Not a Cuckold, but Thought I'd Share My Situation

[Rogueuser1]

My Vote: "I'm reconciling with my husband. Do not contact me." ---- And block his number of course.

To your: "Ok, so I'm playing with fire and I'm already afraid of the responses I'm going to get for this one."
Don't be afraid of anyone on this board. We're only getting the slices you are giving us and none of us know how to better deal with the situation than you do. Your situation is uniquely yours.

It is encouraging to see the reaction of her family, especially her mom to all of this. Having read it all it now seems like she deliberately outed your wife without being obvious about it to try to stop the train from completely going over a cliff rather than just off the tracks. The entire situation sucks but at least you found out now not 6 more months from now with her having months of extra fuck dates under belt.

I realize not everyone will agree but I still think you are doing the right thing pushing to save your marriage, and more especially your family. I think it's good you guys are not just having sex but having good sex.

Best of luck with the counselor tomorrow --- remember if you don't like them to try another rather than just stopping counseling. You need to find someone you can both work with.

[drstrangelove]

My Vote: "I'm reconciling with my husband. Do not contact me." ---- And block his number of course.

To your: "Ok, so I'm playing with fire and I'm already afraid of the responses I'm going to get for this one."
Don't be afraid of anyone on this board. We're only getting the slices you are giving us and none of us know how to better deal with the situation than you do. Your situation is uniquely yours.

It is encouraging to see the reaction of her family, especially her mom to all of this. Having read it all it now seems like she deliberately outed your wife without being obvious about it to try to stop the train from completely going over a cliff rather than just off the tracks. The entire situation sucks but at least you found out now not 6 more months from now with her having months of extra fuck dates under belt.

I realize not everyone will agree but I still think you are doing the right thing pushing to save your marriage, and more especially your family. I think it's good you guys are not just having sex but having good sex.

Best of luck with the counselor tomorrow --- remember if you don't like them to try another rather than just stopping counseling. You need to find someone you can both work with.

Rogue, I’ve appreciated your advice throughout this mess. And the truth is I still love her, so if we can fix some of our flaws, I feel like I have a shot at an incredible marriage with her—I’m not sure what the odds of that are with a random new girl. And that’s without consideration of the kids, who are my primary focus anyway.

I haven’t gone yet, but I’m committed to counseling. I think we have a laundry list of issues to worth through, most importantly our shockingly poor inability to communicate.

I’ll give the counsellor a shot and we’ll make the call if we feel we need to swap.

[jratt85]

It's amazing how the shadow of resentment has suddenly allowed you to last so much longer than usual and treat her like just a fuck toy.. You are acting completely differently and I honestly believe that that's because while you might not be consciously thinking about it while fucking her, your lack of trust and all that hurt is hiding in the shadows and tempering everything you do and giving you a level of disconnect that's allowing you to last longer and not treat her like your loving goddess wife that you need to walk on eggshells with but just a series of holes to use for your pleasure.. which with how she treated you, might be the only thing she's deserved at this point.

I definitly think you are playing with fire and excusing her actions though.. but what do I know eh?

[drstrangelove]

It's amazing how the shadow of resentment has suddenly allowed you to last so much longer than usual and treat her like just a fuck toy.. You are acting completely differently and I honestly believe that that's because while you might not be consciously thinking about it while fucking her, your lack of trust and all that hurt is hiding in the shadows and tempering everything you do and giving you a level of disconnect that's allowing you to last longer and not treat her like your loving goddess wife that you need to walk on eggshells with but just a series of holes to use for your pleasure.. which with how she treated you, might be the only thing she's deserved at this point.

I definitly think you are playing with fire and excusing her actions though.. but what do I know eh?

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to my sexuality this week—it sometimes gives me a break from thoughts that make me cry.

I left this out in my post above for some reason, but after she blew me this morning, she also told me:

“I know this may sound mean, but that’s the first time I’ve given you a BJ in a long time where I wasn’t just counting down the seconds until you came.”

I responded, “that’s the first time in a long time when you started with a HJ that I wasn’t trying to cum quickly so I could avoid making it last too long for you.”

And also I was getting off on the humiliation of cunning quick.

So yea, how did those fetishes develop? It’s a good question. I’ve started to think partially I was leaning into fetishes that were supported by my wife’s preferences. I noted this in an earlier post I think, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence than I started to enjoy cuming while eating her out after she established her dislike of penetration with me.

I kept falling into kinks that I could explore while participating in a sexlife she would tolerate.

Over the summer, I enjoyed a PM relationship with a female member of this forum—she was into being dominated and I fell into that role—having her send me pics and using her body to please me. I had fun with it—ultimately, I don’t know that I enjoy being a sub more or less, I just was able to explore the sub role in my real sexlife without significant participation from ny wife.

