Kill Bill...Asking wife to dump BF?!?!

[WantMore]

Hey have you guys read Hotwifing the book yet? If not hit up Allen and get a copy. Maybe that could help you guys too. Its a great book!

[Iamtheman]

More importantly...do you have photos of this cheerleader? Or photos of her "cheering" Sid?

[Samanthasman]

More importantly...do you have photos of this cheerleader? Or photos of her "cheering" Sid?

NO... I don't - but that's a GREAT IDEA!!

My wife actually asked me to remove her pictures from online ;( Sort of a bummer...

[Iamtheman]

What?! Have you told her that she has crushed at least one man's joy? You're a lucky man SM.

[MrsTruckstar]

How to Forget About Your Ex Boyfriend - Lots of this seems to be about you and you don't seem to have given much thought to Samantha and how she will cope.

1. She needs to adjust her mindset
It's OK to make time for a mourning period, don't think that she needs to rush back into all of her usual activities, like fucking Mr Sid in her Cheerleaders rig, to appease you. She should be hanging out with her non-sexual friends friends, and doing exactly what with them before Bill. She must make time to be alone or with you, to cry, and to reflect on everything that happened with regard it all ending so suddenly, it'll actually help her get closure and forget Bill.

Of course it's natural to be sad for a while. Don't be in denial about how much she's been hurt.
If she wants to be left alone for a little while, let your friends and family know (not about Bill), that she is low, so they can give her space. Don't leave her alone for too long or she may indulge in her sad feelings.

The great times they had have to be banished from both of you, because it is too natural to draw comparisons. Save them for a few years time.

SM, you need to be strong and constantly remind yourself why it ended (privately) She needs to consider that too. Oh and ditch the blame culture, what is done is done. Be future focused and be positive.

2. She has to cut him out of her life.
Means she must get rid of the things that remind her of him. Most importantly stop all communication with him, no matter how hard that is or feels right now. If he calls she should red button him or pass the phone to you. Initially, you must be polite and say, she is not available right now, I will let her know you called. Then "Sam has asked me to say thank you for the call but she has nothing further to say but she wishes you luck." Then "Sorry Bill, this is getting close to harassment now, we would hate to have to go legal on you."

She may need a social media break also. He will find her there.

3. You and her need to enjoy your life again. Friends and family. She needs a few non-sexual girls nights out. She should throw herself into a busy schedule, perhaps book a holiday you and her. She should fill her planner up so it is manic. Avoid getting drunk, it is a depressant, she is a doctor so she knows that.

4. You and her have to re find the passion you had before she can have a new FB, you need rebuilding too. Make the effort to enjoy being together. Fall in love with each other again.

[Samanthasman]

How to Forget About Your Ex Boyfriend - Lots of this seems to be about you and you don't seem to have given much thought to Samantha and how she will cope.

1. She needs to adjust her mindset
It's OK to make time for a mourning period, don't think that she needs to rush back into all of her usual activities, like fucking Mr Sid in her Cheerleaders rig, to appease you. She should be hanging out with her non-sexual friends friends, and doing exactly what with them before Bill. She must make time to be alone or with you, to cry, and to reflect on everything that happened with regard it all ending so suddenly, it'll actually help her get closure and forget Bill.

Of course it's natural to be sad for a while. Don't be in denial about how much she's been hurt.
If she wants to be left alone for a little while, let your friends and family know (not about Bill), that she is low, so they can give her space. Don't leave her alone for too long or she may indulge in her sad feelings.

The great times they had have to be banished from both of you, because it is too natural to draw comparisons. Save them for a few years time.

SM, you need to be strong and constantly remind yourself why it ended (privately) She needs to consider that too. Oh and ditch the blame culture, what is done is done. Be future focused and be positive.

2. She has to cut him out of her life.
Means she must get rid of the things that remind her of him. Most importantly stop all communication with him, no matter how hard that is or feels right now. If he calls she should red button him or pass the phone to you. Initially, you must be polite and say, she is not available right now, I will let her know you called. Then "Sam has asked me to say thank you for the call but she has nothing further to say but she wishes you luck." Then "Sorry Bill, this is getting close to harassment now, we would hate to have to go legal on you."

She may need a social media break also. He will find her there.

3. You and her need to enjoy your life again. Friends and family. She needs a few non-sexual girls nights out. She should throw herself into a busy schedule, perhaps book a holiday you and her. She should fill her planner up so it is manic. Avoid getting drunk, it is a depressant, she is a doctor so she knows that.

4. You and her have to re find the passion you had before she can have a new FB, you need rebuilding too. Make the effort to enjoy being together. Fall in love with each other again.

