Not a Cuckold, but Thought I'd Share My Situation

[Rogueuser1]

Update.

We had a good talk this morning. We agreed she’s not going to reach out to him—if he reaches out to her, we will discuss and assess.

Ultimately, and unlike many incidents in the past, I don’t interpret her lies last night as malicious. She was embarrassed and didn’t want me to see her as she was in that moment. I can understand that and I don’t want to feign outrage that I don’t feel.

I think you have the right of it here. She is hurting from his rejection and she is going to lash out not even meaning to. You know she has difficulty with these emotions - just love her, it is likely going to be a tough few days/weeks.

He really is an ass - hopefully she finds a better bf.

[drstrangelove]

When he reach out to her tell her she shouldnt answer immediately. I think he thinks he can have her whenever he wants

100%.

We discussed that if he texts, she won’t respond and we will discuss next steps together.

Ultimately, he’s not a good long term answer for this dynamic for a variety of reasons. My wife saw him as a safe option because he was good in bed—she hated the idea of finding a new guy and having a disappointing experience—but he’s really anything but safe because of how bad she feels about herself because of how he behaves.

The best case scenario is finding a new guy and that won’t happen until she moves on from F. I suspect eventually she would miss the dopamine hit of this dynamic and be open to someone else; but right now she’s still emotionally tied up with him as her only option.

[drstrangelove]

My wife woke up this morning to a text from F from last night: “Friday morning?”

She shared it with me and I asked her how she felt about it. She said she had no thoughts. I interpreted that as her wanting to go see him, but embarrassed to lead with that until she got a read on my thoughts.

So I paused and thought it through and took a shower.

I then asked her if it was fair for me to assume she had changed her mind from not wanting to see him again—she replied: “yes.”

I told her the last month has shown how fragile she is in this dynamic and how if she says yes and he cancels on Thursday, we can’t have another spiral where she’s angry with me and lying, etc.

She understands that, but it’s clear she doesn’t have control over it in the moment.

I then said that if seeing him is back on the table, she needs to gain back some level of control. I suggested she wait a day or two before responding and then to tell him Friday morning doesn’t work for you. And to leave it at that until he follows up again.

I could tell she didn’t like that suggestion, so I asked for her thoughts and she said: “your approach just seems a little mean.”

I was shocked. I told her that this guy has cancelled on her and ghosted her multiple times over the last month and she thinks it’s mean not to run to him as soon as he asks?

Without trying to be mean, I noted that perhaps this is part of her kink—she wants to feel used like his cheap side slut whenever he wants (I said it nicely, not trying to kink shame her). She didn’t really respond, but I got the indication that it did turn her on to be used at his convenience.

We left it that she needs to think about it, but won’t do anything without discussing it with me. I suspect she’ll go along with my suggestion due to her pride, but I can tell she just wanted to tell him “Friday works!”

From my perspective, while I do enjoy this dynamic, she needs to not always be available for this to last long term. He has to feel at least a little destabilized. Even if she sees him on Saturday instead lol…she just has to decline his opening suggestion to regain some control here.

[Bomerang43]

If she says yes this time. He will 100% she is easy woman. And whenever he wants he will cancel or he will invite her or he will ghost her and it will affect on her badly and on your relationship. So this time she should say no.

[drstrangelove]

If she says yes this time. He will 100% she is easy woman. And whenever he wants he will cancel or he will invite her or he will ghost her and it will affect on her badly and on your relationship. So this time she should say no.

I agree with you and gave her that advice. She wants to keep things light and cute while declining though. She doesn’t want to come off angry or mean because to her this is meant to be fun. She also understands my point that she needs to acknowledge his disrespectful behavior to mitigate it repeating.

Here’s where we landed. Later tonight she’s going to send this text:

“Hey [wife’s name], how are you? You’re good? I know I keep blowing you off, but it’s been a while and I really want to see you. Are you around on Friday morning?

