should I ask

[Newtothis9398]

Hey guys and gals

So I'm a 31 yo guy and have been having the hotwife fantasy plague my thoughts for a few years now. I've been struggling lateley whether to bring it up to my girlfriend who is by no means vanilla but has only had me as her only sexual partner.

In the past we have discussed threesoms of both types but always clarifies that she whould only do it if it were "two of you". Although she did mention she was close to having one just before she met me with a couple.

I guess my concerns are that I'm still struggling to determine if I should bring the topic up to her. I feel like if I do it could be amazing, but it also feels like there is no going back and could result in her thinking less of me.

Sorry if this is the wrong place but tried to do a search and see if this was discussed before but had no luck.

Thanks for checking our my post

[armyguyot1]

Welcome to the forum newtothis9298. Most of us have been through that. You will get advice.

[athlete915]

This is the perfect place to ask this sort of question, which is certainly valid. Don't stress about it.

Here's what I have told guys in your shoes, your first question to yourself should be how bad do you want this? Is sharing her just one of many fantasies you have, or has this become THE fantasy you seem to return to over and over again? Do you think about it in and out of the bedroom (i.e., not just when you're horny)? If you marry her and spend the rest of your life together, do you think you would look back at the end of it and regret having never at least tested the waters?

If this is just a passing fad or one of many sexual interests, it's probably not worth it. Similarly, if you only occasionally think about it, it's probably not worth it. If you think you could be satisfied having never tested the waters, it's probably not worth it.

So, do some introspection and really question yourself, and if you really want this, at least try exploring it a bit. You don't have to jump into the deep end, but you can dip a toe in at least and do so in ways that carry little relationship risk.

[Newtothis9398]

Hwy thanks for the reply!

To me it certainly feels it has become THE fantasy. It has been on my kind for quite a while now. Just noticed that I've had this account for longer than a year so its been a while now. The other thing that would lead me to believe its not just an occasional fantasy is that I rarely get "post nut clarity" over it.

She has given me an incredibly diverse sex life so Im not sure I would ever feel like I missed out, but this does feel like a higher peak than all the other things we have done. But the though of her taking it badly and not being interested is giving me pause. Or even worse if she enjoys it too much and I don't.

[hubudig2]

Being in a relationship where you can be completely open and honest with each other about all of your thoughts and feelings is quite special.
I don't think enough people strive for that or consider that it's worth striving for.
If your girlfriend had a fantasy that was "plaguing her thoughts" and she was struggling with whether to bring it up with you, what would you want her to do? Keep it to herself in case you think less of her for it? I'd assume not.
You'd probably want to help her with it regardless of how crazy it was. Chances are she would feel the same.

Obviously don't jump straight in with your deepest darkest fantasy, you can get there in smaller steps.
When you discussed threesomes before, did you tell her that you would like to involve another man?
If you did, is it possible she just thought you were being selfless and offering her what you thought she would like?
Revisit the topic (in stages if necessary) and generally try to get really comfortable talking about it.
Let her know that you sometimes find the idea of involving another man hot.
You don't have to tell her you want it to happen or what you want to happen, just break the ice a little and let her know that it's something you actually like and you aren't just selflessly offering something you think she'd like.
Sharing something you feel vulnerable about with her will give you a feeling of relief when you realise she's fine with it and she will feel happy that you trusted her enough to tell her, it often feels like a bonding moment.

It will probably take her a while to actually consider and get used to the idea but you may eventually be able to play with the idea as a shared fantasy while she's still processing the possibility of it.
I think a lot of guys leave it too long before telling their wife/girlfriend about a fantasy that's consuming them. They don't consider that they have had years to come to terms with it and that she may need some time too.

[leggysman]

Being in a relationship where you can be completely open and honest with each other about all of your thoughts and feelings is quite special.
I don't think enough people strive for that or consider that it's worth striving for.

^^ this, for sure (plus all the rest of it that I didn't quote)

You should be able to talk to one another about your fantasies and desires. Try to overcome any trepidation or shame you feel about it, and just tell her (perhaps in baby steps, as hubudig2 says, as you establish a better level of communication about these things).

Learning about any hidden turn-ons or fantasies that she has, and exploring whether she wants them to happen, and whether you can help, would be a good way to seed the ground for your own.

[Newtothis9398]

Thanks for the feedback everyone!

Im thinking on the weekend I'll being up the threesome topic again and try to focus a bit more on the other guy aspect to gauge interest. Baby steps for now.

I will let you all know how it goes!

