Voyapuppyfork wrote: ↑Thu Apr 18, 2024 11:30 pm
Before I continue I want to talk about the feelings of anguish and jealousy that permeate this lifestyle, and recount a fight Jenny and I had. Initially, I hesitated to write down this here. From online posts, every relationship in this lifestyle seems so rosy, hot and steamy. But real life isn't always as smooth; it's windy and bumpy. We tend to share the highs and omit the lows that we aren't so proud of. It is like broswing on Instagram, where everyone appears so happy and blissful, only they know the reality of their lives. I had intended to hide the dark side of things too, but upon reflection, I realized that the conflicts and downsides are also part of this journey and have shaped who we are as a couple today. Thus, I feel compelled to document it here as well. So, I want to backtrack a bit and talk about a fight that almost made us quit.
It happened shortly after she confessed to David. Things were heating up between Jenny and David. In theory, everything was unfolding as I had hoped, and I was living my dream. But as Jenny and David grew visibly closer day by day, my emotions began to fluctuated wildly. When I wasn't in the cuckold mood, my insecurities got the best of me.leading to a mix of jealousy, excitement, fear, and envy. At first, these feelings were intermittent. As a self-destructive cuck, I was quite addicted to the pain and anguish. But they soon became constant, magnified, and impossible to ignore.. Things started to hit me hard. I made the mistake of not talking about it with Jenny and tried to man up because I knew how fragile and delicate she is and I didn't want to cause trouble since we were generally making great progress in this lifestyle. I have to admit that Jenny, being in a hot new relationship, also overlooked my feelings.
One day thing took a turn for the worse. Jenny had been giving David her undivided attention, even when they weren’t together. Feeling somewhat neglected and longing for some quality time with my dear wife, I suggested a date night. I planned a nice dinner and arranged for us to watch Openhammer, a movie I had been eager to see for a while. The dinner went well; we enjoyed each other's company, chatting about everything under the sun. We were both grateful and happy to be together. However, at the theater, the movie failed to capture Jenny's interest, and she began messaging David out of habit, not realizing that I had been harboring mixed feelings.
Their texting continued on and off for more than half an hour causing her to miss all the plot points in the movie. As time passed, it began to bother me more and more. I know Jenny had a date set up with David in 3 days. It was obvious she couldn't wait to see him. I made a few comments, but she was too occupied with her phone to notice or care. Eventually, jealousy and insecurity got the best of me. I was furious and blew up. She finally put the phone away and looked at me, clueless, but by then, I had already lost my attention and mood for the movie. We left the theater early, both of us silent and tense.
Jenny, as sweet and docile as she usually is, can also be quite stubborn. She rarely apologizes verbally, even when she's at fault. However, I could tell from her eyes that she realized she might have gone too far during our date. I started to soften up when we got home, sensing her silent regret.
Lying in bed with Jenny sleeping soundly beside me, I couldn't sleep. A sudden urge overcame me to read Jenny and David's text exchanges. Jenny and I have always maintained a policy of transparency with each other; we know each other’s passcodes and are allowed to view any messages we receive. However, I had never read her messages without her explicitly sharing them with me before. Doing so felt like a betrayal of our mutual trust, even though it was technically allowed. Reading their messages made my heart sink. Jenny and David’s conversation was very intimate and flirty—far more than I had ever seen before. Normally, this would be a huge turn-on, but given my mental state, it just confirmed my insecurities. Was I messing things up big this time? Was I losing her?
The texts revealed more about their relationship than Jenny had told me. There were details about things she did with him and things she allowed him to do to her that I hadn't known. She had been sending David pictures daily, sharing all her activities at work and for fun. Apparently, she had also gave him a rim job while serving him orally, engaging in more intimate acts than I was aware of. It might sounds petty now, considering that physically, I am giving her to him completely, so why should I fuss about the details? But in that moment, I was upset about being kept in the dark.
I hardly slept that night and woke up feeling grumpy. Jenny, oblivious to the turmoil inside me, woke up clueless, but she could sense that I was still unhappy, probably assuming it was because of the previous evening's incident at the theater. I had secretly hoped she might offer to cancel her upcoming date with David as a gesture of consideration, after what happened last night, but she didn’t mention anything of the sort. Instead, she informed me that she would be home late due to her pedicure and waxing appointment before leaving for work.
My mind was consumed by a tunnel vision of anguish and jealousy. This entire situation dredged up a painfully familiar feeling from college, where I had managed to bring my crush to a date, only to end up losing her to another guy at a house party. I vividly remembered sitting on the couch, watching them grind on the dance floor, their legs intertwined, making out right in front of me. The memory was agonizing, the feeling was just like yesterday. I was terrified of losing Jenny in a similar manner.
