A virtual cuckold?

[newaussiecuck]

The calling at work behaviour is a sign of and/or form of abuse. That is tough to deal with.
Bonne courage as the French say.

Yes, it certainly is. Unfortunately though it soon got a WHOLE lot worse.

I've written up what happened late Friday night but in all honesty I don't think I should post it. I'll write something different now.

Let's just say that I must have been keeping a little bit too emotionally distant for what she immediately required and she pulled out the ultimate form of emotional blackmail to correct that.

I lay in bed with headphones on listening to some uplifting music. She grabbed her coat and left the house at almost midnight. Once I realised she was gone I got dressed to go find her. She came back to get her umbrella just as I was at the door to go find her. She was in a real state like I've never seen before. I just held her for a good long 15 minutes before we spoke. She told me where she was going, and it's real bad.

We spoke for a good hour or so afterwards. Lots of tears. Spoke about the last few years. She accepted a little responsibility for it, but mostly she put forth a different version of events where she wasn't to blame. No mention of her online affair (and I couldn't raise it in that state).

I held her all night and didn't sleep. She told me that Thursday night ( the night before) was bad as she had all those bad thoughts. I guess she was planning out what she was going to do.

2 days later and I'm still really shaken up about it all. I called the emergency councillor number last night. Only of marginal help but she did tell me that I'm not responsible for her mental health and if somthing like that happens again to call an ambulance.

The most chilling thing she said while in that state, and it was the way that she said it "I'm sorry that I don't know how to love". It was like out of a movie and will haunt me for a long time to come.

Having extracted from me what she needed she's in a much better state today. I'm not though. I took her for lunch and to see a movie yesterday (the next day), and she thanked me for that early this morning.

Obviously I can't stay with her through emotional blackmail like that. However I also feel stuck in how do I leave? I'll try and get her to see a psychologist or something (she needs to be diagnosed) but I don’t think she'll go.

My appointment with counsellor isn't for another week, I really wish it was sooner.

When we spoke she wants me to work a lot less. I guess she wants me home at her beck and call. I can't do that.

For now I guess I'm playing along buying time to try and plan something. I'm at a loss as what to do. I know the first place she'll go if I break it off without some kind of plan in place.

[whosbeensleeping]

Emotional blackmail is the correct term. The threat of suicide is just another form of threatening behaviour. The emergency counselor is right on that you are not responsible for your wife's mental health. I'm sure your wife is also correct that she does not know how to love. Unfortunately she is ultimately just putting that out there as yet another manipulation, in my opinion. It is time to start assembling your exit plan and getting supports in place. Here in Canada I have seen the same issue with my kids regarding the two-week wait for counseling, unless you can afford to pay out of pocket. Not sure what to suggest. Perhaps another meeting with the lawyer?
People can have a hard time wrapping their minds around a man receiving abuse from a woman, but having been through many years of it myself, I can tell you it's real.
I think you're very fortunate that you have recognized the issues prior to the explosion and have a chance to take some steps to protect yourself. As many have said, and you appear to be doing, tread carefully and keep taking one step at a time. There is life on the other side of this.

[newaussiecuck]

Emotional blackmail is the correct term. The threat of suicide is just another form of threatening behaviour. The emergency counselor is right on that you are not responsible for your wife's mental health. I'm sure your wife is also correct that she does not know how to love. Unfortunately she is ultimately just putting that out there as yet another manipulation, in my opinion. It is time to start assembling your exit plan and getting supports in place. Here in Canada I have seen the same issue with my kids regarding the two-week wait for counseling, unless you can afford to pay out of pocket. Not sure what to suggest. Perhaps another meeting with the lawyer?
People can have a hard time wrapping their minds around a man receiving abuse from a woman, but having been through many years of it myself, I can tell you it's real.
I think you're very fortunate that you have recognized the issues prior to the explosion and have a chance to take some steps to protect yourself. As many have said, and you appear to be doing, tread carefully and keep taking one step at a time. There is life on the other side of this.

Thank you for your thoughtful input. I wish I had thought of calling an ambulance right away when I saw her, but my immediate instinct was to diffuse the situation as best I could. I guess it worked but now it's harder to work out what to do next.