It’s all fucked up really. So now, the cards I’ve been dealt are clearly her discovering her sexual kinks as more of a sub. She likes being taken and fucked hard, and I’m ok exploring that with her right now.

Truthfully, my goal is to develop an awesome sexual relationship with her where we can enjoy different roles. I may be naive, but I see a viable future living that life with her.

And as for cuckolding specifically, it’s a sore subject now. It went from being my go to porn choice to now feeling non-erotic. I’m still too raw to enjoy the idea that in some ways I got to live out my fantasy this past week—it was the worst week of my life though, so it’s a valuable lesso for me: the goal shouldn’t be the specific kink, it should be finding a partner you can be entirely open with in the bedroom.

[Kays cuck]

Seems to me that the hot sex you're having is akin to the NRE that a lot hotwives go through with their new lovers. I'm glad you're getting the chance to have it and I'm sure it's helping your ego a lot right now. You deserve to feel good. However, this energy is going to wear off at some point and you're going to have to deal with the feelings of all the horrible things she said to her mom about you, that she carelessly risked your family and kids and didn't seem to care at all while she was doing it. Good luck.

I wouldn't tell her what to respond to him in the text. I'd have her decide what to do. You can't control her actions or thoughts or feelings for him. She has to decide what's right.

[Maddie_Hippychick]

If you tell his wife, he will have his hands full trying to save his own marriage. He won’t have time to play games with your wife. If you threaten to tell his wife he might just stay away anyways. You have a ton of leverage on him right now. Use it. Have your wife respond with the threat, but add you to the thread.

If this fucktard doesn’t leave your wife alone, will you be willing to tell his wife then?

[Maddie_Hippychick]

The term for the great sex that you’re having now is “hysterical bonding”. It’s a well known phenomenon after infidelity. Sadly, it doesn’t last. I’m sorry.

[jratt85]

If I were you I'd delete what you said to me while you can.. if she ever pops on here and sees what you just said, it could ruin you both in her eyes and in the eyes of a court.. while not physical it can still be taken as infidelity and used against you.

[drstrangelove]

If I were you I'd delete what you said to me while you can.. if she ever pops on here and sees what you just said, it could ruin you both in her eyes and in the eyes of a court.. while not physical it can still be taken as infidelity and used against you.

We live in a no fault state. Infidelity has no bearing on divorce or child custody.

[drstrangelove]

The term for the great sex that you’re having now is “hysterical bonding”. It’s a well known phenomenon after infidelity. Sadly, it doesn’t last. I’m sorry.

Yup, just read about it. That hits the nail on the head. It still seems logical for me to enjoy it now. I will be asking the therapist about it tomorrow though.

[chris]

Marital counseling will help and I wish you good luck tomorrow.

HOWEVER.... I think your wife has some issues, deep down, that she needs to work on individually. Deep down, something triggered her lying, alcohol abuse, the affair, and so on. That deep-down issue, whatever it is (insecurities? resentments? abuse?), needs to be addressed. I think that should be her #1 priority and I think you should be looking at her willingness & ability to deal with it head on, as one of the factors as to whether to stay in the marriage. I think you should support her in every way possible, but the "pull" has to come from her.

[TinyTim]

Haven’t been in your shoes but I’m baffled.
My questions are: 1. How would this have played out if undiscovered by you? 2. What was driving her to hate being in your presence and to only have sex with you when drunk? 3. Why did those feeling suddenly reverse? 4. What are her true feelings? 5. Do you think she liked you cumming in your boxers during oral was because she couldn’t stand to pleasure you directly? 6. When not thinking about her sexually, how do you feel about her? 7. Do you think you’ve been too passive, bending and twisting to give her what you perceive is her desire without consideration of what you want?
No obligation to answer of course. These are just the things that puzzle/bother me about your situation.

[jratt85]

Oh btw, I said it before but after recent events.. you seriously need to go get a STD test done.

[drstrangelove]

Marital counseling will help and I wish you good luck tomorrow.

HOWEVER.... I think your wife has some issues, deep down, that she needs to work on individually. Deep down, something triggered her lying, alcohol abuse, the affair, and so on. That deep-down issue, whatever it is (insecurities? resentments? abuse?), needs to be addressed. I think that should be her #1 priority and I think you should be looking at her willingness & ability to deal with it head on, as one of the factors as to whether to stay in the marriage. I think you should support her in every way possible, but the "pull" has to come from her.

