POLL How many hotwife relationships go bad?

Bwz · Unread post by **Bwz** » Fri Dec 25, 2015 12:00 am

There's no fun without risk. In your experience, how many hotwife relationships end in broken relationships or divorce with the husband?

Samanthasman · Unread post by **Samanthasman** » Fri Dec 25, 2015 12:05 am

Great question. I can't imagine how anyone could know...

Bwz · Unread post by **Bwz** » Fri Dec 25, 2015 12:06 am

Are there groups out there like private swingers clubs, except oriented towards hotwifing, where such things are discussed? If not maybe individual experiences can be offered up

HWC4Fun · Unread post by **HWC4Fun** » Fri Dec 25, 2015 12:19 am

50%
The HW relationship will either go bad or it wont

roadrunner · Unread post by **roadrunner** » Fri Dec 25, 2015 4:22 am

Samanthasman wrote:Great question. I can't imagine how anyone could know...

I agree. Even more difficult would be to figure out if hotwifing (or swinging, or whatever) was a contributing factor. My ex-wife left me for the husband of another couple we had been seeing, but realistically we were doomed to divorce anyway.

PnG2010 · Unread post by **PnG2010** » Fri Dec 25, 2015 5:08 am

I believe that our alternative kind of lifestyle is a sort of 'stress test' for a relationship. If the relationship is strong enough to endure sexual shenanigans, you've got a good one. That doesn't answer your question, though.

funcpl477 · Unread post by **funcpl477** » Fri Dec 25, 2015 5:22 am

I don't know what the current divorce rate of regular couples is. Years ago in my prime, it hovered around 50 percent.

I have been in and around swinging almost all of my adult life and love having a hotwife, probably even more. My life is much different than most so my experience would not be at all typical. I have multiple divorces and am 13 years into an excellent marriage where she became a hot girlfriend, then hot fiance and hotwife.

Of my previously marriages, the hotwife thing was a factor in only one of the divorces. We both had high powered careers, mine required me being away from home on a heavy basis, sometimes for a few months at a time. I eagerly encouraged her to be a hotwife and was from the beginning of our 7 years together. We also were into swinging and she was cool with me being with other women.

She was a functional alcoholic and the loneliness of my being gone constantly led to an emotional affair. He pursued her hard and she was soon lying about what I thought she was being truthful. Lies are difficult for me to deal with, especially when the opposite was desired. I really got off on her fucking other guys. Long story shorter, after a couple years of dealing with lies and her waffling back on our marriage, I asked for the divorce over dinner on Valentine's Day. For me, it was like a switch being turned off. She married him. He died a couple of years ago. She told me the marriage was a disaster for her. His jealousy and controlling nature were extreme and constantly fueled frequent drunken brawls (including physical). If it had not been for booze, she was a natural hotwife.

I often cringe when I read about hotwives always being drunk when they are fucking others.

After decades in swinging and being a hotwife husband, it would seem the divorce rate for hotwife couples is somewhat under the divorce rate for vanilla couples. It often seems alcohol, lies and the wrong other man or a wife that wasn't as committed the marriage in the beginning as she said she was, as well as the husband being out of control with jealousy after he talked her into being a hotwife to begin with, are the major factors.

My somewhat educated guess is in the mid 30 percent range. I assume that regular marriage divorce rates approach 50 percent?

old folks · Unread post by **old folks** » Sat Dec 26, 2015 3:12 am

Straight couples get divorced. Who says that hotwifing led to a particular divorce. My first wife and I were swingers and she was also a hot wife, especially with military guys stationed at the base near our home. We were active in the lifestyle while we both were in college. While we went to different colleges, we were always less than 70 miles apart and we both had cars so we saw each other 2 times a week as well as being together on weekends. We had two kids and we eventually divorced but it did not have anything to do with our lifestyle.

The next wife and I had one child but while she was also a hot wife early on, she was also a serial cheater even though she knew she could play with my full approval. She preferred to cheat and found it more exciting. Granted, she cheated with high level professional people (doctors & lawyers that were in our circle of friends) but she had a thing for politicians and did not want me to know about their romps. I did find out later as to whom and for how long. We split because she decided she did not want sex with me but rather others that she was attracted more to in life.

Which brings us to Misty (Goldtrigger on here). She took to the lifestyle very quickly. I trust her and she has been upfront about who she fucks, when and other details. Sex between us is great and the sex she has with others is great as well. While we might disagree on some minor things in life, we have no intentions of ever splitting up.

More of my vanilla friends have split than lifestyle friends. There is an organized swinger group in the area where the avg length of marriage is over 20 years, or way over the time frame for conventional marriages to last.

