I was cheated and I liked it... how to proceed?

[tristanos]

I will start describing my experience.
Years ago, before we get married (in 2013) my wife found out that I was chatting with another woman on Facebook.
In reality not something serious. Just some hearts to a message she sent.

She got angry and jealous. To get her revenge she secretly start speaking with another man.
I am an IT guy and I was spying on her PC (I know it is not the best thing). Actually I could watch her screen and her dialogues with him on Skype and social media. He started to show his dick to her and he asked for her to show her tits. She did it and considering her smile I saw on the screenshot, she liked this very much. Ι realised that, instead of getting angry and jealous, I liked it and turned me on. A few days latter she told me the truth about this event and the reasons that did this.

The years passed and during a long period we talk about fantasies during sex. I started to tell her about swinging stories and that I would like to see her fucked by another guy. At first she was angry and disappointed with this (or pretend like that) and she could not understand how I get pleasure to see her fucked by another guy. After a few weeks of the first stories, not only was comfortable with my stories but shy couldn't wait to hear them during sex. It was clear that she was liked this a lot as she had strong orgasms.

One night (at 2018) I told her if she had show her tits to anyone at the internet. She said Yes. I reminded her if she was meaning the past event and she agreed. I asked her if she would like to send him a message on Facebook and instantly sent him. But the next day she continued the conservation with him, secretly from me (I was still spying on her PC and social). I was reading the conversation on social without she know this and I was turned on. They exchange nude photos and talk dirty. At the nights we had great sex and she was trying to do things to me that inspired by the other guy during the day.
This guy was living 500km from our city. They started to make plan how they can meet and fucked. One day she lied to me that she was going to visit a doctor in this city for a special medical examination. She was going to fucked with him. I was watching the dialogs until the she boarded his car. The next day was talking about their session. When she return back I told her the truth, that I was spying on her and that I was angry with this. She also got angry because I was spying on her and was trying to convince me that she didnt fucked with him.

In reality I liked the experience and I was very horny during this period but I also felt cheated and betrayed. But from another point of view I started all this and I should settle for this. I dont think I lost my trust to her but also I dont know if she still wants me or the other guy. Also she doent look guilty about this. We keep storytelling during sex and I tell her how much I would like to see her fucked in front of my eyes. We both enjoy it but we dont discuss it out of sex session. I think we both feel uncomfortable to discuss it. I dont know if she still chats with the other guy.

One of my idea, that I told her during sex (only) and she liked very much, is to go for a weekend to an remote city and call a masseur. In that session she is free to do what she likes (just massage or sex if she likes him) and I can be to next room or in the same room and watching. Another option is to exploit the guy fucked her and use it as bull. He is someone she likes but I think she would not feel comfortable (or he may not want to do this).
In reality I think we should start talking about this out of sex sessions.
I dont know how to proceed and I would like a few opinions about the situation and the next steps...

[hubudig2]

Hi Tristanos, welcome to the forum.

In reality I think we should start talking about this out of sex sessions.
I dont know how to proceed and I would like a few opinions about the situation and the next steps...

You're completely right. It sounds like there have been trust issues all along and you both need to fix that before you can continue with anything else.
Being able to talk about it outside of sex is the first step. Is it too difficult for you to raise the subject?
Choose the right moment, when you're both relaxed/comfortable and neither of you have got any other distractions or time constraints.
I'm guessing she doesn't understand or trust that you will be ok with her doing things with other guys and so she tries to hide it from you to be on the safe side?
That trust/confidence will come with practice and talking about it. Ask her about whether she's worried about upsetting you, let her tell you about something she thinks might upset you and show her that it doesn't. You can even show her how it makes you want her more, although try to limit it to affection (kissing, holding, etc), avoid steering towards sex as the opportunity to talk more about it will be lost.
Also try to avoid talking about things she may feel guilt about or that might trigger bad memories/feelings, try to keep it positive.
Eventually she will learn that you really do like it and instead of hiding it from you, she'll be excited to tell you about it instead, because she'll be confident in knowing that it'll excite you.
You may/should find that this process of building trust, opening up to each other and experimenting improves your relationship in all kinds of ways.
Focus on that for now and save other experiences until you're both confidently ready for them.

[tristanos]

Thank you for the reply. I really appreciate it.
Few days ago we had a discussion about my fetish (again during sex).
I reminded her about her affair. She react in a positive way (calm/not angry) and she told me that she did it because I asked her.
I agreed that I like it but I felt betrayed and that I would like to had told me about this before she proceed.
She told me that if I really like it she can try again with another guy and she asked if she could stay overnight with him.
I agreed. She can stay overnight or spend a weekend with him in a remote place but i told her that i want to know about it.
I think she likes someone from her job (or from the city she works or her old bull).
Also, few days later I noticed that she took out her wedding ring and she does not wear it anymore.
Possible she has a plan... I was thinking to ask her about this.

