Question about Jealousy

[Parsifal]

Not jealousy. Frustration. Compersion involves transference, which inevitably drags the ego along. One can never project oneself into another without taking at least a sliver of oneself along for the ride. So when that happens, the self becomes infected with her lusts for the other. Your lust for another is a shadow of her lust for another. Imagine if she stopped the hotwifing cold turkey. Do that thought experiment. Cut off the source of derivative energy. Would the phenomenon persist, of you lusting for someone else? If so, you're just horny like she is. Or would the energy for it dry up, because your desire for an outside lover is derivative of hers? I suspect it would be the latter. And if so what you feel is frustration, not out of jealousy, a feeling grounded in some insecurity in relation to a perceived diminished sense of self. Rather, the shadow desire that arises out of the empathetic dynamic you have with your wife is simply unrequited lust. Either convince her to let you swing or just manage it, as regrettably I sometimes must. (I feel your pain)

[Cherrypopper+]

My husband and I were discussing jealousy just last night. He tells me that he still feels jealousy and we are nearing our 70s. He explains that if the jealousy ever completely went away, it would not be nearly as exciting.
When we were younger he was not very jealous sexually but was very worried about me developing feelings for another man. Now he encourages it even though he admits it still makes him jealous. Since I lost my last long term lover who I thought of as my co-husband, I have just had sex with a young guy but I do hope to have another "co-husband" soon. I love my husband but I discovered years ago that I am happiest when I have another man in my life. Not just for sex but to love and for him to love me. My husband is fine with it and even encourages me.

[coastalkid]

Have things gotten better?

[Anonymousrob]

Well, it’s been a while but she’s on her first date in like 8 months. I know she’s already been fucked and filled once. Now they are off to dinner and who knows what else. Not really sure how I feel about the lifestyle anymore, but I promised her she could go on this date tonight and do an overnight at least once. Really apprehensive about that for sure. We shall see

[coastalkid]

Well, it’s been a while but she’s on her first date in like 8 months. I know she’s already been fucked and filled once. Now they are off to dinner and who knows what else. Not really sure how I feel about the lifestyle anymore, but I promised her she could go on this date tonight and do an overnight at least once. Really apprehensive about that for sure. We shall see

It sounds like you are not really into it. I can totally understand. You've been more than fair about giving this a try and you just aren't as excited by as you once were. By now I'm sure you've discussed how you feel about it with her. I'm also sure she senses your reluctance.

Tonight will be pivotal. You'll find out lots of things. If she can't enjoy herself because she's dwelling on how you are taking it, then she may come away from it as an unfulfilling experience. If she does enjoy herself and returns expecting you didn't enjoy her overnight experience then she may be reluctant to share her enthusiasm for fear of upsetting you. If she returns and she is oblivious to your reluctance and can't contain her enthusiasm and goes on and on about her fun, then you'll feel the pressure even more. If she returns and sees that you are deeply affected she may shut down herself and be afraid she's ruined things for herself and you.

One way or another, after tonight a lot will be on the table. Because of you being unsure and her knowing that, a lot will be revealed by how she responds to you. What do you want to happen? Is there any scenario that you can think of that will encourage you to stay with it? How do you think she'll react if you tell her there's no joy in it for you?

[Anonymousrob]

Well, it’s been a while but she’s on her first date in like 8 months. I know she’s already been fucked and filled once. Now they are off to dinner and who knows what else. Not really sure how I feel about the lifestyle anymore, but I promised her she could go on this date tonight and do an overnight at least once. Really apprehensive about that for sure. We shall see

It sounds like you are not really into it. I can totally understand. You've been more than fair about giving this a try and you just aren't as excited by as you once were. By now I'm sure you've discussed how you feel about it with her. I'm also sure she senses your reluctance.

Tonight will be pivotal. You'll find out lots of things. If she can't enjoy herself because she's dwelling on how you are taking it, then she may come away from it as an unfulfilling experience. If she does enjoy herself and returns expecting you didn't enjoy her overnight experience then she may be reluctant to share her enthusiasm for fear of upsetting you. If she returns and she is oblivious to your reluctance and can't contain her enthusiasm and goes on and on about her fun, then you'll feel the pressure even more. If she returns and sees that you are deeply affected she may shut down herself and be afraid she's ruined things for herself and you.

One way or another, after tonight a lot will be on the table. Because of you being unsure and her knowing that, a lot will be revealed by how she responds to you. What do you want to happen? Is there any scenario that you can think of that will encourage you to stay with it? How do you think she'll react if you tell her there's no joy in it for you?

Honestly not really sure. Tonight wasn’t the overnight. Tonight was just a play date. While she was gone, I did my best not to think about it because the process still turns me on. But I do get jealous, which I know is part of this whole thing and so I’ve learned to deal with that aspect of it. I really want her to take on a more dominant role (with me) while she’s out with others; i.e.: be vocally dominant, cage me, maybe some verbal humiliation (all in fun). Sadly she is not interested in that stuff at all. I honestly don’t know that I am but in theory it sounds super hot so I want to try it.

If you’ve followed our story at all, you’ll know that I am not allowed to play at all, except obviously with her, and she is allowed. It’s kind of like one-sided polyamory. We’ve had some discussions and explorations on that topic and we’ve come to some neutral ground I believe. But it is still one-sided, so I’m hoping that if 1) im not involved in the dates, 2) i dont get to watch, and 3) I dont get to have any extracurricular fun of my own, then at least maybe she will attempt to go a little dominant so that I at least get something out of the whole situation.