Jonny4430 · Unread post by **Jonny4430** » Sat Dec 26, 2015 4:31 am

I/ we have been in a hw/swinging/open marriage for 2 yrs and married a total of 10 we love it and the people we have met are all the same as us strong with each other first and so more fun to not just swap with but be around as people in general not sayin there isn't any duds out there but it's like your vanilla friends you find people with the same interests and values you and your partner have we are stronger as a couple now because of the lifestyle

Samanthasman · Unread post by **Samanthasman** » Sat Dec 26, 2015 4:37 am

You know that people in various "lifestyles" always rationalize that "it makes us stronger" and thus less likely to divorce. Well, I know this is possible... But, don't kid yourselves, when you play with fire, sometimes you also get burned.

wcaldwelld · Unread post by **wcaldwelld** » Sat Dec 26, 2015 5:02 am

I dont think this a fair poll as many poeple that used to be here and had a bad relationship are no longer here>>

I know of several couples people who i used to have regular contact with are no long involved with the site...

slowsteady · Unread post by **slowsteady** » Sun Dec 27, 2015 6:31 am

SilverRider wrote:
Samanthasman wrote:You know that people in various "lifestyles" always rationalize that "it makes us stronger" and thus less likely to divorce. Well, I know this is possible... But, don't kid yourselves, when you play with fire, sometimes you also get burned.

True... But some of us are playing with a wet match and others are playing with a blow torch...

Like Samanthasman says. There can be much rationalization among some participants in the HW scene.

Good observation by SilverRider! I would guess that HWing is definitely on the "blowtorch" side of the scale. If this is true then reason may lead one to believe that a person (or couple) would be more likely to suffer blowtorch injury than match burns from HWing ramifications.

Best advice: Keep in mind that you can always play with fire but fire never plays with you!

wants2watch · Unread post by **wants2watch** » Sun Dec 27, 2015 9:05 am

My question is more along the line of the hot wife and boyfriend relationship going bad. That might be for a different thread though.

beamish_boy · Unread post by **beamish_boy** » Sun Dec 27, 2015 11:02 am

I'm with SilverRider on this. If my wife or I felt like this was a "blow torch" we wouldn't be playing with it. Every relationship ends one way or another (if nothing else death will occur eventually), but HW'ing is extremely unlikely to be the cause for us.

Most of the couples I have known who were non-monogamous and have split up had major issues to begin with before they ever had sex with others. There have been a couple of instances where a spouse fell for someone else, but those were cases where the husband was gay to begin with and had only married a woman because it was what was expected of him.

Of course this is only my personal experience of people I've known and hardly a statistically valid sample. YMMV

Bwz · Unread post by **Bwz** » Sun Dec 27, 2015 8:37 pm

Haven't there been stories on here of husbands losing the wife to the boyfriend?

I don't think we are talking about a negligible risk

zorro · Unread post by **zorro** » Sun Dec 27, 2015 8:58 pm

We don't know the stats for HW marriages. The most recent study published in the NY Times on divorce changes found that the overall divorce rate for first marriages had drifted down from 50% to 40%. Previously, the divorce risk for second marriages was 70%. I do not know what the overall risk is. One of the reasons given for the decrease in first-marriage divorces was that people are marrying at an older and presumably more more mature age. Also, people and their needs change with time. So, people with shorter time in marriage would be expected to be less likely to divorce than those who had more "change time" under their belts. In any event, marriage is a very risky business. How many people would go into a business partnership with a know 40-50% to 70% risk of failure? So, anecdotal stories of HW divorces have to be put into context of the background noise.

My impression -- and like everyone else, it can only be impression -- is that people who are openly more sexually porous in their marriages are happier and less likely to split. As far as I can tell, having sex with other people per se does not hurt marriages. Deceit, lying, deception, and subterfuge do them in. It seems that the marriages among HWs that we hear going south are those in which there is dishonesty and lying involved. The need to deceive one's husband may reflect other issues in the wife or the marriage that doom the marriage. And I believe that people who turn to swinging or HW to salvage a fractured marriage will find that the process more rapidly splits up the marriage. I have yet to hear of a HW couple in a good marriage who have divorced.

There are so many variables at play ....

Zona · Unread post by **Zona** » Sun Dec 27, 2015 11:32 pm

Very good post, Zorro. There is a lot of truth to what you say--especially the last paragraph.

Just because the subject interests me, I've done a lot of googling on it, and the bottom line is that nobody really knows what the real divorce rate for ANYBODY is. One report that is often cited is a subsequently discredited study that simply compared the number of marriages in a given year with the number of divorces in that same year (2.4 million marriages; 1.2 million divorces = a 50% divorce rate).

