Hi from the PNW

[sg671]

New to this forum, appreciate the nuance here!

Not that concerned with categories for the sake of wearing a label, but I think they are helpful frameworks to understand “what is”… and I am recently compelled to do just that, answer the “what is this” question.

I would appreciate any insights.

Facts: married with kids for 20+yrs. Late 40s.

Most recently, my partner has had a lover (largely sapio/emotional but some sex, and a bunch of dates and a few overnighters, one vacation. Since it long distance, and has played out over a few years, the bulk of this relationship (perhaps for them, and definitely for me) exists in the imagination/fantasy zone. I have a serious case of libertarian politics when it comes to interpersonal relationships and believe in the autonomy of humans to decide free of external programming “what is” between them. Also, conveniently, I have fever levels of compersion and erotic curiosity. All to say, I’m a fan and encourage her adventures. It’s hot. And she is mostly generous with the details, which as some of you know is liquid hot erotic fuel for me.

Longer history: over the course of our 20+yr marriage my partner has “fallen in love or limerence” (semantics?) 5 or 6 times with men and woman; sadly for various reasons (some without self-permission, others without shared values) most of those relationships did not develop beyond the emotional/conversational and ended in frustration.

I have had 2-3 women that I’ve explored up to the point of needing to define/determine if I could safety play further and not harm my relationship/partner. I am curious but each opportunity was ended (either by me, or the woman) when there was not clarity and enthusiastic embrace by my partner. Two of those situations, led to intense jealously and some rage within my partner. She is not open to me exploring.

A casual, observer might point out “that’s not fair” but the question has hinged for us on my compersion and enthusiasm for her adventures (where she had no tolerance for mine) as being an Important detail and not one to wave off on the level of school-yard ethics. One thing causes great pain (her imagining me with someone else) whereas one thing cases incredible pleasure (imagining and actualizing her sex with others).

The bind:

1. on a scale of 1-100, my erotic charge from all of her exploring it is 1,000+…

2. Yet,I am curious. And midlife and with each day more willing to give voice to my own erotic curiosities.

3. And… yet if I had to pick between “getting to play/explore myself” or “hearing about and or watching/listening her explore” there is no real question, I’d rather hear about watch or listen.

While of course, other emotions exist and cycle-in/out, I can objectively say (again) that just hearing about her sex, past and present (and imagining: past/present/future) is the highest octane erotic charge on the planet for me.

What’s that make me, us?

Is this a classic stag hot wife situation (with the exception that she falls in love and the relationships are not hookups)?

What do you call this configuration given the emotional intimacy??

Would appreciate, any practical/theorhetical advice (ideally from men or women… who ideally have actually been IN this situation past or present).

Also, one last detail… my partner is gorgeous, smart, one of the best conversationalists around… and I love her not bc of those traits but for the gestalt of our 20+ year shared story and the intertwined rootedness we have.

Much therapy, exploration of my own inner world, rumination and conversation w trusted friends, suggests that we have an incredible connection and that fits with my theory that wherever and however things progress, we will be safe-harbor/ bedrock for each other going forward, hopefully till we age out of this incredible ride called life.

Can anyone relate?

Lastly, in my shoes do you try to open up both sides or simply enjoy the hearing, listening (and maybe watching)?

[leggysman]

Welcome. As you said up front, don't worry about what to call it. What might seem to work best for you is: she's a hotwife, and you're her husband.

It's not too surprising or unusual that you might fancy exploring sexual relations with others. But the difference between you two is this: You have a sharing kink, and she doesn't. You get an erotic charge out of her experiences with others, and she does not feel the same way.

She might be persuaded to tolerate you playing, for the sake of 'fairness' or whatever, but you know that she will never enjoy it. So, I would suggest just letting that go.

My wife is similar. She does not enjoy the idea of sharing me. I don't think she'd ever be able to handle that, let alone thinking it's hot. I have a profound appreciation for attractive women, but I've had lots of experience and partners in the past (many more than her), so I don't have an itch to scratch. Our one-sided openness arrangement is not egalitarian, but I don't care. I am monogamous, and my wife is a hotwife. I absolutely love that, and it gives our sex life a lot of extra heat. Who could complain?

[sg671]

Hi Leggyman -

Really appreciate your 2cents… it is extremely helpful to hear from someone who has been in this dilemma, who can appreciate the highly particular nuance of it all. Thank you.

[snoogaloo82]

hey there sg671

nice to meet another person from the pnw. i'm in a small town along the Columbia river. What state do you hail from?
my sweetie doesn't like me mixing it up with other women...not even friendly texting, so i know what you're talking about. for me the thrill of her escapades far outweighs the benefits of me enjoying other women. for me her happiness is my happiness in the long run, so i definitely go along with what she wants in the relationship. but if it's becoming hard for you to deal with the one sidedness then it's definitely time for a talk of a reassessment. feel free to write back any time.

take care,
rik