Jade: My Story

[Chrislydi]

Of course this in the past has been the catalyst for endless great excitement and huge fireworks of an extremely positive kind, ultimate fantasies realised,

I fail to see how any of this tale (except the reconciliation) can be characterized as "extremely positive". Whatever fantasies may have been fulfilled, both Walker and Jade went through terrible times. If nothing else, Jade realized that the love of her life wasn't who she thought he was: Walker has to know that he was, and always will be, only a fall back position.

I think you need context, the highs can be high but the lows can be very low indeed. I didn't try to gloss over the downside and the huge risks that can come when you indulge such a way of life, indeed I thought I was fairly explicit. Of course it nearly broke them, and interpretations can be different - I don't claim any moral high ground so another view is just as valid.

My view is Walker was always the really great love of Jade's life but his compulsion to share her almost cost him everything. Jade is only human and susceptible as we all are to changing emotions given changed circumstances. If you're encouraged and pushed into having extramarital boyfriends then inevitably feelings can evolve. If the chemistry is right, very strong love, emotional as well as physical can result, a love that becomes greater than that she has for her husband.

Michael came when her bond with Walker wasn't at it's strongest, she had even suggested she wanted out of the marriage not long before, the right man at the right time fostered and nurtured a dependancy, a love without financial or everyday problems, a great adventure in eroticism and excitement. One affair grew while further weakening the marital bonds until they snapped. This wasn't a journey looked back on through rose tinted glasses but one that showed the warts on the face as well.

Chris

[BDJ]

Chris,
Thank you for answering. I can't speak to veub's comment--don't know the type of relationships he's had that has caused the creation of the mindset which makes such an observation.

Love is both simple and complex. True love tries to accommodate. In this case Jade sought to please me by sexually engaging with others. Emotions, like fire being blown by an errant wind, can get out of hand. Then unanticipated things happen. But love will win out, as it did with us, if it is strong enough.

Veub, reading the postscript will let you know that all that angst, all those misplaced emotions mattered not one whit in the end: powerless because our love didn't turn to hate. We survived, and in so doing our love was made stronger.

[BDJ]

Postscript

Ten years later…

The sound of the machine has roused me from my slumber; an insistent beep, calling for a nurse to see to the fluid coursing through my veins. I look over at Walker, still asleep, and note the weariness permanently etched on his face. How uncomfortable he must be, I think, scrunched unnaturally on the narrow bench wedged beside my recliner. Despite not being designed for someone of his height he’s remained there for the duration of every treatment—has insisted on doing so. And he hasn’t missed a trip during these past eight years as intermittent bouts of chemotherapy have been needed to fight the reoccurring cancer. Finally it’s taken an emotional toll on us almost too much to bear and we’re weary; dreading its continuance but fearful of what happens if we decide to give up. I sigh as the weight of it lays heavy on me: this time, maybe I won’t beat it.

A beautiful, operatic high C suddenly fills the crowded treatment room as the vivacious little blond nurse with an infectious smile gives forth a spontaneous ode to a joy none of us feel. It wakes Walker though, and he gives me his trademark reassuring smile before asking, “How are you feeling?” Instead of answering I respond, “You look uncomfortable, Walker, why don’t you get a coffee and stretch your legs,” “No,” he replies, “I’d rather stay with you.”

In one short sentence he encapsulates the promise he gave me when he took me back. I let the silence linger after his statement, finding it hard to process a reply. It’s like I’m swimming underwater—the force of will it takes to think is much like pushing though that restricting liquid. Finally I get my thoughts lined up and reply, “If you get a coffee you could bring me back a mocha latte.” He laughs but also unfolds himself, gripping the bench as he tries to stand. Inching past me to get to the corridor he pauses to kiss me sweetly. I sigh as I watch him slowly navigate around a fast moving nurse, his cane assisting him so he won’t lose his balance.

There’s been a steep price to pay for the decision to have a second back operation, one that promised to restore full use of his legs. A month into recovery he had a relapse, something about a nerve being touched during the procedure. Now he’s worse off than before. Still, he supports my efforts to live a satisfying life; encouraging me to ride my horse several times a week even though I have to travel to her boarding barn to do so. And he helped me set up a new studio centered around watercolor and batik when I became unable to sculpt. I love him so much, it hurts to see him this way.

I’ve dosed off again by the time he returns but, luckily, I’m able to stay awake to sip the hot liquid. Like so many times before it prompts us to talk about random things…anything to connect emotionally. He jolts me from complacency when he mentions we’ve gotten another card from Cassie and Tim. My mind is instantly filled with pictures of them right before they moved; retirement taking them to their grandchildren far from us. I miss them, not just the sex but hanging out generally. Vanilla friends just aren’t the same.

It’s not like I can have sex anymore though; the tumor has grown too much; it’s now pressing against the wall of my vagina. Then Walker lost his ability to get an erection—the neuropathy caused from the failed operation leaving him permanently impotent. But we still have sex—he sees to that. It’s loving him, touching and having him please me with fingers and tongue—that’s replaced those lusty sessions. But the orgasms he’s able to give me are special because he loves so much making them happen. He’s still trying to read me…still trying to give me what I need.

A new bag of a different drug is connected to my drip and begins to take me back down into oblivion. Funny, I’m being poisoned in hopes it might extend my life. I’m unafraid though—comforted even—because I know Walker will never leav…

The End

[Chrislydi]

That postscript was short but what it said overflowed with super strong emotions and feelings. I felt the tears almost dripping from the page, not tears of sadness but those associated with thoughtful contemplation and the continuing confirmation of a great and lasting love, one that's had it's share of miseries and hard, testing times before and won through. It's something intangible in that it can't be physically seen or touched but by God you can feel it, so, so strong and lasting.

