Recently started getting fantasies. How to cope with it?

[joel68]

So can we hear about what happened on Sunday when he was supposed to come over? Did he actually come back on Sunday?

[anondesires]

Great that you are back here and telling us your story. Looking forward to what happened next.

I hope you have time to let us all know.

I have the time, it's the "will" I'm struggling with. In my first post I said:

I've been searching this forum for posts from guys that have had a similar situation but they are few and far between. Most of them posted their situation but never posted an update to what happened.

I understand why that happens now. Back then, I had an overwhelming urge to talk to someone anonymously about it. Now, that urge has gone and it feels unnecessary and also a bit wrong to be sharing details of things that happened without the people involved knowing.

I probably feel some sort of duty to explain how I got through this because I know there are people reading this now or maybe in the future that may be feeling what I was feeling months ago and wondering where to go with it. This isn't a howto, it may even be a hownotto but I think it's what I would've been looking for months ago. I remember wanting to read as many ways of dealing with it as possible, to understand what might happen with it. I was hoping for a way to be able to enjoy the fantasy without the reality but I think in my particular case, my girlfriend wanted the reality, I don't think that's the usual outcome, but it's something to consider.

What helped me the most were the 5-10 people that offered detailed answers/experiences, either on this thread or privately. Some had been through a similar situation and things were good now. Some had been through a similar situation and were warning me against what I was doing. Some had been through the situation from my friend's perspective and were able to offer insight there. Being able to speak to people like that has been invaluable so thanks to those people.

[Wantsomefunto]

Great posts anon! Please continue to chronicle your journey

[wannabecUKold]

I think the threads that are closest to your situation are

"Young married guy here" by rundannyrun, which is still live.

"Cuckold fantasies realized" by collegecuck_tx3.

Readers may recall other similar threads.

They both at least in part address the questions you seek answers to. But, like you, the guys have little choice but to go with their urge to be cuckolded, regardless of where it takes them. It is a strong urge and a beautiful thing to experience.

[Wannabe123]

I think the threads that are closest to your situation are

"Young married guy here" by rundannyrun, which is still live.

"Cuckold fantasies realized" by collegecuck_tx3.

Readers may recall other similar threads.

They both at least in part address the questions you seek answers to. But, like you, the guys have little choice but to go with their urge to be cuckolded, regardless of where it takes them. It is a strong urge and a beautiful thing to experience.

I would also add “So it begins...?” by oberothbeta.

[_xavier_]

I understand why that happens now. Back then, I had an overwhelming urge to talk to someone anonymously about it. Now, that urge has gone and it feels unnecessary and also a bit wrong to be sharing details of things that happened without the people involved knowing.

Maybe it would be hot for your gf to read about your progression here. Maybe if you talked with her about it, she'd encourage you to share your perspective on where it has and will go...?

[anondesires]

This may end up just being my Sunday morning (22nd June) thoughts. Months ago, that's what I would've wanted to read about and I'm writing for people that want to read what I would've wanted to read back then, anyone else that appreciates this sort of thing is obviously also welcome.

I woke up Sunday morning and did that thing of being happy and care-free until I remembered what had happened in the last 2 days and what was happening today. It kind of felt like rock bottom but not quite because he seemed good about it although he didn't have the full picture yet and I didn't know if/how/when he would find out about it. Also rock bottom sounds bad but I had spent the last few weeks having my masculinity and pride beaten to death, so rock bottom was only a small step down from there. There's also the flip side, the horny side of me that thought that this was the best thing ever. She was just plain excited, horny or not, but mostly horny.

As usual, there was a cycle of thoughts, the thoughts I would focus on to try to convince myself everything was fine, the thoughts that I couldn't control that would kick me in the balls and get me horny at the same time and the thoughts of worry and doubt.

I would convince myself it was fine, he thought we were just experimenting, as couples do in their early 20s before settling down. It doesn't mean anything. He would be wearing a condom so actually it would be like kissing through a pane of glass, nothings actually touching. She needs this to ease her sexual frustration, I can't do that for her so this is a practical solution. Everything's fine and almost normal.

It's just "meaningless sex" I thought to myself, as she had described it to me many times before. It's always seemed like an oxymoron to me. Sex is the most meaningful expression of trust and attraction that we have, not just as humans but most living things. Love doesn't get a woman pregnant, sex does. Love doesn't get a woman horny, get her on her knees, worshipping dick, screaming out your name in pleasure. Most women don't offer sex around to anyone, they have to be wooed and seduced. My girlfriend no longer submits to me, no longer sucks my dick. If it was that meaningless, she could do it for the man she loves, so clearly it's very meaningful. What we do is probably more like meaningless sex, it doesn't satisfy her as sex should so we may as well call it making love instead.

