A virtual cuckold?

[newaussiecuck]

You may have touched her own wound with your frank openness, something she may not have been ready for. But at the same time it's likely she will respect you for your honesty.
Feelings are funny things, and they certainly are not static. Maybe the arc of her feelings is currently out of sight but will come back into view later when the time is right.
Keep focused on getting strong and staying open, and the possibilities are endless.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. Yes at least I can say that I was honest, and she did thank me at the time for feeling comfortable enough with her to share that.

She did say that we're both empaths, and this was what she was referring to when she said about our good qualities being used against us. Both being empaths means that we can feel what each other is feeling, that's how I was able to feel that she wasn't her normal self. I think it's possible that she's felt the need to distance herself from me for a bit, since I've been in so much pain and distress she would have picked up on that and has probably been feeling pretty awful herself because of it.

Another thing to note is she mentioned the other day that her mum is away, and when she left abruptly she said she had to go and cook dinner for her brother (I think she was running late). So I guess she also has a lot extra on her plate because of stepping into her mum's shoes.

She's also probably wanting her mum's support and guidance with how to deal with me and my huge revelation. It was really a lot for her to take in, and would need time to process.

She's probably also giving me time to sort things and myself out.

It sounds strange with the empath part, but even before she mentioned that I was amazed by how I was able to feel the connection to her even during those long 5 weeks between seeing her. I still felt connected to her. I haven't felt that connection to her in the last week or two, but that could be because of the trauma I went through kind of overrode everything else that I could feel.

As I'm writing this in a quiet moment I can start to feel her a little again.

[whosbeensleeping]

Okay, you said what I was thinking better than I could.
Time for her to process, time for you to sort things out at your end.
Glad you are starting to feel the connection again.
That was also interesting about the empathic part, and her having things on her plate.
Hope your appointment goes well.

[newaussiecuck]

Okay, you said what I was thinking better than I could.
Time for her to process, time for you to sort things out at your end.
Glad you are starting to feel the connection again.
That was also interesting about the empathic part, and her having things on her plate.
Hope your appointment goes well.

Yes, lets hope that's the case and it all works out nicely in the end. I guess I need to let go and just think of the mantra "If it's meant to be then it's meant to be". Having said that, the time apart isn’t any longer than usual. I only saw her Wednesday night and it's now only Sunday. Seeing her once a week is about as often as I see her.

I'm just basing things off our last meeting (I think we were both just as off as each other to be honest) and the lack of message after getting my number. That's completely understandable though, after how our last meeting felt. For her to message me means giving me her number. She might just not be ready for that, especially now while her mum is away.

I woke us this morning feeling really tense and with a pit in my stomach. I rease now what it's from. She woke me up (I think to get me to make breakfast) to tell me a current events story she'd just read. When we had our two "talks" (the night of the suicide threat and the early 6am ambush last week), she complained about the way I react to the way she tells me things. That I just say ok, or "of course" and how it doesn't let us have a conversation about it.

So long story short I think the pit in my stomach was from feeling pressure to perform up to her requirements when she's telling me something. So yeah, not good.

Also I just realised something just as I was writing that last part (so writing here does help). The 6am early morning ambush last Wednesday and the last time that I saw L were on the same day!!! I just had to go back and check as I didn’t realise until now. So of course I was feeling off, and L would have picked up on that.

Lastly, I ran into the couple that I suspect knows L (he knew L's dog's name and she knew my name before I introduced myself). I was in really good sprits and they asked my plans for the rest of the weekend. I mentioned that I'll still be coming to the park. If indeed they do know L, then I hope they'll pass on my good spirits to L.

[whosbeensleeping]

Hope she shows.

I like the saying, Be the person your dog thinks you are.

[whosbeensleeping]

Hope she shows.

I like the saying, Be the person your dog thinks you are.

Edit: I guess that quote kind of came out of nowhere. I was just musing on the magical nature of dogs. Also am sleep-deprived since we are puppy-sitting for a few days. :-)

[Domingo-ITA]

I can’t stop thinking you could be over-estimating L’s interest and connection. I sincerely hope I’m wrong.

Fact is that your frequent thinking of L is distracting you from your marriage’s issues. Or, at least, this is what it seems from reading your posts. Even if the relation with L is a thing (which I suspect is not), the issues with your wife - suicide threats, divorce etc. - are still there to be addressed, and you’ll need all your attention to fix them.

