Getting stuck as a fantasy

[zxcziz]

My wife knows about my hotwife fantasy. I first told her about it when we had a period of going deep on our sexual fantasies about 2 years ago. In actual fact, all I told her is I find it hot when other men checked her out, it was her that pointed out it was a bit like cuckolding (though I now prefer the term hotwifing). She seemed to find it slightly thrilling, but wasn't comfortable with bringing the fantasy into our sex lives. Until that is, I just started asking her to think about having wild, often public sex with other guys while we were having sex. The fact that the sheets were drenched gave me all the evidence I needed that the fantasy turned her on.

She even admitted during sex once that she sometimes masturbates to hotwifing stuff we've roleplayed, so I'm confident that there's at least a curiosity about the lifestyle. My problem is that I just don't think she'll ever get over the mental block to make it reality. In the cold light of day she has said she doesn't think she'll ever do it, which is very understandable. I get carried away when I think I've seen little signs, but after an awkward suggestion of making it reality early on, I've realised that pushing here is a bad idea.

Has anyone had any experience of moving from fun fantasy with a hard no to reality towards actually doing it? I love the way we play with the idea today, but can't help but daydream about the real thing.

[armyguyot1]

Welcome to the forum zxcziz. You will find you are among a group.

[zxcziz]

Thanks ArmyGuy, excited to get stuck in (or get someone stuck in my wife)

[cdb]

My problem is that I just don't think she'll ever get over the mental block to make it reality. In the cold light of day she has said she doesn't think she'll ever do it, which is very understandable. I get carried away when I think I've seen little signs, but after an awkward suggestion of making it reality early on, I've realised that pushing here is a bad idea.

Has anyone had any experience of moving from fun fantasy with a hard no to reality towards actually doing it? I love the way we play with the idea today, but can't help but daydream about the real thing.

Women are about ten million times more complex than men so her mental blocks could be based in something that you haven’t even considered and something, or multiple things, that she’s not entirely aware of herself.

It hasn’t happened for me yet, but that isn’t for lack of desire or willingness on my wife’s part. The two men that she was spending time with and flirting constantly both ended up having fiancées that she “wasn’t” aware of. If they hadn’t been in relationships they would’ve made a move and she’d be a hotwife by now. So even though we haven’t done it, I’ve helped her get to the point where she was willing.

Now there is a third person on the horizon. We’ll see how this one goes. I’ve learned what to do, and not to do, on our previous escapades. So if this new guy is single I think there is a reasonable chance it will happen.

If I were you, I’d focus on the following:

1. Forget about her mental blocks. These are things that all people need to sort out on their own. So unless you have a PhD in psychotherapy, trying to address her mental blocks will probably hurt your cause more than help.

Instead, create a positive environment where she’s motivated to remove those mental blocks herself. Here’s how:

2. By far the best thing you can do is get her into an environment where there are men she finds attractive. My wife has a ton of seemingly insurmountable mental blocks due to her upbringing. But they disappear instantly when a man she finds attractive gives signals that he’s attracted to her. A switch flips and she’s ready to go!

When she has a real person to think about it’s way easier and more exciting than a fantasy person. So I’d make that my primary focus.

3. Make the leap into the fantasy becoming a reality a short hop instead of a world record long jump. Having wild sex in a public place with a group of men is so far removed from reality that it would be difficult for a full-time, experienced sex worker to pull off. There are countless other things that have to happen first before that could happen. So it’s just not going to happen to a woman with no experience with anything remotely related to group sex.

For example, one fantasy my wife shared with me 20 years ago when we first started talking about this was laying in her bed with a long line of men at the door waiting their turn to have sex with her. It made her really horny, but in reality it was impossible and she didn’t really want to do it.

So limit it to one guy, could be a mystery man if there isn’t a viable candidate, and make the fantasy low intensity. Talk mostly about the build up to the real thing and less about the sex. That’s what most women enjoy anyway, the tension in the air, the flirting, the fact that she’s irresistible to the man she has in mind, etc. The sex is the final culmination of all those things. Since sex is only part of the big picture, and its the last part, focus an equal amount of thought on the other parts.

