hardk wrote: ↑Tue Mar 11, 2025 2:34 pm
Hey man, I can really relate to what you’re going through. It’s a tough line to walk between fantasy and reality, and I think a lot of us who have been deep into this kink eventually reach that moment where we ask ourselves, *do we really want to take this step?*
For me, I had this kink before meeting my wife. It came up fairly early in our relationship and naturally became a part of our sex life as a fantasy. Like you, it would wax and wane, but generally, our trajectory was toward more exploration. Over the years, the fantasy became more central, and eventually, I felt like testing the waters in reality. By the time we were at this crossroads, we had been together for 12 years and married for 8.
So, I started encouraging her more. Like your wife, she dipped her toes into the dating apps—she engaged, but it was clear she wasn’t entirely comfortable with it. In hindsight, I think it was less about the actual interactions and more about me *knowing* she was engaging with other men that made her feel self-conscious. Eventually, I dropped it, she seemed to stop using the apps, and we figured we’d just keep it fantasy. 
Around this time, though, she also became increasingly busy with work. The workload increase was gradual and insidious, not a sudden shift, but over time, she seemed to have more meetings, work events, and late nights. A lot of it was legitimate—her job required a lot from her—but I also noticed small changes in her personal habits. She was on her phone more often, sometimes for what she said was work, and given her career, that wasn’t unrealistic. However, she also started clearing her internet history and taking her phone with her into the bathroom or bedroom alone more frequently. At first, I didn’t think much of it, but soon, she was spending a ridiculous amount of time on her phone. Meetings, late nights, and work events started piling up. I also noticed changes in how she carried herself. She was on her phone more often, sometimes brushing off conversations with me as she checked notifications. 
She became more confident, but also more distracted and, at times, snappy with me. She didn’t become emotionally distant in a direct way, but she started showing a much bigger interest in her single friends who were actively dating. She would spend a lot of time on the phone with them, giving them "advice" about dating, which struck me as odd. Her style also began shifting—she was always focused on her appearance, but gradually, she started dressing sexier and engaging more openly with men in social settings, becoming more flirty and talkative in ways that felt different than before. 
The kink that had once been a central part of our intimacy started fading from our conversations. When she did engage, her approach shifted—she started referencing past relationships more, openly commenting on how past men were better at oral sex or better with their fingers. During sex, she would tell me to change angles to fuck her in ways her past boyfriends had, as if she was trying to recreate those experiences from before we were together. She even subtly tried to coach me into replicating their techniques. This was gradual but new behaviour from years prior. 
But at the same time, her attitude toward our kink became erratic. Sometimes she would strongly condemn it, acting as if it was ridiculous or even wrong, while at other times she would initiate fantasy talk herself, being enthusiastic about it. She would occasionally blame me for having the kink, saying that I was 'messing up her head' and making her think in ways she didn’t want to. It felt like she was battling between what she was feeling and what she thought she should feel, and rather than owning that struggle, she placed it on me. This contradiction made it even more difficult to understand where she truly stood. It was bizarre, confusing, and frustrating, making it hard to tell where she truly stood. It felt like she was mentally elsewhere, though at the time, I tried to rationalize it as just work stress and personal growth. 
Looking back, this was when the shift from fantasy to reality had fully taking place, even if I didn’t realize it yet. 
But here’s the kicker—two years later, she admitted she had never actually stopped using the apps.
Five months after initially signing up, she had started seeing two guys and was sleeping with them—a firefighter and a guy who was 15 years her senior. The betrayal hit hard, not because we had a bad marriage or because she was unhappy—our relationship wasn’t on the rocks, and we weren’t struggling in any classical sense. But when she admitted it, I was hit with a storm of emotions—hurt, shock, and even arousal. It was a clusterfuck unlike anything I had ever felt. The hand I held had been wrapped around other cocks. The legs that touched mine as my wife slept in bed had been spread for other men. Her naked body had been enjoyed by others, and all of it happened in a way that wasn’t controlled or planned by me. It was wrong of her, but it was also more complicated than simple cheating. Over time, as we talked, we sorted out the errors in how we both acted and thought, but one truth remains that I must own: I introduced her to this world. If I hadn’t opened this door, I truly believe, based on how my wife was before all this, that it never would have been opened. We had open communication, intimacy, and a strong foundation, which is why this direction after introducing the apps was so unexpected, nothing prior to the app use forshadowed this. I know many hearing this story would assume this couldn't be the case, but it was...
