her it was unfinished sex, and she felt not pretty or she did something wrong. She actually felt the same when I wasn't able to get hard for her. Once we started to have more normal sex and I was able to cum, we had some more problems, because randomly I would lose my erection, and it would infuriate her. She complained very aggressively and directly that she's not happy with our sex life, and she wants to cum, she wants me to cum, and she wants a hard cock.

I asked if she ever had any issues with her ex, since he was even older than me. She said absolutely not, and she got a little graphic and direct and said he was always hard, he always cum, and he would fuck her very fast and hard. She said that she likes to fuck fast, because that's what makes her cum. I'm in shape, but I'm just not able to fuck her hard enough as she likes, and I really don't understand how a 55 year old man can go even harder than me. I also know he had a larger cock than me, but she says sometimes it hurt, and she doesn't care about size. She just cares about fucking fast. She also said my cock is so beautiful, nothing is wrong with it, and she wants it so much.

Eventually we got a clit vibe for her, and she never used a toy before. She's very against dildos and doesn't want anything inside of her, but she was open to clitorial vibes. Now she's addicted to her clit vibe, and it's required each time we have sex. She can't cum without it. I was also able to make her squirt for the first time in her life, and she loves the feeling.

Later we started to share some sexual fantaisies. She's so naive and inexperienced that she never even watched porn, and wasnt' even sure what turns her on. She just felt shy talking about it. Eventually she kinda came up with she likes thinking about public sex or being watched. I told her that it turns me on thinking about her being with another man. She was taken back and upset. She thought it was disgusting and I was perverted. She said she has no interest in anyone else and she only wants me. In an unrelated argument months after, she actually used my fantasy against me, calling me a pervert who has to think about another man fucking her to be satisified and it's disgusting for her. Ever since then I never really talked about the topic again.

We've been apart and not had sex for almost a year, because I've been working in another country and she's been pregnant. We just recently started to have sex again, and it's much slower and gentle, because we're both kinda out of shape, but not fat or anything. I have some health issues and she's just weak from a lack of exercise. During our time apart, we had to masturbate. However she was never comfortable with phone sex or facetime. So we just watched porn and masturbated. I discovered that she was searching for gangbangs, public sex, and specifically "black man white woman gangbang" when she would masturbate. We briefly discussed what we watched when we masturbate and lightly discussed how sexy black men fucking a white woman was.

My fantasy, in general, is to have a hotwife who starts out trying a bull, who's more her age, is more endowed, and can fuck her fast and hard, making her cum without her vibe. I want her to have sex for the first time in her life with a real man, and not someone that's more than 15 years older than her. She's missing out on what great sex is like. I'm average all the way around. Average height, weight, and cock size. She's amazingly beautiful, petite, and like a model. She constantly gets attention, but pays no mind to it. In my opinion, her body was made for BBC .. but I'm getting ahead of myself. My hope is that she tries a real man her age and basically realizes what good sex is and that the sex she had with me doesn't even compare. I would like to have a sex life with her, but basically I want her sexually pleased by her bull, and I can clean her up and reclaim her later. Down the road, of course I would love to see her try a BBC and get hooked on it, but there's much road between now and then, so I want to focus on here and now.

So .. hotwives of the forum .. may I ask? How do you propose I get my wife to open up to the fantasy, then trying a bull her age? We just recently started to have sex again, and I feel now is a good time to make some moves. On the other hand, with a newborn, it makes sex difficult in terms of schedule.

Thank you!

[Parsifal]

Is a man's capacity for compersion attractive to a woman and, if so, why?

[2inUPMichigan]

Hello,

I've been a member here for over 8 years, and this is my first post. Hoping to get some insight from our verified hotwives. I'll post some background and context, and then pose my question at the end.

I'm older (39) and my new wife is 25, so we have an age difference. I'm from California and she's from Russia. I met here while living abroad in Russia and we got married after a year. We've been married about 2 years now and just recently gave birth to our first child, a daughter. My wife, Anna, she was born in a small village in Russia and moved to Moscow at an early age (around 16). She comes from a very strict and conservative family, but she never knew her father. She's religious and tries very hard to be a good wife and mother. However, she has a strong wild streak as well, but I think she's growing out of it. She left Russia at 18 and met a foriegn man and they were together for 2 years. Amazingly he was 55 years old, so they had a huge age difference during their relationship. He was her first sexual experience, and I was her second. So she's only been with two men in her life. Him and myself.

