Question about Jealousy

[Anonymousrob]

Hello all. We have been in the lifestyle for about 2 years now, although with a few longer breaks, so really we have only been active about 8 months. We have enjoyed our time, and Rachel has really found her stride. I love to see it and I love to see her embracing her sexuality!

My question is how to deal with jealousy, but not the kind that you would think when considering this lifestyle. I’m not really jealous of the sex, outside of the tension and apprehension that comes when waiting/watching (which is fun and I enjoy it). I’ve recently realized that I’m jealous of the attention.

That sounds weird, but I mean that I miss being desired and feeling sexy because others are attracted to me. It’s been so wonderful watching her feel the NRE and feeling wanted and desired. I just miss that feeling for myself. Does that make sense? Does anyone else have experience with this?

[ugcp]

So you mean you're ENVIOUS of the positive feelings of being desired that she is experiencing? Jealousy means you don't want the person to have the thing you don't have.

I think the feeling is normal and makes perfect sense. You can assuage it slightly by living vicariously through her - embracing the compersion produced from her enjoyment. Otherwise, you can talk to her about these feelings and see if there is an acceptable way you might indulge them. This lifestyle is often asymmetrical, such that husbands don't play with others, but maybe some night you can get cleaned up and go somewhere that might afford you the opportunity to flirt with other women. This could be a 'safe' way to experience some of those feelings of being desired, without making your partner uncomfortable or jealous.

[zorro]

There are plenty of HW hubbies who also have worked out playing with other women. Some wives will never be able to get past their jealousy, but some can. R has usually been good with sharing me some. And over the years we slid back and forth between HW and swinging. Currently, we are just doing MFMs, since at this time there is only one guy she desires, but for now I'm okay with it. Your desires can change over time and with experience literally under your belt.

I agree with ugcp: Your words indicate you want some too. Talk seriously about this with your wife. You may both be able to play.

[FNQLivin]

Time, and therefore attention, are finite, so whilst loving two people is very possible, attention is always going to be reduced.

[Anonymousrob]

So you mean you're ENVIOUS of the positive feelings of being desired that she is experiencing? Jealousy means you don't want the person to have the thing you don't have.

I think the feeling is normal and makes perfect sense. You can assuage it slightly by living vicariously through her - embracing the compersion produced from her enjoyment. Otherwise, you can talk to her about these feelings and see if there is an acceptable way you might indulge them. This lifestyle is often asymmetrical, such that husbands don't play with others, but maybe some night you can get cleaned up and go somewhere that might afford you the opportunity to flirt with other women. This could be a 'safe' way to experience some of those feelings of being desired, without making your partner uncomfortable or jealous.

Thanks! And yes, I think you are correct. Envious is probably a much better word for it than jealous.

[Anonymousrob]

There are plenty of HW hubbies who also have worked out playing with other women. Some wives will never be able to get past their jealousy, but some can. R has usually been good with sharing me some. And over the years we slid back and forth between HW and swinging. Currently, we are just doing MFMs, since at this time there is only one guy she desires, but for now I'm okay with it. Your desires can change over time and with experience literally under your belt.

I agree with ugcp: Your words indicate you want some too. Talk seriously about this with your wife. You may both be able to play.

Thank you so much for your advice. I think you may be right. I’m not sure I would ever want to play with someone but envy is definitely the better choice of word. She mentioned something loosely like this but it worried me because she has never EVER been okay with something like this and I don’t want her to lean toward something like this out of obligation. I feel like that would only end badly.

[Anonymousrob]

Time, and therefore attention, are finite, so whilst loving two people is very possible, attention is always going to be reduced.

What do you mean, exactly?

[Fearlesspain]

Rob ive been following your story and your bride seems open to communication. Maybe express that shes getting the thrill of it all but you dont want to be lost in all the excitement .

[Anonymousrob]

Rob ive been following your story and your bride seems open to communication. Maybe express that shes getting the thrill of it all but you dont want to be lost in all the excitement .