But here's a quote from a New York Times article: "For instance, the widely quoted 50% divorce rate in the US probably came from a best-guess prediction that has yet to come true, or from a shortcut method of comparing the number of divorces and marriages in the same year. This is not considered to be an accurate method for assessing the divorce rate because it does not compare equivalent groups. In 1980, for example, older couples may have been divorcing at a high rate because of the introduction of no-fault divorce laws, while younger couples might have been putting off marriage because more women were pursuing careers. Even if the number of marriages that year were twice the number of divorces, that is not the same thing as saying that half of all marriages end in divorce."

The American Psychological Association puts the divorce rate for first marriages at 40-50%, but admits that is at best an educated guess. They go on to opine that subsequent marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages.

As far as I can tell, there are no learned studies comparing the rates for "vanilla" marriages with "hotwife" marriages. Probably the best thing we have to go on is what we see right here on these pages.

The problem with that is, in my view at least, most hotwife marriages that fail never go reported here. People just stop posting. However I know for dead certain fact that some hotwife marriages fail because the wife leaves her husband for her boyfriend. But I have no statistical evidence of what that rate might be. My guess is that it is higher than people here like to pretend it is.

However, as Zorro so eloquently points out, if the marriage is on rock solid footing before hotwifing it is probably very likely that the marriage will survive and even thrive.

On the other hand, as others have pointed out on this thread, "If you play with fire, you might very well get burned".

Play safe out there everyone. And try to remember two things: (1). Hotwifing is supposed to enhance the marriage; not harm it; and (2) The marriage always, ALWAYS comes first!

LongTermHubby · Unread post by **LongTermHubby** » Mon Dec 28, 2015 3:25 am

My wife and I have a longstanding agreement that we would leave the lifestyle if either of us felt it was seriously undermining our relationship.

aspmroikle · Unread post by **aspmroikle** » Mon Dec 28, 2015 9:10 am

One out of two for me. I have known a couple of others (male and female) with break up or divorce stories as well so I suspect it cannot be insignificant. Though, admittedly I do not know where to get trustworthy data.

veub · Unread post by **veub** » Mon Dec 28, 2015 3:27 pm

zorro wrote:We don't know the stats for HW marriages. The most recent study published in the NY Times on divorce changes found that the overall divorce rate for first marriages had drifted down from 50% to 40%. Previously, the divorce risk for second marriages was 70%. I do not know what the overall risk is. One of the reasons given for the decrease in first-marriage divorces was that people are marrying at an older and presumably more more mature age. Also, people and their needs change with time. So, people with shorter time in marriage would be expected to be less likely to divorce than those who had more "change time" under their belts. In any event, marriage is a very risky business. How many people would go into a business partnership with a know 40-50% to 70% risk of failure? So, anecdotal stories of HW divorces have to be put into context of the background noise.

My impression -- and like everyone else, it can only be impression -- is that people who are openly more sexually porous in their marriages are happier and less likely to split. As far as I can tell, having sex with other people per se does not hurt marriages. Deceit, lying, deception, and subterfuge do them in. It seems that the marriages among HWs that we hear going south are those in which there is dishonesty and lying involved. The need to deceive one's husband may reflect other issues in the wife or the marriage that doom the marriage. And I believe that people who turn to swinging or HW to salvage a fractured marriage will find that the process more rapidly splits up the marriage. I have yet to hear of a HW couple in a good marriage who have divorced.

There are so many variables at play ....

The 50 or 40% number isn't, and never was right. No statistician would take it seriously. About 1.5 to 1.8 percent of marriages result in divorce each year. The number is less for first marriages, and much less for college graduate couples.

wardc · Unread post by **wardc** » Fri Nov 25, 2016 11:53 am

I imagine the percentage is the same for all relationships. Lots of other things than sex can disrupt a marriage.

shambler · Unread post by **shambler** » Fri Nov 25, 2016 12:18 pm

funcpl477 wrote:I don't know what the current divorce rate of regular couples is. Years ago in my prime, it hovered around 50 percent.

I have been in and around swinging almost all of my adult life and love having a hotwife, probably even more. My life is much different than most so my experience would not be at all typical. I have multiple divorces and am 13 years into an excellent marriage where she became a hot girlfriend, then hot fiance and hotwife.

Of my previously marriages, the hotwife thing was a factor in only one of the divorces. We both had high powered careers, mine required me being away from home on a heavy basis, sometimes for a few months at a time. I eagerly encouraged her to be a hotwife and was from the beginning of our 7 years together. We also were into swinging and she was cool with me being with other women.

She was a functional alcoholic and the loneliness of my being gone constantly led to an emotional affair. He pursued her hard and she was soon lying about what I thought she was being truthful. Lies are difficult for me to deal with, especially when the opposite was desired. I really got off on her fucking other guys. Long story shorter, after a couple years of dealing with lies and her waffling back on our marriage, I asked for the divorce over dinner on Valentine's Day. For me, it was like a switch being turned off. She married him. He died a couple of years ago. She told me the marriage was a disaster for her. His jealousy and controlling nature were extreme and constantly fueled frequent drunken brawls (including physical). If it had not been for booze, she was a natural hotwife.