As for L. If her culture is based on such formalities in couple relations, fine. I live in southern Italy, where there is a long tradition of such relational formalities. But then probably she would never embark in a relation with a married man.
Another fact is she wouldn’t want to give you her telephone number. There are only two reasons why she doesn’t want to give you her number: 1. she thinks you could be harassing her with frequent texts and calls; or 2. she doesn’t want you think you are somehow “dating”. You seem to be a very serious and reliable person, so the #1. isn’t very probable.

However, again, my best whishes. Sorry if I sound poorly sustaining you, I just see some risks I think you should be aware of. I keep reading your story.

[newaussiecuck]

I can’t stop thinking you could be over-estimating L’s interest and connection. I sincerely hope I’m wrong.

Fact is that your frequent thinking of L is distracting you from your marriage’s issues. Or, at least, this is what it seems from reading your posts. Even if the relation with L is a thing (which I suspect is not), the issues with your wife - suicide threats, divorce etc. - are still there to be addressed, and you’ll need all your attention to fix them.

As for L. If her culture is based on such formalities in couple relations, fine. I live in southern Italy, where there is a long tradition of such relational formalities. But then probably she would never embark in a relation with a married man.
Another fact is she wouldn’t want to give you her telephone number. There are only two reasons why she doesn’t want to give you her number: 1. she thinks you could be harassing her with frequent texts and calls; or 2. she doesn’t want you think you are somehow “dating”. You seem to be a very serious and reliable person, so the #1. isn’t very probable.

However, again, my best whishes. Sorry if I sound poorly sustaining you, I just see some risks I think you should be aware of. I keep reading your story.

Thanks so much for your input. I think I do agree with pretty much all that you've said.

I admit it's hard to guage L's level of interest or what is her motivation for befriending me. It's possible that she's just wanted a platonic relationship from the get go. However I feel there have been a few too many incongruous comments for it to be just about that. Who really knows though. I feel she's holding back on her true intensions. However, I do think this is in keeping with her cultural norms that I would need to be the one to make the first move. I keep feeling like she's become frustrated that she's put so much effort in yet I haven't asked her out as yet. I was planning to last time I saw her but she left in such a hurry that we didn't really get to talk.

So in short, I don’t really know where things are with L.

I agree that my focus needs to be on my marriage and how to resolve things one way or the other. Having said that, if L hadn't entered the picture then I firmly believe that I would have been stuck in exactly the same place that I have been for the last 2.5 plus years. Wife would still be on her computer in her online relationship. She only ended that because of L, "wife" had picked up on my feelings towards L and ended it to keep me from leaving. I don't believe my "wife's" motivations for ending her relationship had anything to do with me or my feelings or my health. I firmly believe they were selfishly motivated, what she would lose out on if I left.

I see only 3 options for moving forwards:

1. Stay with wife. This means accepting everything she has done to me already which means she'll likely just do it again in this or another form. Wife has already put everything back exactly the way it was 3 years ago before all this started, and is just waiting for me to do the same. To some extent I have in order to placate her while I sort out what to do. All I would need to do is sweep everything under the rug and pretend the last 3 years didn't happen, and go back to doing everything she wants (which was how our relationship was before all this happened). This is the easy path and at times does feel somewhat appealing given how much money I would lose in divorce, and how hard the actual splitting up process would be. Would I lose my dog? Probably.

2. Seek marriage counselling and try and find a way to have a happy healthy relationship with my "wife". This may not be possible if she does have this personality disorder that I suspect she does. For example how would someone contemplate staying married to a psychopath? If she has the narcissist personality disorder that I suspect she does, then she shares many traits with a psychopath (lack of empathy being a major one). I'm not even entirely convinced that she isn't a psychopath. What if her enjoyment from the online relationship was from toying with the other lady, and gaining satisfaction from the fact that she could trick her into believing she was in a relationship with a man. What if she was also gaining enjoyment from seeing how much she was hurting me by doing this?

What if she's gained enjoyment from toying with me? I used to LOVE giving oral sex for example, but then she stopped allowing me to give it. Why would she do that, unless it’s from getting something out of denying me something that I derive pleasure from (even though she should derive pleasure from receiving oral sex).

3. Just split and divorce now without trying counselling.

I'm currently trying option 2 which will likely lead to option 3 if she refuses to go to counselling (which is likely).

I guess what I am saying is that regardless of what happens with L, my marriage pretty much hangs in the balance of whether I can just go along with everything she wants, and if not, then whether she will agree to counselling and whether that counselling is successful.

