Recently started getting fantasies. How to cope with it?

[anondesires]

Did you and your girlfriend speak about the invocation of the safeword?

We've talked about it a lot. She's been really apologetic and she's still surprised I finally used it.

What have the discussions been about following that?

Trying to assess where we're at, what we want. She agrees that it was probably getting too casual, too convenient and has agreed to back it off a bit. Apparently he also messaged her to check everything's ok, he felt uncomfortable with the whole session after the safe word point.

Has it changed the general vibe of everything?

I would say it has. I don't know why. I think the mood wasn't there for me and I knew it since Saturday night. It feels like I've passed on that mood to them too. It's interesting that she's understanding me now. I don't think she was reading me well on Saturday night when I questioned it or maybe she just thought it would figure itself out. Maybe it would've been fine if we repeated last time without pushing it further.

What were your feelings about Your girl going to your friend on Friday after getting flirting whilst out on Friday night?

I can understand why she did it. It's a bit of a gut punch that she took that horny energy from flirting back to him instead of me. It definitely felt like she had been looking forward to sharing it with me but knew she would ultimately be left frustrated if she did.

[DoctorLuv]

I think you should tell your friend that both of you should be glad. That’s because immediately prior to his most recent sexual tryst with your gf, he had confided that she was pressuring him to have you suck his cock. That info clearly raised your spidey sense while you were blindfolded & bound that your friend & gf may have may have conspired to thrust his cock into your mouth against your will and without you being able to prevent its insertion. Obviously your gf has become a master at persuading & manipulating both you and your friend, especially when you have erections. At any rate, tell your friend that had you not used the safe word & had he & your gf thrust his cock into your mouth, when he pulled it out, it would be 4 to 5 inches shorter. That’s assuming at the hospital he was taken to repair his cock after you had bitten it in half there was a surgeon skilled enough to preserve the remnant you left him. Tell him your reaction to bite his cock in half would’ve been done without malice. Your reaction would’ve been reflexive & defensive, not hostile or with forethought. Ask him what he would do if he awoke with someone thrusting their cock in his mouth & he was bound and unable to otherwise defend himself.

[_xavier_]

I think she obviously finds the idea, and the dominant aspect of it hot (getting you to suck on a cock), but I suspect she also thought you secretly wanted to and maybe were just too embarrassed and needed to be led there / coerced. Maybe from all her research on the subject, and since you accepted eating creampies without using a safeword, she figured you ultimately want her to take you to that point. And now she knows that's not true. Or, at least, she knows it's not true for now - things do sometimes change with time.

Still, now she knows your limit, and she'll probably be more careful and considerate and reassuring. Taking a step back is a good idea. As long as you really want her to. Do you?

[elina]

I think she obviously finds the idea, and the dominant aspect of it hot (getting you to suck on a cock), but I suspect she also thought you secretly wanted to and maybe were just too embarrassed and needed to be led there / coerced. Maybe from all her research on the subject, and since you accepted eating creampies without using a safeword, she figured you ultimately want her to take you to that point. And now she knows that's not true. Or, at least, she knows it's not true for now - things do sometimes change with time.

Still, now she knows your limit, and she'll probably be more careful and considerate and reassuring. Taking a step back is a good idea. As long as you really want her to. Do you?

I think I agree with Xavier on this.

In some sense, using the safe-word sort of breaks the magic spell. You, Anondesires clearly feels that; and you also (probably correctly) senses that it has broken the magic spell for your Girlfriend and your friend.

The interesting thing now is how this will change things in the longer run. It may be easier to pop the magic-bubble than to create a new one. At the same time, don't be surprised if both you and your Girlfriend will soon start to long to be back in that bubble....

Your Girlfriend in particular may be fealing somewhat crashed now. Up till now, whenever She pushed your boundaries, you would always yield, not straight away all the time but eventually. This time you didn't and it may make Her feel confused and less self-confident. Some of Her Sexyness and allure may very well be due to that feeling of self-confidence. If you elect not to try to help Her rebuild that, She may lose some interest. And then what?

But please Anon, whatever you do, please keep posting. Especially if "nothing interesting happened"

Sincerely
elina

[anondesires]

Still, now she knows your limit, and she'll probably be more careful and considerate and reassuring. Taking a step back is a good idea. As long as you really want her to. Do you?

She's admitted that she got carried away because she was excited to have me do it. She claims that she doesn't think she would've actually made me do it. I don't know how close it was but from my perspective it felt like a split second away.

