Help me understand

[CuriouserNCuriouser]

Hello everyone. I’m going to be open. I’m very nervous about posting here.
My husband and I are not incredibly active sexually. This is nothing new. Even early in our relationship he wouldn’t initiate sex with me often. For a long time I thought it was something about me. He would always tell me I’m hot or beautiful but then the lack of physical affection would confuse me.
Well after being married for 16 years and going through lots of ups and downs, 2 years ago he had the courage to tell me about his fantasy. I’m bisexual and in the past have expressed an offhand interest and support for poly relationships. So initially after this we broached things as finding me a potential bf or gf, but keeping things virtual only- chats, pictures, etc.
But he would get jealous and shut things down. Then a month or so later would initiate again. And we would try again. We posted on reddit for a while- naughty pics, nudes with no face, encourage messages. But again we would get nervous/ jealousy would bubble and back off.
To be honest I actually hate sexting. I don’t mind being flirty and sharing pics but I find sexting tedious and after having so many guys just brag about edging for hours i lose interest. Also they seemed to love calling me slut which I hate and was vocal about.
DH has respected my boundaries when I tell him things get uncomfortable and we settled into a keep it fantasy routine. He will ask me hypotheticals about going out with someone and I will play along, though if it’s via text I still feel a bit weird- uncreative etc. but recently the fantasies are ramping up and he’s seemed frustrated. I want him to be happy. I don’t think either of us is ready for a real in person interaction, but I’m nervous that if we try the chat and pic sharing again we’re going to go through the same things like a vicious cycle that just leaves us both feeling shame.
So after much trepidation I found this forum. I read a lot of the public posts. I found the courage to join and ask.
And if this doesn’t really fit in this forum I apologize. I just kind of started typing in the first area that made sense.
-no clever name yet. Just curiouser and curiouser.

[AHDog]

Just my first thoughts:

What's it like when you initiate? Sometimes that's all you need to do.

I'd be a little worried about the jealousy thing.

Have you asked him outright what he wants? Honest and frank communications can feel awkward at first but they are necessary if you ever want anything to move forward.

[AHDog]

Also, duh, welcome to the forum!

[CuriouserNCuriouser]

Just my first thoughts:

What's it like when you initiate? Sometimes that's all you need to do.

I'd be a little worried about the jealousy thing.

Have you asked him outright what he wants? Honest and frank communications can feel awkward at first but they are necessary if you ever want anything to move forward.

Thanks for replying.
I’m not the one initiating. He is. He will ask if I’m up for chatting with people or finding a “boyfriend”. Or he’ll talk about missing when we did it before.
He is the one with the fantasy, with the interest. I’m not fully averse to it, but the fact that it is his idea but then he gets jealous and shuts it down is mixed signals for me.

I enjoy being coy and flirting online. I don’t mind sharing pics if I can be sure I’m hiding enough identity. Going all the way with an in person date is too far for me especially if he goes hot and cold just from chatting.

I’m here because I want to understand and help. His apprehensions aren’t enough to make him dismiss the idea because he comes back to it. So what can I do to help give him what he needs.

[HotwifeLatam]

It's really complex, I don't fully understand it either.

[Gearup]

He doesn't initiate enough to your liking but do you initiate? why wait for him? Jump his bones and see if he responds - my experience - guys love horny sexualized girls who initiate sex

[sc7557]

Hello everyone. I’m going to be open. I’m very nervous about posting here.
My husband and I are not incredibly active sexually. This is nothing new. Even early in our relationship he wouldn’t initiate sex with me often. For a long time I thought it was something about me. He would always tell me I’m hot or beautiful but then the lack of physical affection would confuse me.
Well after being married for 16 years and going through lots of ups and downs, 2 years ago he had the courage to tell me about his fantasy. I’m bisexual and in the past have expressed an offhand interest and support for poly relationships. So initially after this we broached things as finding me a potential bf or gf, but keeping things virtual only- chats, pictures, etc.
But he would get jealous and shut things down. Then a month or so later would initiate again. And we would try again. We posted on reddit for a while- naughty pics, nudes with no face, encourage messages. But again we would get nervous/ jealousy would bubble and back off.
To be honest I actually hate sexting. I don’t mind being flirty and sharing pics but I find sexting tedious and after having so many guys just brag about edging for hours i lose interest. Also they seemed to love calling me slut which I hate and was vocal about.
DH has respected my boundaries when I tell him things get uncomfortable and we settled into a keep it fantasy routine. He will ask me hypotheticals about going out with someone and I will play along, though if it’s via text I still feel a bit weird- uncreative etc. but recently the fantasies are ramping up and he’s seemed frustrated. I want him to be happy. I don’t think either of us is ready for a real in person interaction, but I’m nervous that if we try the chat and pic sharing again we’re going to go through the same things like a vicious cycle that just leaves us both feeling shame.
So after much trepidation I found this forum. I read a lot of the public posts. I found the courage to join and ask.
And if this doesn’t really fit in this forum I apologize. I just kind of started typing in the first area that made sense.
-no clever name yet. Just curiouser and curiouser.