Remember wife herself said "I'm sorry that I don't know how to love".

[whosbeensleeping]

"Remember wife herself said "I'm sorry that I don't know how to love"."

Yes. That is the crux of the matter. Plus there are apologies that are not really apologies, but covert goal-oriented statements, such as seeking absolution while continuing to act the same. That is simply manipulation masquerading as something else. Forgiveness toward a serial manipulator can only be a kind of self-sabotaging masochism.
I like the commonly-quoted idea that when people show you who they are, believe them.
Everything in your post sounded pretty bang-on to me.

So glad you are taking things to the counselor. So critical when dealing with gaslighting, I would say.

My feeling is don't let the dog be an obstacle, no matter how much you love it. I watched my elderly father get manipulated into staying in a bad thing over a cat, and it was not worth it, I tell you.
Worst case you can get another dog and if an opening appears you can find a way to get your current dog back.

[newaussiecuck]

I can’t stop thinking you could be over-estimating L’s interest and connection. I sincerely hope I’m wrong.

Fact is that your frequent thinking of L is distracting you from your marriage’s issues. Or, at least, this is what it seems from reading your posts. Even if the relation with L is a thing (which I suspect is not), the issues with your wife - suicide threats, divorce etc. - are still there to be addressed, and you’ll need all your attention to fix them.

As for L. If her culture is based on such formalities in couple relations, fine. I live in southern Italy, where there is a long tradition of such relational formalities. But then probably she would never embark in a relation with a married man.
Another fact is she wouldn’t want to give you her telephone number. There are only two reasons why she doesn’t want to give you her number: 1. she thinks you could be harassing her with frequent texts and calls; or 2. she doesn’t want you think you are somehow “dating”. You seem to be a very serious and reliable person, so the #1. isn’t very probable.

However, again, my best whishes. Sorry if I sound poorly sustaining you, I just see some risks I think you should be aware of. I keep reading your story.

Just to add some further information I haven't mentioned publicly yet though have alluded to it. Not even sure why I haven't mentioned it, it's pretty inconsequential.

L's family background is Vietnamese. I understand and was "warned" by a Vietnamese lady I worked with a few years ago that they will go after married men. I'm sorry if this is offensive to any Vietnamese readers if this isn't true, it's just what I was told once. So yes, she has a lot of traditions and formalities to follow.

I suspect that while L has a partner, she's sussing out whether I would be a better alternative. I think she's maintaining plausible deniability in her actions and she can say that we're just friends, while exploring possibilities of more. Unfortunately for me it's not so easy to just hang out with her doing activities as friends as I think is what she truly wants. I have to either leave wife to see her, or sneak around behind wife's back. Hanging out with her as a friend wouldn't fly with wife as things stand, even if it was innocently doing group activities. Going to the park each day is becoming challenging enough, she takes control over my time and activities and especially now that she's stopped her computer use and turned her attention on me I've lost all freedom that I enjoyed over the last few years. I'm feeling smothered and can feel her strong dissaproval whenever I do anything that she doesn't want. It leaves me feeling like I don't want to do anything, so mostly I don't and I just feel lost.

I suspect that maybe with what I revealed the other week that L might decide that I'm too much trouble to be involved with, or she could get into a dangerous situation given that wife seems unstable. I can understand her hesitation to give her mobile number to a married man with an unstable wife who has just threatened suicide to use as emotional blackmail to get him back!

If I'm lucky, L might come from time to time but keep distant unless I've actually left wife. She might even keep an eye on me through her connections that visit the park. Otherwise she's probably run for the hills.

[newaussiecuck]

"Remember wife herself said "I'm sorry that I don't know how to love"."

Yes. That is the crux of the matter. Plus there are apologies that are not really apologies, but covert goal-oriented statements, such as seeking absolution while continuing to act the same. That is simply manipulation masquerading as something else. Forgiveness toward a serial manipulator can only be a kind of self-sabotaging masochism.
I like the commonly-quoted idea that when people show you who they are, believe them.
Everything in your post sounded pretty bang-on to me.

So glad you are taking things to the counselor. So critical when dealing with gaslighting, I would say.

My feeling is don't let the dog be an obstacle, no matter how much you love it. I watched my elderly father get manipulated into staying in a bad thing over a cat, and it was not worth it, I tell you.
Worst case you can get another dog and if an opening appears you can find a way to get your current dog back.