It was clearly some kind of episode. I think it's called a narcissistic injury. All of her efforts to reel me back in to where she wants me had failed, and this was an injury to her sense of superiority and triggered the outcome that I experienced. It could have also been some kind of psychotic breakdown/episode.

Whatever it was, it was pretty terrifying. Her physical appearance, stature, expressions were all very different. The way she talked was also VERY different.

I couldn't sleep last night as I realised that I was in a very vulnerable position right when she snapped. I had eyes closed and headphones in my ears blocking my hearing. She could have just as easily grabbed a knife from the kitchen if her rage was directed at me instead of what she had planned. I probably would have been defenceless. I won't be using headphones again like that.

When she first started talking she was full of rage and said "You blame me. You blame me for your dad". So I guess that is the reason she had come up with for why I've been so distant from her. Again, she didn't come up with the 1 thing that's bothered me the most. Her online affair that caused all the other things I've been upset about (surgery, dad etc). It's that 1 thing that can never ever seem to register with her.

I don't think it was actually an idle threat, I feel that if I didn't go after her she may have actually gone through with it. Apparently narcissists follow through rate is pretty high. The emergency counsellor told me that the fact that she had planned out a method makes it seem like it was a pretty real threat. To be honest her method wouldn't have occurred to me, so she had clearly given it some thought.

Having said that, her mood and demeanour today are like it never happened. I'm walking on eggshells though as it came so suddenly. I think she feels a lot better now that she can see I'm pretty shaken up. Her sense of superiority is restored as she knows she still has power over me.

[newaussiecuck]

I didn't see L yesterday. The weather was terrible and I'm actually glad I didn't see her in the state that I was in. Weather is bad for a few more days so I mightn't see her for another week. Next time I see her though I will ask her if I can begin dating her. I think her talk of hiking was a signal that she's ready. I should have asked her out right then. I'm sure she knows I'm very keen though, so will hopefully wait for our next meet whenever that is.

After Friday night's episode I'm more clear than ever that I want to start seeing her.

[newaussiecuck]

I'm pretty concerned and apprehensive about how this will play out. I'm kind of expecting full psychological warfare and will need to be very strong in my convictions. Proceeding slowly should hopefully reduce the risk to my physical safety but I will still need to be on guard.

Wow, how close to the money was this quote from end of March!

Things tonight are a lot calmer. Not that I'm relaxing. Tomorrow is a new day, and work seems to be triggering her.

Hopefully I'll be able to get a much needed good sleep tonight.

[Long Lurker 34]

NAC - Clearly the past few days have been absolutely horrible.
Based on "I couldn't sleep last night as I realised that I was in a very vulnerable position right when she snapped. I had eyes closed and headphones in my ears blocking my hearing. She could have just as easily grabbed a knife from the kitchen if her rage was directed at me instead of what she had planned. I probably would have been defenceless. I won't be using headphones again like that." And you would know as it's your situation that while the high emotional state she was in has subsided, for the moment, for your physical safety get yourself out of there.

Remember to breath and walking the dog is a good excuse to at least temporarily leave the house.

[Domingo-ITA]

I am very sorry to learn all of this.
Suicide threatening seems, in this case, an abusive behaviour again, but who knows? It’s your duty now to do what you can to avoid all risks. Please bear in mind that suicidary thoughts are to be diagnosed and treated, so it’s necessary to have your wife be seen by a psychiatrist.
When risks will be down to normality again, you may want to go on with your projects of divorcing.
I think you should talk clearly to your wife about her three years away with her online relation. She thinks you aren’t aware of that, or she acts like you weren’t aware.

As for L., I think you are going too far. She doesn’t seem interested. However, you are not able to date her (or any other person) now, because of your wife’s condition which can’t make you sure if and when you’ll be able to get a divorce. In six-nine months you’ll be in a much safer place, provided your wife has been treated by a psychiatrist.
Of course, all this is valid if the suicide threatening wasn’t a fake on her part (something only a psychiatrist can tell you). If, on the contrary, it has been an abusive behaviour with no real suicide thoughts, run away.

