Recently started getting fantasies. How to cope with it?

[anondesires]

My apologies, I missed that you had written she was adventurous. If I can ask, what does that mean?

She's been in threesomes, been in an open relationship, had sex in the same room as others and at parties etc.
I don't know specifically about cock sizes and she doesn't know exactly how many guys she's fucked, she thinks about 20, most of the threesomes and stuff involved the same guys each time.

[Wantsomefunto]

Buy her something sexy or slutty to wear for you in front of him. Tell her you want to see her tease him.

[elina]

My worry is that they could already be fucking and the whole looking for your reactions is to see if you are ok with that being in the open. That might be completely off, but I do wonder.

I'm not sure if I've been in denial about this up until recently or if I'm becoming paranoid. Some of the things he said last night and the way he said them have got me wondering and remembering other things that now seem suspicious. He seems to have much less respect for her lately. He never used to call her a slut, he used to talk about her like he would like to do things with her but it was a pipe dream. Now he talks about doing things with her as if he could make it happen but he's never made any reference to whether she's attracted to him or not. The way he physically handles her as if he knows she won't resist also seems suspicious. I'm starting to think he knows something, he's keeping her secret from me or something.

Well, Your Gilrfriend is incredibly hot. I believe you said, or referred to someone who described Her as "Out of your league".
Also, she has a wild past and has openly flirted with your friend, with you watching and your Girlfriend seeming to assess if you actually liked this.

If you really want to find out, first decide with yourself if Her cheating on you would mean that you would leave Her, or if you would accept it. But if She really does crave sex with others enough to cheat on you; would you not rather prefer to know and maybe even watch?

Confronting Her may not be a good idea unless you want to leave Her. Opening up to Her while telling Her you love Her and will forgive Her everything if She sometimes does something on the side is more likely to lead to a constructive discussion.

Please keep us posted.

Sincerely
elina

[anondesires]

So maybe try to understand what made Her choose you, and what it will take for Her to continue to choose to be in a relationship with Her?

She's always said it's my confidence and that I'm not overconfident. Other guys were either too cocky or pushovers. She's fucked cocky guys but hasn't dated one for any length of time because they annoy her.

[anondesires]

If you really want to find out, first decide with yourself if Her cheating on you would mean that you would leave Her, or if you would accept it. But if She really does crave sex with others enough to cheat on you; would you not rather prefer to know and maybe even watch?

Confronting Her may not be a good idea unless you want to leave Her. Opening up to Her while telling Her you love Her and will forgive Her everything if She sometimes does something on the side is more likely to lead to a constructive discussion.

I really don't know, I'm probably just being paranoid and listening to too many responses here telling me that she's probably done this or that.
I'll continue to think about it but your questions are the questions I'm trying to decide answers to.

I'm not going to confront her (or him), if she confesses to cheating I have no idea what I'll do, probably something regrettable though.

[monraccoon]

the erotic energy that you will unleash if you take that next step, to open up to your girlfriend and offer her a hall pass, will be explosive. life changing. liberating.

[user322]

Hi friend,
Your post is very interesting, and I'm going to give you my perspective on things!

I don't want to influence you in a bad way, and remember that only you really know what's good for you and what's not.

I feel like your biggest problem is your "anti-cuckold conditioning"... you have the idea in your head that being a cuckold is degrading.
The problem is that you're clearly attracted to it! So in your mind, there's an intense struggle between what you naturally want and what you think is wrong.
Your body, your instincts, seem to be telling you that you enjoy the cuckold experience, but your mind and intellect tell you that it's shameful because of the conditioning created by societal norms.

It seems to me that at first, you can see things from a different perspective. Rather than seeing yourself as a "poor, pathetic cuckold," you can see yourself as a "man who enjoys sharing his wife." There are also women who enjoy watching their men sleep with other women... (and it's often better seen than men who share their wives because women don't have a "virile" role to play. A man who shares his wife is something that can affect and shatter the man's virile image...).
But it seems to me that this is a prejudice, and that it's possible for a man to maintain his virility while enjoying sharing his wife.
So, you can already look at things from the perspective of a man who enjoys sharing his wife.

Then, it seems to me that the more you run away from your desire to see your girlfriend sleep with your friend, the weaker you become in the face of this desire.

I think you need to think carefully about this sentence. So it seems to me that secondly, you should face the facts and stop running away: you're clearly attracted to the idea of ​​your girlfriend having sex with your friend. No matter what others think, no matter society's usual norms, you like this idea... and it turns you on.