I often cringe when I read about hotwives always being drunk when they are fucking others.

After decades in swinging and being a hotwife husband, it would seem the divorce rate for hotwife couples is somewhat under the divorce rate for vanilla couples. It often seems alcohol, lies and the wrong other man or a wife that wasn't as committed the marriage in the beginning as she said she was, as well as the husband being out of control with jealousy after he talked her into being a hotwife to begin with, are the major factors.

My somewhat educated guess is in the mid 30 percent range. I assume that regular marriage divorce rates approach 50 percent?

Very much appreciate this post, and the "alcohol fueled" behavior comment.

My own hotwife doesn't drink at all, but there was a time that she did, and I can't imagine entering this lifestyle if she still were.

jw_kk · Unread post by **jw_kk** » Fri Nov 25, 2016 12:40 pm

You might modify the poll to add an option for "Unknown," or "I don't have enough data."

Anecdotally we've been doing this for about a decade now, and our relationship is better, and more solid than ever. There could be underlying reasons for that, in that my wife prefers variety, and has very few "regulars" - that in turn may lead to the reduced probability that attachment or emotional bonds form between her and a lover, or vice-versa. I don't know for certain.

This lifestyle has reduced my propensity to stray, and have affairs, which were frequent beforehand, and destructive, especially given the asymmetry in our outlook - my wife is extraordinarily jealous of other women.

Again, anecdotally, I know of many marriages/relationships that ended due to affairs/cheating, and a good many where the couples were lifestyle/swinging couples than I do otherwise.

tit4atat · Unread post by **tit4atat** » Fri Nov 25, 2016 3:54 pm

Here is my take.

They can certainly go bad, however it usually means there were issues in other areas anyway. From my experience, my first wife and I had sort of hot wife discussions but hadn't acted on them. This was well before this was known as a lifestyle, at least in our circle anyway. She knew I was curious about it and possibly wanted it. We were very close but once when I was out of town on business she went to dinner with someone she met at work. She briefly mentioned it but then never said anything about it again. At the time I didn't think much of it. When I got back from the trip I found things to not be adding up. I eventually caught her with this lover and over time she couldn't let go of him. He was in a prestigious type of work she had always admired and longed to be in also. They ended up having a long deep affair and eventually I filed for divorce. When I did, she was shocked and didn't understand why. At the time she was spending 4 nights a week at his place and 3 at ours and it was clear she felt like she was cheating on him when she was with me. This was about 6 months after the discovery of the affair. Our relationship was otherwise solid but the affair killed it. To this day I don't know how it would have ended up if I had stayed longer. Perhaps she never would have been the one to file and eventually work out, who knows. In any case she did marry the guy and stayed together to this day. Looking back realistically, I think had we not had any hot wife fantasy talk nothing would have changed. I think it still would have gone the same course.
In my second marriage we had some HW activity (but very limited) before we got married and it had no effect on our marriage. Also my current wife had some HW activity before we got married and a fair amount of it. It seemed to always bring us closer together. Since we have been married there has only been one occasion but still hoping for more. She seems to be more conservative since we have been married, however the one occasion really brought us close together also.
Moral of the story is that I don't think that HW activity that is done correctly is usually the cause of break-ups. I think it is usually other issues. However I am sure there are some relationships where the wife is not really on board and eventually can't take the pressure of a lifestyle husband.

monagamous_now · Unread post by **monagamous_now** » Thu Dec 29, 2016 10:24 am

I'm 2-for-2 in this question.
My first marriage - we were swingers - did a little sharing/swapping. Eventually we got to a hot-wife situation. It appeared to me that she was getting serious about this one particular bull - and that bugged me - we decided to try to put the genie back in the bottle - and failed. She lived with this guy for almost a year after we split.

Second marriage - she didn't want to do any swapping - no other women. We went to swingers clubs - and she got pissed when I joined in with other women. But she LOVED MFM (and MMF). And - she loved the hotwife scenario ... I enjoyed the benefits of the hotwife scenario - when she was out - so could I be - you see. Again - she got hung up on one bull - and asked if I minded if they got an apartment together ... can you believe that? Anyway - after our divorce, she married him - and as far as I know dropped out of the scene altogether.

My third wife KNOWS about my history ... and told me - we aren't into that .. so, you see why I'm monagamous_now ... stuck in a totally sexless marriage - getting my kicks online, vicariously through the stories and such of others.

Our Hotwives

POLL How many hotwife relationships go bad?

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