She’s home now and she loved the date, after the initial awkwardness because of such a long break between the last time they met. We fucked and it was good and she was a little more vocal but nothing out of the ordinary for us. Who knows what will come of it.

I’m not even sure what I am hoping will happen.

[coastalkid]

Well, it’s been a while but she’s on her first date in like 8 months. I know she’s already been fucked and filled once. Now they are off to dinner and who knows what else. Not really sure how I feel about the lifestyle anymore, but I promised her she could go on this date tonight and do an overnight at least once. Really apprehensive about that for sure. We shall see

It sounds like you are not really into it. I can totally understand. You've been more than fair about giving this a try and you just aren't as excited by as you once were. By now I'm sure you've discussed how you feel about it with her. I'm also sure she senses your reluctance.

Tonight will be pivotal. You'll find out lots of things. If she can't enjoy herself because she's dwelling on how you are taking it, then she may come away from it as an unfulfilling experience. If she does enjoy herself and returns expecting you didn't enjoy her overnight experience then she may be reluctant to share her enthusiasm for fear of upsetting you. If she returns and she is oblivious to your reluctance and can't contain her enthusiasm and goes on and on about her fun, then you'll feel the pressure even more. If she returns and sees that you are deeply affected she may shut down herself and be afraid she's ruined things for herself and you.

One way or another, after tonight a lot will be on the table. Because of you being unsure and her knowing that, a lot will be revealed by how she responds to you. What do you want to happen? Is there any scenario that you can think of that will encourage you to stay with it? How do you think she'll react if you tell her there's no joy in it for you?

Honestly not really sure. Tonight wasn’t the overnight. Tonight was just a play date. While she was gone, I did my best not to think about it because the process still turns me on. But I do get jealous, which I know is part of this whole thing and so I’ve learned to deal with that aspect of it. I really want her to take on a more dominant role (with me) while she’s out with others; i.e.: be vocally dominant, cage me, maybe some verbal humiliation (all in fun). Sadly she is not interested in that stuff at all. I honestly don’t know that I am but in theory it sounds super hot so I want to try it.

If you’ve followed our story at all, you’ll know that I am not allowed to play at all, except obviously with her, and she is allowed. It’s kind of like one-sided polyamory. We’ve had some discussions and explorations on that topic and we’ve come to some neutral ground I believe. But it is still one-sided, so I’m hoping that if 1) im not involved in the dates, 2) i dont get to watch, and 3) I dont get to have any extracurricular fun of my own, then at least maybe she will attempt to go a little dominant so that I at least get something out of the whole situation.

She’s home now and she loved the date, after the initial awkwardness because of such a long break between the last time they met. We fucked and it was good and she was a little more vocal but nothing out of the ordinary for us. Who knows what will come of it.

I’m not even sure what I am hoping will happen.

I know it's only my opinion so take that for what it's worth.

Once you become numb to the jealousy that thrill will be gone. She will still have her thrill. Eventually, you'll become numb to her time away she spends with her lovers. She isn't interested in what you want or need enough to sacrifice herself for the benefit of keeping you thrilled. She wants you to learn to accept that she doesn't want you to have the freedom she has and simply deal with the one-sided nature of the situation.

She's going to have to realize that if SHE doesn't do something about it, either give you your freedom or give you the things you want, then this will lead to hard feelings and even harder times. The cheerleaders will say you should let her have her way and that you should learn to ignore your feelings. You already know that doesn't work for you.

The ball is really in her court. Sure, you could call a stop to it all but it would probably have some fallout that you don't really want. She needs to know what you're getting out it and see that you get it. It seems totally foolish for wife not to be able to instantly say what their husband gets out of her situation. And it seems totally foolish if a wife can't tell if her husband is satisfied with how things are. And no matter what anyone says, why go on if it's not fun? My personal opinion FWIW is that the pressure and responsibility is on your wife.

[Anonymousrob]

Well, it’s been a while but she’s on her first date in like 8 months. I know she’s already been fucked and filled once. Now they are off to dinner and who knows what else. Not really sure how I feel about the lifestyle anymore, but I promised her she could go on this date tonight and do an overnight at least once. Really apprehensive about that for sure. We shall see

It sounds like you are not really into it. I can totally understand. You've been more than fair about giving this a try and you just aren't as excited by as you once were. By now I'm sure you've discussed how you feel about it with her. I'm also sure she senses your reluctance.

Tonight will be pivotal. You'll find out lots of things. If she can't enjoy herself because she's dwelling on how you are taking it, then she may come away from it as an unfulfilling experience. If she does enjoy herself and returns expecting you didn't enjoy her overnight experience then she may be reluctant to share her enthusiasm for fear of upsetting you. If she returns and she is oblivious to your reluctance and can't contain her enthusiasm and goes on and on about her fun, then you'll feel the pressure even more. If she returns and sees that you are deeply affected she may shut down herself and be afraid she's ruined things for herself and you.

One way or another, after tonight a lot will be on the table. Because of you being unsure and her knowing that, a lot will be revealed by how she responds to you. What do you want to happen? Is there any scenario that you can think of that will encourage you to stay with it? How do you think she'll react if you tell her there's no joy in it for you?

