Beginner (soon, hopefully!) 28M/23F from UK

[UnseriousRice]

Tl;DR: Hi! I could use some encouragement and advice on how to have the talk with my lovely GF. We're off to London for a week around Halloween.


Hi guys and girls. Hopeful boyfriend of a beautiful, sex-loving GF from the UK here. I've signed up to get more immeresed in the idea of the lifestyle that I am so excited to bring up with my girlfriend. I could really use some advice in expressing to my girlfriend my thoughts and getting her on board. I am currently suffering from a lot of anxiety about bringing it up in a serious manner that isn't just a pillow comment during sex...

We've been together pretty much a year now; we first hooked up last Halloween. It wasn't long before we were watching porn together and trying toys. I used to shyly drop comments that I'd find it hot for her to be in those porn situations, or that I've straight up had dreams of watching her get fucked by big hot guys. Her responses were always to smile or laugh and say "you're crazy", but also "Sure, I'm down to try anything". She's also had some more cautionary and blunt responses such as "Don't get upset if something happens", or "Aren't you worried I'll leave if his dick is better?".

I feel like the last time I brought it up it was inappropriate due to the stress we were both under from University and life, so I've left it for a few months (although she never said 'no', it was more along the lines of, 'there isn't time for it now'). Recently, we've been very close and lovey-dovey, and I've been really excited by the idea again. I really want to have a deep conversation with her about it but I can't get over the hesitation. Will she be upset, or angry, or think less of me? I feel like she loves sex enough, and me, and is open-minded for it to work...I mean she has been pegging me lately, and we even tried chastity on me while she was on holiday once...

We're going to London for a week at the end of this month. It would be the perfect time to unwind and explore this with her.

Any thoughts? Thanks for reading. I'm hoping to become part of the community very soon.

[trecital]

Firstly, congratulations on being the first person (as far as I'm aware) to ever post photos in the New Member Intros Forum.
Didn't know that was even possible.

As for your desire to have 'The Big Talk' with your girlfriend..... Be careful, as this can backfire. She might see it as trying to push her into a decision she isn't yet ready for. And could, possibly, turn her against the idea, if she feels you are going too fast for her.
Remember, this is probably primarily your desire, that you've been thinking about, and reading about, for some time. You've probably travelled a long way down this 'road' already, at least mentally. It's probable that your girlfriend has only been thinking about it 'off and on', and consequently hasn't travelled as far down the road as you have.
Give her time to keep up with you. Ease off your pressure, but continue with the subtle hints, fantasy stories etc. See which things she reacts to best, and develop those.
Your hesitation to have the 'big talk' is there for a reason. You are sensing that she isn't fully on board. Don't rush things.
You haven't been in a relationship with her for very long.
It's not clear from your intro as to what 'lifestyle' you are desiring. Is it more 'hotwife', or are there 'cuckold' elements? You mention wanting to watch her, which could fit into either 'style'. If you have some cuckold style thoughts and desires, then this is often a more difficult path to move down for a young couple with a fairly short history together. Be careful!

Your girlfriend looks super fit, very sexy. Lucky you. Don't rush things or push too hard. It would be a shame if you lost her because of your craving to have 'the talk', and move from fantasy to reality.
And watch out! There are 'fanatics' here who will push you to go further, just so that they can get their 'fix'. They might encourage you to speed up your process, and ask you to report back here. Ignore them.

Welcome to the forum.

You might want to consider upping your post count. You can't receive Private Messages on the forum until you have made more posts, I think. 10 seems to be the magic number. If thats incorrect, perhaps someone else could correct me.

[UnseriousRice]

Haha, I thought the pictures might show some genuineness...

Thanks for the message, I appreciate the advice! It all makes sense what you've said. I'm definitely not going to push it, but I do feel as though if I don't bring it up, it will never be discussed. She's never one to bring up sex topics, but she's always very happy to talk about it. And, I feel like dropping small hints and comments doesn't amount to much, generally speaking. Maybe that's just the way our relationship and communication is - more direct convos seem best. For instance, about half way through this year I spoke to her about involving a new person over text, and I got some solid responses. Other times she has mentioned that she would go to sex parties if she had the time (which was a pleasant surprise). Knowing this, and given the time since, I felt like now is okay to get more direct and detailed thoughts on it from her, given the upcoming oppurtunity we have.