She really is. Thank you for saying that. We have had some conversations about this already and she mentioned that maybe eventually we might try to branch out a little. I just don’t want her to feel obligated. That’s why I posted this here first. I just wanted some advice on how to navigate these unsure waters! You guys are always so great about advice and you all are so much more experienced than us!

[ProfessorH]

I felt this a bit when she was on the sites hunting for potential thirds a bit.

Easily 100 offers, messages, invites…constant attention.

But, then again…it was CONSTANT attention. She’d have to take a deep breath just to log on some days.

So maybe a little bit of vicarious “so who’s of interest today?” was better than to have my proverbial door being knocked down all hours of the day.

And when she plays, MFM is always on the table, which is lots of fun. So there’s that, too.

[Anonymousrob]

I felt this a bit when she was on the sites hunting for potential thirds a bit.

Easily 100 offers, messages, invites…constant attention.

But, then again…it was CONSTANT attention. She’d have to take a deep breath just to log on some days.

So maybe a little bit of vicarious “so who’s of interest today?” was better than to have my proverbial door being knocked down all hours of the day.

And when she plays, MFM is always on the table, which is lots of fun. So there’s that, too.

I have noticed that she gets overloaded on all the attention some times. And yes, we do love a good MFM. We’ve only had one proper (I usually watch), but the one we had is what we both agree is probably the hottest time we’ve ever played!

I think I just need to work through these feelings some. It’s all so new and takes some navigating

[zorro]

MFMs are a great way not to feel excluded or irrelevant. We have been doing only MFMs now for a few years and find the cross energy fascinating.
Be sure to participate so you can feel you are getting something from the encounters too.

[MarknSusan]

I suggest that you read about compersion. It’s something that my wife and I both have for each other and it’s the opposite of jealousy.

Try searching online “greater good Berkeley EDU” topic is “when you feel jealous think about cultivating compersion”

I would like to post the link but I believe the mods don’t allow that.

Hope that helps you better understand your feelings. Wishing you the best in your journey.

[Anonymousrob]

I suggest that you read about compersion. It’s something that my wife and I both have for each other and it’s the opposite of jealousy.

Try searching online “greater good Berkeley EDU” topic is “when you feel jealous think about cultivating compersion”

I would like to post the link but I believe the mods don’t allow that.

Hope that helps you better understand your feelings. Wishing you the best in your journey.

I know all about compersion. I think it’s why I enjoy watching so much! But thanks. I will look into what you mentioned. Any more clarification is good, right?

[ucaneffher]

I personally like the jealousy. I crave it and want to be at a constant state of jealousy when I see her devoting herself to other men and unable to tend to me because of how busy or tied up she is pleasing others.

Sometimes I feel that jealousy is the root of my desire which as of lately has become very much a poly cuck arrangement. An arrangement where my girlfriend or wife gets a long term boyfriend, brings him to live with us and I back off to let him have her and take over my role while I watch it happen every second of everyday. I want to be in a constant state of jealousy and being cucked 24/7, unable to stop it or get away from it unless I leave the house but the minute I come home, I face the reality again that my wife is in bed in THEIR bedroom while I am filled with jealousy in my room alone jerking off to their love making.

There is something powerful about jealousy that has me wanting it and to quite an extreme at that

[Anonymousrob]

I personally like the jealousy. I crave it and want to be at a constant state of jealousy when I see her devoting herself to other men and unable to tend to me because of how busy or tied up she is pleasing others.

Sometimes I feel that jealousy is the root of my desire which as of lately has become very much a poly cuck arrangement. An arrangement where my girlfriend or wife gets a long term boyfriend, brings him to live with us and I back off to let him have her and take over my role while I watch it happen every second of everyday. I want to be in a constant state of jealousy and being cucked 24/7, unable to stop it or get away from it unless I leave the house but the minute I come home, I face the reality again that my wife is in bed in THEIR bedroom while I am filled with jealousy in my room alone jerking off to their love making.

There is something powerful about jealousy that has me wanting it and to quite an extreme at that

I’m glad that this dynamic works for you. I do not think that is for me in any way, but I love to see people enjoying themselves.