For a long time I had considered what it must be like for the other guy, having a big dick, having women willingly submit to you, worship your dick, easily cum, do whatever you ask of them and enjoy doing so and pleasing you. I'd wondered what they must think of the cuck, his wife/girlfriend and their relationship/situation. I'd imagine fucking some poor cuck's wife, not caring the she was married to him, that she was the love of his life, that he did everything for, not worrying how he might be worried about what we were doing or feeling for each other. I'd imagine a sexually frustrated wife that was grateful for my big dick and what it could do for her. I'd imagine how eager she would be to please me so that I'd come back again and satisfy her. I'd imagine how we would laugh about how she'd tell her cuck husband that it was "just meaningless sex" while we were in the throes of passion, her enjoying the best sex of her life, me enjoying using another horny married slut as my sex toy. I'd imagine filling her cunt with my seed for the poor cuck to clean up and how the urge to clean up must seem deranged for the guy I was imagining to be.

These thoughts would get me fairly horny and then I would remember that I'm that cuck, my girlfriend is that horny slut and my friend and girlfriend would be laughing at how they would tell me it was "just meaningless sex", all the while they were enjoying fucking each other, having the times of their lives, enjoying each others bodies in ways I can only imagine. This snap change of perspective kicked me hard in the balls, punched me right in the gut, got my heart beating out of my chest and made me so incredibly horny that I felt like I could cum. Why did thinking like this have this effect? Not only did it turn me on, I "wanted" it to be that way (when I was horny), I "wanted" them to fuck the shit out of each other with complete disregard for me. I "wanted" my beautiful girl to be a good little slut for him.

From his perspective, he's being offered to fuck the girl he's always wanted to fuck, the girl he's always been jealous of, the girl that's hotter than the girls he dates. He probably thinks this is a one-off. He's going to carelessly use her like a teenage boy uses a rental car. He probably thinks it's fine because I'll get to fuck one of her friends like that in return. At some point he'll probably find out that I'm not getting what he thinks I'm getting from this arrangement and then they'll really be laughing at me. He'll be using her like his little bitch, she'll be submitting willingly and they'll laugh about how hers is the second pussy he's had today and I've not been allowed to cum for a few days, how I'm probably outside the door, listening in and stroking my little dick. Again, this turns me on and makes me "want" it.

Who does that? Who lets the woman they love fuck guys that can really satisfy them? She'll say it's "meaningless sex" and that he's just a meaningless "sex toy" to her but come on, she doesn't look forward to seeing a sex toy again, she doesn't want to please her sex toy, she doesn't want to worship it and have it shoot a load deep inside her. I can understand with swinging, it's a bit of give and take, why don't I want that instead? It's crazy.

Then I'd cycle back round to convincing myself it's fine. I've seen her have "meaningless sex" before, it did look meaningless, they weren't laughing at me, she was having the time of her life, he was enjoying having a frustrated little slut on his dick but that's all it appeared to be. What was lined up for this day wouldn't be the same though, my friend would enjoy this in ways that other guy didn't, this was far more personal and the thoughts would cycle back round again.

Does this sound relatable? I'd be interested to know if other guys torment themselves like this and if so, how their thoughts differ.

[anondesires]

I think the threads that are closest to your situation are

"Young married guy here" by rundannyrun, which is still live.

"Cuckold fantasies realized" by collegecuck_tx3.

I would also add “So it begins...?” by oberothbeta.

They didn't match how I was feeling. They'd had the fantasies for a long time and had seemingly come to terms with it already. I remember not wanting to come to terms with it but also being unable to stop myself giving into it. I remember this one being a bit more relatable for me:
viewtopic.php?f=48&t=74792

[monraccoon]

i might have mentioned this before, but one that you might relate to is on the slutwives website under the tab for “legendary threads”. it’s a story in two parts: “my Korean adventure” and “Asian wife wants more”. it’s easily the most erotic story i’ve read. he’s a good writer, like you.

[venus-can99]

I always find reading your posts so refreshing- a brutally honest recounting of how you feel.

[elina]

Does this sound relatable? I'd be interested to know if other guys torment themselves like this and if so, how their thoughts differ.