When we first met, we had some sexual problems, or rather I did. I'm shy in a new relationship and I wasn't able to get erect for the first couple of times we tried to have sex. It required that I use viagra to get hard with her. Was very difficult for me, because I never previously needed or used viagra. I had a long relationship with a girlfriend and we also dirty talked about cucking, but we never actually did it, and that really got me going. So when I had the opportunity to have sex with a young, jaw-droppingly beautiful girl, I wasn't able to get hard. Once we started to have sex, and I would use the pill each time, I had some problems cumming. She took offensive to it, because for her it was unfinished sex, and she felt not pretty or she did something wrong. She actually felt the same when I wasn't able to get hard for her. Once we started to have more normal sex and I was able to cum, we had some more problems, because randomly I would lose my erection, and it would infuriate her. She complained very aggressively and directly that she's not happy with our sex life, and she wants to cum, she wants me to cum, and she wants a hard cock.

I asked if she ever had any issues with her ex, since he was even older than me. She said absolutely not, and she got a little graphic and direct and said he was always hard, he always cum, and he would fuck her very fast and hard. She said that she likes to fuck fast, because that's what makes her cum. I'm in shape, but I'm just not able to fuck her hard enough as she likes, and I really don't understand how a 55 year old man can go even harder than me. I also know he had a larger cock than me, but she says sometimes it hurt, and she doesn't care about size. She just cares about fucking fast. She also said my cock is so beautiful, nothing is wrong with it, and she wants it so much.

Eventually we got a clit vibe for her, and she never used a toy before. She's very against dildos and doesn't want anything inside of her, but she was open to clitorial vibes. Now she's addicted to her clit vibe, and it's required each time we have sex. She can't cum without it. I was also able to make her squirt for the first time in her life, and she loves the feeling.

Later we started to share some sexual fantaisies. She's so naive and inexperienced that she never even watched porn, and wasnt' even sure what turns her on. She just felt shy talking about it. Eventually she kinda came up with she likes thinking about public sex or being watched. I told her that it turns me on thinking about her being with another man. She was taken back and upset. She thought it was disgusting and I was perverted. She said she has no interest in anyone else and she only wants me. In an unrelated argument months after, she actually used my fantasy against me, calling me a pervert who has to think about another man fucking her to be satisified and it's disgusting for her. Ever since then I never really talked about the topic again.

We've been apart and not had sex for almost a year, because I've been working in another country and she's been pregnant. We just recently started to have sex again, and it's much slower and gentle, because we're both kinda out of shape, but not fat or anything. I have some health issues and she's just weak from a lack of exercise. During our time apart, we had to masturbate. However she was never comfortable with phone sex or facetime. So we just watched porn and masturbated. I discovered that she was searching for gangbangs, public sex, and specifically "black man white woman gangbang" when she would masturbate. We briefly discussed what we watched when we masturbate and lightly discussed how sexy black men fucking a white woman was.

My fantasy, in general, is to have a hotwife who starts out trying a bull, who's more her age, is more endowed, and can fuck her fast and hard, making her cum without her vibe. I want her to have sex for the first time in her life with a real man, and not someone that's more than 15 years older than her. She's missing out on what great sex is like. I'm average all the way around. Average height, weight, and cock size. She's amazingly beautiful, petite, and like a model. She constantly gets attention, but pays no mind to it. In my opinion, her body was made for BBC .. but I'm getting ahead of myself. My hope is that she tries a real man her age and basically realizes what good sex is and that the sex she had with me doesn't even compare. I would like to have a sex life with her, but basically I want her sexually pleased by her bull, and I can clean her up and reclaim her later. Down the road, of course I would love to see her try a BBC and get hooked on it, but there's much road between now and then, so I want to focus on here and now.

So .. hotwives of the forum .. may I ask? How do you propose I get my wife to open up to the fantasy, then trying a bull her age? We just recently started to have sex again, and I feel now is a good time to make some moves. On the other hand, with a newborn, it makes sex difficult in terms of schedule.