Thank you and I agree 100% with your comments. I've thought deeply about my dog and I agree that I will likely have to let her go. I will try everything I can to keep her, but it might not be possible. I might just have to be content with knowing that I've given her the best life that I could while I could.

[newaussiecuck]

One last post for tonight. I think "wife" was testing me just now to see where I'm at and whether I would fall under her thumb and do her bidding. While watching tv she commented that the door was closed which we were leaving open (she had closed it, it wasn't me). I think she was expecting me to get up and open it, which I didn’t I just kept laying on my side facing away from her in the position I was in. She then asked if I had closed it or whether she had. I told her she had. I was half expecting her to get up and open in with a sigh or something. However she just stayed sitting there and the door stayed closed the next half hour or something.

I wasn't going to get up when she could just as easily, and she was the one that mentioned it and she was the one that closed it. She probably didn't like that too much. I wonder what response it will get, probably cold shoulder.

No L at the park tonight and there was good weather too for this time of year. Maybe tomorrow or next day as there's good weather also. However I think so might disappear for a few weeks at least unfortunately, she really didn’t seem happy with me last time. I really do hope she comes tomorrow though. I don't know how long her mum is away either.

[Long Lurker 34]

I can’t stop thinking you could be over-estimating L’s interest and connection. I sincerely hope I’m wrong.

Fact is that your frequent thinking of L is distracting you from your marriage’s issues. Or, at least, this is what it seems from reading your posts. Even if the relation with L is a thing (which I suspect is not), the issues with your wife - suicide threats, divorce etc. - are still there to be addressed, and you’ll need all your attention to fix them.

As for L. If her culture is based on such formalities in couple relations, fine. I live in southern Italy, where there is a long tradition of such relational formalities. But then probably she would never embark in a relation with a married man.
Another fact is she wouldn’t want to give you her telephone number. There are only two reasons why she doesn’t want to give you her number: 1. she thinks you could be harassing her with frequent texts and calls; or 2. she doesn’t want you think you are somehow “dating”. You seem to be a very serious and reliable person, so the #1. isn’t very probable.

However, again, my best whishes. Sorry if I sound poorly sustaining you, I just see some risks I think you should be aware of. I keep reading your story.

Just to add some further information I haven't mentioned publicly yet though have alluded to it. Not even sure why I haven't mentioned it, it's pretty inconsequential.

L's family background is Vietnamese. I understand and was "warned" by a Vietnamese lady I worked with a few years ago that they will go after married men. I'm sorry if this is offensive to any Vietnamese readers if this isn't true, it's just what I was told once. So yes, she has a lot of traditions and formalities to follow.

I suspect that while L has a partner, she's sussing out whether I would be a better alternative. I think she's maintaining plausible deniability in her actions and she can say that we're just friends, while exploring possibilities of more. Unfortunately for me it's not so easy to just hang out with her doing activities as friends as I think is what she truly wants. I have to either leave wife to see her, or sneak around behind wife's back. Hanging out with her as a friend wouldn't fly with wife as things stand, even if it was innocently doing group activities. Going to the park each day is becoming challenging enough, she takes control over my time and activities and especially now that she's stopped her computer use and turned her attention on me I've lost all freedom that I enjoyed over the last few years. I'm feeling smothered and can feel her strong dissaproval whenever I do anything that she doesn't want. It leaves me feeling like I don't want to do anything, so mostly I don't and I just feel lost.

I suspect that maybe with what I revealed the other week that L might decide that I'm too much trouble to be involved with, or she could get into a dangerous situation given that wife seems unstable. I can understand her hesitation to give her mobile number to a married man with an unstable wife who has just threatened suicide to use as emotional blackmail to get him back!

If I'm lucky, L might come from time to time but keep distant unless I've actually left wife. She might even keep an eye on me through her connections that visit the park. Otherwise she's probably run for the hills.

NAC Re L's background. I had, a few decades ago, a mild interaction with a woman from VN too. One key thing thou is is L FROM VN or is she Aussie of VN background? As the difference can be huge. The woman I knew was literally right off the plane and working in a VN restaurant. I knew the owners for several years and their children who were in their twenties. The kids were, as best as I could tell, much the same as other Canadian kids, but woman I knew, as they explained to me, was very, very conservative by our standards as that was the expectation in VN and she had not been here for very long. Anyway things did not go far or for very long.