The reality of what we had fantasized about played out in a way I never expected, and it felt like a complete departure from the path I thought we were on. When we talked about it, she explained that in her mind, she couldn’t reconcile my desire for her to sleep with other men with her role as a wife. To be comfortable with it, she felt the need to assume a different role—one separate from how she saw herself in our marriage. It was as if she had to compartmentalize her actions, adopting a mindset where she wasn’t my wife in those moments, just someone fulfilling a primal desire. This internal conflict made it difficult for her to engage openly, leading to secrecy instead of shared exploration. She said she felt awkward when I was aware of her app use—like she had to *perform* for me, like she was being watched and analyzed. But at the same time, the idea of extramarital sex had taken root, and the desire became irresistible to her. It wasn't just about curiosity anymore—it was as if a switch had flipped, and she needed to experience it for herself, without the constraints of my awareness or participation. The result? She ended up going through with it—but in secret. She navigated this world on her own terms, without my influence or expectations, which in some ways made it feel more authentic for her. It was no longer just fulfilling a fantasy we had together; it became a personal exploration that she felt she had to keep separate from our marriage. That division—between the wife I knew and the person she became in those moments—was something I never foresaw, and it completely changed the way I understood what we had set in motion.
What I learned the hard way is that dating apps are a Pandora’s box. Once they’re in play, you can’t go back. The fantasy is controlled, safe, and exciting, but it operates within a framework that you define together. Reality? It breaks those boundaries, exposing each person to influences, emotions, and temptations beyond what either of you initially imagined. The transition from one to the other is not seamless—it alters the power dynamics of the relationship, reshapes identities, and forces both partners to confront deep-seated truths about desire, trust, and autonomy. It’s messy, unpredictable, and doesn’t always unfold how you expect. The excitement of exploration can quickly be replaced with confusion, insecurity, and unexpected consequences. Once real-world experience enters the equation, the fantasy itself changes—often irreversibly—because now it is tied to actual memories, actions, and emotional shifts that can’t be undone. She has felt the raw weight of another man's body pressing into hers as a married woman. She has texted them in secret, felt the rush of anticipation, the thrill of sneaking away to meet them, the adrenaline of stepping into a hotel room as a wife knowing exactly what would happen next.
 The first time she opened the app, scrolling with hesitation, laughing at absurd profiles, shaking her head at crude messages. It was lighthearted, controlled, something we explored together in the safety of our home. She was unsure, playful, and distant from the reality of what it could lead to. Back then, it was just an app, just words on a screen, just an extension of our fantasy. But once she has had an account that digital curiosity is planted and something more tangible is just a few text messages away. 
In many ways, the first truly interested text message from her on the app was just as much of a barrier broken as the first time she let another man push himself inside her married pussy, there was no going back. 
Here is the reality my friend. The moment when she stops just laughing at absurd profiles and crude messages, when she reads something that makes her pause—makes her consider responding instead of dismissing. That first message she sends with real intent, even if it seemed casual without expectation at the time, is the first real step into this. From that moment forward, everything is changed. 
The past is now stained with the knowledge that when she looks at me, she carries those experiences with her, tucked away, permanent, unerasable. The psychological weight of that shift is what makes crossing this line so dangerous and thrilling.
If I could go back, I’d seriously reconsider pushing for reality. That’s not to say it can’t work, but once you cross that line, you’re in a whole different world. Like you said, *“am I crazy, have I taken this too far?”*—I remember asking myself those exact questions. You sound like you have a great marriage and a strong bond, so my advice would be to tread carefully. Communicate openly, yes, but also make sure you’re both truly comfortable before taking another step.
Curious to see how things unfold for you. Keep us posted.
. She said to me this week that she wants it to be organic….. whatever that means. Anyway, that’s an update on the situation, she hasn’t deleted the app yet, but we will see.