Thank you!

Your fantasy is very specific. What if your wife isn't attracted to men her own age? What if she thinks the idea of having a gangbang with black men sounds exciting but she doesn't want to live it out in real life? What if she isn't interested in cream pies?
You need to consider what is really important and also understand that if this fantasy leaves your mind and becomes reality it will look very different. The reason is that she will have ideas of her own and limits that will have to be respected.
FYI - a lot of men have the "well endowed" fantasy but that doesn't always mean that their wives are also interested.

Ask her what she wants, you might be surprised!

[SSQ]

I hope this question gets answers from MANY ladies on here, and not just the few that regularly answer. ( though I'm grateful to "the regulars" for ALL the help they provide. )

The question is this ......

How would you approach or handle it if your husband or significant other (SO) showed no interest in you sexually?? Not just for a couple weeks - but for LONG periods of time. I know you girls are hotwives, and can easily just head to your lovers - but for the sake of information for monogamous couples - IF you were monogamous ....... what would you do??

Assume the standard recommendations of "go see a counselor" and "you two need to talk it out" have been repeatedly tried and have gotten you nowhere. Your husband or SO won't talk to you about having no sexual interest in you. What would you do??

Please ........ this isn't a joke, or bait for "funny" answers. I'm asking for real, honest answers from as many ladies as possible to get a list of recommendations - common thought, if you will. I ask this question in this thread at the recommendation of another "regular" here - to get the most female attention.

Thank-you to ALL who post answers. Your help is much appreciated.

My thoughts would depend on what happens when I talk to my partner about it? What do you mean they won't talk to me? Like literally ignore me? Well, that signifies much more extreme issues than just sexual ones. Do they brush it off and say nothing's wrong? Because then I'd say, I hear you feel that way but this is a problem for me so we need to talk about it. If my partner cares about my thoughts and feelings, they won't shut me down.

Sex drives wax and wane. I don't think it's abnormal to go for a period of time with low interest. But you're saying longer. I would ask them to look into medical issues first off. If they won't do that either... I mean- where is the relationship, here? Both parties should be able to talk about how they feel about things without someone getting defensive and shutting down. You can't solve problems together if one person won't talk about them.

I wouldn't be in this situation. I don't get close to people who can't talk about things. Communication is absolutely critical in my opinion to having a healthy, long term relationship.

I would not be willing to continue in a sexless marriage if I was mono. I'm not sure I'd be willing to do it even as a poly person. But one thing is certain- my partner would have to be willing to talk about it when I let them know this is how I was feeling, or there would be no marriage. That's simply unworkable. Those stoic men on TV who don't talk about their feelings have done masculinity no favours in that regard.

[SSQ]

Is a man's capacity for compersion attractive to a woman and, if so, why?

Yes, absolutely. It shows he is in touch with his own feelings and capable of expressing them clearly. And it also shows what a priority he puts on his partner's happiness in general, not just sexually.

Jealousy is extraordinarily unattractive. Compersion grows from love and acceptance.

[CurvyNerdMILF]

Compersion in a man is sexy. I suppose there are different contexts for it. Is it compersion if he sees the woman as carrying out his fantasies? For JS, and at least some of my other guys, it’s not just that. (And, not incidentally, it’s not just my own wish-fulfillment when I see JS aglow from sexual pleasure with or without me.) It’s seeing one’s partner just light up with pleasure, joy, and passion. It’s seeing them fill with energy, sexual and otherwise. When a man can see that in me, I feel deeply understood and celebrated—or something like that. So my partner’s compersion, so attuned to my pleasure, is sexy, too.

[Pimpeltje]

Dear Hotwifes,

My wife and I are getting older. I can hardly fuck anymore. (ED) Since it's decreased, my wife is always in a bad mood. She makes vicious remarks and insults me with my impotence. I had already suggested that a younger man shout come to us and do the job. But she refuses and continues to refuse.

However, my wife is not a prude. She fucked a lot of men when we were younger and cheated on me several times.

What can I do to convince her?

