She has done things with lover and refuses to do the same with me...

[SSQ]

I think the operative word here is Expect instead of Want and that is what's throwing people off track. While there should be no expectation of any sexual act, it's fine to want certain things and express them. And when that conversation takes place, it shouldn't be framed in a way that indicates any sort of comparisons with the other person and instead should be framed as something we want.

"When you told me how you swallowed his cum it really excited me and makes me want to do that with you as well."

YES! This exactly. Comparisons really are death in relationships, in my opinion. If you want something, ask for it- but ask for it for yourself, not because someone else has it. And be okay with hearing no.

[Suchen Zucker]

SSQ wrote in another thread:

I think in a fully open marriage, where one partner would do things with someone else and not with their spouse, those sexual needs and/or wants can be fulfilled with another person. In the case of the OP, who we don't really know about but since we're talking in hypotheticals anyway, those unmet needs can't be fulfilled if the marriage is open only on one side, which is a typical hotwife arrangement. If we use the example that SSQ provided in the quote above if this other woman sucks cock so much better than she, and if that technique or whatever it is didn't appeal to her she could say, That's great and her husband wouldn't be offended. And if he did things with her meta (sorry Facebook - (you assholes)) and decided it wasn't something he'd be comfortable to do with her, she could get those needs met somewhere else.

I'm not sure this adds OR subtracts clarity from this argument!

Yes, that's true- but the point I wanted to make is that people are not need-filling machines. I am not entitled to a specific act or behaviour of any sort from my partner (not just sexual) just because I want it and they do it with someone else. You see this on the infidelity message boards all the time- my wayward spouse did anal (it's almost always anal, for some reason) with their affair partner, so now I think they should do anal with me.

No one should ever have to justify not wanting to do a specific sex act with a partner. Full stop. If they don't want to, it doesn't matter if you're mono and can't get it elsewhere. If it's that important to you, then end the relationship and get it elsewhere. Expecting a partner to do something with you just because they do it with someone else is potentially coercive, but definitely displaying a sense of entitlement. You can ask, but if they say no, then that should be the end of it. Their reasons are irrelevant. Again, why would you want to have sex with someone who isn't into doing it with you, no matter what their reason is?

I want to have a MFM with my husband and boyfriend. They both know this. Boyfriend is up for it, husband is not. I've had lots of 3 ways with my husband in the past, but he is not interested in this particular threesome. I don't get to whine or say well you've had them with me before, why not now? Husband knows I want to do the thing, and if he ever changes his mind about it, I'm sure I'll be the first (or possibly second!) to know it.

If he has another partner and goes and has a 3 way with them and someone else? Still doesn't change the fact that he can say no to me.

SSQ, does this only apply to sex? Would you feel the same way if the question was about acknowledging birthdays? How long would a marriage last if a husband celebrated the birthdays of other women but not that of his wife, even if his wife asked him to do so? Would it be fair to say that the husband is not a need-filling machine? That no one is entitled to force him to do one thing or another? Such a marriage sounds unhealthy and toxic.

It's not that I disagree with your above statements about sex. MrsILMW has done certain things with other men that she does not do with me. I happen to find this incredibly arousing, and it has no impact on the amazing sex that we have with each other -- it actually enhances it. Moreover, I think it would be patronizing to me and demeaning for her if she simply went through the motions of a sex act because I threw a tantrum about it. But I'm also acutely aware that most people aren't wired this way.

Of course it doesn't apply only to sex. But I'm assuming that we choose partners who make us feel loved and love them in return. If you need a partner to do specific things so that you feel loved, then you should choose a partner who does those things, and WANTS to do those things, right?

Honestly, I don't want my partner doing things begrudgingly or because he feels that he has to or else he'll upset me.

Again with your birthday analogy- my boyfriend hates giving gifts. He feels a lot of anxiety about it. Yet I've seen him buy gifts for his ex girlfriend (who hates that she's an ex, by the way). But it's not something I feel slighted by- it's not about ME at all. That's really where there needs to be some understanding, I think.