How a conversation should go ”

We both expect that he will respond by laughing and feigning an apology.

Then she will respond with something like this:

“You’ve been MIA this last month, so you have a lot to make up for. Unfortunately, I can’t do Friday morning…what else you got? ”

And from there they can potentially lock down another date. I think it’s ok. She’s waiting to respond so he can stew on being unanswered for a day or so. Then she calls out his disrespectful treatment in a playful way. Then she declines Friday morning (on principle, but he doesn’t know that) while being open to seeing him again still.

As for him blowing her off again, it’s likely, but she really doesn’t want to let go of this dynamic with him. My best read on it is she loves having this sexual outlet from her marriage, but is terrified of trying to recreate it with someone other than F.

She thinks meeting B will trigger her and she doesn’t want to feel like she has to go out and seek a new lover. For this to work, we’ll need a little bit of situational luck to find a new guy. I’m going to try to leverage my birthday in a few weeks to gently push her, but I also don’t want her to feel like I’m asking her to pimp herself out.

One thing I’ve asked for that she will do is a cream pie though. She’s going to start BC as soon as she gets her period (should be in a week or so) and then she will have a greenlight for when she sees him after. I’m really looking forward to eating her out after he cums inside her—a big bucket list item that hopefully she can arrange for first time in days leading up to my bday lol.

[mf2hd82]

You're going to try and leverage your birthday to get her to fuck someone else?! You are a real piece of work.

I've been rooting for you all along, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you get a little more annoying with every post you make. You need to chill and let her do this the way she wants to do it and stop trying to top from the bottom.

[drstrangelove]

You're going to try and leverage your birthday to get her to fuck someone else?! You are a real piece of work.

I've been rooting for you all along, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you get a little more annoying with every post you make. You need to chill and let her do this the way she wants to do it and stop trying to top from the bottom.

No lol, I’m not going to get her to fuck someone else for my bday. The idea was to suggest she go out of her comfort zone a bit. Go to a bar, flirt with someone, whatever. It’s something she loves doing, but feels self conscious about it. But I’m not going to push anything—I suspect the cream pie idea will line up and that will be awesome. And she’s fully in support of that.

[Coolcalm]

Hey Doc., she is in love with him. I know you are “Convinced “ she’s not based on her mannerisms and what she tells you…but she lies to you every half hour. She is waiting for any indication from him that he wants her like that. You constantly keep trying to excuse away her lies and her absolute disrespect for you by rationalizing her behavior. You know it. It appears obvious and that’s why you constantly are attempting to show she really doesn’t want him.
I’m sorry if it sounds harsh and you and I have talked privately too but my god, she doesn’t want you and she is dying for him.
If he gave her an INKLING that he wanted her you better believe that she would surely work to destroy your marriage to make it easier for her to leave you for him him; better yet make it so miserable for you that YOU LEAVE HER and then she’s not the destroyer of the marriage.
Sorry man but that’s how I’ve seen it for the longest time.

[jratt85]

It's funny that your wife, that's so against feeling like a slut or being called a slut, is actually getting off on that aspect of it. Kind of makes me wish I could bring my Dom side out on her, not that that'd ever happen.. but I'd definitely have fun getting her to do things she wouldn't typically do and be slutty.. sort of like Christian in 50 Shades.. when he decided to slow down that is.
I think that's what she needs, someone strong to take control of this whole thing for her and give her the permission to be dirty. Take her out of the mindset of needing to hide it and tell her it's okay for her to walk around without a bra and/or panties. To wear revealing outfits, to walk around with ben wah balls in her, or a jeweled plug in her ass. And eventually move on to her wearing a harness and nothing else under a thin dress while she goes to a bar and plays pool and the dress rides up while she bends over the table.. Things like that. Or hell, even just going to the grocery store with no bra on and her pokies sticking out under her thin shirt.