[newaussiecuck]

NAC Re L's background. I had, a few decades ago, a mild interaction with a woman from VN too. One key thing thou is is L FROM VN or is she Aussie of VN background? As the difference can be huge. The woman I knew was literally right off the plane and working in a VN restaurant. I knew the owners for several years and their children who were in their twenties. The kids were, as best as I could tell, much the same as other Canadian kids, but woman I knew, as they explained to me, was very, very conservative by our standards as that was the expectation in VN and she had not been here for very long. Anyway things did not go far or for very long.

L is Aussie (born here) but her mum was born in VN. I haven't asked her this but it's very obvious and doesn't need to be asked.

I agree that it can make some difference. She would feel pressure from mum to follow traditional values, but also from friends to follow more westernised values.

Unfortunately while I've been completely honest with L at all times, I have a feeling she might think that I was trying to manipulate her by sharing what I did or that I've been less than honest. The botched phone number giving certainly didn't help. However in my defence it's a newish number I've only had for 2 years and I've only given it to a handful of people in that time. I'm not in the habit of giving out my number easily and so I haven't memorised it.

I really hope that she can come tonight.

[whosbeensleeping]

Fingers crossed you see her tonight or soon.

[Domingo-ITA]

Don’t self-bash you. A lot of people doesn’t remember their own phone number, it’s not a strange thing. Plus when one gives his number to someone else, very often simply calls on the other’s phone so the other person has the number on the display and can save it. All this doesn’t encourage memorization. So let’s hope L hasn’t any issue with the number giving “botching” (which in reality wasn’t a “botching” but a normal non-memorization).

[newaussiecuck]

Don’t self-bash you. A lot of people doesn’t remember their own phone number, it’s not a strange thing. Plus when one gives his number to someone else, very often simply calls on the other’s phone so the other person has the number on the display and can save it. All this doesn’t encourage memorization. So let’s hope L hasn’t any issue with the number giving “botching” (which in reality wasn’t a “botching” but a normal non-memorization).

Thank you so much. Yes self-flagellation is a bit of a bad habit with me. I can be pretty hard on myself, which only makes it easier for "wife" to kick me when I'm down.

You're right about the exchange of numbers, that's how I thought it was going to go. When she left a bit abruptly (she did say goodbye and let me pat her dog while she was holding her and said goodbye) I asked "Before you go, do you want to exchange contacts?". Note I asked if she wanted to (no obligation to on my part, though she may have found it difficult to say no) and I said exchange. I thought she'd give me her number or I'd give her mine and then the other person would call it to give their number. That's exactly how it happened for the two people that I just got their numbers in case of emergency (the lady who offered to rent her room).

So after getting my number, L said she'll message me when she gets home, and then never did. Maybe she just wanted to think it over first, but if she didn't feel comfortable exchanging numbers with me she really should have just said she wasn't ready for that just yet. Now the situation feels a bit awkward. I won't make a big deal of it though if I do see her again, maybe she felt put on the spot.

[newaussiecuck]

The weather was really nice again today for this time of year. Unfortunately L wasn't there again though. I do think today was a work from office day for her, so it would have required her to get up at 5am and go to work 2 hours early again like she did the 2nd last time I saw her (when we had lots of time to spend together and I overshared). Given the abrupt end to last visit, I think she was wanting to keep her time with me short so that I wouldn’t have opportunity to overshare again.

So I guess I wasn't too surprised she wasn't there tonight given how much effort she would have had to go to in order to get there today.

However, I did see PG 1.0 there tonight. She was on her own, and I haven't seen her there for quite a few weeks. That was interesting because I do have quite a few reasons to suspect that she knows L and maybe set her up to go meet me. PG is also from VN background just like L. PG is a nurse just like the other VN lady that L said had suggested for her to go to the park (the one that is friends with L's brother). The one that L had said about "so we have that connection". So given PG and this other lady are both nurses of VN background and both have been to the park very often, it's unlikely that they don’t know each other.

PG knows very well the lady that knew my name (I've seen them talking like old friends), and who's partner knew L's puppy's name. Their puppies are same age so I suspect maybe they go to the same puppy school. Lastly, the 2 weeks before meeting L, I saw PG there 2 or 3 weeks in a row at the exact same day and time that I arrived to see L sitting there when I arrived. I always felt PG was somehow behind us meeting, and had sussed out what time I go there when it's less busy.

So I was a bit interested to see her there tonight.

So I just said hi to PG and said that I haven't seen her in a while. She asked how I was and said that I was OK but it's hard getting used to this colder weather. She complimented my dog how she's so much more active now. I thanked her and that's about all I got to say before my dog pooped and I had to break away to deal with it.