I don't know what I want, I'm confused. It feels like the momentum has died a bit but her sex drive won't rest for long, it's just a matter of time before she'll be needing it so I don't see any need to encourage her in either direction.

[Jeremie11231]

That seems very normal to me.
There are stumbles and hiccups and times when things are just not hot.
The broader "real" life surrounding us is always big and creeps in. It's impossible for things to just be hot all the time, and get hotter and hotter and hotter. That's okay. Not-hot times are a good time to just check in and give yourself some love and reassurance that exploring all these things is a legit and worthy and healthy thing. Exploring submissiveness is, I think, an especially worthy and liberating thing. You've been doing so great. So has your girlfriend. I think you are right to just let things unfold in their time - no need to take some specific action. It will come back, for sure...

Also, I definitely agree with Elina above (Pretty much everything Elina ever says, I 100% agree with! And always so wisely and eloquently written.)
While it might seem counterintuitive, because you feel like you're the vulnerable one in all of this, your girlfriend is actually quite vulnerable. And so is your friend, for that matter! But moreso your girlfriend. The boundaries she is daring to cross are all the cultural voices saying that she is not allowed to have uninhibited sexual desire and that she must not be a 'slut', etc, etc. And that she must not be dominant and bossy. It actually takes a huge amount of guts to go out on a limb and exert dominance. Because if you fail, or someone does not submit (or uses a safe word) you can look or feel super stupid. And it takes a lot of attention and discernment and just plain energy to be both a submissive partner to another person, while being a careful, wise, and attentive dominant to you as her boyfriend. So when there is a stumble, that could feel extra deflating to her. Just give each other some grace and some love and appreciate each other for all the vulnerability both of you have been so courageous with.

[DoctorLuv]

There’s a difference between fantasy and reality and also between fantasy and true desire. That’s why safe words exist. There’s a difference between sexual play and sexual assault. That’s why safe words exist. Sometimes an individual can even be shamed for using a safe word. The can be accused of being a “Debbie downer,” a wet blanket, square, or too vanilla. Shaming an individual for setting a boundary and keeping it is not loving behavior. Dumping the responsibility on an individual for others’ happiness, fulfillment, or magic bubbles can be grossly unfair. That’s especially true when all one has done is maintain a boundary that they had clearly established.

It’s silly to diminish the consequences of anondesire sucking his best friend’s cock. If he & his girlfriend want to explore him sucking cock as a part of their dynamic, they need to do it with someone a lot more anonymous. At least then if afterwards they find it isn’t for them, they can make it a one and done experience without continually being reminded of it. Sucking his best friend’s cock would not only profoundly affect anondesire’s relationship with him, if his friend betrayed their confidence, it would also affect anondesire’s relationship with their entire circle of friends.
His friend has already told anondesire that his other relationships can’t match the sexual chemistry he has with anondesire’s gf. If he develops even deeper feelings for his gf, he may very well act like a vengeful, spurned lover if and when he is cut loose.

[ppisbest5]

There’s a difference between fantasy and reality and also between fantasy and true desire. That’s why safe words exist. There’s a difference between sexual play and sexual assault. That’s why safe words exist. Sometimes an individual can even be shamed for using a safe word. The can be accused of being a “Debbie downer,” a wet blanket, square, or too vanilla. Shaming an individual for setting a boundary and keeping it is not loving behavior. Dumping the responsibility on an individual for others’ happiness, fulfillment, or magic bubbles can be grossly unfair. That’s especially true when all one has done is maintain a boundary that they have clearly established.

It’s silly to diminish the consequences of anondesire sucking his best friend’s cock. If he & his girlfriend want to explore him sucking cock as a part of their dynamic, they need to do it with someone a lot more anonymous. At least then if afterwards they find it isn’t for them, they can make it a one and done experience without continually being reminded of it. Sucking his best friend’s cock would not only profoundly affect anondesire’s relationship with him, if his friend betrayed their confidence, it would also affect anondesire’s relationship with their entire circle of friends.
His friend has already told anondesire that his other relationships can’t match the sexual chemistry he has with anondesire’s gf. If he develops even deeper feelings for his gf, he may very well act like a vengeful, spurned lover if and when he is cut loose.

Finally someone else who makes some actually logical and realistic points! I felt weird trying to make all my cautious posts when literally everyone else was just urging anon into oblivion.