I think that’s spot on—but I’ve thus far been trying to avoid thinking about it that way. I don’t know if my wife genuinely can change—or even if she realize she needs to. For her to do this, she’s going to have to be very honest and willing to improve herself. I feel like I have very little control over that.

But even though she’s primarily at fault, I recognize that I have my own issues. I’m looking at therapy as a way for me to improve myself while also finding the tools to forgive her. I really want to do that—honestly mostly just for ne—I really want to be a better person and husband.

[drstrangelove]

Haven’t been in your shoes but I’m baffled.
My questions are: 1. How would this have played out if undiscovered by you? 2. What was driving her to hate being in your presence and to only have sex with you when drunk? 3. Why did those feeling suddenly reverse? 4. What are her true feelings? 5. Do you think she liked you cumming in your boxers during oral was because she couldn’t stand to pleasure you directly? 6. When not thinking about her sexually, how do you feel about her? 7. Do you think you’ve been too passive, bending and twisting to give her what you perceive is her desire without consideration of what you want?
No obligation to answer of course. These are just the things that puzzle/bother me about your situation.

1. Well we know the affair would have continued. She would have seen him in his car this past Tuesday at the end of her work day (they had plans) and they were in early talks for the next hotel stay. There’s no reason to think the regular car meetups would have changed or stopped, so they probably would see each other again this week (today most likely as Tuesday was the most common).

I genuinely don’t know where it would have developed, but I don’t think she’d have ever volunteered to come clean with me—she’d have either continued this affair or another one until she hit a breaking point where she divorced me or she would have changed her mind, been regretful, wanted to stay with me, but then been too scared that telling me would have me divorce her. I don’t think she’s the type of person that could have spent the rest of her life having affairs behind my back though—she doesn’t deal with stress well.

Ultimately, I think the most likely end to this was me finding out. I was incredibly trusting—despite all the signs, I never snooped or dig into her life. And frankly, as much as she did to cover her tracks, she was fairly sloppy. So I feel like at some point I’d have felt justified to snoop based on the red flags and I’d have found out.

2. She claims starting in 2020 she began to gradually hate being around me more and more. With the pandemic, we were almost always home and around each other 24/7. I liked it—we’d be able to chat throughout the day, have lunch with each other, etc. For her, it was just gradual resentment for me—she was taking all the problems in her life and putting the blame on me.

As for the sex, she felt guilty during the affair and also constantly horny. The sec was her way of handling both—and she justified it by feeling that the affair wasn’t a bad thing because everyone involved was having fun because of it. She drank because she felt it was the only way for her to be loose enough to enjoy sex with me. I think it’s also obvious that she was drinking to take the stress edge off.

3. This is a big problem still for me. I look back at how unhappy she was these last three months and how much she seemed to have such disdain for me, and I try to make sense of how she can reverse course so drastically this week. What’s she’s said to me and her family is that she literally had no idea how much I loved her. And she had no idea I’d be so hurt and devastated by the news.

She thought this would play out with me yelling at her and being cruel, and then leaving her. Even as recently as Friday, she thought there was no way I could forgive her once I had the whole truth, specifically the intimacy and sexual extremes of the hotel stays.

But with every step I’ve sat in front of her, cried, asked for more punishing truth, and said I loved her and still wanted to try to reconcile. My devotion to her has shaken her foundation and she now realizes how little she appreciated me.

4. I do not know what her true feelings are. This week has been an extreme rollercoaster. As we start to come down from this madness, she’ll be faced with her genuine feelings. FWIW, I feel like there’s love there between us, but there’s so much pain right now neither of us can pretend to be thinking clearly.

5. Looking back now, I don’t think she cared about me cuming in my boxers. She had no sexual feelings for me and no interest in where I came. Cuming in my boxers was more convenient for her than anywhere else though.

6. I still love her. I don’t think the framing of your question is right—my love for her as a person far exceeds any lust I have for her sexually. I think we are also a great team—we’re so opposite—her compassion and sweetness have only changed me for the better throughout our relationship.

7. Early in the relationship she began to shutdown sexually. I don’t think because of me, I think because of other things in her life. She was fired from two jobs and was in a car accident that led to anxiety attacks and a year or so of therapy. She was emotionally raw at times and I look back and realize I wasn’t emotionally mature enough to give her the proper support. I suspect that lack of support gradually led to resentment for me, and that manifested into the bedroom (perhaps as a subconscious punishment to me).

That created a cycle of resentment as I was angry at her for being so prudish in bed. The result was that I decided if I was going to be with her, I’d have to figure out a way of making our sexual relationship fun for me. I think even before I started this thread, my efforts to be more passive in the bedroom were ultimately selfish—I was looking for an angle to enjoy sex acts with her and justified it because the angle seemed to be in line with the type of sex she wanted to have.