Ps. I know got a DM with advice too but I am unable to reply so thank you to that user too!

[hubudig2]

^^ this, for sure (plus all the rest of it that I didn't quote)

Thanks man, appreciated.

Another thought:
If she reiterates that "she whould only do it if it were two of you", that offers you an even smaller step to play with.
You can tell her that you would find it hot to see a "2nd you" have his way with her.
This seems harmless and hypothetical, something that's confined to fantasy.
If she seems to like that idea, tease her with it, play with it, bring it up during sex, use toys to represent the "2nd you", give the "2nd you" a name and stop referring to him as you. Gradually that "2nd you" takes on his own persona and your shared fantasy essentially represents another guy, all the foundations are in place to take that next small step.

[athlete915]

Hwy thanks for the reply!

To me it certainly feels it has become THE fantasy. It has been on my kind for quite a while now. Just noticed that I've had this account for longer than a year so its been a while now. The other thing that would lead me to believe its not just an occasional fantasy is that I rarely get "post nut clarity" over it.

She has given me an incredibly diverse sex life so Im not sure I would ever feel like I missed out, but this does feel like a higher peak than all the other things we have done. But the though of her taking it badly and not being interested is giving me pause. Or even worse if she enjoys it too much and I don't.

My pleasure.

The fantasy was strong enough to spark your research, which led you here. After being here for over a year, you found the fantasy intense and persistent enough to make your post. In your own words, it has become "THE fantasy" for you, and it's not driven solely by my sexual arousal.

So, with all that said, I think you should go forward confidently, knowing that this is something that you genuinely want to do.

As you proceed forward, keep in mind the advice hubudig2 offered about not laying ALL your cards out on the table right away. That could potentially overwhelm her and scare her off. Instead, start with something familiar, like the threesome you have discussed.

Additionally, ask experienced cuckolds about how they started the conversation and then, importantly, tailor that to the specifics of your relationship. The best approach is whatever works for you, your girlfriend, and your relationship. There's no one-size-fits-all approach. Learn, tailor, and adapt.

Finally, spend some time considering what you want. Yes, you obviously want her to play with others, but what would that look like in practice? What type of guy do you want for her? Would you prefer one-night stands or something ongoing? Do you want to watch (always)? Essentially, what are your must-haves, want-to-haves, areas of concern, and red lines? Thinking about that stuff alone will prepare you to discuss it with her.

[zorro]

Welcome to this fascinating world of shared sexuality.

You have gotten some excellent advice, especially the one to take baby steps to allow both of you to feel out whether what is hot in fantasy feels good in reality. It may not; or it may be even hotter in reality than in fantasy.

My life experience is to keep in mind that it works best if you start with what your woman wants to explore. Once started, you two can always branch out to try other things.

Be very curious about what she is thinking and desiring. She will predictably have been fears and inhibitions. Welcome hearing them out and resist the temptation to argue her out of them. Sometimes verbalizing those negative stop thoughts can weaken them, if you leave your loved one feeling respected and validated for thinking and feeling what is her truth. Discussions over opening up usually go very slowly and unfold over a long time and much discussion.

You will predictably be tested to see how ashamed you are of your sexual urges. She may challenge you with statements like, "Do you just want me to fuck around?" to see how comfortable you are with your feelings. Respond by acknowledging that she has some discomfort about opening things up and reassuring her that you want her to do what feels right to her. That cuts out the implicit question of whether you are trying to control and direct her in a porn fantasy. As an example, you could respond, "Not if you don't want to." That brings the focus back to exploring what she desires and lets her query herself about what she does want. And above all, do not allow her to shame your feelings. If you are ashamed, she cannot feel free to drop whatever shame she has.

Similarly, you could just ask her if she wants to add another person to your love life as a couple. She might just say yes, letting you learn more about what kind of person that would be and what kind of experiences she might want. Teaming together to enter this off-limits area is the ideal, not for you to call all the shots.

Keep us informed where you find things go. There are many of us here with experience willing to support both of you in your adventure.

[Dream Weaver]

"Should I" is never the right question because the end result of any action is completely up to your personal taste. We don't know what you want. Is she marriage material? Is she a nice girlfriend, but not really "the one"? Is she a stuck up prude? Are you a stuck up prude with a taboo fetish? Will you become a jealous asshole when it's real?

So "should I" is unanswerable.

If you want to do this, the question should be "how do I" with some detail.

At the end of the day if you don't tell her (or pursue your interests) nothing will ever happen and you're just another chump watching life pass you by.