[newaussiecuck]

NAC - Clearly the past few days have been absolutely horrible.
Based on "I couldn't sleep last night as I realised that I was in a very vulnerable position right when she snapped. I had eyes closed and headphones in my ears blocking my hearing. She could have just as easily grabbed a knife from the kitchen if her rage was directed at me instead of what she had planned. I probably would have been defenceless. I won't be using headphones again like that." And you would know as it's your situation that while the high emotional state she was in has subsided, for the moment, for your physical safety get yourself out of there.

Remember to breath and walking the dog is a good excuse to at least temporarily leave the house.

Thank you for your input and concern. Yes it's been absolutely horrible. I'm away from the house right now at work. Still really shaken up.

The scariest part for me was how quickly she changed. I wouldn't have put on the headphones if I thought there was any danger right then.

I probably should leave the house but I'm very concerned for her well-being if I do leave. Feeling very stuck.

[newaussiecuck]

I am very sorry to learn all of this.
Suicide threatening seems, in this case, an abusive behaviour again, but who knows? It’s your duty now to do what you can to avoid all risks. Please bear in mind that suicidary thoughts are to be diagnosed and treated, so it’s necessary to have your wife be seen by a psychiatrist.
When risks will be down to normality again, you may want to go on with your projects of divorcing.
I think you should talk clearly to your wife about her three years away with her online relation. She thinks you aren’t aware of that, or she acts like you weren’t aware.

As for L., I think you are going too far. She doesn’t seem interested. However, you are not able to date her (or any other person) now, because of your wife’s condition which can’t make you sure if and when you’ll be able to get a divorce. In six-nine months you’ll be in a much safer place, provided your wife has been treated by a psychiatrist.
Of course, all this is valid if the suicide threatening wasn’t a fake on her part (something only a psychiatrist can tell you). If, on the contrary, it has been an abusive behaviour with no real suicide thoughts, run away.

Thank you also for your valuable input and concern. Right now I'm in the process of searching for and then making arrangements for her to see a psychologist. Not sure if I should seek a psychiatrist, psychologist or counsellor. Not really sure what the difference is to be honest.

Then I'll be speaking to a lawyer. If she refuses to see someone, a lawyer should be able to get it court ordered.

I'm not sure if her threats were real (I kind of have to assume they were) but they were also very manipulative. Emotional blackmail. She seemed rather very happy last night. I'm not sure someone's mood can change from suicidal to happy so quickly, in like a day or two. I feel it might be a bit of happy because it was mission accomplished. However, she did say at the time that she has been depressed and just needs hope, so I really don't know.

I just know that it really sucks to be so depended on when she couldn't give 2 shits about me for nearly 3 years.

I want to speak about her online relationship, but I don't feel like I want to do it alone. I think it will trigger something really bad if I push it to an outright accusation. I've pushed it HARD to the point where she would very clearly know that I know. Yet somehow even now it doesn't seem to register with her. Somthing is clearly wrong there.


As for L, yes that is of lesser concern right now. I did meet her when I was effectively single for 2 years and in a very good space. Things obviously changed Friday. I'll let her know my feelings and would like to see her with the caveat that I have a lot of shit to deal with so will need to keep it pretty casual. The hike she mentioned last time I saw her does sound nice.

I think L is interested but I think she and her mother understand I'm married so keeping the frequency of our meetings down.

I also understand, culturally, that I am required to make the next move if anything is to proceed. I think the hike comment was a signal that she's thinking of something outside of the park.

[whosbeensleeping]

Wrote this before seeing your last update, but I guess it still applies.
If there's a help line you can call it might be wise.
Not sure if being with your family is an option right now.
There's the metaphor popular in addiction literature of putting on your own oxygen mask before putting on those of others. You might be able to show her compassion, but need to protect yourself first.

Edit: meant to say above "Is being with your family an option?"

[newaussiecuck]

Wrote this before seeing your last update, but I guess it still applies.
If there's a help line you can call it might be wise.
Not sure if being with your family is an option right now.
There's the metaphor popular in addiction literature of putting on your own oxygen mask before putting on those of others. You might be able to show her compassion, but need to protect yourself first.

Edit: meant to say above "Is being with your family an option?"

Thank you, yes I do feel like I'm fast running out of oxygen. Need to start looking after myself. I'm carrying a lot.

