HW and her bull want to start Dom/Sub play

[Rabbit58]

My HW and I have a great marriage and a lot of love and trust.

She’s been dating one guy off and on for about 4 years, let’s say he’s Joe.

Two years ago, Joe was in love with my HW. He would cry if he saw our wedding photos. He said he would marry her if she were single, he wanted polyamory with her, among other things. I got really jealous and they backed off but have been dating again infrequently for the past 9 months. It’s gone fairly well, although I don’t totally trust the guy as consciously or unconsciously I think might try to pull her away from me.

He has become experienced as a dominant. Being a submissive is my wife’s biggest fantasy, but one I haven’t been able to really fulfill much. It’s not my personality, and we are 50/50 in life so it’s awkward when we try to do Dom/Sub things.

He recently asked my wife if she’d engage in a D/S dynamic with him. The idea makes her very horny.

But it’s sparked a wave of jealousy in me. I’m concerned mostly that having a D/S relationship with him could cause an even more intense emotional bond than they already have, that she’d get cock drunk around him like she has in the past, and I’d get jealous and be controlling and we’d have fights.

My wife insists she doesn’t have strong feelings for Joe and that it’s just she trusts him and they have good sex. I do trust my wife but sometimes she gets NRE or cock drunk and pushes our boundaries.

I’m considering letting her proceed with the D/S dynamic with some parameters:
1)No D/S outside of their play sessions- maybe day of would be ok. But I don’t want her walking around our house as his sub.
2) They plan how to end it before it begins as I definitely don’t want to be in a long term situation where my wife is someone else’s submissive. Like put a time frame on it.
3) no D/S talk or play that is negative to our marriage.

I’d appreciate any thoughts or experience from this group!

[truesub]

Two years ago, Joe was in love with my HW. He would cry if he saw our wedding photos. He said he would marry her if she were single, he wanted polyamory with her, among other things.

HUGE red flags. Looks like he's looking for weaknesses in the foundation of your marriage now.

[Rabbit58]

Thanks for validating that. It’s sort of how it feels to me.

He’s very intelligent and charismatic and although seems like an upstanding guy (I’ve socialized with him a lot) I just don’t fully trust him. My wife is absolutely amazing and I think a lot of men (most even) would wanted as a partner so I’m not that surprised.

But yes it did seem to me he was poking around for weakness. He knows I get jealou. He knows she’s into D/S and that I haven’t been able to fulfill that fantasy for her.

He knows how bad it got for me the last time they had an intense fling (for over a year!) and he still is proposing this.

However, it is also true that he’s newly experienced in D/S play and finds it hot and knows my wife does as well. So he had other reasons to bring it up - “hey I got this new skill. Do you want to try it?”

But I appreciate the red flag comment bc it’s validating.

[truesub]

Those "skills" are a dime a dozen, attitude is what's important. He's a typical homewrecker-in-waiting, according to your description.

[Bryce 69]

she is submissive
you are not Dominate
her Bull is Dominate
she enjoys him fucking her
you could loose her to him

[BrunetteLover]

You are the husband. You are dominant.

Everything else is let's pretend.

He sounds serious, that's not going to end well.

[FNQLivin]

I just smell danger to your relationship. He definitely sounds like he'd want to keep her. And it doesn't matter what she says now, when he's fully in her head, then that's it.

[Mature_Roselands2555]

Get rid of him, he tried getting her once, he'll try again.

Get a new Bull and enjoy

[elina]

Dear Rabbit,

I have a slightly different take on this than most of the other posters here.
I think the main question which you have not elaborated on is how strong your relationship with your Wife is in total.

Obviously your Wife is craving being dominated and you are obviously not able to give this to Her.
The risk is that if you can't give Her what She is looking for, and then denies Her the possibility to explore this with Her lover likes SHe wants to, isn't that in itself a risk that She might leave Her. You are in this context putting your own needs above Hers.

If you do allow Her to explore this and at the same time emphasize how much you love Her, how much you fear loosing Her, would the love I assume She still feels for you not make Her love you more; seeing that you are willing to suffer the jealousy and fears because you want the Lady you love to be able to explore these cravings within Her.