[mfm4bnc]

Such a tough one! That is close to my ideal scenario for getting started. What is difficult is that our morals and the principles that make healthy relationships are not always aligned with what turns us on.

Perhaps the way to approach it would be like "consensual non consent." Agree that she can "sneak around" and agree that you can look for clues. You could have a safe word for when you need the truth about her level of play or when she needs the truth about your level of snooping.

[VwatchesK92]

Hey Tristanos,

I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but understand that when I’m telling you this, it’s because I don’t want this to break bad for you. I don’t know your wife at all, however she cheated on you and from what I gather, used this kink we have as a cover up in a way. I’m sure you love her very much. I’m sure she loves you too. I’m just having a hard time reading everything you wrote (albeit one sided) and not think that this is her way of cheating and getting away with it.

So many men on this forum report push back for days, weeks, years from their wives. I believe, as frustrating as it is, the push back is in part due to a staunch respect the wife has for her husband and the marriage. While this push back can be replaced with acceptance once there is understanding of the motivations behind our special link, the respect stays. I’m not sensing a whole lot of respect from your wife at this stage.

Based on the title of this post, you may not have a huge problem with the blatant and continuous cheating. I’ve read that this lifestyle brings two, already happily married people, together and makes their bond stronger. There’s exceptions to every rule, I’m not oblivious to that, I just have a bad feeling about your wife’s true intentions here. Cheating is cheating and while it may turn you on, it’s deception. In my opinion this lifestyle is about creating open and honest relationships without the need to hide our true human nature.

In no way did I intend to disrespect you or your relationship. Good luck my friend.

[tristanos]

I really appreciate your counseling!
The fact that she secretly decided to fuck another man it means that she was not satisfied by me.
I admit for a long time I had neglected my wife alone due to work commitments but this does not excuse her affair.

I understand that this fetish is not only about the sexual pleasure but also the enhancement of our relationship through honesty and mutual trust.

I also understand that if she really would like to try this, it is was not easy to directly talk to me that she would like to fuck another guy.
Also means that, in the future, it will be more easy for her to repeat this (secretly or not), especially when she knows that there are no consequences, I forgave her and I liked it.

The truth is that I would like to continue this game with her but this time to be more open and honest to me and enjoy both.

[tristanos]

An update of our current situation.
We still use the cuckold fetish in our fantasies during sex.
One night we were discussing. She told me that someone invited her to go together on a trip.
He knows that she is married. She didn't tell any other details but I told her that I like this idea and that she is free to do it is she wants.
Also,I told her that I don't have any problem going for an excursion with another guy but on the condition that he will inform me.
She really liked the freedom that Ι give her.
I dont know what that means but I think it is a good perspective that she trust me more.

[patw3268]

Y’all are going to make lots of good memories.

[Gmor]

Iv been cheated on a few times (including by my wife) have these been among the worst moments of my life. But they also dominate 100% of my fantasies. I now don’t masturbate or have sex without thinking about one of these incidents or something related to the times Ive been cheated on.

An key part of my fantasy is that when my wife and my previous very long term girlfriend cheated it was so they could be with a very well endowed man who was able to completely satisfy them. Objectively I have a small penis and have either struggled or in the case of my wife never been able to satisfy her in bed. So, size also plays a big role in my fantasy.

My wife knows about my fantasies and is not bothered by them, but she isnt (currently) willing to be a hotwife. She insists she wants to be in a ‘traditional’ marriage. As a trade off to not offering me a lot of sex she will tell me stories while I masturbate . In her defence she tries to do her ‘duty’ as a wife, especially after her affair, but its obvious she gets little out of our sex. So I don’t push her to do it more than she is willing. Her stories are always told in 3rd person as an anonymous married women who seeks a well endowed man to give her what her husband cant. But based on the details I know they are true or almost always trued and based on her actual actions during her affair. Her stories are often very detailed and explicit.

Therefore, I wouldn’t want to be cheated on again – this was too painful and too dangerous to my marriage – I definitely don’t want my marriage to end. But I also would be more than happy to allow her to have other men who can give her what she craves and I cant. I continue to encourage and do believe that one day she will seek another partner. I think it just depends if she will do this as a hotwife (my dream), an affair (mixed feelings, as described) or as a single woman (my greatest fear).

[Testing123]

A few years back I found out my wife had been chatting with, and going to meet up (in public) with a guy from her past that she had blown when we were on a break when dating.

She was reluctant to admit but she basically bent over his desk at the bar he worked and let him fuck her senseless. She said she came so fast from the adrenaline of cheating and the naughtiness of it all.

When I found out I was devastated. We were already on our way to a divorce and this didn’t help.