She actually went on another date tonite. A first date with a new guy from AM. Not tons of chemistry.

What's wrong with dating ? Does that not help someone get past the past?

She says she's had no contact for over a week. I don't believe he would call.

Thx for other advice...

[MrsTruckstar]

It does if it is for the right reasons. If it is boing boing rebound sex no it is not good to do it. What I write is advice and guidance based on years of experience.

You can take it or leave it. I don't mind at all.

[Samanthasman]

It does if it is for the right reasons. If it is boing boing rebound sex no it is not good to do it. What I write is advice and guidance based on years of experience.

You can take it or leave it. I don't mind at all.

I don't know exactly what Samantha's "motives" are for having sex, however, even if it's just recreational or rebound or whatever... How is that harmful?

She says she saw Sid because she likes him and basically if she did not see him, she'd probably lose him. Not that he is super important in her life, but he is a friend and lover an she does want to keep that relationship going...

[MrsTruckstar]

My view of rebound sex is exactly like self medicating too. You are an alcoholic (not you) but run with this. You drink wine and it fucks up your relationship. Your spouse asks you to stop and you do. You switch to Whiskey to get over the wine. different hangover but same result. If HWing got you there and has made her sad a break is a great thing. Different John, who knows where the next Bill comes from. Falling easily for the twice married Sam, who has been known to 'trade up' gives her form. That is why I say what I say.

However I am a realist and I don't even write my advice for Samantha's man. I would come over all feint if I saw a post from him saying, that is great I will try that. I know that many others read this and it may be of help to them. Or even SM one day.

Oh yes and of course Sid could actually be Bill, couldn't he? Unless you know for sure where she is, I mean really sure. LOL. Because she may have photos of her and another guy, she may even see Sid and then be with Bill, unless you are there you won't know. Trusting her will help, then she lied about meeting Bill before and was rumbled, that may be one of many meets.

Her and Bill would if they were that way inclined be a little stealthier in the future. Then again if there is no rebound but concentrating on rebuilding trust between the two then there is no suspicion or cause for concern.

Have fun and be careful what you wish for.

[SSQ]

Gotta agree with Mrs T here. I tried having lots of casual sex after ending a relationship and it just left me feeling lousy. It was fun for a while but ultimately unfulfilling.

You can't skip past negative feelings. It sucks, but deal with them and they go away. Ignoring them won't.

[WantMore]

Dam, never even thought of that Mrs. T! Sid could be Bill. Id be snooping on that one!

[SSQ]

Gotta agree with Mrs T here. I tried having lots of casual sex after ending a relationship and it just left me feeling lousy. It was fun for a while but ultimately unfulfilling.

You can't skip past negative feelings. It sucks, but deal with them and they go away. Ignoring them won't.

So what are some healthy ways to cope instead of rebound sex?

In my case, I connected with my husband. He listened to me when I needed to talk about my feelings, or held me if I needed to cry. Even if you're the instigator of a breakup doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. We focused on our relationship. Him being there for me showed me that he would always be my rock and be there no matter what, so it deepened our connection.

Is it easy to listen to your wife crying over another man? Hell no. I really respect my husband for being able to handle that. It showed me how much he loves me and cares about me.

We went out and had fun. I "remembered" that the world was a fun place even when I was sad. And then I started to feel like getting back into things.

Do the usual breakup stuff (dance naked to breakup songs, eat ice cream, whatever floats your boat), except in this case you have a partner in your corner who is committed to your happiness. It makes it a lot easier.

[Samanthasman]

Dam, never even thought of that Mrs. T! Sid could be Bill. Id be snooping on that one!

No... Sid is not Bill. I watched Sid go into the back door.

Honestly, people here think this is more serious than it is. My wife is not cheating on me, and I doubt she would.

[Iamtheman]

Oh come on! No one is going to jump on that joke and lighten this up?!

[Samanthasman]

This thread has been an amazing journey...into the abyss of human despair! I'm half joking. But, what it really does show, at least to me, is that men (not just SMan, but many others) are driven by and make their decisions based on "emotions". The need for that "Sexual High" overrides all rational, common sense thinking when it comes to their partners.

Of course jumping back in "saddle" (sorta speak) is NOT the best way to get over an emotional breakup or relationship Taking a "break", find some "new" hobbies (other than casual sex) to get in tune with oneself and cleanse the "emotional" palate as they say seems to be the logical, healthy, prudent choice...call me CRAZY!!

Seems like a lot of men here think women are just "Sexbots" without feelings and emotions and can just "fuck" like machines, turning it off an on like like a light switch...I tend to think, or I hope, that we humans are a bit deeper than this??? If not...well then...sigh.