[drstrangelove]

Hey Doc., she is in love with him. I know you are “Convinced “ she’s not based on her mannerisms and what she tells you…but she lies to you every half hour. She is waiting for any indication from him that he wants her like that. You constantly keep trying to excuse away her lies and her absolute disrespect for you by rationalizing her behavior. You know it. It appears obvious and that’s why you constantly are attempting to show she really doesn’t want him.
I’m sorry if it sounds harsh and you and I have talked privately too but my god, she doesn’t want you and she is dying for him.
If he gave her an INKLING that he wanted her you better believe that she would surely work to destroy your marriage to make it easier for her to leave you for him him; better yet make it so miserable for you that YOU LEAVE HER and then she’s not the destroyer of the marriage.
Sorry man but that’s how I’ve seen it for the longest time.

I hear you. I do think she has strong desires for him—I’d diagnose it as a compulsion, not love. She craves the feeling she gets being validated by him and is terrified of losing it.

Could that ever lead to her wanting to leave me for him? I suppose so! I’m aware of that.

Ultimately though, I don’t see your point. You’re insistent on the “love” narrative and that’s fine—it’s likely just a distinction in how we define the term—but neither of them display any interest in the other for more than sex. My wife doesn’t want to spend the night or see him outside of a room with a bed in it; he sure seems to feel the same way. So it is what it is—I don’t think they could have less of an emotional attachment.

[drstrangelove]

It occurs to me I never updated what happened with the conversation. Sometimes responses here put me in a negative headspace. That’s not to say I don’t appreciate all the responses though.

Anyway, they texted on Tuesday and he apologized for often being so short—he said it was out of fear of “not knowing who else might be around.” He’s clearly still concerned about her getting caught again.

She declined meeting on Friday and made a work-related excuse. It was better because I have a major work day with my CEO and other leadership that morning and wouldn’t be home to listen in or be there when she got back.

They then discussed other options and he’s not sure when he’ll be free again—earliest will be Wed or Thurs next week and it seemed unlikely it’ll work for both of them. She will also be getting her period next week anyway.

This morning I asked her if she was disappointed she won’t be seeing him this week and if she wanted to—she spent a few minutes talking about me being distracted on my day at work, etc. She was avoiding my question, so I knew the answer.

I pressed and she finally said: “Yea, I’d like to see him.”

So I gave her a greenlight and she agreed to record it on her phone since I wouldn’t be able to listen in. So she’ll reach out today and see if he’s still free—plan will be both of us leaving house around 8:30 a.m.—she’ll be gone her usual 60-90 minutes and I won’t be back until the afternoon some time.

Ultimately, she needs this to destress and it’d be selfish of me to say no because of my work schedule. As for her availability to him and how he thinks of her, that was already out the window when she was texting him begging to swallow his cum again soon, so it’s not like meeting him Friday will have any affect on his complete control over things.

[drstrangelove]

Update:

She was happy about the green light and in a great mood this morning. I saw her get out of the shower and she looked really good. I watched her get dressed and it made me rock hard right away and she noticed.

She left to go to work (I’m working from home today) and she texted me—we had this exchange:

Wife: Loved you stroking your dick this morning
Wife: Like you just wanted to take me right there and fuck me

Me: It’s all I wanted babe. You looked so fucking good.

Wife: Me slowly licking your hard cock

Me: You’re so good at it. That moment when you take me in your mouth is heaven
Me: You are an elite level cock sucker babe—you have no idea

Wife: I love that. Elite cock sucker
Wife: And when you start to precum

Me: I came hard last night listening to your recording and I woke up hard as a rock again

Wife: How far did you get into the recording?!
Wife: I know you haven’t made it to the end yet

Me: There’s a an opening minute that is hot and then I think it’s when he turns you over doggy and goes hard, so you can hear slapping. I can never last more than 10 seconds at that point

Wife: Do you think he’ll do that again tomorrow

Me: I think he’ll do exactly what he said he’ll do. Eat you out until you cum, fuck you hard, then pull out and shove his cock in your mouth so you can swallow his load.