It does,
But it is only one perspective.

Looking forward to read your reflections after the Sunday night to see what perspective you have at that point before making furhter comments. From your first post earlier this week I suspect your perspective may have broadened somewhat since the morning of June 22.

Sincere regards
elina

[anondesires]

Sunday (22nd June, 2 weeks ago)...
She was trying to be discrete about it but she was preparing for him coming over. She was in the shower a long time, washing her hair, shaving her legs and pussy, exfoliating her feet. In between these things she would spend time with me then try to get me distracted with something so she could disappear again to dry her hair, do whatever she does in front of the mirror. She was dressed cute and casual but I suspected she would be getting changed before he came over, what she was wearing didn't match the effort she was going to with other things.

Again, with the "meaningless sex" and "he's just a sex toy" things; she doesn't go to this effort for me, she wouldn't go to any effort for a toy, this was maximum effort, therefor it meant a lot to her.

There was some light teasing going on but there was an elephant in the room, we weren't talking about it seriously and it felt like we were trying to distract ourselves so as not to build it up. Other than that, it was a fairly normal Sunday, watching TV, preparing and eating breakfast/lunch together, tidying the house.

Probably an hour before he was supposed to come over, she called me to the bedroom. She was wearing a full lingerie set that I hadn't seen before (what she had bought along with the chastity cage that time). She had black suspenders and I think what's called a basque set? (I had to look it up) It's like a tight lacey corset/dress with matching underwear in black/pink. She had her tallest [slutty night out] heels on (in the house!? on carpet!?) and her make-up was done to match, slutty but classy. I sat on the bed and soaked in what I was seeing. She looked amazing. She asked if she looked ok, I told her it's probably the hottest I've ever seen her look. I asked if she was overdoing it a bit, she said this was for me and we would adjust it to suit after.

She got up close in front of me, towering over me in her heels, her boobs pushed up close together. We embraced, she told me she loves me, I told her the same, we kissed. I was being careful not to smudge her lipstick, she could tell and told me not to worry about it, she'd redo it. She straddled me and reminded me that I still had the safe word. She pointed out that I didn't seem to like the safe word (I'd still never used it). She offered me another out to this situation. She reminded me that I'm physically stronger than her, if I wanted to show her that she was mine, pin her down and make her mine, I could do that... This was a moment, part of me wanted to do that but that part of me didn't surface. Her beauty, her commanding tone, everything about her in that moment made me feel like I couldn't tame her or even attempt to. She looked at me, waiting. She said "You'd rather I sit on your face and have you worship my pussy, wouldn't you?". I didn't answer but I knew she was right, from the moment I walked in, I'd wanted that. She pushed me back on the bed, held my arms down with her hands and then her legs, held her crotch above my face. "This is what you want? You'd rather your best friend has his way with me? With me looking like this..? It's not too late to change your mind...".

There was a voice in my head screaming at me to man up and fuck this girl. Who wouldn't fuck a girl that looks this hot? I knew I was strong enough to throw her off of me but I couldn't muster the will to. All I wanted was for her to push her underwear aside and to feel that wet pussy grind against my mouth. She made the motion but didn't push her underwear aside or lower herself down. She told me that even though she has no feelings for him at all, she was going to enjoy it, having a man want her, show dominance and fuck her like she needs. She told me that she wouldn't be holding back, she'd do as he asked, she'd give him everything. She told me she needed that. This felt like she was clearing her conscience in advance, so she wouldn't feel guilt for letting go with him. I could sense some guilt from her telling me. I think we both knew this was a crossroad in our relationship, I think part of her felt like I might suddenly be what she needed me to be and we might somehow forge a new sex life but we both knew that wasn't truly possible.

She rolled off of me and laid next to me, she asked if I wanted to watch. I told her I wanted to but didn't think I could. We decided that they would start downstairs, I would go to get another drink when I was feeling uncomfortable and she would take him to the bedroom. We set up the secret camera in the bedroom, the angle wasn't great but it was a trade off, there's only so many places you can put a power bank and it not look weird.

Sorry, I'm out of time, I'll post this now so I don't risk losing it, not sure if I'll be able to continue today, probably tomorrow.

[Midnight Joker]

Great update. You were sharing her before, but tonight you become a real cuck. She wants a man to dominate and make her his for the night. Worship that used pussy and make her your when she comes back. Keep the connection.

Can't wait for your next update!