When Jenny returned home that evening, she tried to act as if nothing had happened, but my demeanor made her cautious. Unable to contain my feelings any longer, I bluntly told her that I didn't want her to see David that week, or ever again. She was visibly shocked and a bit saddened maybe by my sudden declaration and asked why I had changed my mind so abruptly. I confessed that I had read the messages between her and David, and felt betrayed that she had been hiding things from me. Upon hearing this, Jenny's tone sharpened as she argued that I shouldn't have read her messages without asking her first. I countered that we had an agreement to openly read each other’s messages. The conversation quickly escalated into an argument, during which she accused me of playing games with her, reminding me that this was all my idea in the first place. Eventually, she stormed out of the house in tears, leaving the tension unresolved.
I waited at home anxiously, hoping for Jenny's return. As time dragged on, my mind raced with thoughts. Was she with David now? Had I pushed her further away? What were they doing? Eventually, I managed to calm myself down and decided to call her, begging her to come back. An hour later, she returned, still upset and teary-eyed. As I began apologizing, she asked me to sit down for a conversation. She spoke to me softly and slowly, her tears continuing to fall. She acknowledged and apologized that she had overlooked my feelings, but emphasized that I should not check her phone without permission. I bought up the rim job she gave to David without telling me. She responded by asserting that I’m not her boss she did not feel like to report every single details all the time. It is not sexy to her. She said she has nothing to hide, but she preferred to share things with me when she felt appropriate. “If you want to do this, I would have to do it my way,” she said. When I questioned why she had never engaged in similar acts with me. Her response was that it was a spontaneous decision driven by the heat of the moment, she did not know why, maybe I had never brought her to that level. "It's not something you can script," she added.
Feeling a bit frustrated, I yelled “What about our rules!” “You are a control freak, you’ve always been one in our whole life, but you do not get to control every details, not in this scenario,” she countered. I told her I was scared that I’m gonna lose her. She pointed out that it is a risk we take regardless of the lifestyle or not, which made my heart skip a beat. Was she saying there is a possibility that has always been there?
She reminded that it was my encouragement that pushed her to start this lifestyle and led her to pursue David. "You got me into it; you can't just give it to me and take it away," she stated. She accused me of toying with her feelings, emphasizing that our arrangement wasn't merely my fetish game. She made it clear that she loves me, and I’m her best friend, if I genuinely wanted to end things, she would respect my decision. She would call David the first thing tomorrow and not see him ever again. We would go back to our past life. But do not expect her to entertain me with this idea ever again. I was in shock to see Jenny came out this strong and firm.
Then she had a long pause, seeming to struggle to find the right words. Eventually, she said the following words and left me in the living room: “Without a better way to put it, but…you know our needs are incompatible. Asking yourself are you okay to go back to how we were? This has been your longtime desire, I love you, I’ve accepted who you are, but you are the one who have not truly accepted yourself. Think carefully and let me know what you really want”.
I sit there speechless, feeling as though my entire life was flashing before my eyes. I reflected on all the mediocre sexual relationships I've had, and how Jenny never questioned our sex life or accepted my brush-offs and excuses. Yes, I'm a control freak, and that trait has contributed to all my successes, but it has also led to my failures—failure to truly enjoy life, to overcome anxiety, and to indulge myself. Ironically, by trying to control everything to prevent her from leaving me, I'm actually pushing her further away. It's as if Jenny sees right through me. Yet she accepts me for who I am. She's hidden her desires and accepted our sexless marriage to be with me, just as she accepts our current lifestyle where I'm her cuckold husband who gets off on her extramarital affairs. She didn't leave me before, and I don't think she'll leave me in the future because she's not just my wife—she's my soulmate. She's actually a strong person, she just allows me to lead the way because she loves and trusts me. Yet, I projected my insecurity onto her. I'm truly self-destructive. After years of begging her, I'm finally living the dream, and now I'm trying to sabotage what we've just established. Can I go back to the way things were? I don't think I can, not just because I'd miss the adrenaline rush, but also because I wouldn't know how to face Jenny and pretend to be the strong, dominant partner again. The pressure to bring her happiness and satisfaction would be overwhelming.
I sit there alone for a long time, until I heard Jenny go to the shower. Feeling truly remorseful, I wanted to apologize to her. Quietly, I stripped off my clothes and joined her in the shower. I tried to hug her, but Jenny dodged me, facing away. Undeterred, I hugged her tightly from behind until she stopped resisting. I kept whispering apologies to her, sorry for putting her through such an emotional roller coaster, while kissing her shoulders under the flowing water until I felt her begin to soften. I told her that I know who I am—I'm her devoted cuck husband—and I want her to tell me what she wants and when she wants it. I slowly slipped down, kneeling in front of her, an proceeded to kiss her belly. She didn't reject me, I moved downward, letting the water drip onto my face. I gently opened her legs, getting lower and deeper, using my tongue to please her while propping my arm from behind. As my tongue moved, her knees weakened, and I could hear her soft moans mingling with the hiss of the shower. Gradually, I laid down, pulling her body with mine until she was sitting on my face. Unsure if it was just water or also mixed with our tears, I continued to show her my remorse and affection in this moment.
We've both learned our lessons. I'll continue to provide updates on our progress whenever I can.