Thank you BDJ and his forever loving wife and life partner Jade, what you've given us is a small but valuable and revealing insight into the great love you share to this day, may it be with you always and prove everlasting.

Chris

[veub]

Chris,
Thank you for answering. I can't speak to veub's comment--don't know the type of relationships he's had that has caused the creation of the mindset which makes such an observation.

Love is both simple and complex. True love tries to accommodate. In this case Jade sought to please me by sexually engaging with others. Emotions, like fire being blown by an errant wind, can get out of hand. Then unanticipated things happen. But love will win out, as it did with us, if it is strong enough.

Veub, reading the postscript will let you know that all that angst, all those misplaced emotions mattered not one whit in the end: powerless because our love didn't turn to hate. We survived, and in so doing our love was made stronger.

As I said before the reconciliation was the positive point of the story. I am glad the there was a reconnection and restored and growing love between you.
What I don't understand is how the prelude to the reconciliation helped that. Do you mean that if you had not embarked on the journey that led to such pain, that love would not have survived, thrived and grown?

[BDJ]

Veub,
I'm sorry to have put off answering you. You pose a valid question that I'm not sure I know how to answer.

I guess the best I can come up with is that our marriage has been a tug of war. For whatever reason I wanted her to fuck other men. She initially resisted, and all along our journey kept having regrets that it seemed to be needed for us to stay happily married. That was a tension that had its opposite in the real satisfaction she got when she was shared. The excitement we both felt kept bringing us closer together...until it didn't. That last time, when I convinced her to flirt back at a fellow artist, when it initially went against her gut feeling, that's when our split occurred. Her little pains of regret surrounding those previous liaisons boomeranged onto me tenfold. Once I had lost her I regretted my insatiable need to know she was getting fucked by someone else, but it didn't go away. She realized her new lover wasn't going to replace the love she felt I had stopped giving her when he dumped her on hearing of her love for him.

We both learned to love each other again. So many mistakes made on my part. But we both grew from those combined experiences in so many ways. I can't think of a life without her...and she feels the same.

I hope this has given you something of an answer. Again, I'm sorry I just couldn't figure out how to do your question justice.

BDJ

[Chrislydi]

This is the way I interpreted it too.

I must confess to getting on a bit of a soapbox and generally getting a little carried away.

The quotes are taken from the hotwives forum thread 'Re: "Why would a guy want his wife to sleep with another man"'

Now the part no one would like to read: I almost lost her. She fell out of love with me twenty some years after marriage from a combination of this lifestyle and my ignoring her (she said.) She only had one long term lover (three years) and it went from a shared experience to one where she became less and less open to their activities. I let it happen...too turned on by her cravings for his cock. I didn't know it had morphed into love. My marriage survived because he was just using her as a cum dump and strung her along until she wanted him instead of me and told him. I took her back and she eventually fell back in love with me. I still loved her: she still was my muse. From then on we only did select, long term couples swinging. That was safe for us.

A caution though for all you wannabes: beware of what you want in life...you may get it.

BDJ

I would change that highlighted sentence to 'Now the part everyone should read'. It's always struck me how blasé and disregarding some are on the accompanying dangers of this lifestyle, it'll never happen to them and they don't need to be careful what they wish for.

Your underlying bond was so strong that even when once broken there was something within both of you, a lifetime of shared memories and experiences and a path of sexual discovery that had been shared from relative innocence to experimentation, so a full sexual awakening for both that could be both renewed and revived. The actual split which could have been terminal and the emotional reconciliation, the gradual regrowth of that bond enabled you to see just how precious it had always been and was then, at that moment the realisation that it had almost been unconsciously thrown away and lost forever really hit home.

I think knowing where it all went wrong and why, learning lessons and taking care not to step into the real danger zone again, makes you realise that every marriage needs constant work and attention and nothing can ever be taken for granted lest any new love and new lover can prove fatal. Any new relationship can develop a far stronger passion and from there a strength of love you never rationally think even possible, the old love can be outdone by the new and a split can develop almost as the frequency, passion and excitement of the new increase, the danger creepng up upon you by stealth, and even more especially when accompanied by such a blind acceptance and inertia. It's so easy to let things become the status quo, to let the new arrangements become a part of the routine until they become more and more frequent, the new love strengthening at the expense of the old, only realising the danger when it's all too late.

By being so conscious of the risks and not venturing into recklessness you can protect what's important, losing the one so precious to you isn't worth any amount of short term and momentary excitement. The results of following a more careful approach made for a stronger lasting bond and a reminder that feelings always have to be voiced and never hidden for fear of offence if danger is to be properly averted. The ridiculous and crass objection of never backtracking even if uncomfortable or harmful is shown up for what it can be, which is absolutely ludicrous and nonsensical, things should always only progress when both are comfortable and secure in the marriage, and backtracking can be very necessary.

Too often this site just has the good news posted, when things turn bad the posters often just leave and noone who has supported them to their eventual disaster is posting anymore as the thread remains dormant, the posts just stop and noone hears.

Chris

[BDJ]

For those who have finished reading this saga and would be interested in learning how it all began, you might want to check out my next effort in the Hotwives Forum. I put it there because it's a factual and linear account from the time we met until Jade: My story begins.

Here's the link. It's titled Jade's Awakening. viewtopic.php?f=5&t=68192

BDJ