My closest family member is 700km away (7 hour drive), and no friends apart from the people I know during the 7 months I've been at this job and the people I've met at the dog park. That's it unfortunately. My wife was my best friend and until last few years that was enough for me.

I called the help line on Saturday but it was just a 20 minute conversation.

Edit: Yes driving up to see my family is an option if needed.

[newaussiecuck]

Just called her during my lunch break and she sounds as happy as ever. She's busying herself planting seedlings in the garden and redecorating the kitchen.

I'm glad she's feeling better and has something to do. However it's all taken a really big toll on me. I was just crying in the bathroom at work for example.

Will pull on the oxygen mask now and look after myself first. Need to get back into the head space I was in before. I was actually seriously happy and looking forward to a great future. Right now everywhere I look I can just see problems and obstacles from getting what I want and need.

I think I need to pull on my oxygen mask, say fuck it and just blast through the obstacles. I need to actually care about myself for once and remember what the counsellor said, that I'm not responsible for her mental health and if something like that happens again to call an ambulance.

I've taken on too much, allowed her to hurt me too much and it needs to stop.

[whosbeensleeping]

Agreed.

[newaussiecuck]

Busy day for me. I just spoke with a law firm specialising in family law / divorce and I have an appointment to go and see them on Wednesday.

[newaussiecuck]

Agreed.

I spent a fair bit of time and energy this morning looking for psychologist or something for her. However knowing that she probably won't want to go I just thought fuck it. Instead of going to all that effort to set something up I'll just ask tonight if she'll go see someone. If she agrees then I can book somthing or even just go to a doctor and ask for a referral. If not then I'll see what the lawyer says on Wednesday. If needs be they could probably get a court to order a psych assessment.

If I sense a negative shift in her mood I'll vacate even if it's to the spare bedroom where I can lock/barricade the door. Physically she's MUCH smaller than me so can't remotely overpower me physically, so she could only hurt me if I'm defenceless. I don't really think she'll actually physically hurt me unless/until I tell her I'm leaving and then all bets are off I guess. I don't think I can stay once I tell her that.

[newaussiecuck]

Thought of an important point from Friday night's episode. When she was really upset she said (accusingly) "You blame me. You blame me for your dad".

When I think about that again now, I think she was so upset about that as she sees it as an attack on her. If she's so perfect (in her own mind), then how dare I blame her for something.

Says a bit I think.

[newaussiecuck]

Of course, all this is valid if the suicide threatening wasn’t a fake on her part (something only a psychiatrist can tell you). If, on the contrary, it has been an abusive behaviour with no real suicide thoughts, run away.

Just thinking more about this part.

I may be wrong, but in my mind I would think that if her thoughts were real and she had intentions then I should be able to persuade her to seek help, even if it's for my sake.

If it was purely for manipulation purposes (and if she is aware of that), then she would avoid at all costs agreeing to seek help. She wouldn't risk getting called out on her behaviour by a professional.

Not agreeing to go doesn't mean it was faked (it could still be real, but maybe she feels it's under control now). However I think agreeing to go would likely indicate she's more genuine and possibly there may be some hope remaining.

[whosbeensleeping]

Glad you are seeing the lawyer, and it seems good you have this place to get your thoughts down, almost like a journal.

[Long Lurker 34]

Busy day for me. I just spoke with a law firm specialising in family law / divorce and I have an appointment to go and see them on Wednesday.

NAC - Very glad to learn you are seeing a lawyer. Regarding seeing psychologist, I would suggest getting an appointment for yourself. Whether you realise it or not you have suffered mental trauma over these past 3-4 years and far better to get dealt with now with a professional. Someone you can actually speak with rather than us online know it all's.



If I sense a negative shift in her mood I'll vacate even if it's to the spare bedroom where I can lock/barricade the door. Physically she's MUCH smaller than me so can't remotely overpower me physically, so she could only hurt me if I'm defenceless. I don't really think she'll actually physically hurt me unless/until I tell her I'm leaving and then all bets are off I guess. I don't think I can stay once I tell her that.

Don't make the mistake of thinking you can't be ambushed even if she is smaller.

Be well and remember to breath.

[newaussiecuck]

Glad you are seeing the lawyer, and it seems good you have this place to get your thoughts down, almost like a journal.