[Sexilexi]

When I read your OG post, I thought you maybe were lacking the attention from her.

She receives a lot of attention and GIVES a lot back to these dudes… and so maybe you were feeling like you missed the attention from her.

Does that make sense? I haven’t read up on your thread, so I’m not sure what dynamics you two have lol.

-Lexi

[Anonymousrob]

When I read your OG post, I thought you maybe were lacking the attention from her.

She receives a lot of attention and GIVES a lot back to these dudes… and so maybe you were feeling like you missed the attention from her.

Does that make sense? I haven’t read up on your thread, so I’m not sure what dynamics you two have lol.

-Lexi

She gives me a ton of attention. She’s wonderful in that regard. Like I said, I’m just envious of the attention she is getting is all. I love that she is getting it and the effect it is having on her and on us. I think I just would like some of that attention to make me feel good as well, from an outside source, if nothing else, than just to help me feel better about myself lol

[Restarting]

I get that feeling Rob. Keep appreciating Rachel's success. Yours will come.

[Restarting]

I get that feeling Rob. Keep appreciating Rachel's success. Yours will come.

[ugcp]

Most people enjoy feelings of validation and being desired. There is a sense of power and security in experiencing them. I suppose when one person starts experiencing circumstances that enhance these, it could make their partner feel uneasy that there has been a resultant shift in power-balance in the marriage. Generally, long term (and stable) relationships reach a sort of equilibrium regarding the mutual desirability and respective need of both partners. Hotwifing (etc) can disrupt that equilibrium. Many husbands become "used" to their wives, and the recognition of certain feminine powers fades over time. Sure, we know our wives are hot, and we remember how far guys will go for a chance at a desirable woman, but we don't often connect those threads in our minds. Being active in this lifestyle means being reminded that our wives certainly still wield that power, and it is one that far outstrips that of even highly attractive men.

This change in the balance can leave the husband feeling a little vulnerable. We can't deny the truth, are are forced to face it: my wife can very easily attract plenty of other potential partners. More easily than we can, certainly (or at least, it seems that way given the events occuring in the hotwife marriage).

It kind of then comes down to the security-oriented question: Does she still want and need me as much as I want and need her? Maybe soothing your psyche with regard to this question might help. *HOW* you go about doing this is up to you guys. I mentioned above about exploring opportunities to flirt with others as a way you might seek this out, but depending on your marriage, communication, and emotional dynamic, just having some bonding time with your wife could be what you need to boost your feelings of being desirable, while also restoring a sense of security with regards to the need-balance of the marriage.

[Sexilexi]

When I read your OG post, I thought you maybe were lacking the attention from her.

She receives a lot of attention and GIVES a lot back to these dudes… and so maybe you were feeling like you missed the attention from her.

Does that make sense? I haven’t read up on your thread, so I’m not sure what dynamics you two have lol.

-Lexi

She gives me a ton of attention. She’s wonderful in that regard. Like I said, I’m just envious of the attention she is getting is all. I love that she is getting it and the effect it is having on her and on us. I think I just would like some of that attention to make me feel good as well, from an outside source, if nothing else, than just to help me feel better about myself lol

I’m happy she gives you attention, I think for most of the couples here, that’s an important factor when choosing to open your marriage. Ie: the spouse continues to make the other spouse feel amazing.

You’ve received a lot of amazing advice and I’m sure will continue to receive. It appears your envy is an organic response as well.

Did you attract a lot of attention from women prior to opening your marriage up?

I wonder what would have changed for you to desire that now?

Did your wife receive a lot of attention that you noticed prior to LS?

I’m curious about the past haha. But feel free to share or not share. Regardless, it’s cool you feel comfy enough to open up here and that you’re being self aware about new feelings and what not.

-Lexi

[Anonymousrob]

When I read your OG post, I thought you maybe were lacking the attention from her.

She receives a lot of attention and GIVES a lot back to these dudes… and so maybe you were feeling like you missed the attention from her.

Does that make sense? I haven’t read up on your thread, so I’m not sure what dynamics you two have lol.