Honestly not really sure. Tonight wasn’t the overnight. Tonight was just a play date. While she was gone, I did my best not to think about it because the process still turns me on. But I do get jealous, which I know is part of this whole thing and so I’ve learned to deal with that aspect of it. I really want her to take on a more dominant role (with me) while she’s out with others; i.e.: be vocally dominant, cage me, maybe some verbal humiliation (all in fun). Sadly she is not interested in that stuff at all. I honestly don’t know that I am but in theory it sounds super hot so I want to try it.

If you’ve followed our story at all, you’ll know that I am not allowed to play at all, except obviously with her, and she is allowed. It’s kind of like one-sided polyamory. We’ve had some discussions and explorations on that topic and we’ve come to some neutral ground I believe. But it is still one-sided, so I’m hoping that if 1) im not involved in the dates, 2) i dont get to watch, and 3) I dont get to have any extracurricular fun of my own, then at least maybe she will attempt to go a little dominant so that I at least get something out of the whole situation.

She’s home now and she loved the date, after the initial awkwardness because of such a long break between the last time they met. We fucked and it was good and she was a little more vocal but nothing out of the ordinary for us. Who knows what will come of it.

I’m not even sure what I am hoping will happen.

I know it's only my opinion so take that for what it's worth.

Once you become numb to the jealousy that thrill will be gone. She will still have her thrill. Eventually, you'll become numb to her time away she spends with her lovers. She isn't interested in what you want or need enough to sacrifice herself for the benefit of keeping you thrilled. She wants you to learn to accept that she doesn't want you to have the freedom she has and simply deal with the one-sided nature of the situation.

She's going to have to realize that if SHE doesn't do something about it, either give you your freedom or give you the things you want, then this will lead to hard feelings and even harder times. The cheerleaders will say you should let her have her way and that you should learn to ignore your feelings. You already know that doesn't work for you.

The ball is really in her court. Sure, you could call a stop to it all but it would probably have some fallout that you don't really want. She needs to know what you're getting out it and see that you get it. It seems totally foolish for wife not to be able to instantly say what their husband gets out of her situation. And it seems totally foolish if a wife can't tell if her husband is satisfied with how things are. And no matter what anyone says, why go on if it's not fun? My personal opinion FWIW is that the pressure and responsibility is on your wife.

That’s very insightful. Thanks!

[Long Lurker 34]

It sounds like you are not really into it. I can totally understand. You've been more than fair about giving this a try and you just aren't as excited by as you once were. By now I'm sure you've discussed how you feel about it with her. I'm also sure she senses your reluctance.

Tonight will be pivotal. You'll find out lots of things. If she can't enjoy herself because she's dwelling on how you are taking it, then she may come away from it as an unfulfilling experience. If she does enjoy herself and returns expecting you didn't enjoy her overnight experience then she may be reluctant to share her enthusiasm for fear of upsetting you. If she returns and she is oblivious to your reluctance and can't contain her enthusiasm and goes on and on about her fun, then you'll feel the pressure even more. If she returns and sees that you are deeply affected she may shut down herself and be afraid she's ruined things for herself and you.

One way or another, after tonight a lot will be on the table. Because of you being unsure and her knowing that, a lot will be revealed by how she responds to you. What do you want to happen? Is there any scenario that you can think of that will encourage you to stay with it? How do you think she'll react if you tell her there's no joy in it for you?

Honestly not really sure. Tonight wasn’t the overnight. Tonight was just a play date. While she was gone, I did my best not to think about it because the process still turns me on. But I do get jealous, which I know is part of this whole thing and so I’ve learned to deal with that aspect of it. I really want her to take on a more dominant role (with me) while she’s out with others; i.e.: be vocally dominant, cage me, maybe some verbal humiliation (all in fun). Sadly she is not interested in that stuff at all. I honestly don’t know that I am but in theory it sounds super hot so I want to try it.

If you’ve followed our story at all, you’ll know that I am not allowed to play at all, except obviously with her, and she is allowed. It’s kind of like one-sided polyamory. We’ve had some discussions and explorations on that topic and we’ve come to some neutral ground I believe. But it is still one-sided, so I’m hoping that if 1) im not involved in the dates, 2) i dont get to watch, and 3) I dont get to have any extracurricular fun of my own, then at least maybe she will attempt to go a little dominant so that I at least get something out of the whole situation.

She’s home now and she loved the date, after the initial awkwardness because of such a long break between the last time they met. We fucked and it was good and she was a little more vocal but nothing out of the ordinary for us. Who knows what will come of it.

I’m not even sure what I am hoping will happen.

I know it's only my opinion so take that for what it's worth.

Once you become numb to the jealousy that thrill will be gone. She will still have her thrill. Eventually, you'll become numb to her time away she spends with her lovers. She isn't interested in what you want or need enough to sacrifice herself for the benefit of keeping you thrilled. She wants you to learn to accept that she doesn't want you to have the freedom she has and simply deal with the one-sided nature of the situation.

She's going to have to realize that if SHE doesn't do something about it, either give you your freedom or give you the things you want, then this will lead to hard feelings and even harder times. The cheerleaders will say you should let her have her way and that you should learn to ignore your feelings. You already know that doesn't work for you.

The ball is really in her court. Sure, you could call a stop to it all but it would probably have some fallout that you don't really want. She needs to know what you're getting out it and see that you get it. It seems totally foolish for wife not to be able to instantly say what their husband gets out of her situation. And it seems totally foolish if a wife can't tell if her husband is satisfied with how things are. And no matter what anyone says, why go on if it's not fun? My personal opinion FWIW is that the pressure and responsibility is on your wife.

