Complicated situation

[tom3088]

Hey guys,

i have read some really interesting posts here and i just want to share my situation with you and maybe you got some advices for me.

First of all english is not my mother tongue, so please excuse my mistakes.

My wife and i got to know each others 2 1/2 years ago and we are married since a few months. So compared to most other couples around here we are freshly together. We met each other via bumble. Totally boring story i think.
Maybe i have to give you a "quick" summary of us.

About my wife: She is the cutest woman i ever met. She is small and slim. It's hard to explain but she is a kind of person you would instantly give access to your heart. When it comes to sexuality, it is really hard to understand for me. She grew up with a really religious background. So for example masturbation wasn't a thing for her. That's why she didn't know, what she likes and what turns her on. Her ex boyfriends didn't care for her needs, too. So imagine she didn't have a single orgasm until we got together. She was very ashamed about it, that's why she never told anybody except me. We tried a lot of toys and positions and she got feelings she never had before. She cries and she squirts sometimes and totally enjoys intimacy with me. But she couldn't tell if these feelings are orgasms. A few weeks ago she told me, it feels like one and it is getting stronger each time. So maybe it is some kind of practicing muscles down there. I don't know. On average we have sex every second day and she really loves it. She wants it but she doesn't get horny on her own. It starts when we get intimate by kissing and touching each other. She doesn't even masturbate. Sometimes she reads erotic stories but she is distracted by every small detail. It's very hard for her to find stuff that turns her on.

About me: I am everything else than an expert. My first girlfriend 20 years ago cheated on me. From that time on i got a really weak selfesteem. I got some other bad experiences when it comes to women. I'm struggleing with my weight for my whole life more or less. I often got problems with e.d.. The last time i have been single i met a lot of women and got more and more self confident.
But my wife was the first woman that made me 100% comfortable. She gives me the feeling everything is fine. And she is the first one who really turns me on. Our sex is the best i've ever had. But there are some fantasies i think about very often. I started growing that fantasies in my last relationship, but couldn't imagine somebody is attracted to my ex. Me wasn't neither somehow.

We are telling us really everything. I even show her the porns i watch. Something i didn't tell anyone before. So of course i mentioned my fantasies a few months ago. She wasn't shocked but surprised because i had been a really jealous guy. I had been so jealous i would say it was some kind of sickness. But she is the first person that earned my total trust. I even encourage her to dress sexy when she goes out with her girlfriends.

So after that surprise she told me, that is something she things, that will never gonna happen, because she needs that strong connection to enjoy sex with another man. I first told her, it is totally fine for me to keep it as an fantasy. After a while we both realized, that this thoughts could be more serious. But still i am totally fine with just these fantasies. She told me, we could start with just writing with other men on reddit. So i made her an account and we searched for other guys just for writing and get to know each other. After some failures we found a guy that really attracted her. He was an athlete with a nice body and was really charming to both of us. So we opened up a group chat with him. I realized how i enjoyed her writing to him and looking for his answers. I gave her a little help with her messages, because she was just too shy. On some day i was out with my friends and she startet to write to me, how horny she is. She needed my dick and wanted me to come home. That was something she never did before. As you can imagine i kinda flew home to do my duty. On my way she told me to hurry up and sent some hot pics of her in lingerie to me. We had sex everyday and i startet to roleplay a bit. She was really turned on.

But this guy had a girlfriend and tried to keep us as a secret. So after 2 weeks he started answering rarely. We lost interest and created a profile on a well known dating platform for swingers. But from that point she started to loose interest. There were a lot of guys interested in her, but she didn't get that feeling anymore. She likes to get compliments for her hot pics, but that's it. No chatting, no flirting... nothing.
She told me, she is sure, that's gonna happen someday but she can't imagine right now. She would be overwhelmed with 2 guys around her and she wouldn't feel comfortable with a stranger. Something i totally understand but she doesn't really try to get to know anybody. She only wants me. I am the happiest guy on earth but maybe there is a little chance to even fullfill these fantasies.

We met another couple just for some drinks and asked a lot about swinging. We think about visiting a swinger club just because of curiosity. But i don't know what to wear with my shape. I started going to gym 4 times and lost round about 10 pounds already.

