Getting Back to Hotwifing

[TomKatz]

My wife Kitty Katz (also a member) and I are returning to the Hotwife lifestyle after a 19 year break (we were both members here way back then).

My wife was a virgin when I married her shortly after her 18th birthday. Until recently, the only two men she had been with were myself and one guy she was with twice 19 years ago, while I watched. It was fantastic for both my wife and I. (I will add that we have a Stag Vixen dynamic). Unfortunately he was married, and while his wife knew and said she was OK with it, it turned out she really was giving vibes that she was not. So my wife broke it off, and we did not try again until now.

Over the last couple of years I have been having some ED issues, and so I suggested to my wife that we try hotwifing again. At first she said no, but she just wanted to make sure I was really going to be OK with it.

Neither of us want her having sex with lots of men, and she hates the feel of condoms. She wants Intimacy and the feel of bareback, and she loves the feeling of a man cumming in her. So we are looking for one guy, who would have an exclusive relationship with her. And she is a passionate woman, if she is having sex with a guy, there is going to have to be an emotional relationship. Not on the level of our 30 plus year marriage, but not meaningless sex either. And this idea of her having a boyfriend on the side turns us both on. The idea is that she would text with him and have phone calls with him and meet in person (have sex) once or twice a week. (My wife and I have sexual relations virtually every day, so this would not overwhelm our relationship.

We met one guy who we thought might fill the bill. They were together once, but it did not work out after that, so we are still looking for Mr. Right.

We are also both getting excited about the idea that once we find her boyfriend and everyone is comfortable with the situation, letting her spend a weekend with him at his place every once and a while. This actually turns me on, though I didn't previously think it would.

My wife and I are very close. We have been married most of our lives. She is stay at home, and I work from home, so we are around each other all day, every day, and have been for many years.

She has shown great loyalty over the last 30+ years, and I am able to trust her implicitly.

This is kind of our outlet to talk about this (I think she will post soon) as we are very discrete in our lives.

Tom Katz

[Saute]

Sounds like she is on the road back to HW status !

[zorro]

Welcome back, Tom! Enjoyed your treatise back then about scriptural permission for wife sharing. I think it helped many here who came from religious backgrounds.

[coastalkid]

It sounds like you two have so many things going in your favor to make a second run at this. The idea isn't new or a surprise, so no one is shocked by it. You have 30 years together and any unusual behavior from either of should be easily recognized. Your wife sounds sensitive to your ED issues and sensitive to your emotional/mental state. You trust her implicitly. You had experience with having to shut things down when it wasn't going to your satisfaction (ie the wife that really wasn't ok with it). You (the husband) are more mentally prepared and are open to more things that you wouldn't have considered before (ie the over the weekend idea).

The only hurdle it sounds like you have is finding the right guy. I have no doubt that is not as easy as it seems. The whole thing works with the right guy. The wrong guy could be merely a dud or a devastating disaster. Fortunately with all the check marks in the plus column you offset that potential for disaster. Your wife sounds too smart to let herself get involved in a bad situation.

One thing that does come to my mind is your ED issue and any negative effects it has on your self-image and happiness. I get that you'll feel that compersion. You want to do something good for your wife. You'll feel good about your wife being satisfied. Your wife may not enjoy it as much if she senses that you've given up on trying to satisfy her or if you've given up on addressing your ED. I can't imagine any half of a couple being truly happy while knowing the other half wasn't. How can anyone have the time of their life knowing their spouse isn't. Most loving couples don't operate that way.

[KittyKatz]

This struggle started long before he ever suggested bringing someone else into our intimacy again. For so long, it felt like he didn’t mind that we couldn’t be together the way we used to… as if the loss didn’t touch him at all. For me, it was crushing. My husband has always been the closest person to me—my lover, my partner, the man whose body and soul I crave. Being with him, feeling him inside me, feeling the way he takes me and claims me… that connection has always been our deepest language. It’s where I feel most his, and where he feels most mine.

So when his body began to betray him, I kept waiting—hoping—to see even a flicker of the heartbreak I felt. But he never showed it. Not once. We found other ways to be intimate, and they were beautiful, and fulfilling, but still… I didn’t feel his pain. And because he kept everything hidden so tightly away, I started to believe the worst: that he didn’t miss it, that maybe it hadn’t meant as much to him as it did to me.