I don't know...I guess I just need to man up and go through with it. I mainly feel intimidated by the thought that she could easily be disappointed in me as a partner, suggesting she can 'cheat' with other men, even though I have little reason to believe this given our openess to sex so far...

As for what type of lifestyle I'm hoping for, initially it was all cuckoldry, just from how this all started for me 2-3 years ago, but I'm now reading into the hotwife side of things. From what I understand, they are similar, but with 'humiliation' / comparison aspects and more like...emotional or maybe 'second boyfriend' on the cuckold side? That's definitely what my deepest fantasies are, but ultimately I'd be happy with my GF enjoying herself doing something new and fun, in any dynamic.

Thanks for the tips. I'll try and post some more. Oh and definitely, I'm used to people DM'ing, pushing for pics or for me to do stuff, ha.

[trecital]

Ok, I understand your situation. Obviously you know best regarding what to say and when to say it.
The only other thing I'd add would be to make sure that she fully understands that you still love her and want to stay with her. Sometimes, encouraging your partner to go with another man could come across like you want to palm her off on them. From her viewpoint, why would you be encouraging her to have a relationship with someone else?
It's important too, that she fully understands that you aren't doing this so that you can fuck another girl. If the situation was reversed and she was encouraging you to fuck another woman, I'm sure you'd be surprised and somewhat suspicious of her motives.
Good luck, and keep us informed of progress.

[UnseriousRice]

I'm definitely going to make her understand that it's about her pleasure. This really is about wanting her to explore new waters together with my support.

"From her viewpoint, why would you be encouraging her to have a relationship with someone else?"

That's a good point. I'll think hard to put that gently. I'm hoping she'll be willing to read about the lifestyle with me so she can get an understanding. I'm sure it's nothing but a shock to any girl at first.

If all goes well today I'll be speaking to her about it tonight.

[parklife]

From reading both of your replies, it honestly feels like you just need a little nudge in the direction to get over your own anxieties. Obviously, we only know what you’ve typed but it’s not as if this will be an entirely new thing and it doesn’t sound as if she’s reacted negatively before.

You’re both young, it’s serious but not SERIOUS, she is clearly adventurous if she’s pegged you and had a play at chastity. She seems game for trying anything. It’s the young, inhibited playful time in her life. Maybe she can’t understand cuckoldry per se, but the two of you can have fun exploring your sexuality together for sure.

As far as the trip to London…. I wouldn’t look at it as a possibility for ex ppl poring this with her but rather a time to bring th subject up whe you’re on a weeklong holiday without the hustle and bustle (& stress) of normal life. A great opportunity to be alone together and broach the subject…. “Remember how we spoke about you possibly trying someone new but it wasn’t the right time? I’d like to see if we’re in a better place now and if it’s something you’re open to exploring?” Use this week together to talk about it out of the bedroom and start getting g real conversations going. She seems open to anything.

If she’s really up for it, hit a club and suggest she visit the bar alone while you stand off to the side or run to the restroom where she can feel the gaze of other guys…. Play something safe…. Have her in the dance floor open to dancing.

There’s no need to broach the subject and push this London trip as a way to get into it. Slow it down…

You both look fit (and you know it)…. It’s hard putting the desire into words and making yourself vulnerable but it’s also long enough in the relationship that you’ve built some connection big short enough that if it doesn’t work, it’s not a deal killer.

You’re in the prime of your youth and you only live once….

[athlete915]

Welcome to OHW. As you're already starting to experience, you should be able to find a lot of support and helpful advice on here.

I'm particularly happy to see that you Trecital have found each other. Aside from also speaking the Queen's English (or is it King's now), he's an experienced cuckold. He's well-spoken and thoughtful and will give you a more balanced view of the lifestyle than some extreme types, who often confuse fantasy and reality.

(Parklife's post was also well-written)

You mentioned that you had initially focused on cuckoldry and recently started reading about hotwifing, and that leads me to two pieces of advice. First, don't worry about trying to fit your desires into a particular box or stereotype. Most are ill-defined to begin with, and you shouldn't feel like you are being held to a standard. What matters is what feels "right" to you and, hopefully, eventually, her.