He hates giving gifts yet he does it for her. I assume he overcomes his anxiety out of guilt for hurting her, or perhaps he realizes she needs the gifts from him as an affirmation of his feelings for her? That seems completely normal behaviour from two loving human beings. He sees her need and fulfills it out of love and/or compassion.

Why would this be any different in the case of a husband desiring to experience what his wife gave to another male in a supposedly inconsequential affair?
Perhaps this does show he is insecure as to her love and/or passion for him, but her rejection of his feelings and apparent failure to take action to allay his fears reflects poorly on her as a loving partner.

-Suchen

[SSQ]

Yes, that's true- but the point I wanted to make is that people are not need-filling machines. I am not entitled to a specific act or behaviour of any sort from my partner (not just sexual) just because I want it and they do it with someone else. You see this on the infidelity message boards all the time- my wayward spouse did anal (it's almost always anal, for some reason) with their affair partner, so now I think they should do anal with me.

No one should ever have to justify not wanting to do a specific sex act with a partner. Full stop. If they don't want to, it doesn't matter if you're mono and can't get it elsewhere. If it's that important to you, then end the relationship and get it elsewhere. Expecting a partner to do something with you just because they do it with someone else is potentially coercive, but definitely displaying a sense of entitlement. You can ask, but if they say no, then that should be the end of it. Their reasons are irrelevant. Again, why would you want to have sex with someone who isn't into doing it with you, no matter what their reason is?

I want to have a MFM with my husband and boyfriend. They both know this. Boyfriend is up for it, husband is not. I've had lots of 3 ways with my husband in the past, but he is not interested in this particular threesome. I don't get to whine or say well you've had them with me before, why not now? Husband knows I want to do the thing, and if he ever changes his mind about it, I'm sure I'll be the first (or possibly second!) to know it.

If he has another partner and goes and has a 3 way with them and someone else? Still doesn't change the fact that he can say no to me.

SSQ, does this only apply to sex? Would you feel the same way if the question was about acknowledging birthdays? How long would a marriage last if a husband celebrated the birthdays of other women but not that of his wife, even if his wife asked him to do so? Would it be fair to say that the husband is not a need-filling machine? That no one is entitled to force him to do one thing or another? Such a marriage sounds unhealthy and toxic.

It's not that I disagree with your above statements about sex. MrsILMW has done certain things with other men that she does not do with me. I happen to find this incredibly arousing, and it has no impact on the amazing sex that we have with each other -- it actually enhances it. Moreover, I think it would be patronizing to me and demeaning for her if she simply went through the motions of a sex act because I threw a tantrum about it. But I'm also acutely aware that most people aren't wired this way.

Of course it doesn't apply only to sex. But I'm assuming that we choose partners who make us feel loved and love them in return. If you need a partner to do specific things so that you feel loved, then you should choose a partner who does those things, and WANTS to do those things, right?

Honestly, I don't want my partner doing things begrudgingly or because he feels that he has to or else he'll upset me.

Again with your birthday analogy- my boyfriend hates giving gifts. He feels a lot of anxiety about it. Yet I've seen him buy gifts for his ex girlfriend (who hates that she's an ex, by the way). But it's not something I feel slighted by- it's not about ME at all. That's really where there needs to be some understanding, I think.

He hates giving gifts yet he does it for her. I assume he overcomes his anxiety out of guilt for hurting her, or perhaps he realizes she needs the gifts from him as an affirmation of his feelings for her? That seems completely normal behaviour from two loving human beings. He sees her need and fulfills it out of love and/or compassion.

Why would this be any different in the case of a husband desiring to experience what his wife gave to another male in a supposedly inconsequential affair?
Perhaps this does show he is insecure as to her love and/or passion for him, but her rejection of his feelings and apparent failure to take action to allay his fears reflects poorly on her as a loving partner.