That’s very insightful. Thanks!

AR
- Pretty much have to agree with CK.
- Your situation appears extremely one sided and i see very little that you are getting from it.
- Perhaps a sit-down with your wife to explain this might be an idea. Pointing out while she may not be thrilled with caging you etc that for the arrangement to work or be fair both of you have to get something out of it.

[Anonymousrob]

We have had that talk multiple times but it’s okay. We had a nice talk last night. A nice reclaiming moment. Then we woke up this morning and cuddled all morning, before we spooned and I made her cum again. Then she asked me to fuck her in the ass (I never ask but she sometimes does and who am I to turn it down lol). Then we showered together.

[Lookingforadventure]

I just wanted to reach out and offer you a virtual hug. It sounds like you've been processing a lot. I also wanted to thank you for sharing your feelings. It is helpful to hear the husband's point of view and you've done a great job of expressing your feelings and wonderings. In fact it has been really helpful to me as my husband and I recently decided to discontinue our hot wife play, and I think his feelings were similar to what you've expressed.

As I read your posts, I'm struck by several things you've said.

I know that a few people have suggested that Rachel is being selfish, but I'm not sure that's the case. Like Rachel, I found it hard when my husband asked me to lean into the cuck fantasy with more humiliation play. I have nothing but respect and love for my husband, so it was hard to wrap my head around being disrespectful or mean. It also didn't feel right lying (e.g. if he wanted me to say that a lover was the best sex I ever had, but I honestly liked sex with my husband the best).

It took some creativity (and, truthfully, some "research" in the form of porn watching and reading threads on here) to find something that felt right to me. In the end, I found a tone and approach that was more teasing than taunting. Farmgirl is really good at this if Rachel wants to go read her thread and pick up some pointers But I found that I could easily tease my husband about what my lover had just done, or what I wanted him to do, how wet I got for him, how much I loved fucking him, etc. This felt fun to me and hit the right notes for him. I think it worked well all around.

The second thing that struck me about your posts is that you sound really unsure. You commented that you aren't sure how you feel about the lifestyle, but you still promised her that she could go out and also have an overnight date. I worry that "pushing forward" when your heart isn't in it will have negative consequences. You don't want to end up resenting her for things that you said were fine with you, when they really weren't.

You also seem a bit unsure about what it would take for you to feel better about it. You mention playing with other women, but you aren't sure you want that. And you have similar thoughts about cuck play and her dominating you more. You'd like to try it, but you aren't sure you are into it. I worry that even if she agreed to let you play with others, or if she leaned into domination play, that you still would feel some level of uncertainty about her being a hot wife.

I don't have a solution, and maybe some other husbands could help you there, but I think that the underlying issue is that she is exploring her sexuality, having exciting experiences, and feeling sexual fulfilment without you. You aren't having the same sorts of experiences and are feeling "left behind" to a degree - not left by her, but no longer "equal" in your sexual experiences. Unless you can wrap your head around that and actually WANT it for her, I'm not sure this will feel fulfilling to you.

With that said, I'm also coming at this from the point of view of someone who has just stopped their hot wife journey at her husband's request...so I might be projecting

[coastalkid]

I just wanted to reach out and offer you a virtual hug. It sounds like you've been processing a lot. I also wanted to thank you for sharing your feelings. It is helpful to hear the husband's point of view and you've done a great job of expressing your feelings and wonderings. In fact it has been really helpful to me as my husband and I recently decided to discontinue our hot wife play, and I think his feelings were similar to what you've expressed.

As I read your posts, I'm struck by several things you've said.

I know that a few people have suggested that Rachel is being selfish, but I'm not sure that's the case. Like Rachel, I found it hard when my husband asked me to lean into the cuck fantasy with more humiliation play. I have nothing but respect and love for my husband, so it was hard to wrap my head around being disrespectful or mean. It also didn't feel right lying (e.g. if he wanted me to say that a lover was the best sex I ever had, but I honestly liked sex with my husband the best).

It took some creativity (and, truthfully, some "research" in the form of porn watching and reading threads on here) to find something that felt right to me. In the end, I found a tone and approach that was more teasing than taunting. Farmgirl is really good at this if Rachel wants to go read her thread and pick up some pointers But I found that I could easily tease my husband about what my lover had just done, or what I wanted him to do, how wet I got for him, how much I loved fucking him, etc. This felt fun to me and hit the right notes for him. I think it worked well all around.

The second thing that struck me about your posts is that you sound really unsure. You commented that you aren't sure how you feel about the lifestyle, but you still promised her that she could go out and also have an overnight date. I worry that "pushing forward" when your heart isn't in it will have negative consequences. You don't want to end up resenting her for things that you said were fine with you, when they really weren't.

You also seem a bit unsure about what it would take for you to feel better about it. You mention playing with other women, but you aren't sure you want that. And you have similar thoughts about cuck play and her dominating you more. You'd like to try it, but you aren't sure you are into it. I worry that even if she agreed to let you play with others, or if she leaned into domination play, that you still would feel some level of uncertainty about her being a hot wife.