[2inUPMichigan]

Dear Hotwifes,

My wife and I are getting older. I can hardly fuck anymore. (ED) Since it's decreased, my wife is always in a bad mood. She makes vicious remarks and insults me with my impotence. I had already suggested that a younger man shout come to us and do the job. But she refuses and continues to refuse.

However, my wife is not a prude. She fucked a lot of men when we were younger and cheated on me several times.

What can I do to convince her?

Ed is an issue that affects BOTH the husband and the wife, although in different ways. Speaking from experience it is difficult not to take it personally as a woman (no matter how much you are aware it is because of a medical reason).
Suggesting a younger man "do the job" sounds like you are asking him to cut the lawn like it is checking one more thing off your to do list. Ouch!

When we had our conversation hubby said he was frustrated trying and not succeeding. Just because his (PIV) sex life was over didn't mean mine had to be. I was not happy at all! But after some open and honest conversation where we both kept our emotions in check, we were able to find our way.

It wasn't his job to convince me any more than it is yours because the truth is you can't. She has to decide for herself that she can take this big step and not regret it afterwards. It isn't just a matter of asking herself if she wants to have sex with someone else it is so much more than that.

Good luck

[SSQ]

Compersion in a man is sexy. I suppose there are different contexts for it. Is it compersion if he sees the woman as carrying out his fantasies?

I would say strictly speaking, it's not. Compersion is supposed to be happiness at your partner's happiness that doesn't involve you. Hotwifing tends to involve both partners, and if it's his fantasy he's definitely involved.

But it's happiness, and the world needs more of that, whatever it's called I think there can definitely be different contexts and that's just awesome.

[Parsifal]

Compersion in a man is sexy. I suppose there are different contexts for it. Is it compersion if he sees the woman as carrying out his fantasies?

I would say strictly speaking, it's not. Compersion is supposed to be happiness at your partner's happiness that doesn't involve you. Hotwifing tends to involve both partners, and if it's his fantasy he's definitely involved.

But it's happiness, and the world needs more of that, whatever it's called I think there can definitely be different contexts and that's just awesome.

Both of you VHWs agree that comperson in a man is attractive, which was my Q to you, but there is a split in opinion about what compersion means to you. If I'm understanding you both, SSQ sees it as a husband's selfless desire for the wife to be happy, CurvyNerdMILF sees it as somewhat a more amorphous concept that can include the husband eroticizing his wife's desires such that her desires are felt as his own.

I don't think either definition is necessarily wrong. After all, we're on the cutting edge here, and sometimes the vocabulary is too loose to communicate clearly. In my question to the VHWs, my use of "compersion" was consistent with CurvyNerdMILF's understanding of it. And with that clarification, let me reask SSQ (and all other VHWs) the same basic question in hopefully a more precise way:

Many men are incapable of feeling turned on by their wives desires for extramarital sex. Some men are capable of it. Obviously, if you're a woman in a marriage and feel the need or even the desire for extramarital sex, you will appreciate a husband that opens the cage for you to enjoy it and self realize. What I'm asking is whether is your husband more sexually attractive to you because he vicariously shares your desire for that outside contact? And if so, why?

[Pimpeltje]

Dear Hotwifes,

My wife and I are getting older. I can hardly fuck anymore. (ED) Since it's decreased, my wife is always in a bad mood. She makes vicious remarks and insults me with my impotence. I had already suggested that a younger man shout come to us and do the job. But she refuses and continues to refuse.

However, my wife is not a prude. She fucked a lot of men when we were younger and cheated on me several times.

What can I do to convince her?

Ed is an issue that affects BOTH the husband and the wife, although in different ways. Speaking from experience it is difficult not to take it personally as a woman (no matter how much you are aware it is because of a medical reason).
Suggesting a younger man "do the job" sounds like you are asking him to cut the lawn like it is checking one more thing off your to do list. Ouch!

When we had our conversation hubby said he was frustrated trying and not succeeding. Just because his (PIV) sex life was over didn't mean mine had to be. I was not happy at all! But after some open and honest conversation where we both kept our emotions in check, we were able to find our way.

It wasn't his job to convince me any more than it is yours because the truth is you can't. She has to decide for herself that she can take this big step and not regret it afterwards. It isn't just a matter of asking herself if she wants to have sex with someone else it is so much more than that.