So it seems to me that you need to accept that you have this urge to share your girlfriend in your mind, and that this urge is strong.
Then, it seems to me that once again, you shouldn't run away, but take the problem in hand. I think you shouldn't run away because if you do, you'll be weak in the face of the problem. You'll be weak in the face of these overwhelming desires, and I have a feeling that things will end up happening with your girlfriend, but in a bad way...
So it seems to me that you need to take the problem in hand and talk to your girlfriend.

You need to explain to your girlfriend that you recently discovered this fantasy, BUT that you have no idea where it could lead. At this point, you really need to trust your girlfriend and confide in her.
You need to talk to her about your fears and doubts about this fantasy. You need to tell her that you have this fantasy, and that's why you come faster during sex, BUT at the same time, you don't want it to go any further in real life.

At this point, I think you and your girlfriend can explore this fantasy between yourselves while you're having sex together.
Then, over time, it's up to you to decide if you really want your girlfriend to fuck your friend or not.
Or maybe your girlfriend can fuck another guy, but not your friend...maybe that would be more mentally acceptable to you.

I don't know if my advice is correct, but at least that's my take on the situation.

You should also know that there's always a risk that a woman will prefer to leave with another man... but life is full of risks, no one knows the future... and it seems to me that your fantasy of sharing is far too strong for you to ignore, so you have to take control of it!

The most important thing to remember from what I've told you is that the more you run away from your fantasy, the weaker you seem to be in the face of it. And if it continues like this, you risk becoming overwhelmed by your fantasy, and you risk losing control of the situation between your friend and girlfriend...
It's better to take control of the problem and move forward !

[wannabecUKold]

Thank you for your revealing updates.
So just to quickly summarize:
- You are comfortable with your dick size
- You can dominate your girl but it feels to you like it is role-play. Your friend described you as pussy whipped.
- You let your friend talk at length about fucking your girlfriend. He showed less respect for her.
You pitched your response at the right level, neither outraged nor overenthusiastic.
You are getting suspicious that there is more to this than meets the eye.
She’s been in open relationships and threesomes before.

There may already be something going on between them. I guess the middle path that she has let him kiss her and fondle her (enough to make him call her a slut) but not fuck her, but nor has she totally rejected his advances.

He will return to talking about her with you. Next time you will encourage him further. (It’s a pity you haven’t got nude pictures of her on your phone that she consents to being shown, that he could discover when you leave it on the table.)

The next move is discovering what she is feeling. She must be aware that he is after her even if they have done nothing. You may find that she brings him into the conversation herself. That would be revealing. You can encourage her to think sexually about him. For instance, when he comes into the conversation, you can remark that he has a large dick. He showed you on his phone.
So a gentle encouragement to them both, making it clear you’re not objecting to the direction of travel is probably all you need to do at this stage. For instance,you can invite him around to the house and then have to leave them alone while you go off to buy some fictional necessity. That’s an old device. Let it all take its course. The alternatives to doing so are that you close the whole thing down now, which we know you’re not going to do, or that you force the pace, eg by confessing your desires to your girlfriend, which will probably be awkward for everybody.

PS if she confesses to you, as discussed above, be prepared and take it in your stride. Don’t do anything you would regret such as walk out. Talk to her openly about what it means. In the right scenario and on the right terms, you know you will welcome it and let her carry on.

PS2 Given that your gf has had 20 or so men fucking her in open relationships and threesomes, another approach might be that you ask her doesn’t she want to carry on having threesomes and fucking other men. Monogamy is too constraining for her.

[anondesires]

We talked a bit more about her past last night. I was asking how she got into threesomes and open relationships. She had 2 long-term/serious relationships before me. The first was at school, they were each others firsts for a lot of things but as it got towards the end of school, they realised they would probably have to break up because they were going to different colleges but also wanted to experience other people. They found it difficult to actually break up and ended up staying together while they started at different colleges.
(Most of this wasn't part of the conversation, I'm just filling in what I already know so that the extra details have context).

A guy they knew from school but went to the same college as her started making moves on her, she was interested but didn't want to cheat or break up over it. She explained to her bf, they both knew this time would probably come but still didn't want to break up. She offered him an ultimatum, they try opening up their relationship or they break up. He chose the former. They agreed that anything they did with others would have to be agreed in advance. They talked about this other guy and he thought a threesome would be easiest to handle, so they did that, she loved it, him not so much.
She then wanted to fuck him alone, the bf resisted because he was worried about them getting intimate together. I think they agreed to him fucking her at a party (that the bf wasn't at) with the option of it involving others which she took up. She doesn't remember exactly because those parties became a frequent thing with mostly the same people but she potentially sucked and/or fucked 2-4 guys at that party.