Along those lines, as you work toward making progress with your girlfriend, you should be introspective and try to determine what you want. Having her be with others is just the starting point. I could provide you with a laundry list of topics to consider, but here are just a few. Do you always want to watch, or would you be comfortable with her playing alone? Would you prefer she have one-night stands or something ongoing and even long-term? What traits are you looking for in her partners (physical, emotional, experience)? What kind of relationship would you want with her partner(s)?

I emphasize the above because if and when you and your girlfriend start seriously discussing the lifestyle, you should have ready answers for these sorts of questions. I also see it as a critical step in helping wannabes start thinking with their big heads and not just their small heads

Regarding how to proceed with your girlfriend, I always first caution wannabes to think of it as a marathon, not a sprint. Be patient. Stay focused on making incremental progress.

Next, no one knows your girlfriend better than you do. I can sit here and tell you what has worked for my couples, but that doesn't mean it will work for you. Seek and listen to advice, but constantly tailor it to your unique situation. Also, use your knowledge of her and her personality, mood, etc. to tailor your approach. At the end of a stressful day, it probably isn't a great time, but when she is otherwise turned on, it may be perfect. Pay attention and trust your intuition (and remember which head you're thinking with).

I do suspect that you're going to be good in that regard. Your response to Trecital showed nuance, introspection, and thoughtfulness. You're right; if you don't make an active effort, you're virtually guaranteed to make no progress. While subtle hints and suggestions can be part of a successful strategy, they can also often be ignored or laughed away by a spouse. Sometimes, you have to take the risk and be more direct. Again, just pay close attention to your timing and what you say.

Good luck with everything, especially the London trip. I'm happy to discuss anything further, including sharing details about my experience with couples or answering any questions.

[UnseriousRice]

First of, thanks to all of you three for the support and advice. It's very much appreciated. A few years ago I'd never even have thought of sharing someone I love. It's gone from the worst thing ever to literally the best. Anxiety has been the main blocker in not talking about it so far, but I'm feeling a lot better with the guidance.

Didn't have the oppurtunity to speak to her so I'll just settle down a bit and really think my apporach through in the mean time. I think parklife is spot on about bringing it up on holiday. For her to be in a totally relaxed, fun-seeking mindset might be a big benefit. My only concern is that this holiday will be the last time to explore this sort of thing for a while. She's going home for an undetermined amount of time towards December, and then we've got University to worry about again in January. Of course, if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. As with sex and everything I do with her, I only enjoy things if she does, and I subconciously put in a lot of effort to think about her feelings in general.

I guess until I'm concrete sure on when it's a good time to pull the trigger I can just chill out a little. Like trecital suggested, I should throw out a few more feelers: fantasies, dreams, naughty comments and suggestions. Perhaps I'll drop some hot thoughts and probe just a little deeper than usual, as to not let her laugh it off as something wild, and actually get a thought back.

Not sure if I mentioned before, on a morning recently I told her about a real dream I had, where I was briefly watching her being kissed and taken by three men. My heart was going pretty quick, but I went into the details. We were both laughing and smiling about it, and she gave me a peck on the cheek: "Your sexual preferences are so wide and special...so there's nothing that you can't accept, huh?". I replied saying I'm open minded because I feel close to her, and then we had some pretty intimate sex.

I think there's a good chance something can happen here, and if not then at some point next year. It's been really pleasant welcome to the community so far, even if I am just a 'wannabe' right now, so thanks again y'all. I'll definitely keep posting with updates and questions and whatnot...it's so exciting and I feel like it would be incredibly romantic if she could let me go and express true sexual freedom.

[athlete915]

Glad we can help. Again, this should be a positive, supportive place. If nothing else, you should realize that you aren't alone.

The anxiety you've experienced is absolutely normal and almost to be expected. Remember that you've been conditioned to think that boyfriends and husbands should only act one way (i.e., jealous). Of course, deviating from that is going to cause some anxiety. I'm sure you've fretted about whether there is something wrong with your wants and desires.

And obviously, it's not just about you. Even once you've accepted your feelings, you have the massive question of whether your girlfriend will accept them. Like you, she's been conditioned to think that boyfriends will react only one way. Worrying about how she will respond as you open up to her is natural.