Good luck

I think I can persuade my wife to sleep with a man her age, but I think it's dangerous. She could run off with him.
I want her to take a younger man. Around 30 years or so. She is 60.
What can I say more?

[2inUPMichigan]

Dear Hotwifes,

My wife and I are getting older. I can hardly fuck anymore. (ED) Since it's decreased, my wife is always in a bad mood. She makes vicious remarks and insults me with my impotence. I had already suggested that a younger man shout come to us and do the job. But she refuses and continues to refuse.

However, my wife is not a prude. She fucked a lot of men when we were younger and cheated on me several times.

What can I do to convince her?

Ed is an issue that affects BOTH the husband and the wife, although in different ways. Speaking from experience it is difficult not to take it personally as a woman (no matter how much you are aware it is because of a medical reason).
Suggesting a younger man "do the job" sounds like you are asking him to cut the lawn like it is checking one more thing off your to do list. Ouch!

When we had our conversation hubby said he was frustrated trying and not succeeding. Just because his (PIV) sex life was over didn't mean mine had to be. I was not happy at all! But after some open and honest conversation where we both kept our emotions in check, we were able to find our way.

It wasn't his job to convince me any more than it is yours because the truth is you can't. She has to decide for herself that she can take this big step and not regret it afterwards. It isn't just a matter of asking herself if she wants to have sex with someone else it is so much more than that.

Good luck

I think I can persuade my wife to sleep with a man her age, but I think it's dangerous. She could run off with him.
I want her to take a younger man. Around 30 years or so. She is 60.
What can I say more?

If the two of you do not have a solid relationship then I would recommend working on the communication between the two of you before you seriously consider including someone else.
If she is happy at home there isn't any temptation out there that can pull her away from the marriage.

You keep stating what you want but it is up to her to decide if she wants to do this. She may have no interest in a 30 year old man. She may have no interest at all and again that is her choice and that has nothing to do with anything that has gone on in her past. (I'm 56 and I personally have no interest in a 30 year old man, way too young for me!)


I agree it's dangerous to attempt to "persuade" a woman to have sex with another man because once the idea has left your mind and becomes a reality it is no longer under your complete control and there will be changes made to your original plan.

[Farmgirl]

Is a man's capacity for compersion attractive to a woman and, if so, why?

Yes, I find compersion a very attractive component of a man. With my Number1's compersion, I feel fully free to enjoy other men and to enjoy coming home to him. He is excited and happy by my happiness, thus making me even happier. The circle then builds on itself.
Aside from a rare utopian idea, the person having the compersion always gets something out of it, be it only the happiness the feeling of the compersion brings, or in the case of some husbands here, the added element of what their wife is doing while she immensely enjoys herself.
Knowing my Number1 loves me being what I want to be, makes it oh so much better and him oh so much more attractive.

[early-kink]

My question posted on Oct. 2nd at 1:52 pm on page 86 is still open for any further responses - but I want to thank all the kind ladies who took the time to respond so far. I very much appreciate your ideas and opinions.

[2inUPMichigan]

Please remember to quote the question you are replying to (or answer) whenever possible so that the conversations are easy to follow and those involved get notifications about replies.

All comments that are not directly related to a question/answer can and probably will be deleted as this is not a discussion thread.

[SSQ]

Is a man's capacity for compersion attractive to a woman and, if so, why?

Yes, I find compersion a very attractive component of a man. With my Number1's compersion, I feel fully free to enjoy other men and to enjoy coming home to him. He is excited and happy by my happiness, thus making me even happier. The circle then builds on itself.
Aside from a rare utopian idea, the person having the compersion always gets something out of it, be it only the happiness the feeling of the compersion brings, or in the case of some husbands here, the added element of what their wife is doing while she immensely enjoys herself.
Knowing my Number1 loves me being what I want to be, makes it oh so much better and him oh so much more attractive.

I don't think compersion is "a rare utupian idea". It's the idea that if your friend told you the same story, that you'd be happy for them because they are happy. You don't have to get something out of it personally to be happy for them! Why should your partner get even less than that? Compersion is definitely not strictly about sex; it's language borrowed from polyamory. People who experience a high degree of compersion tend to have a higher level of empathy as well.