I don't have a solution, and maybe some other husbands could help you there, but I think that the underlying issue is that she is exploring her sexuality, having exciting experiences, and feeling sexual fulfilment without you. You aren't having the same sorts of experiences and are feeling "left behind" to a degree - not left by her, but no longer "equal" in your sexual experiences. Unless you can wrap your head around that and actually WANT it for her, I'm not sure this will feel fulfilling to you.

With that said, I'm also coming at this from the point of view of someone who has just stopped their hot wife journey at her husband's request...so I might be projecting

Great reply from someone with real experience!

If you are truly feeling "left out" or "left behind" it doesn't matter if it is perceived or genuine. Your feelings are YOUR feelings. There is a reason you feel this way. The real question is when does compersion become a two way street? If a husband can want his wife to have a wonderful experience why is it that a wife can't be the same way for her husband? Balance (or the lack of it) is the issue.

In my opinion a wife has to want her husband to have a mind blowing experience as much as a husband wants that for his wife. This is especially obvious when a wife has already enjoyed herself many times and successfully so. She may be blinded by NRE or so self absorbed that she's unaware of her behaviors and actions but her husband is hyper sensitized to them. He's caught between voicing his concerns and having the whole thing shut down (and consequently losing his chance for his own dreams of an experience) and quietly and patiently hoping she'll realize the imbalance. I'll never understand how a wife can have the thrill of a lifetime with the support of her husband and NOT be aware enough to feel strongly compelled to give her husband a thrill that inspires him to keep coming back for more.

Whether it's a hot wife or a cuckold lifestyle it only works when it's shared. A hot wife isn't a hot wife without a husband. A cuckold is not a cuckold if they are single. This is a two-player lifestyle. It's not on one person to make it work and it's not on one person to make it satisfying.

[Anonymousrob]

I just wanted to reach out and offer you a virtual hug. It sounds like you've been processing a lot. I also wanted to thank you for sharing your feelings. It is helpful to hear the husband's point of view and you've done a great job of expressing your feelings and wonderings. In fact it has been really helpful to me as my husband and I recently decided to discontinue our hot wife play, and I think his feelings were similar to what you've expressed.

As I read your posts, I'm struck by several things you've said.

I know that a few people have suggested that Rachel is being selfish, but I'm not sure that's the case. Like Rachel, I found it hard when my husband asked me to lean into the cuck fantasy with more humiliation play. I have nothing but respect and love for my husband, so it was hard to wrap my head around being disrespectful or mean. It also didn't feel right lying (e.g. if he wanted me to say that a lover was the best sex I ever had, but I honestly liked sex with my husband the best).

It took some creativity (and, truthfully, some "research" in the form of porn watching and reading threads on here) to find something that felt right to me. In the end, I found a tone and approach that was more teasing than taunting. Farmgirl is really good at this if Rachel wants to go read her thread and pick up some pointers But I found that I could easily tease my husband about what my lover had just done, or what I wanted him to do, how wet I got for him, how much I loved fucking him, etc. This felt fun to me and hit the right notes for him. I think it worked well all around.

The second thing that struck me about your posts is that you sound really unsure. You commented that you aren't sure how you feel about the lifestyle, but you still promised her that she could go out and also have an overnight date. I worry that "pushing forward" when your heart isn't in it will have negative consequences. You don't want to end up resenting her for things that you said were fine with you, when they really weren't.

You also seem a bit unsure about what it would take for you to feel better about it. You mention playing with other women, but you aren't sure you want that. And you have similar thoughts about cuck play and her dominating you more. You'd like to try it, but you aren't sure you are into it. I worry that even if she agreed to let you play with others, or if she leaned into domination play, that you still would feel some level of uncertainty about her being a hot wife.

I don't have a solution, and maybe some other husbands could help you there, but I think that the underlying issue is that she is exploring her sexuality, having exciting experiences, and feeling sexual fulfilment without you. You aren't having the same sorts of experiences and are feeling "left behind" to a degree - not left by her, but no longer "equal" in your sexual experiences. Unless you can wrap your head around that and actually WANT it for her, I'm not sure this will feel fulfilling to you.

With that said, I'm also coming at this from the point of view of someone who has just stopped their hot wife journey at her husband's request...so I might be projecting

This is all exceptionally accurate. I know that you two have talked before so you probably understand her side of it, maybe even better than me.

I think unsure was probably the wrong word. Apprehensive is probably a better term, but yes, I do feel left behind. While I have had loads of experience with women in terms of oral and digit play, I’ve actually only had sex with 2 women (including Rachel) in my entire life. I don’t think that I want more of that, honestly. I love her and our sex life is great. I feel conflicted because I don’t really feel apart of this anymore. Originally it was something that was really adding to our sex life, but lately I don’t feel as though I’m really a part of it at all.

We have discussed though and I feel like that aspect will be fixing itself soon. But he overnight is just something I was never sure about but it was one of those things that she REALLY wanted to try and so I want to give her that. I don’t think that I will feel resentful about it. Just more apprehensive than usual.

Thanks so much for all the insight!

[Anonymousrob]

I just wanted to reach out and offer you a virtual hug. It sounds like you've been processing a lot. I also wanted to thank you for sharing your feelings. It is helpful to hear the husband's point of view and you've done a great job of expressing your feelings and wonderings. In fact it has been really helpful to me as my husband and I recently decided to discontinue our hot wife play, and I think his feelings were similar to what you've expressed.

As I read your posts, I'm struck by several things you've said.