-Lexi

She gives me a ton of attention. She’s wonderful in that regard. Like I said, I’m just envious of the attention she is getting is all. I love that she is getting it and the effect it is having on her and on us. I think I just would like some of that attention to make me feel good as well, from an outside source, if nothing else, than just to help me feel better about myself lol

I’m happy she gives you attention, I think for most of the couples here, that’s an important factor when choosing to open your marriage. Ie: the spouse continues to make the other spouse feel amazing.

You’ve received a lot of amazing advice and I’m sure will continue to receive. It appears your envy is an organic response as well.

Did you attract a lot of attention from women prior to opening your marriage up?

I wonder what would have changed for you to desire that now?

Did your wife receive a lot of attention that you noticed prior to LS?

I’m curious about the past haha. But feel free to share or not share. Regardless, it’s cool you feel comfy enough to open up here and that you’re being self aware about new feelings and what not.

-Lexi

She did receive quite a bit. She says I did, but I don’t really recognize or remember that very much. Older women did like me, I guess lol. She was much more experienced before we were married, in terms of sex. She had probably 10 partners before me. I had one before her, at least for sex. I did a lot of things with a lot of women before her, but sex itself was only with one other.

I think you are right about the advice. I have received a ton of advice and a lot of it has been helpful. This isn’t really me pining for something more but rather a place to work through some feelings I’ve had and recognized that I need to talk through so you guys have been amazing for that.

[Lookingforadventure]

I'm catching up on this thread now. Thank you for posting about your feelings. I think we don't get enough of that all the time around here, and it is helpful for everyone to know that sometimes hot wives or their husbands can feel off, or sad, or envious, or whatever and that's ok. So thank you for being vulnerable.

As a wife of a hotwife couple, I can't speak to the exact feelings you are feeling, but I can understand them. Your wife is doing something without you. She's getting lots of attention from other men. You aren't getting the same from other women, and don't necessarily want to, but it also doesn't feel great to be on the lesser side of that unbalance. It makes total sense.

Your feelings don't even need to be something that gets "fixed." Being able to articulate them to Rachel is a great first step. It will remind her to tell you how hot and awesome you are, and then the two of you can talk about what might help. Maybe it is you flirting with women, maybe it is the two of you focusing on each other, maybe it is a pause in hot wife activities, maybe it is nothing and just talking was enough. You'll figure that part out.

In the meantime, know that I'm a hot wife who thinks that men who love their wives enough to encourage them to explore their sexuality in this way are pretty amazing. I think you are sexy because you are confident in your relationship and because you support your wife so fully.

[Anonymousrob]

I'm catching up on this thread now. Thank you for posting about your feelings. I think we don't get enough of that all the time around here, and it is helpful for everyone to know that sometimes hot wives or their husbands can feel off, or sad, or envious, or whatever and that's ok. So thank you for being vulnerable.

As a wife of a hotwife couple, I can't speak to the exact feelings you are feeling, but I can understand them. Your wife is doing something without you. She's getting lots of attention from other men. You aren't getting the same from other women, and don't necessarily want to, but it also doesn't feel great to be on the lesser side of that unbalance. It makes total sense.

Your feelings don't even need to be something that gets "fixed." Being able to articulate them to Rachel is a great first step. It will remind her to tell you how hot and awesome you are, and then the two of you can talk about what might help. Maybe it is you flirting with women, maybe it is the two of you focusing on each other, maybe it is a pause in hot wife activities, maybe it is nothing and just talking was enough. You'll figure that part out.

In the meantime, know that I'm a hot wife who thinks that men who love their wives enough to encourage them to explore their sexuality in this way are pretty amazing. I think you are sexy because you are confident in your relationship and because you support your wife so fully.

I really appreciate this response. Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s always nice to hear from someone much more experienced in the lifestyle than us, especially about things I’m curious or worried about. This site is always so full of fantasy that it’s hard to find the truth and the realistic feelings and emotions that people go through.

I’m working through these feelings and she has been amazing in listening and not judging or getting upset. That’s been wonderful.