-Suchen

I think perhaps you might see that something done begrudgingly, isn't worth having. My boyfriend doesn't give his ex gifts because he loves her. He gives her gifts because they are still friends and it's not worth it to him to deal with her tantrums. Likewise, a lot of people give their partners sex because it's easier than saying no, which is pretty gross when you think about it.

I don't ask him for gifts because I know they mean nothing to him. If it's not freely given out of love, as you describe it, then what is the point?

In your example, the husband can desire specific sex acts. It's not wrong to want things. It's not wrong to ask for things. But she can say no, and she isn't wrong, or unloving, or rejecting him, or any of that nonsense. Her body is hers and she does not have to share it any way that she doesn't want to, and she doesn't have to justify it in any way. Once again- duty sex is pretty gross. Wanting a partner to do something sexually that they don't want to do with you? I can't understand how anyone who cares about that person could actually take pleasure in it.

[CurvyNerdMILF]

Just to pipe in here… For many people, some sex acts carry with them an emotional quality that isn’t immediately obvious to others. And the sex acts that trigger these more complex emotions vary from person to person. To make it even more complicated, one might find the same act comfortable in one context and not another even with the same partner.

There are certain activities in the BDSM realm that I can see myself potentially engaging in, but not with my husband. I can be very emotionally intimate with him, but our relationship has a history and a complicated dynamic of its own that is part of everyday life. There are times in our marriage, especially in the first decade we were together, where I really had a hard time asserting my needs and desires (mostly outside of the bedroom), and I tried hard to be a dutiful and easy-going wife. I was resentful for not getting my needs met but was afraid to assert those needs lest I be seen as too demanding. And it was really bad for both me and our marriage. I ceded control on things I should have had more of a say in. Now, I do let him dominate me—but there is a limit, past which I am really uncomfortable. I really don’t like feeling owned or controlled by him.

Because I am very clearly _not_ the property of men with whom I am involved outside of my marriage and daily life, I might feel comfortable going into some more submissive activities in that context. It is not a slight against my husband. It’s honoring my emotions and relationships.

To the OP: I can see how your wife’s refusal to do certain acts with you while she accepts them with her lover might feel wounding. However, sex acts that are comfortable to do on one day might not feel right with the same partner another day—much less with a different lover in a different context. In the case of your wife, I suspect that it might have to do with how she views herself while with a lover be how she views herself while with you. She may have some shame about those sex acts or sense that they are especially dirty—and she might have a hard time letting go of what feels taboo around you, even if you tell her that those acts are sexy and enticing for you. She may just feel like she wants to be a stereotypical “good girl” with you because that’s how she feel a wife should behave, on some level.

Or it could be something else entirely.

Unless you can get past your own feelings of hurt, you won’t either get a clearer picture of what is at the core of her different boundaries with you and with a lover OR be able to work with her to shift those boundaries in a way you might find satisfying.

I hope that makes sense to you.

[lookingiansa]

I can understand her trying these activates with the lover. Perhaps after that she decides she doesn't like it and doesn't continue it. But if she continues these activities and still denies her husband then this is just wrong. Saying 'get over yourself' is bullshit and dismissive (IMO).

This was posted in the hotwife forum and not the cuckold forum so we are talking about a more inclusive situation right?

It wasn’t said as a way to be dismissive. It was honest feedback on what is needed to “move in or resolve the issue”. That was his request... my response was to “get over yourself”. He needs to get his mind right and realize the specific sex acts aren’t the key here. It’s the fact that she loves him, married him, is helping to explore his fantasies and he’s pushing her away by projecting sourness and anger.

Would he rather hear her say, “because your cum tastes like burnt coffee and his tastes like my favorite latte”? Why push and prod when at the end of the day, the benefit of having multiple sex partners is having multiple sexual experiences. They don’t need to be the same and his need to have the same sex experience as his wife’s lover/fwb/whatever is clearly causing an issue between them. So, yes, I think he needs to work on getting over it and put of his headspace that says his value is derived from giving his wife the same experience she gets elsewhere. That might be what he wants, but that’s not helping.