I know that a few people have suggested that Rachel is being selfish, but I'm not sure that's the case. Like Rachel, I found it hard when my husband asked me to lean into the cuck fantasy with more humiliation play. I have nothing but respect and love for my husband, so it was hard to wrap my head around being disrespectful or mean. It also didn't feel right lying (e.g. if he wanted me to say that a lover was the best sex I ever had, but I honestly liked sex with my husband the best).

It took some creativity (and, truthfully, some "research" in the form of porn watching and reading threads on here) to find something that felt right to me. In the end, I found a tone and approach that was more teasing than taunting. Farmgirl is really good at this if Rachel wants to go read her thread and pick up some pointers But I found that I could easily tease my husband about what my lover had just done, or what I wanted him to do, how wet I got for him, how much I loved fucking him, etc. This felt fun to me and hit the right notes for him. I think it worked well all around.

The second thing that struck me about your posts is that you sound really unsure. You commented that you aren't sure how you feel about the lifestyle, but you still promised her that she could go out and also have an overnight date. I worry that "pushing forward" when your heart isn't in it will have negative consequences. You don't want to end up resenting her for things that you said were fine with you, when they really weren't.

You also seem a bit unsure about what it would take for you to feel better about it. You mention playing with other women, but you aren't sure you want that. And you have similar thoughts about cuck play and her dominating you more. You'd like to try it, but you aren't sure you are into it. I worry that even if she agreed to let you play with others, or if she leaned into domination play, that you still would feel some level of uncertainty about her being a hot wife.

I don't have a solution, and maybe some other husbands could help you there, but I think that the underlying issue is that she is exploring her sexuality, having exciting experiences, and feeling sexual fulfilment without you. You aren't having the same sorts of experiences and are feeling "left behind" to a degree - not left by her, but no longer "equal" in your sexual experiences. Unless you can wrap your head around that and actually WANT it for her, I'm not sure this will feel fulfilling to you.

With that said, I'm also coming at this from the point of view of someone who has just stopped their hot wife journey at her husband's request...so I might be projecting

Great reply from someone with real experience!

If you are truly feeling "left out" or "left behind" it doesn't matter if it is perceived or genuine. Your feelings are YOUR feelings. There is a reason you feel this way. The real question is when does compersion become a two way street? If a husband can want his wife to have a wonderful experience why is it that a wife can't be the same way for her husband? Balance (or the lack of it) is the issue.

In my opinion a wife has to want her husband to have a mind blowing experience as much as a husband wants that for his wife. This is especially obvious when a wife has already enjoyed herself many times and successfully so. She may be blinded by NRE or so self absorbed that she's unaware of her behaviors and actions but her husband is hyper sensitized to them. He's caught between voicing his concerns and having the whole thing shut down (and consequently losing his chance for his own dreams of an experience) and quietly and patiently hoping she'll realize the imbalance. I'll never understand how a wife can have the thrill of a lifetime with the support of her husband and NOT be aware enough to feel strongly compelled to give her husband a thrill that inspires him to keep coming back for more.

Whether it's a hot wife or a cuckold lifestyle it only works when it's shared. A hot wife isn't a hot wife without a husband. A cuckold is not a cuckold if they are single. This is a two-player lifestyle. It's not on one person to make it work and it's not on one person to make it satisfying.

Very insightful as well. You guys are giving me a ton to think about and consider!

[Restarting]

Hi Anonymousrob,
You said, "I don’t think that I want more of that (sex with other women), honestly." The don't think tells me you aren't sure.
Is it that you don't want another relationship, or maybe just not motivated to exert the effort to create and maintain one? Something else?

I have a lot of respect for both Lookingforadventure and coastalkid and find a lot of common ground in their opinions.

You said "I am not allowed to play at all, except obviously with her, and she is allowed."
I agree with CK's imbalance observation but I inferred he was coming from the standpoint of envy or jealousy. [Please correct me if I'm wrong coastalkid]

The "not allowed" part gives me pause.

I completely understand when a couple agrees to any arrangement but when the Hotwife has concerns about her husband enjoying fun similar to hers, the trust sirens go off for me. Does she not trust that you will stay with her? Does she not trust that she will stay with you (and thus projecting)? Or is it a control thing (which some couples might want)?

Understanding that would be important to me.

LFA's and Adventurer's experience should be textbook Hotwife 101. Their love, trust and communication is the bedrock of every successful marriage, hotwife or not.

It's difficult to get somewhere when you don't know where you want to go. I think you are both figuring it out, like all of us do. Keep up the communication going. When you question how she may react to a question, ASK her. Communication and trust are paramount.

I be following your journey and hope only the best for you.

[SheLikesWhenIWatch]

Hi, Anonymousrob.

I think I know EXACTLY what you’re feeling.

The compersion is overwhelming, but the envy sort of nags.

I have been feeling this lately, and I’ve been chatting with my wife about it when we get the chance.

When she had her first boyfriend, there were always the MFMs. Being included in the intimate act of giving her sexual pleasure with him helped abide my nagging feelings.

Zorro wrote about it on page 1:

MFMs are a great way not to feel excluded or irrelevant. We have been doing only MFMs now for a few years and find the cross energy fascinating.
Be sure to participate so you can feel you are getting something from the encounters too.

Now, she has moved on to a second boyfriend and the MFMs have stopped because he’s unable to come to grips with another man being present while he fucks her. (This is fodder for another thread.)