Wife: Yes, I think that is exactly what he’ll do
Wife: Do you like knowing he’ll do that to your wife?

Me: I love it. I just want to jerk off to it.

Wife: Well you’ll have a new recording
Wife: Let’s see how long you last during this one

Me: Put on a show. Beg him to fuck you harder. Tell him to shoot his load down your throat. Be his perfect cheating wife—fulfil all his sexual needs

Wife: Omg! I will put on a show for you
Wife: I’ll definitely beg him to fuck me harder

Me: You’re amazing

Wife: All for us

Me: I want to hear you in all the ways I never get to babe—show me exactly what it sounds like for you to get fucked into bliss

Wife: I will definitely be vocal
Wife: Asking him to make me cum
Wife: Begging him to make me cum

Me: Have you decided if you’re going to let him cum in you next month? Or is it to personal for you?

Wife: I will definitely let him cum in me next month

Me: Definitely? Like you have no concerns?
Me: You really want him to don’t you?
Me: Will you beg him to cum inside you while I listen from home with my dick in my hand?

Wife: I have no concerns
Wife: I will beg him to cum inside me
Wife: Maybe next time I won’t even put in the cage when o go over there
Wife: And you listen

Me: Would that be ok if I jerk off while you’re there instead of us reconnecting?

Wife: Yes you can totally jerk off listening to me getting fucked
Wife: What is it that makes you cum so quickly listening to the recording
Wife: Is it the the fact that I’m letting lose
Wife: And just being completely free with him in bed
Wife: Moaning hard

Me: Listening to you moan, hearing the slapping sound as he slams into your ass and pussy hard and fast. Him knowing that you’re married and not caring; just taking total control over your soaking pussy and you letting it happen

Wife: He does completely take control
Wife: And I love being submissive when he does
Wife: Conquering my pussy
Wife: Slamming his dick harder and harder into me

Me: Fuck I’m so close

Wife: You should cum all over yourself and taste it and let me know how sweet it is

Me: Mmm make me do a taste test after he starts cuming inside you. Feed me your pussy and then feed me my own cum
Me: Once you give him green light, he will never pull out. He’s just going to flood you with him cum multiple times when you see him

Wife: I’ll definitely feed you my pussy after he cums in me
Wife: Maybe he’ll cum multiple times in one session in me

[scarfolamew]

Sounds like she managed to thread the needle of re-establishing a measure of dignity in her back-and-forth with F, without having to give up the rare chance to actually meet up with him tomorrow.

Hope it doesn't fall through and you (and maybe we!) get another scaldingly-hot recording to make your dreams come true and justify all the angst and emotional turmoil. Hang in there bud. The above text exchange is really fuckin hot

[drstrangelove]

Sounds like she managed to thread the needle of re-establishing a measure of dignity in her back-and-forth with F, without having to give up the rare chance to actually meet up with him tomorrow.

Hope it doesn't fall through and you (and maybe we!) get another scaldingly-hot recording to make your dreams come true and justify all the angst and emotional turmoil. Hang in there bud. The above text exchange is really fuckin hot

She thinks she saved face; I don’t. She gently pushed back, but in a teasing way. He still has her wrapped around his finger, which is a concern as it’s inevitable that she is hurt again. I’m not sure I can do much about it though—she needs to take this journey and I will support it.

I do think she is drawing a connection between keeping things light and fun with me and that translating into less turmoil and more freedom with him. I think it turns her on that I like jerking off to the recording and she seems excited to not only make more for me, but to lean into them knowing she has a captive audience lol.

Still, F is the wildcard I can’t control—he could bail tomorrow; he could bail forever. And if/when he does, it’s going to spiral my wife. Like you said though, let’s just enjoy the ride and collect as many recordings as we can before then.

[residueS]

She is chasing that submissive high ... which can be very powerful feeling. The rejections may just fuel it further.