4. Talk about it from the perspective of her mental framework or desires. If you’re talking about it like a man, which means replaying the porno (imagery) in your mind, she’ll always keep in the fantasy realm because that’s not what she’s interested in. Yes, that’s part of it for her, but only a small part.

For me this comes naturally because I’m a hopeless romantic in some ways. But I still need to remind myself regularly to keep it that way as much as I can. If thinking about the fantasy this way is difficult for you to do, I recommend reading some romance novels with your wife so you can really see how sexual fantasies play out in her mind and learn to think about it from that perspective.

5. Be patient, but persistent. If you can’t go a day without bring it up you need to work on yourself first. I made this mistake early on and turned her off from the fantasy for many years. Nowadays I can go a week without saying anything about it. I can also have sex without bringing it up. It takes the pressure off of her and makes it more fun for her when it is discussed.

So don’t let it go, but whenever she shows any interest, let her take the lead and guide it were she’d like it to go.

6. Show that you’re energized and happy when she brings it up or participates in the fantasy with you. She’ll notice and if she loves you she’ll will want to do it for your sake. That will be the second most powerful motivation for her. Second only to what I described in #2. In my situation, my wife would never consider it for one second if it wasn’t important for me and makes me happy.

7. Be authentic. Don’t do all these things for the purpose of manipulating her into doing something. That’ll just blow up in your face. The motivation always has to be your mutual enjoyment.

Hope this helps. Things I’ve learned from years of personal reflection and real life mistakes.

[ferrisandrews]

...
Has anyone had any experience of moving from fun fantasy with a hard no to reality towards actually doing it? ...

Yes. Mine was a hard no, absolutely not, not in a million years kinda gal ... until she wasn't. What made the transition?

It was a combination of several things

• Enough time had passed since we initially discussed it "seriously"

• It became increasingly clear I wasn't joking, that I wouldn't be hurt, that this wasn't about her and me not being happy with her anymore, that our marriage wasn't in jeopardy and eventually, maybe this isn't as abnormal of a thing as she thought ... etc.

• A well-timed candidate showing up at a time she was feeling a little more open to meeting him

• The viable candidate actually turning out to be a relatively good experience (which I learned later is really rare, especially for everyone's first time)

It's pretty exhausting to look back on where we started and consider all of the time and patience involved with actually trying and starting this lifestyle. What's worse, by the time a couple is ready to talk about this, they are likely already in a rut where the boring but safe routine has set in, you get home at a certain time, your contact outside of your immediate bubble reduces, that bubble shrinks, etc.

Making the transition is a lifestyle change, and change is scary. When you do it gradually and steadily, it's easier to tolerate and isn't as scary. The problem is, husbands often put this talk off so long they are already in desperate mode and pretty much guaranteed to screw up how they presented it to their wives. The more they push, the farther down into the safe and avoidant hole their wives go. The good news is you have a lot of the power to introduce things right and exercise patience. Also you likely have the spotlight on her and that's just not gonna work. So what is a stag / cuck to do?

You shine the spotlight right back on you. If you're asking her for her thoughts, feedback, consideration or participation in this lifestyle, that needs to cease pronto. You need to open up and be vulnerable. Don't bring up the lifestyle out of the blue, but when something happens when you're both together that you find hot (see a show about the a husband messing around, had a dream, heard a story, etc.), open up about how that that is, how turned on that makes you, what else it makes you want, how else it makes you feel. Don't be annoying, but be open. If you're not feeling vulnerable and embarrassed, you're not doing it right. Don't bear your soul, but she needs to observe you having a moment when something is really turning you on. Let her ignore you or even ask questions if she wants, but don't drag her down a rabbit hole of discussion, just answer honestly and truthfully. When you feel as though she's hinting that she understands, drop it. This is about exploration, and the dark corners of your little world will gradually be lit up at times so she can see. It's uncomfortable, vulnerable, embarrassing (if it's not, you're not doing it right).