When he brought up the idea of “doing it again,” of bringing someone else in, I told him no instantly. My mind went straight to the fear that he just didn’t care anymore—that he was stepping aside from something sacred between us. I knew he enjoyed watching; it had always been a powerful thing for him. But without that reclaiming afterward, without his body returning to mine, it felt like he was choosing distance… not closeness.

We argued—God, we argued. And in the heat of it, I finally said what had been burning inside me: that it felt like he didn’t want me anymore, that he was using this as an excuse to pull away because he couldn’t be with me the way he used to… that he had given up. It wasn’t a priority any longer. And as long as I was satisfied, he would be too. But that’s not who I am, and he knows that. Maybe he thought that just knowing I had a hard cock again—any hard cock—would make everything okay. It wouldn’t. It could never be. I have to know that I am pleasing him. That’s how I know he loves what I’m doing. I get so much pleasure from seeing him just as satisfied as I am. But in those moments, I didn’t think he cared anymore. I thought he had given up.

And then…

The moment the words left my mouth, everything changed.

I looked at him, and for the first time in years, I saw his heart crack open. The shock. The hurt. The tears. Pure, raw pain. He told me that he forces himself not to think about it, because if he lets himself feel how much he misses being inside me, how much he misses taking me, how much he misses that sacred closeness… it destroys him. He said he has to lock it away just to keep going, because the grief of not being able to have me like before is unbearable.

In that moment, I finally understood:
He wasn’t indifferent—he was protecting himself.
He didn’t stop caring—he cared so much he was drowning in it.
He didn’t stop wanting me—he wanted me so deeply it hurt to face the loss.

But by holding all that inside, by not letting me see the devastation he was carrying, he unintentionally made me feel abandoned in it. I thought he didn’t miss what we had… when in reality, he was shattered by it.

Once we finally spoke the truth out loud, something opened between us. He hadn’t stopped trying. He hadn’t given up. And slowly, incredibly, we found our way back to each other—not exactly the same as before, but close enough that I can feel him inside me again… and that alone means everything.

Now he touches me in ways that make me feel adored, claimed, wanted, just as he did before. Our desire for each other is still alive—maybe even stronger—because we fought through something that could have broken lesser couples. And we promised each other that if the struggle comes back, we will face it together, no more hiding, no more quiet suffering.

He is my number one. My home. My forever. No one could ever replace him or separate me from him. I have never been unfaithful, and I never will be—it’s just not in my DNA. Loving him runs deeper than sex, deeper than the body. But our bodies… they have always been our way back to each other, and losing that connection nearly tore us both apart.

Now we understand each other better. Now we know that what was once taken for granted is somewhat lost, and we both hurt.

However, now that the truth is in the open… we’re closer than ever. We have discovered that our deepest desire is simply to please and love one another, to savor the pleasure we can create together, and—if the moment is right—to share a little of that pleasure with someone willing to join us… but never someone who could take me away from my one true love, my husband.

[MonaLisaOverdrive]

Welcome back to the forums and this fun game we're all playing.

What is your wife looking for in a man? Does she have a type?

[TomKatz]

This is her profile:

Happily married, in an arrangement that’s open on my side only — with my husband’s full knowledge and support. We are in a Stag and Vixen Hotwife relationship. He’s very heterosexual but wants to see me fulfilled and enjoys being part of that experience from the sidelines. Because of an ED issue, we’re seeking one compatible partner who can share a genuine, emotionally intimate, and physically complete (penetrative) relationship with me.

Just putting it out there — I’m a BBW, and I love being real about who I am. If that’s not your vibe, no worries at all! I’m all about honesty and good vibes.

I’m looking for a safe, bareback, long-term, exclusive connection with a kind, emotionally mature non-smoker. I’m not heavily into BDSM — I value tenderness, conversation, and real chemistry above all.

I am looking for a "boyfriend on the side" relationship with texting, phone conversations on a regular basis, an emotional, personal relationship, with physical intimacy in person once or twice a week. My husband is unobtrusive, but would watch most or all of the time. If things get comfortable, we could be alone at times.