He struggled with it and wasn't finding other girls at first. He eventually found another girl, she didn't feel great about it but agreed to a threesome because she'd had more than her fair share by now. She thinks he lowered his standards to find a girl, apparently the girl was ugly and he didn't seem into her which made it easier for her. It basically went on like this with her fucking around and him not enjoying it and not getting much for himself and it basically pushed them apart over the course of that college year until they broke up.

Something interesting to add to that (and I didn't know before) was that he wanted to know about everything she had done, he didn't want to find out from someone else or have secrets. She didn't like telling him cold, she didn't like hurting him so they experimented with telling him while they had sex but she said it made the sex feel bad and guilty. She said she would usually give him a handjob/blowjob and tell him while he was horny, afterwards he would fuck her aggressively which she liked. I did pry a little to get these details and quickly changed the subject after because it felt risky.

The other serious relationship she got into was a year later and she insisted that it had to be an open relationship from the start to avoid the same thing happening again. He was fine with it, they would sometimes fuck together with others or without each other present. She said they didn't have the same feelings that she had in the previous relationship, she missed that and it felt like they were more like fuck buddies and she broke up with him when she started getting feelings for me.

I asked her if there was ever anything great about any of the other guys she'd fucked (hinting at dick size). She said she most enjoyed the guys that made her feel helpless and overpowered. I then specifically asked if she'd had any big dicks. She just smiled and said "1 or 2". I asked what it was like. She smiled, paused, looked away, looked down, giggled, hesitated. I reassured her it was fine, that I was just curious, I wouldn't be upset. She said it feels good to feel so full and that a deep fuck feels different. She clammed up again, looked down and blushed. I insisted again, "different... how?". She got a bit annoyed and said "...more satisfying and I cum harder! ...but that doesn't mean I prefer it!". She went on to talk about it being better with an emotional connection and how she didn't have that with most of the other guys.

I realised as I was asking that I was hoping she would say that big dicks felt better. When she said it it felt like a gut punch, got my heart thumping and my dick hard all at the same time. Then the shame kicked in. We didn't have sex because she felt guilty and I reassured her some more and was fine with no sex for fear of cumming quickly.

[Mycall]

I get a totally different impression here, think that if there was anything going on behind you back then they would be more covert.

My impression is that your friend has noticed subtle differences in your behaviour and is now testing the water, pushing boundaries and seeing how you react.

Basically he has figured out that you get turned on by the idea of him making you a cuck. I also strongly suspect that he wanted you to see those dick picks.

As for your girlfriend, I don’t buy into the idea that just because she has been in open relationships or had threesomes that she is more inclined to cheat. I suspect she is going along with things because it is her nature and you don’t seem to mind.

Personally I think you should talk to her. Don’t just come out with “I have been fantasising about you getting railed by X”. Make it more subtle, try jokingly mentioning something about how X is insatiable with his octopus hands and constant talk of getting peoples girlfriends into bed. Do it in a way that in not confrontational and doesn’t make it seem like you feel threatened. Then you might find out her feelings on the behaviour.

You never know a joking comment might lead to an interesting conversation.

Personally I don’t think you are going to escape this fantasy, it’s difficult to turn things off when they turn you on, that doesn’t mean that something is going to happen but I do think that it does mean that it will become very difficult to hide that you get turned on by the thought.

If you want ultimate danger points try bringing it up with your girlfriend when she can see or is touching your cock.

[Wantsomefunto]

I think you should mention to her you notice how your friend flirts with her and gets a little dominate around her. Tell her you saw him get hard flirting with her and he looks big. Tell her you had a dream she played with his his big dick and you woke up hard. See how she reacts

[Mycall]

I hadn’t read you latest comment when I made mine.

At this point I think you might as well be honest. Tell her about seeing the photos and how the idea of her being impaled on it keeps popping up in your mind and that’s why you have been a quick draw recently. You should also tell her that you don’t really understand why it turns you on and that this is a new thing.

By the sounds of it she is fairly open sexually, it would be far more productive discussing it with her as then she will understand why you have been asking these questions, why your stamina has changed and what’s up.

Just be honest about how you are conflicted, she will probably really appreciate the fact that you trust her enough to share what is going on. It’s going to be healthier for you relationship than giving out confusing signals and hiding how you are feeling.