[Bomerang43]

Putting bad thoughts aside, it is so hot she denies you but she is begging him and feeling submissive towards him

[drstrangelove]

Update:

At 11 a.m. yesterday she sent him a flirty text about now being available to meet on Friday morning. He ghosted her all day.

At 8:30 p.m. he replied telling her he wasn’t available anymore on Friday morning.

My wife and I talked and she was hurt and frustrated again. I told her what I thought—essentially that he’s a child playing games and he’s trying to keep her on the end of a string. And that as long as he’s capable of making her feel bad about herself so easily, this may not be a healthy dynamic for her. And I told her regardless of what she wants to do, replying with a text of any kind in that moment was a bad idea.

She agreed with all that, but said, and I’m paraphrasing: “The only reason I tolerate his bad behavior is because the sex is so good—and I haven’t had good sex in a long time now and I’m frustrated (that hurt lol).

“I want him to know he’s a jerk—I could tell him he’s an asshole right now and it’s not like he won’t reach out to me in a week again for sex, so it’s not like I’m worried that lashing out at him is going to lose him as an option (also prophetic for perhaps why she feels she can lash out to me without consequence).

“And I know I could find other guys to sleep with, but it would take time to find someone else as good in bed and I’ll feel horrible about myself just sleeping around.

“So I’d like to respond to him and call him out on his bull shit—it’ll make me feel better and it won’t change my option of still seeing him if I want down the line.”

So she texted him asking him what’s going on and how she doesn’t appreciate him ghosting her all the time. She thought he’d respond right away; I was certain he wouldn’t. He hasn’t responded yet.

So that’s where we are—no recording coming today, guys.

Edit: He responded and it was defensive and gaslighting, saying she said she was unavailable so his plans changed and it’s not his fault her schedule then changed afterward.

[thinman]

It seems to me that your wife has little respect for herself and even less for you. In my view, she has typecast you as an “unsatisfying” lover, and you will have a very difficult time breaking out of that role. Perhaps she has done so simply because you are in fact her husband and therefore boring. Perhaps it is because you are not as dominating as F? It certainly isn’t a size issue, as you have described. Likewise, I think she has almost fetishized F to the point of refusing to consider looking for alternatives.

Do you think, when she lets fly with one of her cruel comments to you, that she even knows what she is saying and how hurtful it is? Have you tried confronting her every time she does that?

Like others, I am worried that this is a very unstable situation. I actually think you need to work simultaneously on both fronts - the first being recasting your sexual relationship with her into something more positive and the second convincing her that she could find someone other than F. As I recall, the sex between the two of you was much better after the affair was discovered, when you were her only partner and you were both working on rebuilding. Is this true? Then later, after she reconnected with F, and it all started to go downhill for you. What is the difference between then and now in the sex between you two? This leads me to believe that this is a choice on her part (perhaps unconsciously) to not think of you as a satisfying sexual partner after F returned to the picture.

Just rambling here - sorry, too long.

Are the two of you in ongoing therapy?

[Rogueuser1]

So as much as I don't like him and think he is being a jerk overall to her... he is kind of right that she said no so he is allowed to make other plans without it being a "ghost". Sorry it didn't work out though.

[drstrangelove]

It seems to me that your wife has little respect for herself and even less for you. In my view, she has typecast you as an “unsatisfying” lover, and you will have a very difficult time breaking out of that role. Perhaps she has done so simply because you are in fact her husband and therefore boring. Perhaps it is because you are not as dominating as F? It certainly isn’t a size issue, as you have described. Likewise, I think she has almost fetishized F to the point of refusing to consider looking for alternatives.

Do you think, when she lets fly with one of her cruel comments to you, that she even knows what she is saying and how hurtful it is? Have you tried confronting her every time she does that?