You know, I'm feeling mostly like too many people, including me, have taken this too seriously. My marriage was never "in danger". I was never losing sleep all night. My wife was never on the verge of running off with a lover...

I am dealing with the same sorts of jitters that half the people on here feel. I'm just a little more pro-active about dealing with things, and communicative about talking about things.

I've been fairly open and honest about publishing my thoughts and feelings. I do this for my own sanity - to get my thoughts down so I understand them better, and to some degree help others on their own journeys by bringing up important discussions.

My wife is not now "crushed" over this. She's bummed out. She was having great mind-blowing sex and now that's gone away. She still feels like everything was going pretty well, with the exception of me not feeling great about things. And, because I was not 100% on board, she cut it off with Bill. This bumms her out, but she does not "blame me" for being the problem.

At this point, she plans to continue to date other men. She tells me that she would love to see Bill again some day, but only if I'm 100% comfortable. I miss Bill, just as she does. If I did OK Bill, she says she would be fine with whatever rules I feel comfortable with. If that means she can have sex with him once a week, but neither of them is allowed to talk at all beyond when he's actually fucking her, she says "maybe we can even make that work, if that would make you feel comfortable".

Honestly, such an offer does make me comfortable, but also sounds overbearing.

[joytous3]

I think it would have settled down with Bill over time. Still hot and intense, for sure, but perhaps at a more manageable temperature. It just exceeded your anxiety threshhold before that could happen. Don't do a deal with Bill with a bunch of ifs and buts attached to it. Let it wail, or let it go. I miss TLO's first and only real lover almost as much as she does. He's a great guy and a helluva lot of fun and he was perfect for her/us. They love each other in their own way, but it's not the kind of love that would have wrecked our marriage, not by a long shot. She said at the first and at the end of 3 years of great times that if something were to happen to me she would certainly date him and he would be her boyfriend until she felt moved to marry again, but she wouldn't marry him-he's just not what she needs in a spouse. I knew all this and so I never felt threatened when they'd get too lovey-dovey or when she'd spend the night with him and come back glowing and blissful. I had pretty much the same take on this as castman45. We're just that settled and perfect for each other.

When he finally recovered emotionally and financially from a devastating divorce he set out to find someone of his own about 2 years ago. He never had any designs on taking her away but his takeaway was that he wanted someone just like her. Sadly he made a bad choice (as we see it) but he's making a valiant effort to make it work. If it doesn't end well for him we'll be more than delighted for him to come back into the fold(s) and be my co-husband/wingman again and they can resume being lovers for as long as either cares to do so.

Time will of course sort out a lot of what has gone on for you, but don't dismiss Bill and the possibilities that come with him lightly. We've had one helluva time trying to find another guy who's as perfect for us as F was.

Ok my thoughts were kinda scattered as I composed this at work with numerous distractions but I hope some of it made sense. You two are great for each other and the right thing will happen for you.

[Samanthasman]

Change...
... My wife and I had some pretty hard talks last nite.

I found out she has been talking with Bill behind my back. I confronted her. She basically said "I've given you everything you ever wanted for years and built my life for you, now I need something... I need this!"

It not clear to me that I have a choice in the matter.

I asked her if she wants to separate and she say "no, silly, of course not!... I just want things to go back to how they were and I want you to relax about things. I can handle this. You just need to relax and give me some latitude to handle this my way"

Wow, I'm shocked. It's a little depressing just typing this. I was feeling really good. I'm sure I'll get lots of "I told you so's". I hope not. I'm only writing this to document our journey- a commitment I made to myself no matter what.

Pray for us...

[SmilingHusband]

sorry to hear that man.

thank you for being honest. it will help some people, I am sure......

[HowardRoarke]

Change...
... My wife and I had some pretty hard talks last nite.

I found out she has been talking with Bill behind my back. I confronted her. She basically said "I've given you everything you ever wanted for years and built my life for you, now I need something... I need this!"

It not clear to me that I have a choice in the matter.

I asked her if she wants to separate and she say "no, silly, of course not!... I just want things to go back to how they were and I want you to relax about things. I can handle this. You just need to relax and give me some latitude to handle this my way"

Wow, I'm shocked. It's a little depressing just typing this. I was feeling really good. I'm sure I'll get lots of "I told you so's". I hope not. I'm only writing this to document our journey- a commitment I made to myself no matter what.

Pray for us...

Sorry to hear this, Sman. Having been on your side of the Lying Fence myself with an ex many years ago, I can't say I'm surprised. The minute you caught her in a small lie about meeting Bill for coffee before a trip, she'd crossed the Rubicon on honesty, and it's human nature that the lying gets easier with practice.