Also, you have stated clearly that you are not able to dominate your Wife. You have not said anything about to what extent you have submissive leanings. In many cases, a Lady who submits to a dominant lover will find that She is capable of (and enjoy) becoming more dominant towards Her husband. Would you be willing to explore that avenue for yourself. You stated that Her lover desired ployamorie. So what if you accepted to be dominated by both of them (mildly - simply serving them while they enjoy each other..) How would that work out for you.

Life is complicated, our sexuality as well.

Please let us know how this progresses.

Sincerely
elina
(Submissive male)

[FNQLivin]

Elina, I think you are seeing this through the eyes of your own kink. It isn't that she wants and desires a D/s relationship with her boyfriend, but that he has previously expressed a desire to take her away from Rabbit. Her having a D/s relationship isn't a problem, it's who she is wanting to do it with.

[elina]

Elina, I think you are seeing this through the eyes of your own kink. It isn't that she wants and desires a D/s relationship with her boyfriend, but that he has previously expressed a desire to take her away from Rabbit. Her having a D/s relationship isn't a problem, it's who she is wanting to do it with.

I disagree.
Rabbit doesn't own his Wife. She is free to leave him if She so desires. Hence my question reiterated below is still valid:

Obviously your Wife is craving being dominated and you are obviously not able to give this to Her.
The risk is that if you can't give Her what She is looking for, and then denies Her the possibility to explore this with Her lover likes SHe wants to, isn't that in itself a risk that She might leave Her. You are in this context putting your own needs above Hers.

[Uncertain9901]

I find it interesting that there's a question around starting d/s relationship with your consultation. I guess if Joe is a dom type and your wife has sub tendencies then it would've already happened between them in the bedroom. Or do you mean some extreme d/s activities? My wife is sub type, I could not fulfil some of her kinks because I'm not a dom. She finds a better connection with her bull who is a natural dom, and that d/s dynamic between them started organically. He treats her like a sub in bedroom, gives her instructions on what to wear, shaving etc. It works well for all of us so far, although as you say it does affect day to day life. You can only control how you react to it.

[Uncertain9901]

In many cases, a Lady who submits to a dominant lover will find that She is capable of (and enjoy) becoming more dominant towards Her husband.

This is a good point and worth considering carefully. My wife became more empowered and confident towards me after seeing her bull for a while. It means I have to listen to her and accept her decisions more often than previously. Perhaps she's always had it inside but being in a d/s relationship brought out her decisiveness and confidence. Even small dailh things like, the other day she told me to clean the house while she's away. It's not something she would ever tell me to do previously. Having a dominant bull will definitely affect your relationship with your wife far outside the bedroom.

[Greg_N_Shelley]

I believe the best course of action is to do what’s comfortable and pleasurable for both of you.

My situation with Shelley was similar in that she is sexually submissive, but like yourself, anytime I played the role of “dom” it felt contrived. For her future FB, however, it was very natural. And the two of them shared a great “dom/sub” chemistry for 15 years.

I think the biggest difference between our situations is that he had no interest (or never expressed an interest) in a deeper relationship with her. He was intuitively conscious of our boundaries and was quite content being an invited guest in our relationship. Similarly, Shelley’s head was very straight and she always viewed our HW activities as nothing more than recreation.

As for the proposal others made that she would in turn try to dominate you, I think that’s false. Maybe some women would and many here with a cuckish bent would like that, but I think that’s far from being a universal progression. Even though I gladly let my girl’s FB play that dom role for her, never once did she express even the slightest interest in a femdom dynamic. Nor would I have been receptive.

It worked because all three of us were in synch in our desires and perspectives.

But in your case, Joe’s interest in a deeper relationship seems like a red flag. If your lady is clear headed and values your relationship as first priority, maybe it can work. But otherwise, I’d proceed with caution.

[Rabbit58]

UPDATE

Thanks all!

I really appreciate the advice.

If this was a different lover, I’d be totally up for it. She doesn’t want to be on the dating scene right now though and I respect that (rural area, discretion, the work of finding and going one dates, etc).

The challenge I have now is that I do find the idea extremely hot, but not sure it’s worth the risk. It was 2-3 years ago that he crossed a boundary. Then they took a year break. And their play the last year has been fine. He does want to see my wife more ofteb, and I’m sure he would take her if she were available, but she has been sending him a very clear message that they are good FWB and nothing more and he’s taken it well. I even hang out with him sometimes just to normalize the relationship. I mostly trust him but not 100%. Alls fair in love and war as they say.