Like others, I am worried that this is a very unstable situation. I actually think you need to work simultaneously on both fronts - the first being recasting your sexual relationship with her into something more positive and the second convincing her that she could find someone other than F. As I recall, the sex between the two of you was much better after the affair was discovered, when you were her only partner and you were both working on rebuilding. Is this true? Then later, after she reconnected with F, and it all started to go downhill for you. What is the difference between then and now in the sex between you two? This leads me to believe that this is a choice on her part (perhaps unconsciously) to not think of you as a satisfying sexual partner after F returned to the picture.

Just rambling here - sorry, too long.

Are the two of you in ongoing therapy?

The idea that I’m a bad lover is likely a misnomer, honestly. I think it is entirely based around me being her husband—sex with me carries with it baggage and stress from our lives. In addition, she is very sensitive to how I may perceive her—so the things she does with F—like handcuffs, anal, or other dominating things—she quite literally doesn’t want those things with me even though she enjoys them. It’s an extreme Madonna complex issue.

So for her, sex is great with F not because he’s more capable than me (at least that’s my view), but because she allows herself to be entirely free and stress-free with him.

And I have seen that side of her—constantly post-affair and on occasion every once in awhile. She becomes insatiable and lost in lust. But that’s not typically how she is. When she goes to F, she locks in that mindset before she goes and loves it every time.

FWIW, we had fun this morning. I gave her head and she came in my mouth. Then I used my fingers to make her have a huge second orgasm while she used her hand on me. She then finished me with an awesome BJ. So things are positive between us now and she doesn’t seem to be too hurt by F—she just feels like she’s dealing with a child and is frustrated it’s more difficult than it should be.

[drstrangelove]

So as much as I don't like him and think he is being a jerk overall to her... he is kind of right that she said no so he is allowed to make other plans without it being a "ghost". Sorry it didn't work out though.

I think the point about him “ghosting” her was that he waited 10~ hours to respond to the text. He does that often and I think it’s intentional. He wants to keep her guessing and doubting herself. It keeps her on a string waiting for a dopamine hit from him. And it’s very effective.

As for the viability of his excuse, what other plans would one make at 8 a.m. on a Friday morning when you don’t have work and your kids are in school? I’m not saying he’s lying; I’m not saying he’s got another girl; I am saying he’s sketchy though.

And lastly, he could have responded with: “I’m so sorry! I made plans to do XX when you weren’t free. I promise I’ll make it up to you soon. ”

He instead responded defensively. And remember, it’s not just this one instance, he is ghosting her texts for days at a time often and he cancelled their last two meets in the moments leading up to them lol. The guy is super sketchy.

[jratt85]

Why does all of this remind me of Tool's Opiate? "Choices always were a problem for you
What you need is someone strong to guide you
Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow
What you need is someone strong to guide you"

[Rogueuser1]

Fair point on his poor response... but we already all knew (including your wife) that he is an arrogant prick.
Luckily for him he's an arrogant prick who knows how to fuck well so she'll keep putting up with it. If he was even marginally less talented in bed she would have been done with him a while ago I suspect.

[drstrangelove]

Fair point on his poor response... but we already all knew (including your wife) that he is an arrogant prick.
Luckily for him he's an arrogant prick who knows how to fuck well so she'll keep putting up with it. If he was even marginally less talented in bed she would have been done with him a while ago I suspect.

She’s been very clear about that. She just wants to go over there and get fucked good and not deal with any of his drama.

Unsure where it goes from here—she hasn’t replied to his defensive text and her period should come within the week, so I’d assume she’ll just wait to reach out until after her period unless he reaches out again first.

I do think she’ll be open to another guy in the future in the right situation—she just won’t want to feel like she’s desperate looking got a guy, so it’s likely going to take a scenario where she finds the guy attractive and feels his intentions are clear.

Regardless, I don’t sense that she is ready to move on from F yet; they’ll end up just having crazier makeup sex next time.

[jratt85]

I'm curious, in her slut years was she ever a submissive to someone like in a full on D/s relationship? Did she ever hook up with black men? Both would partly explain her actions with him.