I then just let her be and mostly kept to myself while playing with the dogs. Hopefully she was there to suss out my mood (and maybe check that "wife" didn't show up) and see if OK for L to go the next day.

I guess well see tomorrow if she comes, it's the last day of decent weather for a while.

[whosbeensleeping]

Hang in there, and keep playing the long game!

[newaussiecuck]

Hang in there, and keep playing the long game!

Thank you, yes I will play the long game whether it's just for platonic or more. Kind of what I did with PG, I just backed right off and gave her all the space she needed and now we're at least "friebds" enough to say hey and chat a little here and there. I'm always careful not to overstep and I end the conversation first rather than try and hang on for more.

I really do hope that I see L tonight . . . . . however . . . . . . .

If L doesn't watch out she may now have a little competition!!!! I'm still at work but I just had a very interesting encounter with a younger lady in the marketing department. I'll name her N. We work on different floors and our paths very rarely cross. I've spoken to her maybe 4 times total since starting about 7 or 8 months ago.

First time I was in the kitchen a week or two after first starting and was chatting to a co-worker of hers who started same week I did. She came up with two other coworkers and started speaking to me and introduced herself (she was the only one who introduced herself). I noticed her immediately and made note to remember her name.

Over the ensuing months nothing happened just random sightings and one or two shared group meetings etc. I always found myself checking her out as it's sometimes nice to have someone nice to look at in a boring meeting.

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting down at the lunch table at the same time as N and her co-workers sat down around me also. It's fair to say there was quite a bit of flirting going on during that lunch. At least from my side and maybe a little from her too. Maybe, but it did feel like there was some chemistry there.

So I just randomly bumped into her while she was running late for a meeting on my floor. She stopped and chatted with me and there was quite a bit of "hi. it's really nice too see you. I haven't seen you in a while" kind of stuff. After I mentioned not seeing her around for a while she mentioned she's been on leave for a couple of weeks. So we spoke all about what she was doing whole on leave etc. She was asking about how I've been and has work been too crazy for me etc. I just said I don't get too stressed about work, I just do what I can do and not worry about anything else. After chatting for a while she ended up saying that she's late for a meeting but she said how it was really good to see me and she'll see me around. I said likewise.

Normal conversion for work colleagues that haven't seen each other for a while I guess. However it felt like there was chemistry and a bit of an interesting interaction for someone that I've really only spoken to a few times. It felt like there was a bit of an excited energy.

I won't overplay it and it's probably nothing, but it was quite a nice feeling and her face and eyes did seem to show a bit of interest. There was holding of eye contact for a start, and making herself a couple of minutes more late for her meeting just to chat with me instead of just saying hi as she walked past. Although she was holding a laptop, she still managed some touching of her hair while holding the laptop in one hand.

It's more than likeky nothing, but was just a nice unexpected exchange that made me think to myself "Hmmmm . . . well that was interesting".

[newaussiecuck]

No L tonight either unfortunately. I got there as early as I could but with traffic it was pretty late. Asking around about who was there earlier I don't think she came.

I can't say I'm really surprised the more I think about it the more I realise she did kinda seem pissed at me but I can't figure out why.

It was either:
1. I STILL didn't ask her out yet.
2.I was still wearing my wedding ring after telling her I had appointment with divorce lawyer.
3. Because I overshared last time.
4. Because I was too eager and moving too fast for her or misread her intentions when she has a partner already (opposite of 1).
5. Because I asked her about her leaving and asked for her number when she just wanted to get away in a hurry.

So really don't know why but if I had my time again I would have asked her out sooner, shared less about what happened and just let her leave without asking for her number when she said she had to go.

I guess it's for the best she takes a break from me while I deal with what I need to deal with. Whoever said that I can't date until I sort things out with my wife was correct I think. Prior to her ending her online relationship I think it was possible, but not now after she's turned over the apple cart.

[newaussiecuck]

Lastly, I had the first appointment with the Psychologist today. I only got to tell him half of the story so far, but have another appointment day after tomorrow.

It's fair to say that he seemed pretty horrified by what he's heard so far. When I mentioned the part about giving my wife the update about dad's condition while he was in hospital, and then her eyes glazed over and she smiled and started typing. He said ok, so her EQ (Emotional Quotient, or Emotional Intelligence) score is negative! Wow!