If you are looking for a one time stand, that is *not* what I am looking for. Please only respond if you are interested in an ongoing, exclusive relationship.

I tend to connect best with men in their mid 30's to 50's who are genuine, grounded, and comfortable with this kind of open yet faithful arrangement. I love movies (sci-fi, fantasy, drama, and a great romantic comedy), reading, and video gaming sessions. I’m not looking to juggle multiple people — just one steady, uncomplicated connection that feels natural and good for everyone involved.

Discretion, respect, and authenticity are essential.

[armyguyot1]

Welcome to the forum KittyKatz.

[coastalkid]

This struggle started long before he ever suggested bringing someone else into our intimacy again. For so long, it felt like he didn’t mind that we couldn’t be together the way we used to… as if the loss didn’t touch him at all. For me, it was crushing. My husband has always been the closest person to me—my lover, my partner, the man whose body and soul I crave. Being with him, feeling him inside me, feeling the way he takes me and claims me… that connection has always been our deepest language. It’s where I feel most his, and where he feels most mine.

So when his body began to betray him, I kept waiting—hoping—to see even a flicker of the heartbreak I felt. But he never showed it. Not once. We found other ways to be intimate, and they were beautiful, and fulfilling, but still… I didn’t feel his pain. And because he kept everything hidden so tightly away, I started to believe the worst: that he didn’t miss it, that maybe it hadn’t meant as much to him as it did to me.

When he brought up the idea of “doing it again,” of bringing someone else in, I told him no instantly. My mind went straight to the fear that he just didn’t care anymore—that he was stepping aside from something sacred between us. I knew he enjoyed watching; it had always been a powerful thing for him. But without that reclaiming afterward, without his body returning to mine, it felt like he was choosing distance… not closeness.

We argued—God, we argued. And in the heat of it, I finally said what had been burning inside me: that it felt like he didn’t want me anymore, that he was using this as an excuse to pull away because he couldn’t be with me the way he used to… that he had given up. It wasn’t a priority any longer. And as long as I was satisfied, he would be too. But that’s not who I am, and he knows that. Maybe he thought that just knowing I had a hard cock again—any hard cock—would make everything okay. It wouldn’t. It could never be. I have to know that I am pleasing him. That’s how I know he loves what I’m doing. I get so much pleasure from seeing him just as satisfied as I am. But in those moments, I didn’t think he cared anymore. I thought he had given up.

And then…

The moment the words left my mouth, everything changed.

I looked at him, and for the first time in years, I saw his heart crack open. The shock. The hurt. The tears. Pure, raw pain. He told me that he forces himself not to think about it, because if he lets himself feel how much he misses being inside me, how much he misses taking me, how much he misses that sacred closeness… it destroys him. He said he has to lock it away just to keep going, because the grief of not being able to have me like before is unbearable.

In that moment, I finally understood:
He wasn’t indifferent—he was protecting himself.
He didn’t stop caring—he cared so much he was drowning in it.
He didn’t stop wanting me—he wanted me so deeply it hurt to face the loss.

But by holding all that inside, by not letting me see the devastation he was carrying, he unintentionally made me feel abandoned in it. I thought he didn’t miss what we had… when in reality, he was shattered by it.

Once we finally spoke the truth out loud, something opened between us. He hadn’t stopped trying. He hadn’t given up. And slowly, incredibly, we found our way back to each other—not exactly the same as before, but close enough that I can feel him inside me again… and that alone means everything.

Now he touches me in ways that make me feel adored, claimed, wanted, just as he did before. Our desire for each other is still alive—maybe even stronger—because we fought through something that could have broken lesser couples. And we promised each other that if the struggle comes back, we will face it together, no more hiding, no more quiet suffering.

He is my number one. My home. My forever. No one could ever replace him or separate me from him. I have never been unfaithful, and I never will be—it’s just not in my DNA. Loving him runs deeper than sex, deeper than the body. But our bodies… they have always been our way back to each other, and losing that connection nearly tore us both apart.

Now we understand each other better. Now we know that what was once taken for granted is somewhat lost, and we both hurt.

However, now that the truth is in the open… we’re closer than ever. We have discovered that our deepest desire is simply to please and love one another, to savor the pleasure we can create together, and—if the moment is right—to share a little of that pleasure with someone willing to join us… but never someone who could take me away from my one true love, my husband.