Fast forward a couple days an in the midst of talking about it with her we start to have sex. I treated her like a complete slut while fucking her and there was a ton of dirty talk back and forth about what happened. I was still heartbroken so struggled to cum and spent 30 minutes fucking her before I came right in her face. Sh finished 4 times and afterward told me it was the best sex she had ever had.

This actually helped rekindle our relationship and move into having her do some more promiscuous activities that she continues to this day.

[MartasBoy]

I will start describing my experience.
She did it and considering her smile I saw on the screenshot, she liked this very much. Ι realised that, instead of getting angry and jealous, I liked it and turned me on. A few days latter she told me the truth about this event and the reasons that did this......

....In reality I liked the experience and I was very horny during this period but I also felt cheated and betrayed. But from another point of view I started all this and I should settle for this.....
....We keep storytelling during sex and I tell her how much I would like to see her fucked in front of my eyes. We both enjoy it but we dont discuss it out of sex session. I think we both feel uncomfortable to discuss it. I dont know if she still chats with the other guy.

..... Another option is to exploit the guy fucked her and use it as bull. He is someone she likes but I think she would not feel comfortable (or he may not want to do this).
In reality I think we should start talking about this out of sex sessions.
I dont know how to proceed and I would like a few opinions about the situation and the next steps...

I would disclose your feelings to her completely. Tell her that you have been on a website for women, called hot wives, who are free to have sexual relationships with other men on the side, but their husband is not, and that the husbands find this exciting. Tell her you have discovered even more, from reading other people's experiences on this website, how exciting you find the idea of her being desired by other men, and actually having sex with other men.

Tell her that you would like it if she would engage with this other guy again, or anyone she chooses. Give her a free pass to go and have sex with these men. Hold off on asking to be able to watch, or be present. Let her become comfortable with the open relationship for her.

Allow her time to develop an ongoing relationship with some other guy. Allow them both to be comfortable having fun together as sex partners.

Let her take time to break the information to the other guy, that she is married, that she is not really cheating, that her husband likes the idea of sharing her with other men. Then, allow her to decide when she feels comfortable telling the other man, their husband has a fantasy of wanting to watch. Some guys are uncomfortable with their lovemaking being a spectator sport.

Let them start by him knowing that she shares pictures with you. Then maybe later sharing a video, then maybe later live streaming one of their love making sessions together. Work up slowly to the idea of you being in the room.

[slickestchick]

A few years back I found out my wife had been chatting with, and going to meet up (in public) with a guy from her past that she had blown when we were on a break when dating.

She was reluctant to admit but she basically bent over his desk at the bar he worked and let him fuck her senseless. She said she came so fast from the adrenaline of cheating and the naughtiness of it all.

When I found out I was devastated. We were already on our way to a divorce and this didn’t help.

Fast forward a couple days an in the midst of talking about it with her we start to have sex. I treated her like a complete slut while fucking her and there was a ton of dirty talk back and forth about what happened. I was still heartbroken so struggled to cum and spent 30 minutes fucking her before I came right in her face. Sh finished 4 times and afterward told me it was the best sex she had ever had.

This actually helped rekindle our relationship and move into having her do some more promiscuous activities that she continues to this day.

This sounds a lot like how me and my hubby started out, just without the emotional upset that you sadly experienced.

[Greg_N_Shelley]

Our hotwife chapter began with a similar event to yours.

Shortly after Shelley and I were married and she became pregnant, I noticed she was spending a lot of time on Yahoo messenger. Several times when I walked in on her, she’d click away and act a little awkward. It was clear she was hiding something. This obviously aroused my curiosity and I spied on her chats one day when she left her computer open and unattended.

Sure enough, I discovered she had been chatting with an old boyfriend who now lived in Canada and had shared several pics of her growing Mom boobs. He complimented her breasts and they exchanged some flirtatious banter, but otherwise there were no remarks indicating any type of adulterous intention or dissatisfaction with our relationship.

When I confronted her about it, she was quite upset and assured me there was nothing more to it than some fun. Although they were just pen pals at this stage and separated by 1,400 miles, he still had a thing for her and she enjoyed teasing him and his compliments.

Like you, I felt a sense of betrayal and was angry at her for concealing their discussions. But at the same time, I was also very aroused and thoughts of what she had done (flirting and sharing pics of her tits with this guy) became a persistent turn on whenever we were having sex or I wanted to get off. But I didn’t quite trust the situation with this guy and kept it to myself for some time.

It was several months later that I asked her about it again while we were in bed. She was quite upset and afraid that I didn’t trust her. At that point I came clean and explained that deception and concealment are unacceptable to me, but what she did in sharing those pics and flirting with him was a massive turn on. And that I would be fine if she wanted to do it again, just as long as she was fully transparent.

What started with that event eventually snowballed over following months into fantasies about her fucking guys she met online. One night as we were having sex, I drummed up the courage to share my fantasy and she responded favorably. Afterward, I proposed we give it a try and to my surprise, she agreed rather easily.