Your point about the friend become vengeful is a solid reason why anon should not suck him. It could be that they disagree on a completely different thing and then the friend pulls out this trump card which would really mess up anons relationship with all their friend group. Obviously this is hypothetical since he seems to be a good friend for the most part but you can never be to careful.

i feel like his girlfriend prior to the use of safeword spent no time thinking about the consequences of all this for anon but just kept it pushing like it was an exciting game for her. While it obviously is an exciting game, there should be a lot more consideration on her part since they are playing with his close friend.

As always, I hope you keep having fun Anon and keep thinking with your big head instead of little one when making potentially big decisions.

[coastalkid]

There’s a difference between fantasy and reality and also between fantasy and true desire. That’s why safe words exist. There’s a difference between sexual play and sexual assault. That’s why safe words exist. Sometimes an individual can even be shamed for using a safe word. The can be accused of being a “Debbie downer,” a wet blanket, square, or too vanilla. Shaming an individual for setting a boundary and keeping it is not loving behavior. Dumping the responsibility on an individual for others’ happiness, fulfillment, or magic bubbles can be grossly unfair. That’s especially true when all one has done is maintain a boundary that they had clearly established.

It’s silly to diminish the consequences of anondesire sucking his best friend’s cock. If he & his girlfriend want to explore him sucking cock as a part of their dynamic, they need to do it with someone a lot more anonymous. At least then if afterwards they find it isn’t for them, they can make it a one and done experience without continually being reminded of it. Sucking his best friend’s cock would not only profoundly affect anondesire’s relationship with him, if his friend betrayed their confidence, it would also affect anondesire’s relationship with their entire circle of friends.
His friend has already told anondesire that his other relationships can’t match the sexual chemistry he has with anondesire’s gf. If he develops even deeper feelings for his gf, he may very well act like a vengeful, spurned lover if and when he is cut loose.

Reality has it's own set of consequences that are far too often ignored.

[anondesires]

Luckily, he and I can still joke about the situation. He told me I had him worried I would go through with it. I asked him why he didn't stop it himself. He said it was counterintuitive to pull away when my girlfriend was sucking his cock so well. He then said that he was curious to see if I'd actually do it. He said he would've probably pulled away if I had started. I questioned the "probably" part. He said it was difficult to imagine not doing so.

I felt like I should've joked about the "probably" part further but in that hypothetical situation, I'm definitely coming off worse so I changed the subject instead.

[MatureCouple]

What if your gf blindfolds you while you're naked and sitting in a chair, and has your friend suck your cock? You wouldn't know if it was her sucking you or him. She could make this happen. I appears that your friend has been thinking of you sucking his cock... I think your friend wants you to suck his cock, but he may be thinking of sucking yours too.

Would you object to him sucking your cock?

[venus-can99]

Thanks for the update Anon... looks like the 2 of you can still joke about this make light of an uncomfortable (for all of you) situation. Once you and gf have had time to reflect and discuss you can move forward. I like the way all of you are being responsible adults after an interesting (?) event.

[DoctorLuv]

Luckily, he and I can still joke about the situation. He told me I had him worried I would go through with it. I asked him why he didn't stop it himself. He said it was counterintuitive to pull away when my girlfriend was sucking his cock so well. He then said that he was curious to see if I'd actually do it. He said he would've probably pulled away if I had started. I questioned the "probably" part. He said it was difficult to imagine not doing so.

I felt like I should've joked about the "probably" part further but in that hypothetical situation, I'm definitely coming off worse so I changed the subject instead.

I, too, think it’s great you can still joke with your friend about your experience. Frankly as I posted earlier, you should have mentioned at that time that had he pushed his cock in your mouth while you were in such a helpless position, you fear you might have reflexively bitten it in half. Of course you should laugh as you say it, but then you should add, “Seriously, I fear I might have really done it.” Truths said in jest can have great power and be very persuasive.
From your description of your friend, it appears he has little going for him other than his big cock. Even the risk of its serious injury or actual loss will greatly increase his respect for your boundaries.

[hubudig2]

So where's your head at when it comes to sucking his cock? (Pun unintended).
You've been clear that it's not something you will do but you've said in the past that something about it turns you on, I assume that's still the case?
You feel like you've come close to it and aborted. You must've rerun that moment in your head since?
Have you thought about what it might've been like if you didn't use the safe word?
Did him saying that he might not have stopped it change anything for you?
What if he outright told you he wanted you to do it?

[wannabecUKold]

You wouldn't know if it was her sucking you or him.