[drstrangelove]

If you tell his wife, he will have his hands full trying to save his own marriage. He won’t have time to play games with your wife. If you threaten to tell his wife he might just stay away anyways. You have a ton of leverage on him right now. Use it. Have your wife respond with the threat, but add you to the thread.

If this fucktard doesn’t leave your wife alone, will you be willing to tell his wife then?

So for clarity here, my wife responded to him yesterday afternoon with "Hey I'm reconciling with my husband. Do not contact me."

She waited a bit and then about 20 minutes later blocked him (to see if he responded). Of note, a few hours later, she got a text from her friend, the third person on the committee she was on with the guy. She mentioned something about wanting to get together for a couples night (the two of them and husbands) and ended up noting that the guy messaged her asking if my wife was ok.

It's all still hard for me to read what the feelings between my wife and the guy are right now, but she's mostly showing it as anger--she feels used by him and also feels angry that she's the one that has to leave the PTA and not him--as though he should have been the one to offer to leave because he knows how much more it means to her than him.

No way to know where things go, but my gut tells me that there's still an X% chance they find a way to have a conversation in the coming months--I feel like both of them want that. The affair was interrupted before either had emotionally moved passed the other. That insecurity on my end is difficult to deal with because her words ring hollow to me.

Edit: I may have been unclear about this--the other woman on committee doesn't know about affair. The guy reached out to her because others were noting my wife was leaving the PTA, so he reached out to her to see if he could gain any info on my wife because my wife hasn't talked to him since Wednesday.

Bottomline--they both clearly want closure, and my wife has admitted to that. It's going to be a big top at therapy.

[drstrangelove]

Update:

So last night, my wife and I had long scheduled plans to go to an event in the same city she works. I was supposed to go with my sister as well, but she's sick, so my wife and I went alone. The issue was that the event was at the same location as the NBA game my wife went to and watched alone on Jan. 4 the first night they went to a hotel. Right next door to the event location is the parking garage she'd go to for meeting in his car (four times between Jan. 18 and March 2).

It was difficult, more so for her than me it seemed. We had been having a very good day and I was trying to keep things positive, as was she. But there were definite moments of sadness for her I'd pick up on. The gravity of what she did (to me) and being back in that location to me was a lot for her to process.

We were back home before 10:30 and kept it fairly light. We both enjoyed the night together and agreed it was good to dress up and go out together.

In bed, we had sex, which was the third session of the day (first two were described in my last update). It was a lengthy session (45+ minutes) and very passionate and fun.

I slept for the first time in a week (seven hours or so) and that was incredible. I feel more clear headed this morning. My wife and I have become horribly behind at work, but it's hard for me because I can't think of anything else. We ended up speaking for 3+ hours again this morning with my goal being to understand more of her emotional state at various points of the affair. I keep picking at her story because I feel like she's often trying to avoid hurtful revelations--which makes sense.

What I've put together was just how comprehensive the affair was. They had a full emotional connection with texts going back and forth most weekdays (he established no contact on weekends because of risks being around his wife).

Right now, as noted in my post above, the principle concern is their lack of closure and the pull on my wife to one day want to connect with him to seek closure behind my back. But it's not that I'm opposed to her closure, I'm opposed to her potentially opening up that line of comms again--it's a slippery slope. Once she deceives me and talks to him, it's easy to justify doing it again. And before you know it, we're four months from now and they've had a few conversations. It leaves the door open and interferes with our reconciliation.

Again, she's not saying she's going to do that, she's just acknowledging that it may be hard for her to do, but she is willing to do it. My problem is less that I don't believe she wants to do it and more than I don't think she's strong enough to not do it.

[BigHotMess]

You’re not going to get all of the answers that you need until you speak with his wife. It’s literally the only tool that you have in your tool belt to dramatically lesson the chances and for your efforts are reconciliation to not go to waste. I’d encourage you to read up on the Surviving Infidelity website to grab some tips - those folks are the pros!

[drstrangelove]

You’re not going to get all of the answers that you need until you speak with his wife. It’s literally the only tool that you have in your tool belt to dramatically lesson the chances and for your efforts are reconciliation to not go to waste. I’d encourage you to read up on the Surviving Infidelity website to grab some tips - those folks are the pros!

We just did 90 minutes with the therapist. We spent the first hour+ talking about how we met and our family history. Then we crammed in the start of how I found out about the affair and then left five minutes to ask questions—one of them was about the guy’s wife. She agreed with my wife and I on not telling her.