Next, begin investing time in how she feels, how she looks, what she's doing with her makeup, hair and outfits. Make sure she knows when something looks hot and fun, when something doesn't, shut your pie hole. Don't tell her how crappy something is that she is trying on, if you don't like something a lukewarm "yes" you like it (if she asks) to neutral response and she'll get the hint (women are better at subtlety than we are). Become invested in contributing to her self image (because most husbands ignore their wives unless a tit is out). Pay attention to her and contribute to what she's doing regarding things that turn you on about her. Before she begins to seriously entertain this lifestyle, she needs help shaking off the wife and mom (if relevant) cobwebs.

This isn't charity, you're not a philanthropist. You didn't connect with her because she needed a friend, you did it because of the way she makes you feel. We are all selfish, men and women, and the secret to a successful relationship is in getting what you both want together (aroused, stimulated, etc.). She does and says things that genuinely turn you on and you probably suck at communicating them (because most of us guys do). It's in your best interest to help her feel and look pretty, and she will appreciate how you are "all in" on what is going on with her life. She's not your entire life, just a part of it, but a fun, entertaining, arousing part of it. She needs to hear and feel that once in a while, so play with more ways you can make her feel pretty and desirable that is helpful and not annoying or unsolicited (you know her hot buttons, both good and bad, utilize them for good). At minimum, she will feel good about looking good and will look good more often around you.

All of this takes effort, and effort is sexy! Find out her love languages and tweak them when you can. Be a little more playful and open in your communication style. Don't check in with her on this lifestyle, let her check in with you! The more open and vulnerable you get, the more curious she'll be (as long as you're not leading each other down some weird fantasy rabbit hole). Let her ask questions occasionally but don't approach her.

It sounds weird, but most guys push their wives towards a door and expect her to open it and jump right on in. What you should do instead is open the door by mentioning you're into this, then step back and stand with her. Make observations about the doorway, study it, make guesses what's on the other side, make it a game, make it fun. You know her best (right???), so make that doorway not so fucking scary. If you're not sure, find out. Run some ideas through AI if you want and read more forums for ideas. She won't stand still for long. She's either going to start stepping towards the doorway or stepping away from it.

And prepare yourself for the possibility that she may not be willing to explore this with you. This may be a line she won't cross. Most women hate this idea, but do like the way it makes them feel when they try it. Imo, it does tend to make relationships more communicative, more loving, closer and more respectful. But getting there is a lot of work. Most of the time if she flat out refuses to even talk about it, it's because you messed up. Let her go first (yes she will be very slow about it, especially in the beginning). As painful as it is, she has to step through that door first and on her own volition. Your role in this is to be her cheerleader - support her, encourage her, and make it fun! What the hell else are you going to do?

[surry]

Do you both have a friend that you could talk to? My best friend and I would talk about sex, and I told him about my wife's sex talk, and I even showed him naked pictures of her. I told my wife he liked her pictures. My wife asked, "Did he like them?" After that, he started flirting with her and kissing her hello and goodbye. Then it went to making out in front of me. One day, they were kissing, and I walked up behind my wife, kissed the back of her neck and rubbed her ass. Then I told her to take him into the bedroom and fuck. This is what she did. After that, my wife had a husband and a lover.
Some women need an emotional attachment before they fuck.

[BBCfan]

I have been stuck in this fantasy for quite a few years now as my thread details. it can be disheartening especially earlier on but as things move through life I'm just happy that she's gone from a hard no, to fantasizing about it with me fairly often. even having a candidate that we fantasize about that is interested in her makes it super hot. at this point I'm somewhat resigned that it may never happen but the increase in excitement sharing it with her and Fantasizing together about it has been worth it regardless.

Maybe it's even better than the real thing if it was to unfold? so I'll just trust if it's supposed to happen it will, not easy to do at times when this fantasy becomes so overwhelming in your brain.