Actually you would normally know, since almost invariably you’d feel the rough chin or moustache area. (The guy’s, ofc)
Nevertheless it wouldn’t surprise me if the best friend was keen to suck Anon’s cock but scared he’d look gay. Anon’s smaller cock would be a joy to suck. The gf should organise it for ghe guys.

[DoctorLuv]

Just for some context of my earlier posts, I’m a trauma surgeon who was lucky enough to retire at age 59. I was fortunate enough to have made good investments in my 401K such that after retirement my income and lifestyle didn’t need to change.
At any rate I saw a number of mangled and even amputated penises when they were inserted in a mouth that didn’t welcome them. I don’t recall a single biter that was ever arrested. Instead, typically police holds were placed on those with the bitten penises. When they sufficiently recovered, typically they were charged with sexual assault.
My work experience taught me to really value the importance of consent whenever I was the recipient of oral sex. Also, it taught me to warn my male friends of the danger of them ever taking advantage of someone’s bound, inebriated or otherwise impaired state by forcing oral sex on anyone else. For months after we saw a guy with a severely bitten penis, the female nurses delighted in teasing the male medical staff about the similar fate they could have if they forced their penises in unwelcome places.

[anondesires]

What if your gf blindfolds you while you're naked and sitting in a chair, and has your friend suck your cock? You wouldn't know if it was her sucking you or him. She could make this happen. I appears that your friend has been thinking of you sucking his cock... I think your friend wants you to suck his cock, but he may be thinking of sucking yours too.

Would you object to him sucking your cock?

I think we both would object.

[diet_dew_86]

Do you think it would help to reduce her nagging if you told her that you'd consider it with some nameless other dude but no way in hell is it happening with your friend.

[anondesires]

So where's your head at when it comes to sucking his cock? (Pun unintended).
You've been clear that it's not something you will do but you've said in the past that something about it turns you on, I assume that's still the case?

It seems to be. I'm trying to avoid thinking about it tbh. I worry that if I try to figure it out, it'll make it worse.

You feel like you've come close to it and aborted. You must've rerun that moment in your head since?
Have you thought about what it might've been like if you didn't use the safe word?

I've found myself thinking about it a lot despite trying not to. It feels like I've made a mistake and I need to consider how I could've avoided it. I know that's not how it is but it's how it feels and causes me to dwell on it. I remember her giving me a choice (beg or suck) but all I was hearing was that I should suck. My mind went there, considered that I would do as she wanted and suck but then I realised what I was about to do and panicked.

Honestly, yes I've considered what it might've been like if I didn't use the safe word and I hate to admit that something about it turns me on. I don't think the situation as a whole turns me on, just something when it's only a fantasy does.

Did him saying that he might not have stopped it change anything for you?

I did stop to consider that it meant he saw a potential situation where he would enjoy it and wouldn't stop. I guess that's why I wanted to talk more about it.

What if he outright told you he wanted you to do it?

I'd rather not think about it.

[TheHammer]

Mixing friendship and playing may not be the best, adds an unnecessary layer of emotion. May be easier to find a new bull with no strings attached.

[mattyg_2671]

I consider myself totally straight, I should say that first. And I’ve never done it, so admittedly I don’t speak from any experience, but the thought of being coerced into sucking my wife’s lovers cock is the ultimate delicious humiliation and over time I’ve grown from saying “absolutely no way”, to gradually feeling that I would most definitely do it under the right circumstances as an act of total submission to her and her lover. And now it’s one of the things I fantasise about. I would need to be in total cuckold mindset and incredibly aroused, but there’s no doubt in my mind I’d do it for her if she wanted me to.

As a dominant bull said to me once “it’s just sex, and it’s just a cock. It doesn’t change who you are.”

So I want to say go for it, whilst recognising that everyone is different.

[BoBatty]

I consider myself totally straight, I should say that first. And I’ve never done it, so admittedly I don’t speak from any experience, but the thought of being coerced into sucking my wife’s lovers cock is the ultimate delicious humiliation and over time I’ve grown from saying “absolutely no way”, to gradually feeling that I would most definitely do it under the right circumstances as an act of total submission to her and her lover. And now it’s one of the things I fantasise about. I would need to be in total cuckold mindset and incredibly aroused, but there’s no doubt in my mind I’d do it for her if she wanted me to.

As a dominant bull said to me once “it’s just sex, and it’s just a cock. It doesn’t change who you are.”

So I want to say go for it, whilst recognising that everyone is different.