It’s like the husband with a large cock getting upset that his wife allows a smaller lover to do anal but refuses the husband. Maybe she’s refusing because it’s uncomfortable or painful. Don’t get hung up on thinking that denigrates what the couple share. It’s just that some guys have an ass-cock and some guys don’t. The same as some guys have great tasting cum and some guys don’t. Maybe he shouldn’t push for details he really doesn’t want to know.

Maybe you took that as being dismissive, but that’s not how it was given. And cuck/hotwife/stag has nothing to do with my answer.

Parkside


I'm getting to the party late. But as someone said this is in the hotwife section not the cuckold section.

You say to get over himself, put up with it be a beta cuck basically. How about the other option don't put up with it and stop all play until he feels more comfortable about the intended boundaries he apparently thought they set. Obviously he thought he was going to have the same thing done in their marriage as lovers too.

So as I said one time ago, a postive for wife and lover negative feelings taking away from husband. If one of the 2 doesn't like it angry rejected IMHO they should stop take a break work on themselves and get on same page until they can resolve it. Or husband should say if you want him be with him lover that's great. But husband says, I'm leaving and not support her in her hot wife efforts. He needs to have clear boundaries and he must back up those boundaries with actions and consequences if it continues and he don't like it anymore.

Yes the wife has a right to play and give herself however she wants but the husband doesn't need to support her in it if he's not getting anything out of it other than angry and feeling rejection not good for him.

IMHO also if the love and security was there she would willingly stop to work on it for his feelings and needs too get worked out.

Mr. Lookingiansa

[veub]

I'm reminded of the old joke. The bride, after walking down the aisle, whispers to her maid of honor: "Thank God, I'll never have to give a blowjob again."

It's simple. Whether she enjoys those thing with her bf or not, she does things for him to keep him interested. She doesn't have to bother doing those things for you because she already has you and she knows that you aren't leaving.

[isinlarsa]

Just to pipe in here… For many people, some sex acts carry with them an emotional quality that isn’t immediately obvious to others. And the sex acts that trigger these more complex emotions vary from person to person. To make it even more complicated, one might find the same act comfortable in one context and not another even with the same partner.

There are certain activities in the BDSM realm that I can see myself potentially engaging in, but not with my husband. I can be very emotionally intimate with him, but our relationship has a history and a complicated dynamic of its own that is part of everyday life. There are times in our marriage, especially in the first decade we were together, where I really had a hard time asserting my needs and desires (mostly outside of the bedroom), and I tried hard to be a dutiful and easy-going wife. I was resentful for not getting my needs met but was afraid to assert those needs lest I be seen as too demanding. And it was really bad for both me and our marriage. I ceded control on things I should have had more of a say in. Now, I do let him dominate me—but there is a limit, past which I am really uncomfortable. I really don’t like feeling owned or controlled by him.

Because I am very clearly _not_ the property of men with whom I am involved outside of my marriage and daily life, I might feel comfortable going into some more submissive activities in that context. It is not a slight against my husband. It’s honoring my emotions and relationships.

To the OP: I can see how your wife’s refusal to do certain acts with you while she accepts them with her lover might feel wounding. However, sex acts that are comfortable to do on one day might not feel right with the same partner another day—much less with a different lover in a different context. In the case of your wife, I suspect that it might have to do with how she views herself while with a lover be how she views herself while with you. She may have some shame about those sex acts or sense that they are especially dirty—and she might have a hard time letting go of what feels taboo around you, even if you tell her that those acts are sexy and enticing for you. She may just feel like she wants to be a stereotypical “good girl” with you because that’s how she feel a wife should behave, on some level.

Or it could be something else entirely.

Unless you can get past your own feelings of hurt, you won’t either get a clearer picture of what is at the core of her different boundaries with you and with a lover OR be able to work with her to shift those boundaries in a way you might find satisfying.

I hope that makes sense to you.