Sometimes we watch porn together and she is giving me handjobs and blowjobs. I tell her how much it turns me on, imagining her in that videos. Getting intimate with another guy while holding my hand and kissing me and things like that. But i don't want to give her pressure.

I have to say she's pregnant since a few weeks. That also comes into her mind when we talk about hotwifing.

Is/was there anybody in similar situations? What did you do? What should i think about it?

Thanks for reading

Tom

[armyguyot1]

Welcome to the forum tom3088.

[bbarnsworth]

I can't say I've been in a similar situation. But, I've read some situations that are more or less like this; women whose sexual past was very repressed, rejected, ignored, etc. where the woman is just beginning to understand how sexual she is.

A few thoughts occur to me;

She noted that she needs a strong connection. This is very common; many women want a strong, emotional connection with the person they have sex with. Separating sex from emotions (forgive the stereotype) is easier for men than it is for women I think. For women when they have sex, they are literally bringing someone inside of their bodies. It's not that way, obviously, for men. Going to a swingers club is the antithesis of having a strong connection. It's finding someone you're physically attracted to and having sex. I would guess that's not what she really wants.

You mention being overweight and having some ED problems. If she were to actively start dating a man who is in better shape than you, without ED problems, could you handle that? What if you thought he was better looking, better career, better cock, better in bed? Could you handle that? What if she starts having true feelings of love for him? Could you handle that? Be careful what you ask for; you just might get it!

You're on a journey of exploration of each other and your fantasies. Just remember it's not a race; you can go slow. Based on what you've written so far, it seems going slow would be a good idea.

As for the guy who has a girlfriend who is trying to keep it secret from her? I know he's already gone, but don't mess around with guys like that. You're just asking for trouble.

[tom3088]

Hey bbarnsworth, thanks for your answer.

Maybe you missunderstand a bit. The idea of visting a swinger club is not for getting her connected with somebody. We wouldn't even have sex there. It's just to see other people, who are really open minded enjoying the time. She is definitely curious. Maybe she would start to realize, it is totally fine for a woman to have sex with another man and would get a bit more comfortable.

But the jealousy is a topic for me. That's why i started working on me. On the one hand it turns me on when she finds another man attractive. I always encourage her to tell me if she likes something about a guy. But on the other hand i am also affraid. I guess a lot of guys around here know that feelings. Would be much easier for me if she doesn't care about that connection. But even if i allow it to her, she wouldn't be interested. Are here any topics on the board with a bad outcome? I can only find posts with guys really enjoying it. I would like to read some bad examples.

About the other guy: Yes in the beginning it all was exciting. We honored he was telling the truth to us. But it didn't fit and we didn't want to hurt anybody.

I am fully aware of the risks and of the fact it is some kind of journey. It already has been a journey to this point. I am asking myself if i should continue to tell her about my thoughts or just keep them. She wants to know about that but on the other hand she allways answers things like "i just want you". I feel like kinda embarressed in these situations.

[bbarnsworth]

Oh I understood; I knew the swinger club trip wasn't to play with anyone else. I just wonder if your wife will not see that sort of behavior as something she wants, and might be turned away from it. Like, "If this is what this lifestyle is about, it's not for me!" There are MANY flavors of this lifestyle. Swinger clubs are just one. My wife and I prefer to find people who are great in bed and then keep them around, preferably for years. You can't not develop a connection with someone you keep having sex with for years. That's us. I suspect it's your wife too.

Bad outcomes? Sure. I've read a number of bad out comes. Things can definitely go south. I read about one guy who reacted very poorly on their first try in this lifestyle. She really enjoyed having sex with a new guy. Her husband couldn't handle it. Like, literally couldn't handle it. It uncovered deep emotional scars for him. Less than a year later, they were divorced. There are lots of stories like this.

I'm not going to sugarcoat this for you. It is entirely possible your wife will find this notional new guy to be better looking, better shape, more successful, and better in bed. What is there to NOT tempt her to leaving you and going to him? It happens. Really, it happens!

BUT...