We are going back on Thursday and I hope to explore your point further. There’s just so little time to dig into the myriad of issues. But trust is a big one in so many regards. I don’t know how to trust that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me and no one else. An without that, I don’t know how to live each day—I literally don’t know what to do until I reach a resolution here. I’m in limbo.

[BigHotMess]

I’d encourage you to read more on this in Surviving Infidelity site.

While is GREAT that you are in counseling the prevailing feeling from SI is that exposure is 100% necessary and that therapists will normally advise on both sides of this. The veterans there can explain it better than I, but it’s really the *only* way that you can make sure that the affair is dead.

From an ethical standpoint it’s important, which is another reason that it kind of passes by therapists. That’s not their job. But there is some poor woman out there who has no idea what is happening to her, whose husband may be already messing with financials, who is absolutely exposing her to the possibility of catching a life-altering STD. Anyhow check in with their ‘just found out’ forum and they’ll articulate that much better than I

I’m glad that things are looking better!

[gordon921]

Totally agree with you, already suggested he goes there for advise, was going to post something yesterday, no one on that site you mention approves of MC before you both have done a lot of IC, her to dig deep and find out the causes were and to fix them and you to heal. MC's are about saving a marriage not digging underneath and helping individuals understand their actions and heal, they will advise rug-sweepings, which means you never get closure and means the anger etc could (most probably) come back years later, much stronger. Another thing they strongly advocate is tell the AP's partner as you advise.

[drstrangelove]

Totally agree with you, already suggested he goes there for advise, was going to post something yesterday, no one on that site you mention approves of MC before you both have done a lot of IC, her to dig deep and find out the causes were and to fix them and you to heal. MC's are about saving a marriage not digging underneath and helping individuals understand their actions and heal, they will advise rug-sweepings, which means you never get closure and means the anger etc could (most probably) come back years later, much stronger. Another thing they strongly advocate is tell the AP's partner as you advise.

I don’t know why I haven’t yet—I guess it just feels overwhelming to go to a new board and try to explain all this from scratch. If I can find time today, I may attempt it though.

I have your same concerns with MC. I feel like I’m ready to be open, but I’m just not sure my wife will be able to open up entirely. I want to be open minded and give it a shot though—we both liked the therapist, we just need much more time to dig in with her.

[SixInchDick]

Because your wife hasn't been truthful, one large question is whether she meant everything she told her mom. Did she really believe everything she wrote, or was she lying to her mom by exaggerating her feelings about you to get her mom on her side to approve of her cheating?

This is why lying is such a bad thing -- even after the fact, seeing all those texts, you don't really know what your wife really felt about you. Those texts are really bad, but they could also be worse than that.

Also, now that your wife seems so upset about the idea of getting divorced, why is that? Is there only a financial concern, or does she really not want to lose her family? Sometimes when people get obsessed with an idea (cheating, for example), they see everything through that lens and lose their overall perspective.

What you really want to do is what is best for you and your children, and best for your family. Revenge for her behavior really doesn't help with any of those goals -- so taking all of it into account, the real questions are:

• What, if anything, do you and your wife have together now, and
• What, if anything, could you have together in the future if you both work on it.

Those aren't easy questions, and they will take a while to answer, but it's worth it for you to get the right answers before you make some very important decisions.

Excellent insight

[SixInchDick]

I hope you guys can work things out. I haven't really been very happy with my marriage since we had kids 14 years ago due to my wife changing significantly as she was pulled deeper and deeper into motherhood. However, I've done my research and ultimately learned that it's better for the kids if a couple can stay together. Divorce can do a lot of damage to children, unless of course the marriage itself is even more damaging when the husband and wife stay together. I'm just going off what I've read, I am no professional. If you guys can stabilize your marriage, trust each other and be civil then you are good to go.

[drstrangelove]

I hope you guys can work things out. I haven't really been very happy with my marriage since we had kids 14 years ago due to my wife changing significantly as she was pulled deeper and deeper into motherhood. However, I've done my research and ultimately learned that it's better for the kids if a couple can stay together. Divorce can do a lot of damage to children, unless of course the marriage itself is even more damaging when the husband and wife stay together. I'm just going off what I've read, I am no professional. If you guys can stabilize your marriage, trust each other and be civil then you are good to go.

That’s ultimately where I’m at. I know my wife and I are able to run a great home for the kids because we’ve been doing it for years. So as long as that’s true, I know I won’t be selfish enough to split from her at their expense.

That still leaves me trying to make the best of what I have. I want to figure out how to forgive her and I want to be a better partner. So my intent is to work on those two things regardless. Right now I am profoundly sad and I am just assuming that will pass.

And hopefully my wife will commit to fixing herself in the same way.