Thank you!

[TomKatz]

Welcome back, Tom! Enjoyed your treatise back then about scriptural permission for wife sharing. I think it helped many here who came from religious backgrounds.

I may repost that, or a rewrite for those interested, in a few days.

[TomKatz]

This struggle started long before he ever suggested bringing someone else into our intimacy again. For so long, it felt like he didn’t mind that we couldn’t be together the way we used to… as if the loss didn’t touch him at all. For me, it was crushing. My husband has always been the closest person to me—my lover, my partner, the man whose body and soul I crave. Being with him, feeling him inside me, feeling the way he takes me and claims me… that connection has always been our deepest language. It’s where I feel most his, and where he feels most mine.

So when his body began to betray him, I kept waiting—hoping—to see even a flicker of the heartbreak I felt. But he never showed it. Not once. We found other ways to be intimate, and they were beautiful, and fulfilling, but still… I didn’t feel his pain. And because he kept everything hidden so tightly away, I started to believe the worst: that he didn’t miss it, that maybe it hadn’t meant as much to him as it did to me.

When he brought up the idea of “doing it again,” of bringing someone else in, I told him no instantly. My mind went straight to the fear that he just didn’t care anymore—that he was stepping aside from something sacred between us. I knew he enjoyed watching; it had always been a powerful thing for him. But without that reclaiming afterward, without his body returning to mine, it felt like he was choosing distance… not closeness.

We argued—God, we argued. And in the heat of it, I finally said what had been burning inside me: that it felt like he didn’t want me anymore, that he was using this as an excuse to pull away because he couldn’t be with me the way he used to… that he had given up. It wasn’t a priority any longer. And as long as I was satisfied, he would be too. But that’s not who I am, and he knows that. Maybe he thought that just knowing I had a hard cock again—any hard cock—would make everything okay. It wouldn’t. It could never be. I have to know that I am pleasing him. That’s how I know he loves what I’m doing. I get so much pleasure from seeing him just as satisfied as I am. But in those moments, I didn’t think he cared anymore. I thought he had given up.

And then…

The moment the words left my mouth, everything changed.

I looked at him, and for the first time in years, I saw his heart crack open. The shock. The hurt. The tears. Pure, raw pain. He told me that he forces himself not to think about it, because if he lets himself feel how much he misses being inside me, how much he misses taking me, how much he misses that sacred closeness… it destroys him. He said he has to lock it away just to keep going, because the grief of not being able to have me like before is unbearable.

In that moment, I finally understood:
He wasn’t indifferent—he was protecting himself.
He didn’t stop caring—he cared so much he was drowning in it.
He didn’t stop wanting me—he wanted me so deeply it hurt to face the loss.

But by holding all that inside, by not letting me see the devastation he was carrying, he unintentionally made me feel abandoned in it. I thought he didn’t miss what we had… when in reality, he was shattered by it.

Once we finally spoke the truth out loud, something opened between us. He hadn’t stopped trying. He hadn’t given up. And slowly, incredibly, we found our way back to each other—not exactly the same as before, but close enough that I can feel him inside me again… and that alone means everything.

Now he touches me in ways that make me feel adored, claimed, wanted, just as he did before. Our desire for each other is still alive—maybe even stronger—because we fought through something that could have broken lesser couples. And we promised each other that if the struggle comes back, we will face it together, no more hiding, no more quiet suffering.

He is my number one. My home. My forever. No one could ever replace him or separate me from him. I have never been unfaithful, and I never will be—it’s just not in my DNA. Loving him runs deeper than sex, deeper than the body. But our bodies… they have always been our way back to each other, and losing that connection nearly tore us both apart.

Now we understand each other better. Now we know that what was once taken for granted is somewhat lost, and we both hurt.

However, now that the truth is in the open… we’re closer than ever. We have discovered that our deepest desire is simply to please and love one another, to savor the pleasure we can create together, and—if the moment is right—to share a little of that pleasure with someone willing to join us… but never someone who could take me away from my one true love, my husband.

You are the kind of amazing loving and loyal wife that allows me to trust you completely with another man! You are the love of my life, and my beautiful vixen. :-) I am so proud of you!