What I do my best to reinforce to my cuckolds is that there is nothing wrong with your feelings. You love your girlfriend so much that you want to put her pleasure first. How can that be a bad thing? If anything, women should dream of having boyfriends like you. It's the best of both worlds for them.

I'm curious if you can point to what helped spark the change from "worst thing ever to literally the best"? Everyone in the lifestyle tends to have a pretty interesting "origin" story.

[humiliation]

All excellent advice. If I could add my thoughts. Rather than having a sit down with her where you make the proposal, that's a difficult road. I would suggest that you bring it up while you're having sex. I don't know if you talk to her during sex but its pretty powerful. Draw attention verbally to what you're doing with her, ask her, "can you feel me inside you", can you feel me touching all of your walls?" I don't know what deficiencies you think that you may have, but tell her, I'll bet you'd love to be stretched out by a larger cock...and I'd love to see and kiss your face if you had to take somebody larger than me.

I'd also play up a bit of every woman's exhibitionist fantasies. Such as tell her how you noticed men looking at her. Find an innocent part of her like her feet and tell her how you noticed men looking at her feet and that you'd find it erotic to buy her a pedicure and get her some high heeled open toed shoes to show them off. and the work it into your sex talk while you're fucking her, did you notice that man starring at you....etc....

Just my thoughts, but love that you're starting your journey.

[UnseriousRice]

Hey again guys. Definitely. I don't think she'd see it as too weird when I make her understand that it's all about putting her pleasure first. I like that.

I've definitely tried dropping in during sex before but I think she's always brushed it off. The best I've gotten was when I gave her a very long and sensual massage; I started a roleplay that I was this sexy, muscled masseur who was touching her all over while her boyfriend (me) waited outside. I managed to get her to moan 'he would be so jealous' and 'yes I want to feel you inside'. Stuff like that...

Regarding the 'bigger dick' angle, I have a bigger than average member that is consistently too large for her (twice the size of her ex in china, im told). We've actually stopped having sex now, sorta. It just hurts her too much. She's always said that would be scary to have bigger...buuuut at the same time, she does love big dicks. She's said its been one of the reasons she stayed with me in the past, and even asked if I would be worried about her leaving me for a better dick when I brought this up before. I think she'd have to see a guy with ripped muscles and a huge dick to make her think 'hmm...'. Haha.

As for the 'origin story', it would have to be in the first couple relationships at uni where I really fell for girls that were pretty much wanting to stay single. I'll try to keep them brief I guess haha.

One was really short and it was when I was at uni, a girl in my dorm who pretty much jumped on me as soon as she saw me, but I was a virgin and didn't satisfy her sexually at the time. Still, we dated. I remember cooking her dinner once and went to her door to let her know, only for her to pop just her head out, red in the face and out of breath, telling me to go away. It occured to me months later that she was getting fucked, I was honestly really naive, lol. She left me for someone else days after saying we could be offical. It hurt, but I also remember being surprised at myself imaging her having sex with that guy when I masturbated in the following weeks. Kinda shrugged it off as a weird one-time thought.

The other relationship was with a girl who was attending a uni in a different city, so we'd see eachother every so often. She was out clubbing and drinking 2-3 days a week and definitely sleeping around. When she moved back home from uni, we started seeing eachother properly, but she'd always be texting mysterious people, and would always bring up guys she'd slept with or hookups. It made me feel really awful because it went on for months without me ever saying anything to her about it. I was feeling jealous and made the mistake of asking if she had anyone bigger, and she compared her ex (who she had talked about before "we basically just had sex all day...") to a 9" thick dildo we had seen in a sex shop. She also mentioned some random guy from a club had made her squirt using his fingers and tongue when she never let me try either of those. Oh and apparently this happened some days after we met. Crazy. I never got to see this sexy, party side of her, she was just this sweet girl to me. It felt like I never brought any desire out of her like these other guys did.


When uni started again, she was snapchatting this guy blatantly right next to me all day and night. Then she goes on a 'girls night out', and ends up at an afters with him. Texts me that she's 'Going to bed with <guys name>', someone she has never mentioned. Time goes by and she shows up the next afternoon wearing someone elses t-shirt, and tells me they were doing coke but only 'sharing the bed, and didn't do anything'. I protested, but she turned it around on me somehow, and within a week she broke up with me over the phone on the way to a party. Hours later she would upload a photo to her Instagram with his arms around her waist as she's dressed in a sexy halloween costume.