We ran out of time after that bit, so next up on Friday is the part where she didn't come to his funeral.

Oh and he called bullshit on her not remembering the part about her saying "I'm done" about 4 years ago, and then me talking her out of splitting up and then us having sex and her crying afterwards and saying "I'm just embarassed" when I asked why she was crying. He said that if that was him he sure as hell would have remembered something like that. I agreed and said that I certainly remembered it very well. I told him that I didn't believe her when she said she didn't remember it.

[newaussiecuck]

No L tonight either unfortunately. I got there as early as I could but with traffic it was pretty late. Asking around about who was there earlier I don't think she came.

I can't say I'm really surprised the more I think about it the more I realise she did kinda seem pissed at me but I can't figure out why.

It was either:
1. I STILL didn't ask her out yet.
2.I was still wearing my wedding ring after telling her I had appointment with divorce lawyer.
3. Because I overshared last time.
4. Because I was too eager and moving too fast for her or misread her intentions when she has a partner already (opposite of 1).
5. Because I asked her about her leaving and asked for her number when she just wanted to get away in a hurry.

So really don't know why but if I had my time again I would have asked her out sooner, shared less about what happened and just let her leave without asking for her number when she said she had to go.

I guess it's for the best she takes a break from me while I deal with what I need to deal with. Whoever said that I can't date until I sort things out with my wife was correct I think. Prior to her ending her online relationship I think it was possible, but not now after she's turned over the apple cart.

Or maybe she's feeling things with me that she hasn't felt with her partner of 4 years and is confused as fuck. My sudden declaration of moving to singledom might make her feel she has to choose between me or her partner much sooner than she thought she might.

It was nice and easy to slowly get to know me while I'm safely married and not going anywhere. I guess any timelines she had are speeding up. Maybe she needs to slow things down a bit.

Or maybe all she wanted all along was a fling and some fun with a married man. A challenge to see whether she could lure me away. I guess with me saying all that's happened and that I'm pretty much done with the marriage changes things a great deal.

I did say that her response to what I shared would be interesting and that she's either a keeper or I dodged a bullet if she runs for the hills over this. Still way too early to tell. I'll give her plenty of time even a couple of months, unless I meet someone else really nice in the meantime (cough cough maybe N cough cough). What else am I going to do anyway.

I just finished a good workout before writing this and feeling strong and clear headed. You might be able tell from the tone of my writing in this post.

[newaussiecuck]

Hang in there, and keep playing the long game!

Thank you, yes I will play the long game whether it's just for platonic or more. Kind of what I did with PG, I just backed right off and gave her all the space she needed and now we're at least "friebds" enough to say hey and chat a little here and there. I'm always careful not to overstep and I end the conversation first rather than try and hang on for more.

I really do hope that I see L tonight . . . . . however . . . . . . .

If L doesn't watch out she may now have a little competition!!!! I'm still at work but I just had a very interesting encounter with a younger lady in the marketing department. I'll name her N. We work on different floors and our paths very rarely cross. I've spoken to her maybe 4 times total since starting about 7 or 8 months ago.

First time I was in the kitchen a week or two after first starting and was chatting to a co-worker of hers who started same week I did. She came up with two other coworkers and started speaking to me and introduced herself (she was the only one who introduced herself). I noticed her immediately and made note to remember her name.

Over the ensuing months nothing happened just random sightings and one or two shared group meetings etc. I always found myself checking her out as it's sometimes nice to have someone nice to look at in a boring meeting.

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting down at the lunch table at the same time as N and her co-workers sat down around me also. It's fair to say there was quite a bit of flirting going on during that lunch. At least from my side and maybe a little from her too. Maybe, but it did feel like there was some chemistry there.

So I just randomly bumped into her while she was running late for a meeting on my floor. She stopped and chatted with me and there was quite a bit of "hi. it's really nice too see you. I haven't seen you in a while" kind of stuff. After I mentioned not seeing her around for a while she mentioned she's been on leave for a couple of weeks. So we spoke all about what she was doing whole on leave etc. She was asking about how I've been and has work been too crazy for me etc. I just said I don't get too stressed about work, I just do what I can do and not worry about anything else. After chatting for a while she ended up saying that she's late for a meeting but she said how it was really good to see me and she'll see me around. I said likewise.

Normal conversion for work colleagues that haven't seen each other for a while I guess. However it felt like there was chemistry and a bit of an interesting interaction for someone that I've really only spoken to a few times. It felt like there was a bit of an excited energy.