They do some light D/S stuff and have for years. But he recently proposed doing more of a “scene”. He’s gotten experience as a dominant and knew about her kink so is excited to start a more formal D/S dynamic.

To me it also seemed like an invitation to more intimacy because to start that kind of dynamic they’d spend more time together and talk more intimately. It seemed like he might be trying to strengthen their bond, but that could just be fear talking? It’s also possible he is just pointing out the obvious. She has a mostly unexplored but strong submissive sexual kink, he’s her lover, and he’s an experienced dominant.

My wife and I initially thought we’d try it with parameters - a set length of time, only allowed outside the bedroom for 1-2 days before a date, and nothing is said or done that is against our marriage.

But ultimately, we decided not to do it with him for now.

Instead, we are going to explore BDSM together. We are going to take a few date nights to talk about her fantasies, what’s hot, what’s not, watch an online course about BDSM to prompt discussion and then eventually have a scene of our own.

We’ve been together more than 15 years and I don’t know that much about her submissive, sexual fantasies (she embarrassed by them, and has a picture sure she wants them in real life so didn’t talk about them). Exploring BDSM together I think it is a great way to build intimacy between us.

If in the future, she and her lover went to try, we can have a conversation then

[EightBits]

I think there are indeed some red flags, and you are right to be cautious.

One big factor would be is whether or not your wife is the only HW (or even girlfriend etc.) that he is involved with. Your wife being one of multiple women that he plays with or dominates would make this seem less risky. If he's focused on only her, I'd be concerned that this is another tack to try and "steal her away".

[Late]

UPDATE

Thanks all!

I really appreciate the advice.

If this was a different lover, I’d be totally up for it. She doesn’t want to be on the dating scene right now though and I respect that (rural area, discretion, the work of finding and going one dates, etc).

The challenge I have now is that I do find the idea extremely hot, but not sure it’s worth the risk. It was 2-3 years ago that he crossed a boundary. Then they took a year break. And their play the last year has been fine. He does want to see my wife more ofteb, and I’m sure he would take her if she were available, but she has been sending him a very clear message that they are good FWB and nothing more and he’s taken it well. I even hang out with him sometimes just to normalize the relationship. I mostly trust him but not 100%. Alls fair in love and war as they say.

They do some light D/S stuff and have for years. But he recently proposed doing more of a “scene”. He’s gotten experience as a dominant and knew about her kink so is excited to start a more formal D/S dynamic.

To me it also seemed like an invitation to more intimacy because to start that kind of dynamic they’d spend more time together and talk more intimately. It seemed like he might be trying to strengthen their bond, but that could just be fear talking? It’s also possible he is just pointing out the obvious. She has a mostly unexplored but strong submissive sexual kink, he’s her lover, and he’s an experienced dominant.

My wife and I initially thought we’d try it with parameters - a set length of time, only allowed outside the bedroom for 1-2 days before a date, and nothing is said or done that is against our marriage.

But ultimately, we decided not to do it with him for now.

Instead, we are going to explore BDSM together. We are going to take a few date nights to talk about her fantasies, what’s hot, what’s not, watch an online course about BDSM to prompt discussion and then eventually have a scene of our own.

We’ve been together more than 15 years and I don’t know that much about her submissive, sexual fantasies (she embarrassed by them, and has a picture sure she wants them in real life so didn’t talk about them). Exploring BDSM together I think it is a great way to build intimacy between us.

If in the future, she and her lover went to try, we can have a conversation then

I was going to suggest you give him a try, but this is a MUCH better idea. Communication is ALWAYS the best move. If nothing else, it will give you a clearer picture as to what options make the most sense. But if my wife was willing to sit down with me and share her sexual desires and fantasies I would be ecstatic. Only good things can come from such an activity. Please keep us posted on how that goes.

Late

[Rabbit58]

I think there are indeed some red flags, and you are right to be cautious.

One big factor would be is whether or not your wife is the only HW (or even girlfriend etc.) that he is involved with. Your wife being one of multiple women that he plays with or dominates would make this seem less risky. If he's focused on only her, I'd be concerned that this is another tack to try and "steal her away".

good point. No he has one woman who he's been in a D/S dynamic for a couple of years. She lives 3hrs away though so they don't see each other much. But good point hat it does make it a safer proposition.