[Bboy0804]

i might have mentioned this before, but one that you might relate to is on the slutwives website under the tab for “legendary threads”. it’s a story in two parts: “my Korean adventure” and “Asian wife wants more”. it’s easily the most erotic story i’ve read. he’s a good writer, like you.

Can you post an url ? Or isn’t that allowed ? Best regards, bboy

[sucker00]

Anon,

I doubt that your friend thinks that you two are having an open relationship. Based on what I’ve read, guys with BDE are often times intuitive about these things and have learned to read the room, so to speak. If you asked your friend what he thinks is going on, I bet that he would say exactly what you have said…that your girl is horny and is looking to get from him, what she can’t get from you. I say this in part, based on some of the conversation I’ve related between you and your friend previously. Remember when you wrote about your friend joking about how if you two swapped girlfriends and how he’d end up with both girls worshipping his big dick and you would be jerking yoirself off while watching? This was him telling you what her perceives and believes about you, but playing it off as a “just kidding”. Both alpha and beta personalities give off a presence that the other persona perceives and understands….this is the nature of human nature. My guess is, your friend has gone as far as fantasized about fucking your girl in front of you in a way that humiliates you which would emphasize his alpha personas. At the same time, I think he respects you as a friend, but he can’t help want was his lustful nature desires, which is your girl.

I also think that despite what you’ve said about yourself, that there’s always been this beta part of your persona that’s you’ve kept buried and suppressed until now, because the circumstance at the present is too strong for you to suppress it. Of this wasn’t the case, you would have drawn a line with your GF and told her that if she crossed that line, you were out.

I may be wrong here, but this is what I perceive from your account. Thank you for coming back to continue to share your story.

[parheliam]

From what i can tell from your way of writing i do believe that now you are "in peace" with all what happened and you are optimistic on how things went and will go from now on. So with this scenario in mind i cannot wait to find out how everything developed not only that sunday but untill now, as we have 3 weeks of catching up with you

[Cuckcuckgoose1]

Sunday (22nd June, 2 weeks ago)...
She was trying to be discrete about it but she was preparing for him coming over. She was in the shower a long time, washing her hair, shaving her legs and pussy, exfoliating her feet. In between these things she would spend time with me then try to get me distracted with something so she could disappear again to dry her hair, do whatever she does in front of the mirror. She was dressed cute and casual but I suspected she would be getting changed before he came over, what she was wearing didn't match the effort she was going to with other things.

Again, with the "meaningless sex" and "he's just a sex toy" things; she doesn't go to this effort for me, she wouldn't go to any effort for a toy, this was maximum effort, therefor it meant a lot to her.

There was some light teasing going on but there was an elephant in the room, we weren't talking about it seriously and it felt like we were trying to distract ourselves so as not to build it up. Other than that, it was a fairly normal Sunday, watching TV, preparing and eating breakfast/lunch together, tidying the house.

Probably an hour before he was supposed to come over, she called me to the bedroom. She was wearing a full lingerie set that I hadn't seen before (what she had bought along with the chastity cage that time). She had black suspenders and I think what's called a basque set? (I had to look it up) It's like a tight lacey corset/dress with matching underwear in black/pink. She had her tallest [slutty night out] heels on (in the house!? on carpet!?) and her make-up was done to match, slutty but classy. I sat on the bed and soaked in what I was seeing. She looked amazing. She asked if she looked ok, I told her it's probably the hottest I've ever seen her look. I asked if she was overdoing it a bit, she said this was for me and we would adjust it to suit after.

She got up close in front of me, towering over me in her heels, her boobs pushed up close together. We embraced, she told me she loves me, I told her the same, we kissed. I was being careful not to smudge her lipstick, she could tell and told me not to worry about it, she'd redo it. She straddled me and reminded me that I still had the safe word. She pointed out that I didn't seem to like the safe word (I'd still never used it). She offered me another out to this situation. She reminded me that I'm physically stronger than her, if I wanted to show her that she was mine, pin her down and make her mine, I could do that... This was a moment, part of me wanted to do that but that part of me didn't surface. Her beauty, her commanding tone, everything about her in that moment made me feel like I couldn't tame her or even attempt to. She looked at me, waiting. She said "You'd rather I sit on your face and have you worship my pussy, wouldn't you?". I didn't answer but I knew she was right, from the moment I walked in, I'd wanted that. She pushed me back on the bed, held my arms down with her hands and then her legs, held her crotch above my face. "This is what you want? You'd rather your best friend has his way with me? With me looking like this..? It's not too late to change your mind...".