I won't overplay it and it's probably nothing, but it was quite a nice feeling and her face and eyes did seem to show a bit of interest. There was holding of eye contact for a start, and making herself a couple of minutes more late for her meeting just to chat with me instead of just saying hi as she walked past. Although she was holding a laptop, she still managed some touching of her hair while holding the laptop in one hand.

It's more than likeky nothing, but was just a nice unexpected exchange that made me think to myself "Hmmmm . . . well that was interesting".

Just to add that N is seriously, stunningly gorgeous (at least to me) and yes Asian but I'm not sure from which country her family were from.

Again, I would strongly guess that she was born here. Oh and did I say that she's seriously attractive?

Just a thought, a workplace romance would be SO much easier. I have had one before I met wife, and it was pretty good. I don't work in any high position that would make it inappropriate in any way, and we're from completely separate departments working in completely different fields so again no issues there. It's interesting that I'm in a very heavily male dominated industry, and she’s in a very heavily female dominant industry. I think there's only two men in her entire department and I'm pretty sure that they both like men if you know what I mean. So it could actually work out pretty nicely. I did also notice that there is no ring on her finger. I'll confess to kind of hiding my ring finger while chatting today.

Not that anything is likely to happen of course, but I guess a little harmless flirting every now and then can be fun. It's also another nice diversion to think about while waiting for L to show up again.

[Long Lurker 34]

Lastly, I had the first appointment with the Psychologist today. I only got to tell him half of the story so far, but have another appointment day after tomorrow.

It's fair to say that he seemed pretty horrified by what he's heard so far. When I mentioned the part about giving my wife the update about dad's condition while he was in hospital, and then her eyes glazed over and she smiled and started typing. He said ok, so her EQ (Emotional Quotient, or Emotional Intelligence) score is negative! Wow!

We ran out of time after that bit, so next up on Friday is the part where she didn't come to his funeral.

Oh and he called bullshit on her not remembering the part about her saying "I'm done" about 4 years ago, and then me talking her out of splitting up and then us having sex and her crying afterwards and saying "I'm just embarassed" when I asked why she was crying. He said that if that was him he sure as hell would have remembered something like that. I agreed and said that I certainly remembered it very well. I told him that I didn't believe her when she said she didn't remember it.

NAC - Excellent, very glad to learn you have started getting some professional help and i would suggest meeting with a divorce lawyer too. Get some paper work in place so if you need to trigger the process on a short notice all it needs is a quick call.

And remember, no matter what is going on with your wife, L, or this work colleague or what's going on in your head, remember to breath.

[newaussiecuck]

I just responded to a PM but might just share most of what I wrote, kind of sums up where I'm at.



If wife was mentally fine and didn't have this suspected personality disorder then I envisage a chance to get where it could be liveable to stay in the marriage. I can and have put up with a lot already and could possibly put it all behind me somehow someday but not right now. However too much has happened that I don't understand how a functioning human could possibly do, let alone my wife who supposedly loves me. I have serious questions/doubts about her now to the point where I'm kind of living in fear.

Yes caution is needed in regards to L or anyone else right now. When I met L though, and for the first almost 2 months I was 100% moving on from the marriage and was happy for wife to just keep doing her thing while I find someone else. I'd had almost 3 years to process everything that had happened during that time and then a good 6 or 7 months after my dad's funeral to grieve and get my head around moving on.

At that point I didn't view L as someone that I needed to cling onto, I just wanted to slowly get to know her with a view for the long term.

Unfortunately once "wife" got wind that there may have been someone else that had my interest, she's completely upturned the apple cart and thrown everything into complete dissaray again. She tried every tactic that she had in her bag of tricks to try and get my focus back on her. Everything failed so she then went for the nuclear option of emotional blackmail by threatening suicide.

Unfortunately I currently feel imprisoned and like I'm forced to play a role in her script. I just can't do that long term anymore (I'm waking up to finding out that I pretty much did that for 20 years). However, in the short term I'm biding my time while I find out exactly what I'm dealing with in regards to her now seemingly obvious personality defects.

While I'm playing along to some extent I've also set boundaries for myself that I won't cross. I foresee a time when she'll try and force me to cross them, and then things will probably explode. For now though things have gone calm.

My boundaries are no sex. I kiss and hug a little when required but no passionate kissing either. No going to the park with me (regardless of L I need my own friends), no just doing what she wants just because she wants it. Basically I just try to keep to myself as much as I can.