I emphasize for her that her COMPLETE satisfaction is my calling, and that I feel she ought to advocate for me to be included wherever she gets the opportunity.

The three of us spend a lot of time together (lunch/dinner, Netflix, etc.), but he is simply too preoccupied to let me be present when he fucks her. (I think he’s more afraid of what he might have to admit about himself…that he enjoys the presence of another man…than about the actual act of having sex with her.)

With her first boyfriend, we “bit the bullet” together. We got naked together and put ourselves on FULL display, good and ugly, for each other. All three of us were imperfect, and when we finally reached that conclusion together, we were able to become a “throuple.” She was truly a shared wife….body fluids and all.

But here we are with boyfriend #2.

Just two nights ago, we had ANOTHER talk about her helping me convince boyfriend #2 that MFMs would help smooth our path forward. It’s a small concession, I’ve always felt.

It worked with boyfriend #1, watching that eventually led to my complete and total participation, and I don’t see why it wouldn’t work with boyfriend #2. He just needs a little push, I feel. If he tries it, I’m almost 100 percent positive he’ll like it.

There’s great power in fucking another man’s wife right in front of him! He would almost surely become addicted to the powerful feeling of not just giving her complete sexual satisfaction, but showing me, her husband, how to properly fuck my wife. I’d gladly accept them cucking me! (And I know she’d love to cuck me again with her new boyfriend. She privately tells me so! She wants me to watch her getting off on another man’s dick. It gives her great pleasure.)

But it’s slow-going right now, and I understand the envy that you speak of. Like me, you want more.

I have no other advice than what you’ve been reading here, in this thread. There are a variety of ways assuage your envy. MFMs are one way forward. But even then, it’s no guarantee that your envy will completely subside. Like me, you may seek more.

(I feel like it’s a huge step forward, though.)

[Anonymousrob]

Yes. We have definitely talked about finally letting me come back to watch and join in occasionally. The only issue we find with that is that she doesn’t fully enjoy herself. She always feels an insane amount of pressure to “perform” for me.

[coastalkid]

Yes. We have definitely talked about finally letting me come back to watch and join in occasionally. The only issue we find with that is that she doesn’t fully enjoy herself. She always feels an insane amount of pressure to “perform” for me.

Of the times that you did get to watch. Did you you ever ask her to do specific things? Did you just sit quietly on the sidelines? She must have told in your discussion(s) that she felt like she had to "perform" for you. Did she ever explain why she thought that?

I get that (some) wives don't enjoy being watched. I have had a few private chats with wives that have said they feel inhibited and that they don't want their husband to see their behavior when they are enjoying themselves with their lovers. They said they say things they wouldn't normally say. They do things they either don't EVER do with their husbands or WON'T let them do. They also said that they enjoying being able to "cut loose" and not worry about being judged for it. In those chats I came away with the impression that many of these women wanted to have their "enhanced" sex life without the burden of any unwanted implications. Some of the chats admitted that they were fully aware of how avoiding those implications just passed them on to their spouses.

Any loving, caring, compassionate wife knows they "DON'T have it all" if their husband doesn't "have it all" too. Some husbands seem to get great joy from being humiliated or ignored or denied sex. If the wife is giving that to her husband then fine.

Where's the reverse compersion? If a wife is having the best sexual experience of her lifetime and has been enjoying it repeatedly, then shouldn't she feel a desire to provide the best sexual experience of her husband's life repeatedly out of shear gratitude? It's my opinion that many good and wonderful wives know that they are incapable of making this lifestyle work for anyone but themselves.

Sorry for the rant. I do know you are hurting here and you DO want an exciting sex life. This stuff is only my opinion anyway.

[Anonymousrob]

I never direct or tell her anything. I occasionally get up and kiss her or rub her pussy or tits. That’s it. I take pics and vids sometimes. She doesn’t do things with them that she won’t do with me. I think it’s the cutting loose aspect for her.

[windymiller]

Jealousy can be a very damaging emotion in a relationship, especially one involving other sexual partners, thankfully i can say ive never felt jealous of my then girlfriend later my wifes actions around men.

Therefore i suppose it was never going to be an emotion for me as she turned me at a young age into her cuck husband.

I have always been a dominant masculine male enjoyed and felt secure about other men looking at her and never felt jealous of her talking to other men, or indeed later taking her to her lover or sharing our marital bed with him.

She on the other hand has always had a jealous nature, disliking me talking or looking at other women, a strange reaction for a women having an affair.

She was acknowledged in our relationship as my "hotwife and cuckoldress" by the time drunk one night i fucked a friends wife infront of her and her husband. At the time at her request i was already a wearer of knickers/panties and occasionally caged but free on that night of my cage wearing knickers didnt stop my desires. She didnt object but went upstairs as she didnt want to see this but later said " i know this is really double standards but i dont want you fucking another women" no more was said on the subject.

Whilst she already wanted me to wear female knickers permanently and had achived this aim, another unfortunate incident at a party when a women i worked with made no bones she wanted to fuck me and had felt my fine firm ass often, infront of my cuckoldress i became fitted with a cage permanently.

This wasnt just for sex play this was a fitting 24/7.

My cuckoldress soon set in motion kinky play often in the presence of her lover that ultimately led to me becoming semi feminised, with permanently painted toe nails, a locked cage sat in knickers and a wearer of tight or semi tight female jeans and an occasional wearer of suspender/garter belt. I also became permanently collared to her.

