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by bbarnsworth » Wed Aug 07, 2024 3:47 pm
JTB69; your concerns are very valid, and make sense. When my wife and I were first getting into this 15 years ago, we considered these issues of emotions very carefully. Yes, this is a serious issue. Zorro's comments are spot on.
I agree that many women are demisexual. It's a stereotype, but one I've found to often be true. Sex is different for women than it is for men. For women, you are actively bringing a man inside your body. Inside. It's very intimate. If playing without a condom, the sperm he leaves inside of her can be inside her for days. That's a very, very different experience than it is for a man.
So, presuming your wife is demisexual (and it sounds like that's a good bet), you're both essentially saying yes, let's play but there needs to be emotions but not too many emotions, only juuuust enough. That's a really delicate balance. Achievable? Maybe, but difficult. That's even before having sex. Then, have sex...hopefully very enjoyable sex that last for a couple of hours. At the end of that, she's likely to feel even more emotionally connected to him than before. Nevermind if she only played with him once; what do those emotions do for your relationship? What's the impact? How does it feel for both of you? Delicate balances indeed.
My wife and I talked this out many, many times before she ever played. We came to a few conclusions before play ever happened; (1) We weren't going to judge the lifestyle based one or a few experiences, if they were bad. Just like with vanilla dating, there we likely to be duds. If we kept hitting duds, or it didn't feel right, we'd stop and return to things as they had been. We didn't think crossing the bridge would destroy what our relationship was, so returning to things as before was always an option. (2) If she found someone who was particularly good in bed, really made her feel good, and the sex was just fantastic...why make him go away after one or two encounters? A big benefit of doing this is having a sex partner who is GREAT. Why make them go away once you find them?
Ok, emotions could develop. That was a very uncertain area. What we concluded was this; we'd play it by feelings over time. If she started developing feelings, we'd deeply discuss how it was impacting our relationship. You note you and your wife have strong communication. This is critical in this lifestyle, especially if emotions start to develop. We didn't want our relationship negatively affected in any way. We value our closeness, value our marriage, and never want to replace each other. We're a billion% committed to each other, for evermore. But, that doesn't mean we can't have emotions for someone else...if we don't feel it's affecting us negatively. If it wasn't having a negative effect, we'd let things continue to develop, for the sex to continue (really, becoming lovemaking at times). We'd just keep evaluating. Both of us would retain the privilege of ending the relationship with the other guy at any time, and we'd return to being monogamous. We felt comfortable with this since we were so solid in our marriage.
How did it play out? Well, the first two guys she had sex with were just kinda so-so. Not great, not bad, fun in a kinky way knowing you're doing something taboo, but not something that was putting her over the moon. The third guy? Wow! I mean WOW! She could not get enough sex with him. She just wanted to keep fucking and sucking him over and over and over again. I had the privilege of participating in that, but really I just enjoyed watching the two of them go at it for what seemed like hours. She got to play with him two more times, once solo. His life situation changed, and he moved out of the region, so she never got to play with him again. I am very confident that if she had continued to have sex with him it would have been many times a month and she would have rapidly fallen in love with him. But, while her emotions for him started to grow, it wasn't enough to really 'test' things so to speak.
A few years later, we met up with a single guy that also really rocked her boat. This guy was in it for the long term, and made it clear he was interested in playing with her for a long time. They started to get more emotionally close. We talked, and felt like it had not affected us. After about a month of playing with him, he agreed to be monogamous to her and she started having sex with him bareback. The closeness really began to move up then. We continued to discuss, and never found there to be an issue. Our love for each other wasn't negatively affected in any way. If anything, we were closer for it. She saw him a few (sometimes many) times a month for a few years before things ended (on a good note, but ended). Within that, there were many solo dates. In fact, most of it was solo dates; we had younger kids at home at the time, and finding sitters that frequently would have been awkward. We had discussed that beforehand too, that if she found a man who became a boyfriend, she'd likely be playing solo a lot. I was ok with that, so long as I wasn't neglected and our relationship remained strong. We also knew that if such a man came into her life, she would need to see to all his sexual needs as well as mine. If she couldn't be available as often as he needed her, she would likely lose him eventually.
When things ended, she was upset for a time, and didn't want to play. She talked about her feelings of lost love, and that it hurt. She shed a few tears here and there. In time, she worked through it. I didn't pressure her at all. I knew this was something she had to work through. A few months after they broke up, she told me she was ready to start playing again, and off to the races we went! About a year (and some duds) later, she met another single guy who was also very good for her. Sort of the same pattern developed, though he lived further away and spontaneous sex encounters were less common. She did have a few overnight dates with him, in part because he lived further away and in part because we were more comfortable with it now. Emotionally, I think this guy was an even better match for her, and she did develop feelings of love for him pretty quickly. They were together for a bit over two years, and he met another woman. They broke up amicably, but remain in touch.
In both cases, these relationships worked well for us. My wife's and my feelings for each other never diminished. I never felt replaced, ignored, or otherwise turned into a "second". I always enjoyed joining her for threesomes with her boyfriends when I could. One of my favorites was coming home for lunch knowing beforehand she was with her boyfriend. I came home to the delightful sounds of her upstairs enjoying her boyfriend! She enjoyed the sex more as she got more emotionally close to these men, and as they learned the ins and outs of how her body worked, what she needed, and what made her feel really great. Similarly, she learned them, and as she learned them she was able to please them more which made her feel really good too. The variety of sex she had with these men also made her feel good, and their attentions made her feel even more special than she did with just me.
At first, she had butterflies about encounters with other men, and especially as she developed emotions with the two who became boyfriends. In time, the butterflies disappeared, and it all started feeling natural.
Yes, the rules have a tendency to drop away. The rules at the beginning work well; it allows you to feel some sort of comfort in a situation that you're never brought up to think is 'normal'. In time, the rules will likely fall away. But, ...BUT... make sure the rules don't stop being rules without discussion and mutual agreement. My wife and I had lots of rules at the beginning. Ultimately, the only rule that has stayed is what we call the "golden parachute". Either one of us can call off a sexual encounter without discussion at the moment. We just politely remove ourselves from the situation, head for home, and discuss it once we've left. We've never had to invoke it, but it's a comfort to know it's there.
It is wonderful that you and your wife are concerned about your relationship! And well you should be! That's not a warning or anything. It's just that in our society we're not brought up to learn relationship skills for non-monogamous relationships. We have to learn those skills, and it does take learning.
There's no way anyone of us could know very much about your relationship. But, based on what you've said, it sounds like you have a very solid relationship, with absolute trust and deep communication. These are very important to make this work, and I think you've got the foundation to do this. An old saying about non-monogamy; what it finds, it magnifies. If there's problems in the relationship, it magnifies them. If there's love, trust, and communication, it magnifies those. It seems odd especially that trust would be magnified when your wife is having sex with someone other than you, but it's true.
Also you're right; a Bull is a sex toy in human form, BUT...Bulls are people too. Yes, you both are using the Bull for the purposes of sexual gratification (her directly of course, and you indirectly...unless of course you're bi). But, if you only think of him as an inanimate toy, it ultimately will not go well. Almost nobody wants to be disrespected. It is important for a Bull to understand their role. I've been a long term Bull. It takes a bit of getting used to, that you're not the wife's primary partner. It's a bit of a mental adjustment. It would be a lot harder if I were treated as nothing but a sex toy.
Keep asking questions! Keep talking with your wife! I think you're on the road!
trust me! we all have a sixth sense....just listen to it
But she’s pretty adamant on knowing the person first.
). At this time, she definitely wants only 1 person in the room.