If you have a deep, abiding love with a relationship with maximal trust to the point of each of you knowing your deepest thoughts, with communication between you that always discusses things and never shies away from talking through things that are emotionally vulnerable, yes it can work. There are many flavors of couples that venture quite successfully down this path. Most of them share all or most of the above qualities in their relationship. There's an old saying; this lifestyle is a magnifying glass. What it finds, it magnifies. If there's bad, it magnifies that. If there's good, it magnifies that.

Only you and your wife can evaluate if this lifestyle is for you. The stories are out there of good and bad. The vast majority of people on this forum are people who are wannabes or people (this is important) who made it work. The ones who didn't make it work aren't here anymore. Makes sense, right?

Jealousy can be a problem. The first time my wife went on a solo date with a lover of hers, I was an absolute bag of nerves the whole evening. She was late in reporting in by a mere 15 minutes and I was a basket case, ready to send out the national guard to go looking for her. Jealous? Yeah, but not quite exactly. This guy was good looking, successful, and very good in bed. I'd already witnessed the two of them together and she just could not get enough sex with him. They had sex in all sorts of positions for a long, long time. The more sex she had with him, the more she wanted. It was intensely ..and I do mean intensely! ... erotic watching them. It's like the two of them had finally found the perfect person to fuck and they weren't giving up until their bodies just quit.

So it comes down to... is it worth it? I can only answer for us. Most emphatically, undoubtedly, it has been absolutely worth it. We are closer, more tightly bonded than before we went down this path and that has remained so in the years since. But, you have to evaluate for you. Your results may not be the same. Who knows? My wife and I spent 8 months talking it through before dipping our toes in the pool. Take your time, talk it through, and talk it through over and over again. Imagine scenarios, play them out (and not just in the bedroom, but doing mundane things like errands). Make the journey about the two of you together, and I think someday you will have the incredible pleasure of watching your wife have sex with another man...and seriously enjoying it!

[sandy691196]

Hey bbarnsworth, thanks for your answer.

Maybe you missunderstand a bit. The idea of visting a swinger club is not for getting her connected with somebody. We wouldn't even have sex there. It's just to see other people, who are really open minded enjoying the time. She is definitely curious. Maybe she would start to realize, it is totally fine for a woman to have sex with another man and would get a bit more comfortable.

But the jealousy is a topic for me. That's why i started working on me. On the one hand it turns me on when she finds another man attractive. I always encourage her to tell me if she likes something about a guy. But on the other hand i am also affraid. I guess a lot of guys around here know that feelings. Would be much easier for me if she doesn't care about that connection. But even if i allow it to her, she wouldn't be interested. Are here any topics on the board with a bad outcome? I can only find posts with guys really enjoying it. I would like to read some bad examples.

About the other guy: Yes in the beginning it all was exciting. We honored he was telling the truth to us. But it didn't fit and we didn't want to hurt anybody.

I am fully aware of the risks and of the fact it is some kind of journey. It already has been a journey to this point. I am asking myself if i should continue to tell her about my thoughts or just keep them. She wants to know about that but on the other hand she allways answers things like "i just want you". I feel like kinda embarressed in these situations.

You are really a lucky guy that she "wants only you". Enjoy that as a rare treasure mate.
She aint bothered about your weight.. You didnt have to go to no gym to impress her or to hold on to her! Treasure that mate.

The life style is to enrich your relationship and not the other way round. There was a GFish girl I dated for a while, decades back, where my ONLY interest was to have a swinging or MFM partner! So that is the kind of relationship which exists only as an enabler to the LS! In your case the LS is a tiny little component in your beautiful relationship.

You feel you are not putting pressure on her. But this regular fantasising and open admission of enhanced pleasure through this topic, is in itself a "pressure" on any loving woman who wants to be a good wife for her partner!

It is more dangerous for you since she is not the kind of girl who can separate sex from "connections" and "feelings". If she feels that subtle pressure and to please you, gets into a "connection" with somebody, you may live to regret that. Do remember that you are a possessive and jealous partner (like I am!).

I suggest you consider your beautiful relationship as non negotiable. Enjoy the pregnancy. Have the baby. Allow her to settle down and become totally secure and comfortable. then in a few years perhaps... Que sera sera!

[aztd]

Enjoy