Like I said you don’t really need to fully understand something to discuss it and telling her what is on your mind isn’t necessarily the same as asking her to do it.

[monraccoon]

yup, what Mycall says.

communicate.

also, your angst around your awakening brings to my mind an idea i’ve come across in various stories and other places. when something of this sort unnerves or discomfits you, eroticize it. the thoughts around this generate energy within you and without. you can oppose the thoughts and thus be victimized by the energy that they generate or you can learn to surf, and ride them, and use the energy to propel you. maybe you’ll be propelled onto rocks or coral and become a bloody mess and be drowned. that’s a possibility. maybe this energy will launch you into an unimagined unknown. there are no guarantees. no guarantees about relationships. none about anything.

i was you at one time. i’m older now. looking back, i wish that id had more courage.

[mattyg_2671]

Good advice from MyCall there.

[Topnotch]

I like that advice also. Good information

[sucker00]

This doesn't really seem worth sharing but a few people asked me to keep posting and this is probably as interesting to me as it's going to get.


Are you kidding??? This was definitely worth posting. I you said that this scenario made you horny and unable to protest... but I this scenario that played out and how you reacted to it is at the core of your feelings. I have to believe that in the darkest corner of your mind, you've thought about scenarios where something like this between your gf and guy friend have played out, no? You seem too focused on this for you not to have thought about it in this way. I'm curious if the scenario of the "reluctant cuckold" has ever played out in your mind... where maybe your friend is seducing your gf and she's going along with it, but you are not happy about it and maybe resist, but not so much that you prevent your guy friend from seducing her? This seems to be a scenario that pushes your buttons. Have you ever asked your gf if any of your guy friends give her that "helpless and overpowered" vibe, and if so, who?

[elina]

Dear Anondesires

Thank you for a long and thoughtful update.

I think you are really lucky to have found this girl! She appears to be honest, able to reflect on life and what is important to Her.
So She has fucked guys with bigger cocks, and found that She likes that. She has still chosen to be your girlfriend because it is even more important to Her to have a connection with Her Significant other also outside the bedroom.

If I were you, I would fall even more in love with Her after that conversation. I think you should be honest with Her, tell Her about your fears of cuckolding and how you in some sense don't want to become that, while at the same time you have to admit that you are stimulated by it. Share with Her that you came to quickly because of thinking about Her with another male.

Tell Her how lucky you are to be in a relationship with Her and how you appreciate Her openness. She was open with you, I don't think you have anything to lose and lots of things to gain from being open with Her. With a Lady like this, you can probable grow more together when you are open with each other like that. Ultimately, you will never become a Cuck unless your Girlfriend decides this is what She will make you. This Lady sounds like someone who will not do so without having established an understanding with you.

Just my thoughts.

Sincere regards
elina

[fiyime5288]

Sounds like he really likes “joking” about making you a cuckold when you two are hanging out. How would your girlfriend respond to it if/when he makes those jokes in her presence? How would you react in such a situation?

[wannabecUKold]

Hi
During that long conversation about her past sex life, she must have been waiting for you to pop the obvious question, ie does she want to start having threesomes again now?

She finished by admitting that she likes a larger cock to give her more satisfying orgasms. Seems to me that you are now obliged to offer her that opportunity. You can have a sensible transparent conversation about it from that angle, talking about the relationship issues, and accepting that you have a medium sized cock, which you like but you also like the idea that there are others out there who have bigger cocks.

Up to you as whether you mention your friend's big cock: I think you have to. You can say that he wants to fuck her, and you saw a pic of his big cock, and you can arrange it. Of course she may deny she wants it, but that's more of a moral position than a sexual one.

You can show your arousal: it would be odd not to be aroused.

[Topnotch]

How's everything been going?

[anondesires]

It's hard to believe it's only been 11 days, things feel a lot different now and reading back my previous posts feels like a world away. I stopped posting on here because the responses were just encouragement to make it happen and I had been clear I didn't want that. Things were developing between us and that just wasn't helpful. For 48 hours after the conversation I shared on here, she was in a bad mood and didn't want to talk about it. Then she started to open up about the demons she's been having. She's been struggling with being monogamous and feels like a slut for being tempted and fantasizing about other guys. The conversation I shared here made her think about all the times she's been missing and she felt bad about wanting those experiences again.