There was a voice in my head screaming at me to man up and fuck this girl. Who wouldn't fuck a girl that looks this hot? I knew I was strong enough to throw her off of me but I couldn't muster the will to. All I wanted was for her to push her underwear aside and to feel that wet pussy grind against my mouth. She made the motion but didn't push her underwear aside or lower herself down. She told me that even though she has no feelings for him at all, she was going to enjoy it, having a man want her, show dominance and fuck her like she needs. She told me that she wouldn't be holding back, she'd do as he asked, she'd give him everything. She told me she needed that. This felt like she was clearing her conscience in advance, so she wouldn't feel guilt for letting go with him. I could sense some guilt from her telling me. I think we both knew this was a crossroad in our relationship, I think part of her felt like I might suddenly be what she needed me to be and we might somehow forge a new sex life but we both knew that wasn't truly possible.

She rolled off of me and laid next to me, she asked if I wanted to watch. I told her I wanted to but didn't think I could. We decided that they would start downstairs, I would go to get another drink when I was feeling uncomfortable and she would take him to the bedroom. We set up the secret camera in the bedroom, the angle wasn't great but it was a trade off, there's only so many places you can put a power bank and it not look weird.

Sorry, I'm out of time, I'll post this now so I don't risk losing it, not sure if I'll be able to continue today, probably tomorrow.

Anon....you are a master of the "cliff hanger". And I love it.

[coastalkid]

Sunday (22nd June, 2 weeks ago)...
Again, with the "meaningless sex" and "he's just a sex toy" things; she doesn't go to this effort for me, she wouldn't go to any effort for a toy, this was maximum effort, therefor it meant a lot to her.

It sure seems like there is a huge difference in what "meaningless sex" means to you and what it means to your gf.

She got up close in front of me, towering over me in her heels, her boobs pushed up close together. We embraced, she told me she loves me, I told her the same, we kissed. I was being careful not to smudge her lipstick, she could tell and told me not to worry about it, she'd redo it. She straddled me and reminded me that I still had the safe word. She pointed out that I didn't seem to like the safe word (I'd still never used it). She offered me another out to this situation. She reminded me that I'm physically stronger than her, if I wanted to show her that she was mine, pin her down and make her mine, I could do that... This was a moment, part of me wanted to do that but that part of me didn't surface. Her beauty, her commanding tone, everything about her in that moment made me feel like I couldn't tame her or even attempt to. She looked at me, waiting. She said "You'd rather I sit on your face and have you worship my pussy, wouldn't you?". I didn't answer but I knew she was right, from the moment I walked in, I'd wanted that. She pushed me back on the bed, held my arms down with her hands and then her legs, held her crotch above my face. "This is what you want? You'd rather your best friend has his way with me? With me looking like this..? It's not too late to change your mind...".

If you had suddenly changed your mind do you think your gf would be happy or disappointed? It sounds like she would be understanding if you had. It sounds like she knew there would be implications for either decision you would make. Implications with profound affects for how you both see each other and how you see yourselves. She may have difficulty if she has mind blowing sex and then has to spend a greater portion of time dealing with a "basket case" for a boyfriend.

There was a voice in my head screaming at me to man up and fuck this girl. Who wouldn't fuck a girl that looks this hot? I knew I was strong enough to throw her off of me but I couldn't muster the will to. All I wanted was for her to push her underwear aside and to feel that wet pussy grind against my mouth. She made the motion but didn't push her underwear aside or lower herself down. She told me that even though she has no feelings for him at all, she was going to enjoy it, having a man want her, show dominance and fuck her like she needs. She told me that she wouldn't be holding back, she'd do as he asked, she'd give him everything. She told me she needed that. This felt like she was clearing her conscience in advance, so she wouldn't feel guilt for letting go with him. I could sense some guilt from her telling me. I think we both knew this was a crossroad in our relationship, I think part of her felt like I might suddenly be what she needed me to be and we might somehow forge a new sex life but we both knew that wasn't truly possible.

This part feels like she was telling you she was going to give you what you "think" you want and there would be no blame on her part. She knows that at this point there would never be any going back. She gave you the opportunity to "man up" and you didn't take it. That had to speak volumes about what she thought of you at that moment. It also will be a moment that may haunt your thoughts forever.