This really fucked me up for a long time, but for a couple months before that I was already getting really aroused at the thought of her having sex with another guy. Hell, even having feelings for one. When I realised, I bought her a dildo that was a bit bigger and firmer than me. She was kinda excited to see it when I told her, and when she tried it, she came within SECONDS. It was insane to see, and it was something I could never do. I think that may have done something powerful to me.

I know it's not a 'healthy' start to the kink, but I've had a lot of time to process it, and the urge never went away.

[parklife]

I think everything sounds like it’s going well…. You just need to get over the hump so to speak…. The trip will be a great time to address it I think she sounds like shes at least open minded enough.

My only concern is that this holiday will be the last time to explore this sort of thing for a while. She's going home for an undetermined amount of time towards December, and then we've got University to worry about again in January.

I do want to say… what you present as stumbling blocks, I would suggest are just possible building blocks.. your holiday affords a time for talk and exploring both your thoughts.. her time at home could be a time to think or a time to go out for drinks with the hometown friends and notice someone’s gaze or letting her eye wander (and perhaps her mind)… and while university is definitely busy, it can also provide plenty of opportunity for creative fun.

Like I said before, things look like their primed for great steps ahead.

And don’t rely on the huge penis things…. I know many guys have that as an added level of excitement for them.. but for some women (like my own), it’s just the different that is exhilarating… it’s the ‘other’ that is exciting. My wife had a FWB smaller than me (and I’m not big) and it was some of the most intense sex she’s had. It’s not about size, so don’t push it.. it’s about new and other experiences.

[UnseriousRice]

Yeah, there's nothing to lose really. She is open minded in general, if not directly to this topic as has been hinted at before.

Hahah well yeah the big penis thing. It'd be really interesting to see how she reacts to one, but yeah honestly for her to have amazing sex, they'd need to be smaller than me too, I think. Realistically, it would be that she needs someone really attractive to her, with a big dick being a bonus if anything.
Still, it would incredibly sexy for her to have some awakening at the hands of a guy with a huge dick, lol.

I'll have a chill talk with her about it when in a few days when we're on holiday. Fingers crossed she is feeling better by then, because right now she's really sick.

[newUK]

Good luck. Patience is key. It took my Hotwife almost a year to come round to the idea.

She had lots of insecurities. Thought I was doing it as an angle to be able to play with other women was the main one.

Take a look at my very first post on my thread. It was everything she said after her first experience. She hasn’t looked back since :-)

[snoogaloo82]

No need to ask if another guy is bigger than you. If you use your member in a way that makes her blow her mind then you're doing well and will always be wanted. Asking for comparisons is definitely not the way to go about it. Ask her what she like when the two of you are feeling sexy. Ask her if there's anything she's wanted to try. And if not then try something that's new to you as I know doing it the same way every time can get very boring eventually.

[UnseriousRice]

So just an update, I forgot about this thread.

I just up and asked her one night before we left for China if she wanted to invite a guy over. She was down , and before you know it, she was comfortably in bed naked with a strangers arm around her. When I went down in her they started making out and she sucked his dick and fingered her.

He wasn't amazing since he was nervous and drunk too much, but my girlfriend really enjoyed it and she felt SO NATURAL. Was really amazing. She's down to do it again in the future, and she expressed appreciation about being able to try other guys.

So yeah, cool stuff.

[snoogaloo82]

So just an update, I forgot about this thread.

I just up and asked her one night before we left for China if she wanted to invite a guy over. She was down , and before you know it, she was comfortably in bed naked with a strangers arm around her. When I went down in her they started making out and she sucked his dick and fingered her.

He wasn't amazing since he was nervous and drunk too much, but my girlfriend really enjoyed it and she felt SO NATURAL. Was really amazing. She's down to do it again in the future, and she expressed appreciation about being able to try other guys.

So yeah, cool stuff.

How was it the second time around? You have me curious what's happening with you guys now.

[Trevose]

Glad to hear Unseriousrice.
Wishing you lots of luck. Looking forward to reading/see how you get on.