I knew my performance hadn't been good for a few months but I wasn't aware how bad and how much she was struggling because of it. It took some time for her to open up to me about most of these thoughts/feelings, she was convinced I would hate her for it. We've talked about it most nights and experimented with ways of making her more comfortable telling me. I've tried to fuck her the way she needs but it feels like there's a mental barrier, too many thoughts working against me. One of the times she joked/threatened that if I wasn't up to it, she would have to get in touch with one of the guys she was just talking about. That instantly made it impossible, the urge to cum meaning that she would fuck that guy was too hot.

I think I responded to someone on here about the persuasion of people on here being nothing compared to the persuasion I'd face from her. Well I'm not sure how she managed it but she planted that seed of an idea of her fucking one of the guys that fucked her well previously and she's nurtured it into something that doesn't seem like a bad idea to me. It doesn't feel like I've agreed to be cucked, it feels like I've agreed to let her friend come over and fix our shower or something. She's made it seem like she's helping me out, taking the pressure off of me and it does feel like that. She said it's a one off, that she needs a "fix" and she hopes it will make me feel more aggressive about fucking her after.

I don't think she knows about cuckolding, neither of us have mentioned it in any way. I haven't mentioned my fantasies but I think she's realised from my involuntary reactions to things she's talked about that I get turned on in some capacity by it.

So her first choice isn't available, he's in a relationship. Her second choice is happy to and was supposed to be coming over tomorrow but cancelled on us. He's fucked her loads of times before including when we were "dating" but hadn't become exclusive yet. They've never had any kind of romantic connection, purely sexual. I'm not sure why I'm ok with this but all of these details seem to reassure me. It's something she needs, that I can't give her, somebody else can and has done before without it being a problem then. If it was somebody new or an ex I think I'd feel differently. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy about it, if I could fuck her the way she needs instead, I would but I can't and that's stressing me out and I feel bad for her.

Neither of us have mentioned my best friend in all of this, in a way I've kind of forgotten about that and haven't seen him for a couple of weeks. It was one of the things that I was reminded of when reading back my previous posts.

[Wantsomefunto]

Sorry to hear her friend has cancelled on her. She must be so unhappy she won’t be getting what she needs. I think for a lot of us we feel good that our wives and girlfriends get better dicks and fucks from other guys but always come back to us for emotional support and love. Tell her you love her but know she needs more than you can give her sexually and as long as she only wants you in her life as her life partner you are ok wit her getting her sexual needs from others. Tell her to hide nothing and keep you aware of what she does. You will find most likely when she comes home to you or finishes with another guy when you are there to watch your performance may be better.

Maybe you should invite your friend over tonight for a drink and see what happens.

[Xmatty1]

“Cancelled on us” ? Does that mean you would be there? Does she want you to watch?

[elina]

Dear Anondesires,

Thanks for sharing again. I understand how you are struggling, I think many cuckolds who are now very happy and accepting themselves as they are initially faced similar struggles.

But I also think it is getting to the point where you have to accept yourself as you are, somehow the cuckold seed was planted in you and you are reacting so strongly to this that it has made you even less able to sexually please this wonderful Lady who has selected to be in a relationship with you.

Maybe it is time for you to ask yourself what is morst important to you, to keep fighting your sexual desires to see your Wonderful Sexy Lady who wanted to be with you since She wants to be in a relationship with someone who could satisfy more of Her needs than just sex being happy. You may know the sayings, Happy Wife - Happy Life, and "If mama is not happy, nobody is happy"?

You are not yet married, you are still young. Being a cuck carries a stigma, but once you see that as something society has been imposing on us and actually not really true. I think to many of us on this site, being a cuckold is a natural state of affairs and we truly Want Our Wives to be happy, Her happiness makes us happy, supporting Her extra-marital activities is a way to shared happiness.

If you can convince your Girlfriend that you want Her to have sex with past and present lovers to ensure that She is happy, you will support that and try to share Her happyness, why not give it a try? Worst thing is that you will find you cannot handle that. But if that is the case maybe a long term relationship with this Lady is not possible for you. Maybe better to find out now than to keep dragging it out.

You seem to have (mostly gotten to this point already), but maybe the extra step you need to take here is to accept that now actually want this for your Girlfriend, for you, and for your relationship.

Sincerely
elina

Sincerely
elina

[monraccoon]

it’s impressive that you two have opened up, as a couple. allowing your girl to be bedded by an ex is hot, but, as it’s someone you maybe don’t directly know, gives you some insulation. it’s like setting off an M-80. bringing up to her your best friend and allowing that path to be her, and your, first experience, would be a bundle of sticks of dynamite.