She rolled off of me and laid next to me, she asked if I wanted to watch. I told her I wanted to but didn't think I could. We decided that they would start downstairs, I would go to get another drink when I was feeling uncomfortable and she would take him to the bedroom.

If you were "all in" you would have had no trouble watching. It's clear there is more conflict in your mind than you can vocalize to your gf. Once this becomes a "normal" routine for you do you think your feelings will change? Will you be able to find a sense of pride in yourself for giving your gf what she needed despite the inner turmoil that results deep inside your heart and soul? If things go "off the rails" and you and your gf split up (and I'm not saying that you will) would you seek this kind of thing/relationship again? Ultimately, I guess it's the lure of the thrill versus the angst, doubt and self judgement. Eventually, the thrill can only last so long over time. It will be replaced with established expectations that carry less thrilling inspiration, a new routine.

From reading your posts I can't tell if your gf is trying to shock you out of what you think you want or if she truly does need it. I also can't tell if your gf is more aware of the implications and the affect on you than you are yourself. From what I read in your posts you characterize your gf as thoughtful and conscientious. That's a huge benefit in your favor! These are just my thoughts and NOTHING more, no judgements here, just my own feelings.

[wannabecUKold]

To coastalkid's
"It's clear there is more conflict in your mind than you can vocalize to your gf."
Anondesires' account of catching Lauren sucking the best friend's cock is perhaps the best evidence. He let them carry on, he was instantly highly aroused. Realising the humiliation of it only turned him on more. He does not recount any real internal battle, he is definitely on the cuckold side, letting them continue. He is of course highly embarrassed at his position.

She was clearly trying to get him interested but wasn't brave enough to initiate her plan. I went upstairs to the toilet and she and I exchanged glances as I left. We'd discussed the night before that she might need me to give them a few minutes alone so I checked my news feed and whatever else to pass a few minutes while I was there.

When I returned, I honestly wasn't expecting anything, I pictured them being as I had left them, as had been the way the hundred or so other times I had gone to the toilet when he was over. What I came back to was her on her knees, between his legs as he was laid back in the armchair. Her head was bobbing up and down and she was making slurping noises. I couldn't see his cock but I knew it was happening. It felt like my jaw must've dropped as I realised what was happening. I could sense he was looking at me but I avoided looking at him. I looked at her just long enough to realise what was happening, she didn't look at me or stop what she was doing. I panicked and offered them another drink as a way to leave the room and regain composure. He replied "the same again if you don't mind" but she didn't reply.

After turning the corner to be out of sight, I took out my dick and started stroking. I felt like such a cuck. I had just walked in on my girlfriend sucking my best friend's cock in my own house and I'd sheepishly walked away and offered to get him a drink while he enjoys the pleasures of my girlfriend's lips around his shaft. Realising the humiliation of it only turned me on more. Realising that here I was, stroking my dick in the kitchen to the thought of what was going on in the next room compounded it. I didn't want to but I needed to pry my hand away from my dick, I couldn't let myself cum. I opened the fridge and tried to make general kitchen and "drinks making" noises to buy myself time. I didn't know how to go back into the room, it was awkward. I could hear them making noises. I would cycle between occasionally opening/closing the fridge or moving glasses around in the cupboard and then return to stroking my dick. I heard what sounded like him cumming, it was difficult not to cum myself. I went about actually pouring our drinks and tried to hide my erection after realising it wasn't going to go away soon then I walked back in carrying 2 drinks as if nothing had happened.

They were sat a little awkwardly but nothing was going on when I entered which is what I hoped. I didn't have a plan for if it was still going on. Nothing was said about it and it was a bit awkward after that but he didn't stay long.

[anondesires]

Anon....you are a master of the "cliff hanger". And I love it.

It's not intentional. Until a couple of weeks ago I felt stressed about not getting behind with telling what was happening, things were changing fast, if I got behind then feedback/advice wasn't relevant. The downside was that I would skip details out to save time (so I could go to bed usually).

Now, we're 2 weeks behind, things are fairly stable and I'm no longer looking for advice on something that happened this morning for example. So I'm able to put in the detail I want without worrying about finishing it in a single post. The downside now is I can't really comment on the feedback.

[anondesires]

It sure seems like there is a huge difference in what "meaningless sex" means to you and what it means to your gf.

I understand what she means by it (and what is generally meant by it), I'm merely pointing out that there can be a different perspective to it.

