Is this lifestyle an alternative to divorce?

[Libertine_Lark]

Provocative title… but a serious question.

With all the discussion regarding compersion and this lifestyle being about “her pleasure”, has anyone here ever wondered if (deep down) we husbands know that one or both partners are engaging in this behavior to stave off the inevitable decline of passion, romance, novelty, or worse?

Simply put, is it possible that we feel so much love and empathy for our spouse that we want them to find passion with another — knowing that it simply wouldn’t be possible within the construct of your vanilla arrangement? And because we love our spouses deeply, we subconsciously craft this “kink” to save our wives from the inevitable relationship doldrums that we, ourselves, privately suffer from. By extension, this encouraging our wives to wander is nothing more than a prophylactic for the threats of boredom and contempt that loom menacingly just over the horizon.

In other words, maybe we push our wives into this because we genuinely love them and know the path they are on (with us) is not the best version of themselves… Or perhaps we know (subconsciously) we could both be happier with someone else and are actively facilitating their emotional departure in order to soften the impact of possible separation.

Thoughts?

LL

[Long Lurker 34]

LL
- Not in the LS in any way, but I've often pondered that HWing could be potential means for a couple who have no interest in separating, though have different outside interests such as hiking, biking, stamp collecting, the arts, you name it. So they could still have their different interests and if a long term arrangement was possible both have away to be satisfied.
- Also wonder about keeping together because they do love one another but are apart due to work with HWing providing a dual or would it be triple means of intimacy.

[venus-can99]

LL - I am not in the LS either but from reading various posts on this website it appears that if there are some deep rooted issues in the relationship this LS may actually lead to divorce/separation (IIRC posts by OrlandoCpl emphasizes this). OTOH if a marriage is secure and there is trust, this LS may actually enhance the love between the couple.

[Cdncuck]

Provocative title… but a serious question.

With all the discussion regarding compersion and this lifestyle being about “her pleasure”, has anyone here ever wondered if (deep down) we husbands know that one or both partners are engaging in this behavior to stave off the inevitable decline of passion, romance, novelty, or worse?

Simply put, is it possible that we feel so much love and empathy for our spouse that we want them to find passion with another — knowing that it simply wouldn’t be possible within the construct of your vanilla arrangement? And because we love our spouses deeply, we subconsciously craft this “kink” to save our wives from the inevitable relationship doldrums that we, ourselves, privately suffer from. By extension, this encouraging our wives to wander is nothing more than a prophylactic for the threats of boredom and contempt that loom menacingly just over the horizon.

In other words, maybe we push our wives into this because we genuinely love them and know the path they are on (with us) is not the best version of themselves… Or perhaps we know (subconsciously) we could both be happier with someone else and are actively facilitating their emotional departure in order to soften the impact of possible separation.

Thoughts?

LL

Can't speak for others but in our case the answer would be no. The way we see it, participating in the LS is supposed to enhance the sexual experience for both of us. Additionally, a bonus dividend is it improves our relationship overall, in and out of the bedroom.

If a relationship is in trouble, adding other people to the bedroom will just screw it up more. Hotwifing will not improve a marriage in trouble. You have to have your mental and emotional ducks in a row to be in this life. Your relationship has to be solid going in.

That's our take on it. Other folks might feel different about it.

[leggysman]

I think maybe that's just a negative way to frame something that could just as easily be viewed as positive.

My wife and I do things all the time, just to make the other happy (or at least to avoid making the other unhappy ) Could you say we do these things to avoid divorce? Sure, I guess so. But you could also say we care about one another, and just want to enjoy a happy marriage.

Does hotwifing spice up our lives? Sure! It follows that, without it - or some other alternative - our marriage would be less spicy. I don't think it means we'd be in the doldrums and heading for a split. We had a very good sex life in the 9 years before hotwifing.

For us it's a bonus, not a crutch.

[Libertine_Lark]

I think maybe that's just a negative way to frame something that could just as easily be viewed as positive.

I think you are correct. Maybe two sides of the same coin — one negative and one positive.

LL

[Parsifal]

Good question. Reading it literally, I understand it to ask if couples can rescue a marriage on the rocks by agreeing to date other people. I don't have any personal experience with this kind of predicament; but from what I've read, opening a failing marriage will more often than not expedite its inevitable demise. Were I to reframe your question to ask whether one can divorce-proof an already strong marriage by expanding sexual boundaries, then I can answer affirmatively with more personal insight. To be sure, there are considerable variables that factor into that generalization - compersion, transparency, love, mutual respect, general compatibility in the other essential aspects of successful cohabitation, etc. But if those stars align, and the art of sharing common spaces and mutual dependability gets locked in, despite the vissisitudes of fate, I believe a couple will place the marriage on a long term trajectory that will keep their love life fresh by including outside sex partners and thereby avoid the ennui that can be so stultifying of personal and collective growth within an otherwise healthy relationship.

[Bryce 69]

No it is not and if your not committed strong couples that's where it will take you

[Libertine_Lark]

Good question. Reading it literally, I understand it to ask if couples can rescue a marriage on the rocks by agreeing to date other people. I don't have any personal experience with this kind of predicament; but from what I've read, opening a failing marriage will more often than not expedite its inevitable demise. Were I to reframe your question to ask whether one can divorce-proof an already strong marriage by expanding sexual boundaries, then I can answer affirmatively with more personal insight. To be sure, there are considerable variables that factor into that generalization - compersion, transparency, love, mutual respect, general compatibility in the other essential aspects of successful cohabitation, etc. But if those stars align, and the art of sharing common spaces and mutual dependability gets locked in, despite the vissisitudes of fate, I believe a couple will place the marriage on a long term trajectory that will keep their love life fresh by including outside sex partners and thereby avoid the ennui that can be so stultifying of personal and collective growth within an otherwise healthy relationship.

Your reframed question addresses (precisely) the spirit of my post. Having enjoyed a successful, albeit a short-lived, experience in this lifestyle, I often wonder why we did it and why I want to do it again. My wife’s consensual affair lasted six months and it super-charged our relationship in a variety of positive ways. I just wonder, in retrospect, why we did what we did. And more importantly, whether or not we should continue doing it…

All that said, thank you for the thoughtful response!

LL

[veub]

I would think the number of people on here who are on their second or more marriages would give a clue as to the answer to your question.

[stubbyhubby]

100% yes for us.

We were on our way to divorce after 4 months because she was sexually unhappy. I suggested she sleep with someone else (almost all of my girlfriends had) and she resisted at first, but I pointed out that if we divorced she was going to sleep with someone else anyway, so why not try it and see if it helped anything. After a day to think on it she agreed and a day later my best friend fucked her, gave her her first orgasm and her first creampie.

The next day she was on Cloud 9. Smiling, giddy, kissing me...clearly very happy with her decision. The first words out of her mouth were "you were right" which led to an honest discussion that included me agreeing she should sleep with whoever she wanted, whenever she wanted and confirming that I accepted she wasn't fucking me anymore and I wasn't allowed to fuck anyone else. The words separation and divorce never came up again and we just celebrated our 32nd anniversary.

[carolinacuck]

I think the answer to the question depends upon whether the wife is sexually frustrated with her husband's sexual performance....maybe due to lack of size (in our case) or some other issue. Non sexual issues are a different story.