Well said. I am not hurt that my wife does things with other men that we don't do together. Indeed, I find it exciting that she "cuts loose" in ways with other men that she wouldn't with me. She and I still have "special things" we do together.

[parklife]

I'm getting to the party late. But as someone said this is in the hotwife section not the cuckold section.

You say to get over himself, put up with it be a beta cuck basically. How about the other option don't put up with it and stop all play until he feels more comfortable about the intended boundaries he apparently thought they set. Obviously he thought he was going to have the same thing done in their marriage as lovers too.

And as I said in a subsequent post, my response has nothing to do with hotwife/stag/cuck/whatever term you want to use. This isn’t about the sexual dynamic at all, the response was about looking internally for the source of the issue and addressing the pang’s of jealousy that he said were destructive.. when someone says “this makes me feel” or “this has caused sourness and anger o my side”, those are internal statements.

I even said in a subsequent post

“Communication is key... so is compromise and so is figuring out what is important and what is just pangs of jealousy.”

I made a judgement call based on the email provided. He asked for advice and I gave him my read…. That this is an internal thing to him that is holding them back. I don’t think she’d have any issue whatsoever stopping nor do I think she has any interest in negotiating boundaries as his one and only posts seems pretty clear that she did this to live out his fantasies and is pretty much over it by the sounds of the post. It was in that context t I responded. His hang-ups are getting in the way of them moving forward. So while my verbatim words seem harsh, “get over himself” that’s still what I would say now. IF he wants to continue having a hotwife, he needs to solve his internal jealousy about their specific sex acts. If not, then, as I’ve also said in this thread, they shouldn’t have gone down this path to begin with.

[SRKnight]

With my HW I know she does anal with her long time boyfriend. Just not something I care that much for so something they can have for just the two of them.

[aliefguy]

My wife hates BJs, at least that what she tells me. But if her guy friends want one she always gives them one, it is what it is.

[bltn1966]

My wife hates BJs, at least that what she tells me. But if her guy friends want one she always gives them one, it is what it is.

My wife will only do BJ’s before we have sex. NEVER during or after. She said putting her mouth on a wet cock is disgusting. One of the first guys she was with gave her a body shaking orgasm, he pulled out his cock and put it in her face. She eagerly licked all her juices from it. She did it a few times that night. She’s also done it with other guys but still refuse to do it with me.

One guy, she was with, wrapped both of her legs behind her head. Up to that time she didn’t know she could do that. Another guy fingered, licked and roughly fucked her while trapping her legs behind her head. She was a screaming and squirting mess when he finished with her in that position. She refuse to have sex with me in that position. She think I would get carried away. Carried away??? The guy was literally bouncing her off the mattress and she’s worried about me getting carried away. My wife also don’t want me to pull her hair or smack her ass during sex. So in 15 years of marriage, I’ve never thought about doing it. Then i saw her with one guy that was yanking her ponytail with one hand and slapping her ass with the other as he fucked her from behind. My wife was enjoying the little rough sex with him.

[CoupleFun555]

My wife is her own person. She has absolute autonomy as a person to do what she wants with her body. That seems like such an obvious proposition.

And, she’s in a relationship with me. I have no right to tell her what or what not to do. Yet, I am fully capable of explaining to her what are my wants and what are my needs. She, as an ethical person in committed relationship can weigh these issues and choose what to do.

Practically, she has bfs that just can do things I can’t. All but one of her bfs have been much longer than me. They can do more positions and last longer so she does a lot more with them. I am glad for her.

[mrs_hotwifecplsa]

My husband cannot cum inside me or give me anal. Those is reserved for Bulls

[Filou]

I think I would not care if my wife did things with other playpartnersshe would not want to do with me.
Actually it is the complete opposite though that got us into the cuckolding part of our relationship: It was rather me not wanting to take part in certain kinks she wanted to explore.

[Sharemywife1968]

mine hates morning sex, I never get that,,when she stays with a lover they always want it and she gives to them,

[sana9889]

No two relationships are the same
She may be more sexual with some compared to others. And more intimate in other ways.