If you had suddenly changed your mind do you think your gf would be happy or disappointed? It sounds like she would be understanding if you had. It sounds like she knew there would be implications for either decision you would make. Implications with profound affects for how you both see each other and how you see yourselves. She may have difficulty if she has mind blowing sex and then has to spend a greater portion of time dealing with a "basket case" for a boyfriend.

I think she would've been both happy and disappointed for different reasons either way. We've tried monogamy and me being the dominant one, it worked ok for a while but wasn't sustainable. We both have urges for something else. Maybe we try it, maybe we don't like it and can't come back from it but the previous direction felt like it reached it's natural end.

This part feels like she was telling you she was going to give you what you "think" you want and there would be no blame on her part. She knows that at this point there would never be any going back. She gave you the opportunity to "man up" and you didn't take it. That had to speak volumes about what she thought of you at that moment. It also will be a moment that may haunt your thoughts forever.

I probably didn't paint the picture as well as I could've. She was giving me the opportunity to man up, she said it like it was simple and being offered on a plate. However... she was very much playing dominant, she may as well have been wielding the strapon and have had a whip in her hand. She was offering it but I think she was giving me an illusion of choice, knowing full well what I would choose. I think she also needed more confidence to be able to let go without worrying about me and our relationship. She wanted to experience her own submission again, she was letting me know that the training wheels were coming off.

If you were "all in" you would have had no trouble watching. It's clear there is more conflict in your mind than you can vocalize to your gf. Once this becomes a "normal" routine for you do you think your feelings will change? Will you be able to find a sense of pride in yourself for giving your gf what she needed despite the inner turmoil that results deep inside your heart and soul? If things go "off the rails" and you and your gf split up (and I'm not saying that you will) would you seek this kind of thing/relationship again? Ultimately, I guess it's the lure of the thrill versus the angst, doubt and self judgement. Eventually, the thrill can only last so long over time. It will be replaced with established expectations that carry less thrilling inspiration, a new routine.

From reading your posts I can't tell if your gf is trying to shock you out of what you think you want or if she truly does need it. I also can't tell if your gf is more aware of the implications and the affect on you than you are yourself. From what I read in your posts you characterize your gf as thoughtful and conscientious. That's a huge benefit in your favor! These are just my thoughts and NOTHING more, no judgements here, just my own feelings.

I'd watched her before. My issue with watching was I didn't feel comfortable with what my friend would think of me. I think both my girlfriend and I were a little conflicted about where we were headed. I think we both had stages of thinking maybe this was a bad idea, maybe we could go back but then realised that going back wouldn't work and going forward with this let us both enjoy our urges and our relationship felt just as good if not better for it.

[coastalkid]

Thanks for your clarification!

[anondesires]

We were probably making out and being generally affectionate with each other on the bed for 20-30 mins. Our emotions were a bit crazy and bouncing off each other. I was dwelling on how she had suggested that I could overpower her and fuck her. Like I explained in an answer to a question:

She was giving me the opportunity to man up, she said it like it was simple and being offered on a plate. However... she was very much playing dominant, she may as well have been wielding the strapon and have had a whip in her hand. She was offering it but I think she was giving me an illusion of choice, knowing full well what I would choose. I think she also needed more confidence to be able to let go without worrying about me and our relationship. She wanted to experience her own submission again, she was letting me know that the training wheels were coming off.

That dominant facade came off when she rolled off of me. We were very much in loving couple mode, her in my arms. I considered that I could even more easily now overpower her and fuck her, she looked so hot but I knew no good would come of it. We'd both probably enjoy it for a few minutes but then I would probably only last a few minutes, she would be left still frustrated, she then wouldn't want to fuck my friend being full of my cum and would be annoyed at me.

I didn't want her to fuck my friend though. I had a bit of a resurgence, focussing on how much I didn't want that to happen, I convinced myself this was my last chance to stop it, that it was the right thing to do, what she really wanted me to do. I got on top of her, held her arms down and kissed her passionately, she responded hornily, she was enjoying it, I started kissing her neck like I was initiating sex, she moaned a little and then squealed at me to stop. I refused and continued which she was still enjoying despite protesting. I told her she was "pleading", in a way that mimicked what she would say to me in recent times. She told me I'd had my chance and didn't take it but her body was responding to my touch like she didn't want me to stop. "You might know how to get me going but you can't take me all the way..." she said in a breathy/horny tone. It was true. "What are you going to do? Give me a few thrusts of smaller-than-average dick? I'd rather wait for the real deal...". She had disarmed me with words and sentiment. I stopped, we both looked into each others eyes, my hands still holding her arms down. We were both horny and frustrated. She apologised but then realised she had probably turned me on with her words. She had. She teased that I had got her wet and horny for my friend. I let her arms go, we went back to a loving embrace, it felt like my fate was now sealed.