The knickers,cage and female jeans are my normal attire even shopping or visiting friends. Suspenders worn under my tight jeans to go out in are a "treat" and can be visable.

On holiday she allocates me female brightly coloured female shorts, occasionally bikini bottoms, difficult to hide a cage in, I always sleep in female brightly coloured PJs.

It took sometime for me to realise her ultimate aim in doing this, it was to counter her jealous nature and make me undesirable to other females or render me unable to cheat even if i wanted.

No women would want an affair or a quickie with a masculine male when they found out he was wearing nicer knickers than her, has pink toe nails and a collar and the decider obviously is...he is caged.

This satisfied her jealous nature, now i can look and talk to whom i want, she knows i wont and cant stray.

[Tank Turner]

Jealousy can destroy the best of relationships.

My wife and I agreed long before we became adventurous that should either of us become jealous, we would discontinue recreational sport fucking.

Open, honest, and nonjudgmental communication about all sexual topics is essential for secure marriages and adventurous sex.

I knew on the evening of our first date that my wife was a long way from virginal. She was the most sexually experienced, sexually confident, and sexually enlightened woman I had ever been with. Her confident sexuality turned me on and compelled me to keep returning to her. I knew she had had many sexual partners. That was a tremendous benefit. She knew the difference between sex for physical euphoria and sex as bonding and expression of love.

I have always been my wife's primary concern during recreational sport fucking. She has always assured I was sexually satiated before concentrating on other dudes.

My wife suffers from an adrenal system disorder that causes an abundance of testosterone to be released into her system. When her adrenal gland becomes hyperactive, she becomes uncontrollably horny. Human biology prevents me from keeping pace with her normal hyper-sexuality. When she's operating on excess testosterone, she could wear out an entire football team.

My wife has a golden glow emanating from her face, she's happy and content, she has more self-esteem and self-confidence, and she feels more beautiful and sexually desirable after an evening/early morning of primal sex with two men. Admiring her after hours of sexual euphoria is pristine beauty. She has always slept soundly after an evening/early morning of primal, recreational sport fucking.

After the sex is over, she falls asleep in my arms or with her body against mine.

I've never been jealous of Lisa's sport fucking competitions. I knew she had fucked many dudes before I met her.

Admiring my wife in prolonged orgasmic euphoria is the essence of beauty.

My advice would be if either participant senses jealously, recreational sport fucking might harm your marriage.

[Anonymousrob]

As I’ve said before, my jealousy doesn’t stem from the actual sex. I think that is all super hot. My jealousy is more of a FOMO. Like I’m jealous of her experiences and exploration.

[Anonymousrob]

Yes. We have definitely talked about finally letting me come back to watch and join in occasionally. The only issue we find with that is that she doesn’t fully enjoy herself. She always feels an insane amount of pressure to “perform” for me.

Of the times that you did get to watch. Did you you ever ask her to do specific things? Did you just sit quietly on the sidelines? She must have told in your discussion(s) that she felt like she had to "perform" for you. Did she ever explain why she thought that?

I get that (some) wives don't enjoy being watched. I have had a few private chats with wives that have said they feel inhibited and that they don't want their husband to see their behavior when they are enjoying themselves with their lovers. They said they say things they wouldn't normally say. They do things they either don't EVER do with their husbands or WON'T let them do. They also said that they enjoying being able to "cut loose" and not worry about being judged for it. In those chats I came away with the impression that many of these women wanted to have their "enhanced" sex life without the burden of any unwanted implications. Some of the chats admitted that they were fully aware of how avoiding those implications just passed them on to their spouses.

Any loving, caring, compassionate wife knows they "DON'T have it all" if their husband doesn't "have it all" too. Some husbands seem to get great joy from being humiliated or ignored or denied sex. If the wife is giving that to her husband then fine.

Where's the reverse compersion? If a wife is having the best sexual experience of her lifetime and has been enjoying it repeatedly, then shouldn't she feel a desire to provide the best sexual experience of her husband's life repeatedly out of shear gratitude? It's my opinion that many good and wonderful wives know that they are incapable of making this lifestyle work for anyone but themselves.

Sorry for the rant. I do know you are hurting here and you DO want an exciting sex life. This stuff is only my opinion anyway.

Hey, no worries. I appreciate it. And who knows. You may be right. Maybe this lifestyle is coming to an end for us.

[Seekingmore12]

I never direct or tell her anything. I occasionally get up and kiss her or rub her pussy or tits. That’s it. I take pics and vids sometimes. She doesn’t do things with them that she won’t do with me. I think it’s the cutting loose aspect for her.

Know I m a bit late to the party, however I wanted to add a perspective if I may…

The two things that strike me here is her perceived pressure to perform for you if you are there and that she “ cuts loose “ when you are not.

You have asked her to be more dominant, cage you, tease you etc….its seems it just not her to do this to the man she loves.

Do you have a relationship with her “ boyfriend “ ? Seems to me that if the boyfriend is worth anything he should be helping you as well get the most out of this deal, between you two he has been given a gift and giving back is important.

Perhaps you could talk with him, have him lean in a little, take the pressure off Rachel to perform for you.

He could give you challenges like say today is a 10 orgasm for Rachel day, he asks you to get locked and you are not allowed to remove your pants….you get the idea.

Point here is this should be a 3 way deal and not lob sided and if he values you and her, he should be willing to help.

G