Just take it slow, no shame if it brings pleasure. Let's chat some time

[Mikay19]

I agree with Gearup, make the move on him and see where it takes you.

A few thoughts from a man's perspective and from a lot of reading...

1) The thought of him seeing you with another man is a major turn on.
2) He wants to break out and take a chance, but his imbedded synapses are very cemented. Mine came from religion.
3) It may be a test to see how much you are wanting to do this. Unfortunately, if that is the case then he is relating how much you want to do it with
how much you love him. It is not purposeful but rather an insecurity. He may not even recognize it.
4) If he is anything like me, I have always played it safe. I always weigh risk with reward. I am certainly not telling either of you to just do it, but sometimes you have to throw out the risk/reward factor. However, I still live the majority of my life like this.
5) Maybe start with some strict rules to ease his mind.
6) Get the audible recording of "Insatiable Wives" and listen to it together. Knowledge is power.

Cheers,

[Deeperlove1369]

It's really complex, I don't fully understand it either.

I gotchu girl. I'll share again, if you feel it too, I don't have to explain it. If you do not feel it too, I cannot explain it. It just is.

That being said, do a ton of research, there's more than ample articles, studies, and books. Understand the word compersion. Read on the term "Sperm Competition".

[Deeperlove1369]

Hello everyone. I’m going to be open. I’m very nervous about posting here.
My husband and I are not incredibly active sexually. This is nothing new. Even early in our relationship he wouldn’t initiate sex with me often. For a long time I thought it was something about me. He would always tell me I’m hot or beautiful but then the lack of physical affection would confuse me.
Well after being married for 16 years and going through lots of ups and downs, 2 years ago he had the courage to tell me about his fantasy. I’m bisexual and in the past have expressed an offhand interest and support for poly relationships. So initially after this we broached things as finding me a potential bf or gf, but keeping things virtual only- chats, pictures, etc.
But he would get jealous and shut things down. Then a month or so later would initiate again. And we would try again. We posted on reddit for a while- naughty pics, nudes with no face, encourage messages. But again we would get nervous/ jealousy would bubble and back off.
To be honest I actually hate sexting. I don’t mind being flirty and sharing pics but I find sexting tedious and after having so many guys just brag about edging for hours i lose interest. Also they seemed to love calling me slut which I hate and was vocal about.
DH has respected my boundaries when I tell him things get uncomfortable and we settled into a keep it fantasy routine. He will ask me hypotheticals about going out with someone and I will play along, though if it’s via text I still feel a bit weird- uncreative etc. but recently the fantasies are ramping up and he’s seemed frustrated. I want him to be happy. I don’t think either of us is ready for a real in person interaction, but I’m nervous that if we try the chat and pic sharing again we’re going to go through the same things like a vicious cycle that just leaves us both feeling shame.
So after much trepidation I found this forum. I read a lot of the public posts. I found the courage to join and ask.
And if this doesn’t really fit in this forum I apologize. I just kind of started typing in the first area that made sense.
-no clever name yet. Just curiouser and curiouser.

Hotwife hubby here. May I ask your ages? I am full compersion, unconditional and unlimited...I'll literally do whatever gets my HW wet. I loved the fantasy, but was blown away when we made it a reality. I had this fantasy my entire life, never had the courage to tell anybody as society has taught us what being a man is. I finally put myself out there when I was in my 40s and it took years to convince my wife I was sincere and didn't have ulterior motives and it not only increased our sex life 1,000 times, it made everything in life better. For me, jealousy isn't an issue at all, but it would have been just a few years earlier. If he has jealousy, this will be a very tough road even though he is the one that wants it. If he's all ramped up when the hormones are screaming, but then has second thoughts after he cums and the hormones have settled down, this may be a road best not traveled until he can gain more confidence, trust, and compersion. I suggest you 2 do a whole lot of talking, lay it all on the line and hold nothing back. Then, do several months of role-playing (read "The Faithful Hotwife"). You may find that role-playing is all you need, maybe not. Better question is what do you want?

[davecarnality]

If I could ask some help myself. The word "compersion" escapes me. What does it mean?

[Restarting]

If I could ask some help myself. The word "compersion" escapes me. What does it mean?

I'd describe compersion as feeling good about another person's good fortune.