She started fixing her lip gloss, it was the only thing that needed fixing. Even in my moment of madness I didn't want to spoil her perfection. She asked what she should change to not appear to be overdoing it. I said the heels looked dangerous on carpet/stairs, she took them off. I asked if she had anything that could go over the lingerie. She pulled out a long coat but it looked like she was going for a winter walk. She then put on a black silk night robe that I didn't even know she had. There was a knock at the front door. I said it was nice and went to answer the door, leaving her in front of the mirror.

My friend had a smile on his face and a spring in his step as he bounded in. He said we were crazy but that he wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth. I offered him a drink and returned with it in time to see my girlfriend come downstairs and present herself. Even though I had just seen her, it looked even more sexy when it wasn't just me seeing her. He seemed blown away too and complimented her as such. There was a bit of small talk but then she asked if he was still up for what they had discussed. He said "of course, as if I was going to turn that down...". She let her robe drop to the floor and then she dropped to her knees, a few steps in front of the chair he was sitting in. She leant back on her arms outstretched behind her, her knees spread wide, exposing her underwear and said "I'm all yours". He was almost speechless, I think he said "holy shit" or something like that, I was probably even more stunned than him and said nothing.

He asked her for a strip show and a lap dance (the nerve?!). She didn't even question it and started posing for him, revealing her body bit by bit. I almost forgot she was my girlfriend, she looked like a stripper or a pornstar. It was like being at a strip club, seeing that he'd found the hottest stripper in the club, me being happy for him and hoping for a turn with her when he stops paying up.

Her corset thing came off, leaving her stockings a little loose. She grinded against his crotch, with her back to him and then her front, her legs spread and dangling over the sides of the chair. She gave him a boob tease, pushed his face into her cleavage. He reached behind her and took her bra off. Seeing her familiar (to me) boobs in my best friends face was a moment for me. She hadn't looked in my direction at all. This was very different to last time with her "ex", she was confident and focussed, it was sexy to see her like this. I was in a sort of trance and hadn't noticed she had now taken his dick out and was stroking it.

She got off of him and returned to the floor, wearing just her loose stockings and thong. She spread her legs and seductively peeled off one of her stockings and tried to fire it at him with her toes and then repeated with the other (they didn't go far ). She run her bare feet along his thighs, teasing him with them, he refrained from touching them. She stroked his dick with one foot and then both, I could tell he was enjoying it more than he wanted to show, his eyes and face were fixated on them.

She got back on her knees and asked him to stand. She pulled his jeans and shorts down a bit further, exposing his massive erection to me for the first time. She stroked it with her hands, teased it with her mouth, lips and tongue. She looked up at him with it resting against her mouth, he put his hand on her head and pulled her mouth down around his shaft. She sucked for a bit, he let go of her, she took a bit of a breath and as she went to suck again, she made eye contact with me for what was the first time I had noticed and held it for probably a few thrusts of her head. Her mouth looked very full and stretched. He then looked over to see what she was looking at. I went from feeling like a fly on the wall to very uncomfortable.

I didn't look at him but could see him looking at me in my peripheral vision. I wondered what he was thinking. I flashed back to all those times where he would joke about fucking her in front of me. Here we were, my girlfriend almost naked, sucking his cock while I watch, my dick rock hard, me desperately trying to act casual and hide my arousal. Part of me wanted him to humiliate me, remind me of all of those times which were now coming true but I'm glad he didn't.

I waited 30 seconds or so, so it didn't seem like I was running away, meanwhile downing the rest of my drink. I offered more drinks. He declined and she didn't answer because she was sucking his cock, so I retreated to the kitchen. Similarly to last time, as soon as I thought I was out of sight, my dick was in my hand, trying to enjoy the feeling but trying not to cum. I heard their voices followed by some shuffling and creaking of stairs. Shit had got real...

[Wannabe123]

Thank you anon for sharing this. You are an amazing man for letting your friend have a go.

[parheliam]

Cmon man, you're like season 2 of squid game. You wait for 2 years to see it and they split it in half and makes you wait another year