Have you considered reversing the situation for her? Showing her what her actions breaching your trust might look like if she were on the receiving end of that breach?

And by that I mean focusing on the breach of trust, not on the sex.

Someone here recently referred to himself and his hotwife as being in "the circle of trust together" (or words to that effect). I don't recall who it was, maybe Zorro or Arizona? He went on to say that no one is deeper in that circle with either of them than their spouse. Perhaps framing the discussion that way might put her actions into stark enough contrast for your wife to see the terrible cost of her actions in service of her "need". (e.g. your trust. How can you possibly ever trust her again, since she promised total openness and honesty with you, and she has broken that multiple times?

Had you lied to her repeatedly (it's not a question of degree), would she just blithely go along (I believe her word was "relax")? If she did, she'd be a fool.

That said, I am afraid your incredibly bright, pretty wife might well be not just a fool, but a hubristic one, at that.

After all, she's a doctor, right? Ought to know the effect of dopamine on a human being, correct? Bill is dopamine personified.

Is she so arrogant, so confident in her ability to keep you on a hook, that she can't be bothered to calculate cost of these actions?

I am praying for you.

Both of you.

Best-

HR

[WantMore]

Wow. Sad for you! I gotta think too. My wife has never disrespected me in such a way. Hotwifing might be about giving your girl variety and a gift of another, but its also about her being respectful of what you are giving. She is sliding more towards cuckolding you. Big weekend ahead for you guys!

[YoloMilfandDilf]

Unfortunately...

This is one of the most unsurprising things I have read in the months I have been the site.

Predictable almost. The stop signs and indicators toward this kind of result have been , I believe, fairly obvious to any objective reader.

I'm not sure either SM or S have ever really thought of the potential for disaster with each not being completely honest with each other.

This really has nothing to do with Bill or any other FBs.

[joytous3]

No "I told you so" here. These are matters of the heart and matters of the heart are messy sometimes. You did what you had to do. It does look like she's so dug in on this one that she's gonna force you to make a tough choice. I would have let the thing with Bill run its course but that's just me-and I know that seems easy for me to say since I wasn't the one who's feelings were taking a beating like yours were. I just can't abide the lying. Lying is a dealbreaker for both of us. It would absolutely crush TLO if I ever lied to her and vice versa. We've both been deceived by people we loved and trusted and have made an inviolable wall around our trust. Sam would have better served you both by just saying I'm going to keep seeing him and hope you can figure out a way to deal with it. Then you know exactly where you and she stood and could make an informed decision. I'm so sorry that you're in this quandary. I send you both white light and hope for peace and understanding.

[a_unique_being]

Wow..

It seems that there are difficult choices to be made after what happened (or at least that's what I think).

SM if I may, can I ask how you found out that Sam was talking to Bill? What are the chances that she is is meeting with him behind your back as well? Also what are you planning on doing? Can you further note on your thoughts/feelings about all this?

Hopefully everything will workout for you. Good luck SM,

[davidm205]

So sorry to hear this.

For me I rely on reality when needed and speak directly to facts realizing we as humans are full of feelings and emotions which can be wonderful or messy.

A marriage is an official relationship where two people are supposed to love each other and have complete honesty meaning trust and all that.

If you can't trust a spouse because of their acts of mistrust with a lover what are you to do?

What can you live with and what can you not live with?

Children, money, and family are considerations.

At the end of the day I would advise you need to decide and decide sooner rather than later.

I would make my decision on what works best for you. I will not share my life with someone who I can not trust. But that is me....,

You need to decide can I be happy with this or do I have the strength to break it, mean it and not waver. Or let your wife lead and probably let Bill take the reins in the not to distant future. As you can now see what she says cannot be trusted with all her past assurances etc.

Look ahead when her love for Bill will only grow and they will kick you to the curb probably.

Hope this helps....

[hornedhubby]

I suspect most of the people who will post about this development are going to view Samantha's dishonesty as a deal breaker for your marriage, or at least your hotwifing model. This would be the conventional wisdom.

Part of your issue is that Samantha is used to having it her way. And you insisted - as was your right under your rules - that she stop seeing this guy at the trajectory peak of her NRE and sexual rapport with him.

Maybe your best choice is to let her start fucking him again. Ride it out. Try to enjoy it. Her infatuation with him may diminish with time and repetition, especially if she continues to enjoy other men at the same time. Avoid thinking about it in terms of you winning or you losing. Remind yourself that you wanted her to be a HW because you wanted to see her be a sexually assertive, adventurous and satisfied wife.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but your other options at this point are going to be ultimatums. She has convinced herself that she is entitled to do it her way.