Seriously, what's the issue here. Sex is a spectrum not black and white. Suck dick, don't suck dick. Make your girlfriend force you, do it on your own. What you think of yourself is what matters. When you get older you will miss the opportunities lost.At 32 my wife was 5'5 and 132 lbs. She wouldn't wear a bikini in another state for our honeymoon because she was "too fat". Now she's 58 and 200 lbs.

What I'm saying is, talk to your girl, talk to your friend, figure it out. Repression will make it build up like a big fart and it will come out at the worst time. If he is an old friend, and he probably is "curios" you 3 can find a way to make it work.

[coastalkid]

Still, now she knows your limit, and she'll probably be more careful and considerate and reassuring. Taking a step back is a good idea. As long as you really want her to. Do you?

She's admitted that she got carried away because she was excited to have me do it. She claims that she doesn't think she would've actually made me do it. I don't know how close it was but from my perspective it felt like a split second away.

I don't know what I want, I'm confused. It feels like the momentum has died a bit but her sex drive won't rest for long, it's just a matter of time before she'll be needing it so I don't see any need to encourage her in either direction.

Does it still feel like the momentum has died? Do you feel like you've disappointed her in any way? Has she acted like or shown any signs of disappointment in you or herself?

The elephant in the room seems like you still don't know what you want and those feelings of confusion. There are a lot of dynamics going on with your situation right now. You're compelled by curiosity. Your gf is eager and energized. Your best friend has taken to his role of dominant. You fight your feelings of "giving in" to your gf and best friend, wanting to deny them the credit for surrendering to their amusement. That feeling is countered with your own curiosity of going further. You are probably consumed with the knowledge of your activities being found out or shared with someone else in spite of assurances by your gf and best friend. Maybe you're even concerned with what your own self image is because of the things you've done, knowing you can't turn back the clock. All of that weighs against the fact that you're probably turned on and having some of the most exciting sexual times of your life.

Indeed, the question is "what do you want"? I would suppose that by answering that question you would by default also be answering the question of "what you KNOW you don't want" too. It's just my opinion but I think you have a lot on your plate. What have your discussions and interactions away from sexual times been like since using the safe word?

[anondesires]

Does it still feel like the momentum has died? Do you feel like you've disappointed her in any way? Has she acted like or shown any signs of disappointment in you or herself?

I think she was disappointed at the time but has since realised that she got carried away and we've had some quality time to reflect and realise that.

Indeed, the question is "what do you want"? I would suppose that by answering that question you would by default also be answering the question of "what you KNOW you don't want" too. It's just my opinion but I think you have a lot on your plate. What have your discussions and interactions away from sexual times been like since using the safe word?

We've been close and talking a lot. It's been similar to that time I had a breakdown and considered breaking up. I think she feels guilty and that she's pushed me too far and been selfish. She's been showing/telling me that our relationship is the most important thing to her and we've not mentioned a next time (until last night anyway, I'll write about that in another post). It's been nice to have a break from it, even the week before when we went away there was always talk or messaging going on.

[DoctorLuv]

Your most recent posts indicate that you’re having increasing internal conflict about whether or not you should give in to your gf’s desire that you suck your friend’s cock. Your comments now indicate you have Increasing regret for your use of the safe word.
I think you have to ask yourself the following questions: Is your regret because of the missed opportunity of you letting go of your inhibitions and liberating yourself to indulge your increasing submissive desires? If so, unless you are developing an infatuation for him, do you really want to feed your newfound desires by submitting yourself to your best friend?
On the other hand, is your regret due to the fact that you feel guilt over disappointing your gf from exerting her dominance over you? In other words is the root of your desire to be submissive to your gf, your best friend, or both of them? Can your new submissive desires be satisfied by submitting to a more anonymous guy?
If you don’t wish your best friend to have complete sexual domination over you now and forever, you can’t suck his cock. Instead you need to explore your deep rooted desires for sexual submission by sucking a more anonymous guy’s cock.
Remember, as submissive as your girlfriend is, she ultimately became tired of having a more dominant guy in her life on a long-term basis. I think you likewise would ultimately become annoyed being completely submissive to your best friend. However, it was much easier for your gf to leave her last boyfriend than it would be for both of you to cut loose your best friend. It’s one thing to submit to an individual in the heat of passion and another thing to continue the submission to that individual in the stark reality of life.
After you totally give yourself to him and suck his cock, there will be no going back to your prior relationship. Becoming your best friend’s cocksucker won’t be a dalliance, it will almost certainly become a commitment on your part. Do you really want that, maybe even need that? If so, go ahead. However if you do, you are risking not only your current relationship with him, but also your relationship with your gf.