Compersion in a man is sexy. I suppose there are different contexts for it. Is it compersion if he sees the woman as carrying out his fantasies?

I would say strictly speaking, it's not. Compersion is supposed to be happiness at your partner's happiness that doesn't involve you. Hotwifing tends to involve both partners, and if it's his fantasy he's definitely involved.

But it's happiness, and the world needs more of that, whatever it's called I think there can definitely be different contexts and that's just awesome.

Both of you VHWs agree that comperson in a man is attractive, which was my Q to you, but there is a split in opinion about what compersion means to you. If I'm understanding you both, SSQ sees it as a husband's selfless desire for the wife to be happy, CurvyNerdMILF sees it as somewhat a more amorphous concept that can include the husband eroticizing his wife's desires such that her desires are felt as his own.

I don't think either definition is necessarily wrong. After all, we're on the cutting edge here, and sometimes the vocabulary is too loose to communicate clearly. In my question to the VHWs, my use of "compersion" was consistent with CurvyNerdMILF's understanding of it. And with that clarification, let me reask SSQ (and all other VHWs) the same basic question in hopefully a more precise way:

Many men are incapable of feeling turned on by their wives desires for extramarital sex. Some men are capable of it. Obviously, if you're a woman in a marriage and feel the need or even the desire for extramarital sex, you will appreciate a husband that opens the cage for you to enjoy it and self realize. What I'm asking is whether is your husband more sexually attractive to you because he vicariously shares your desire for that outside contact? And if so, why?

I mean, sure- the idea that we share kinks together is part of someone's overall package of desirability. It is part of our connection and compatibility. If I had wildly different sexual kinks than a potential partner, things probably would not work out between us even in the case of nonmonogamy. To me, hotwifing would be no different than any other kink like pegging or electrical play or anything else. Having similar desires is a big plus. In this case, more so, because it's the entire relationship model that is changing. Obviously wanting the same relationship model is critical to the health of a long term relationship.

But I do not view marriage as a cage, and I don't view that my husband opens that. We negotiate things together, and if an open relationship isn't something he would see as healthy for both of us, he shouldn't do it. Compersion doesn't mean living your whole life for someone else. Something as big as a relationship model change should be desired by both parties or it shouldn't be done. There's way too much in the way of control words in your description.

[Pimpeltje]

Thanks for your advice. I'll think about it en speak with my wife again.

[Farmgirl]

Yes, I find compersion a very attractive component of a man. With my Number1's compersion, I feel fully free to enjoy other men and to enjoy coming home to him. He is excited and happy by my happiness, thus making me even happier. The circle then builds on itself.
Aside from a rare utopian idea, the person having the compersion always gets something out of it, be it only the happiness the feeling of the compersion brings, or in the case of some husbands here, the added element of what their wife is doing while she immensely enjoys herself.
Knowing my Number1 loves me being what I want to be, makes it oh so much better and him oh so much more attractive.

I don't think compersion is "a rare utupian idea". It's the idea that if your friend told you the same story, that you'd be happy for them because they are happy. You don't have to get something out of it personally to be happy for them! Why should your partner get even less than that? Compersion is definitely not strictly about sex; it's language borrowed from polyamory. People who experience a high degree of compersion tend to have a higher level of empathy as well.

I think it is a rare utopian idea if you think both don't get something out of it. Like I said that you skipped over, the one may only get out of it the happiness of knowing the other person is happy, but that happiness is still something.

Using your example: " It's the idea that if your friend told you the same story, that you'd be happy for them because they are happy. You don't have to get something out of it personally to be happy for them!"
In your example, I got happiness out of knowing my friend was happy. I received much more than nothing, I received happiness. I got something out of it, that is why it's a rare utopian idea that both don't get something out of it.

"Compersion is definitely not strictly about sex;", I didn't say it was strictly about sex.

Paying attention to what you read might help, instead of jumping to conclusions about what you think one says.

[SSQ]

I think it is a rare utopian idea if you think both don't get something out of it. Like I said that you skipped over, the one may only get out of it the happiness of knowing the other person is happy, but that happiness is still something.

This literally is the definition of compersion. Right there. So I'm not sure what you're misunderstanding.