Thank you. I don't really know how to feel about the lawyer. I never in a million years thought it would come to this. I married for life and I do still love her, but I have to realise that she's not who I thought she was. I guess once you see, you can't unsee.

Yeah I guess writing here does help me some.

[newaussiecuck]

Busy day for me. I just spoke with a law firm specialising in family law / divorce and I have an appointment to go and see them on Wednesday.

NAC - Very glad to learn you are seeing a lawyer. Regarding seeing psychologist, I would suggest getting an appointment for yourself. Whether you realise it or not you have suffered mental trauma over these past 3-4 years and far better to get dealt with now with a professional. Someone you can actually speak with rather than us online know it all's.



If I sense a negative shift in her mood I'll vacate even if it's to the spare bedroom where I can lock/barricade the door. Physically she's MUCH smaller than me so can't remotely overpower me physically, so she could only hurt me if I'm defenceless. I don't really think she'll actually physically hurt me unless/until I tell her I'm leaving and then all bets are off I guess. I don't think I can stay once I tell her that.

Don't make the mistake of thinking you can't be ambushed even if she is smaller.

Be well and remember to breath.

Thank you once again for your always thoughtful and valuable input.

Great advice about the psychologist. I think I'll try and find one that specialises in NPD and see if I can get wife to go with me, and use the appointment on myself if she won't.

I do have the employee program counsellor that I'll see next Monday, but I agree that I probably need to see someone else too.

Agreed, I could still be ambushed which is why I'm constantly sensing her mood. She seems really happy now though, like it never happened. However, I can sense her watching me and feel like she's analysing my expressions and seeing where I'm at. I feel like if I'm not looking committed enough then her mood will shift.

I cried after leaving the dog park last night, so was still a bit upset when I got home. I could sense her taking note of it and she asked who was there at the park.

My crying had nothing to do with the park though, still getting over last Friday. I still haven't really slept properly since Thursday night.

[newaussiecuck]

In regards to last Friday and where she said she was going.

I'm not so sure she was as truthful as I believed at the time. After things have settled and I've had time to reflect, a few things don't add up.

1. If you're in that state, why would you come back to get an umbrella? Would you care about getting wet if she was going to do what she said she was?

2. It seems a coincidence that she was right at the door and about to come back in when I got there.

3. I have a security camera at front of house that triggers on motion. I checked the footage and nothing was triggered. Either the camera didn't work properly at the time, or she never walked far enough past the gate to trigger it. It was a good minute at least from when I heard the gate open, for me to get out of bed, put clothes on, stop and use the bathroom (I didn't know how long I would be out), wash my hands. Then when I was walking towards the door I heard the gate open and close again. Plenty enough time to walk down the driveway and up the street a bit and turn around and come back.

So I suspect that she waited by the door for me the whole time, opening and closing the gate so that I would hear it and see if I would go chase her.

4. If she was really suicidal, do people get over that state so quickly to be happy, smiling and laughing by Sunday night? Maybe I guess, but I don't think that I could. I'm still not over it.

[newaussiecuck]

Sorry to all for so many posts.

I just wanted to capture that for the 2nd time in as many days I've caught myself having thoughts along the lines of "Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad to just stay and try and put everything that happened behind me. I had such a comfortable life and she's being really nice to me now. Her computer use has stopped. Maybe we can forget everything that happened and just be happy again together". Then thinking of how much money a divorce will cost in terms of a settlement is making it difficult to comprehend.

Maybe it's because I'm becoming weary from lack of sleep and being on guard for so long. Maybe thinking of how hard things will be coming up, in my tired worn down condition it's hard to think about and contemplate the enormity of problems coming up.

I also think back to what she said on that crazy Friday night, her version of events are so different to mine, and some of them even start to make some kind of sense. I start to question myself. I guess the counsellor predicted this might happen and asked me to write things down so that I could go back and reflect on them when I'm having thoughts like this. She was actually very good in the advice she gave, like she knew what was about to happen. I guess when I mentioned I suspect wife has NPD then she really knew what I was up against.

Having said all that, I was laying on the spare bed for a while last night. Kind of basking in the peace of just being by myself for a while. It was kind of nice, and I finally allowed my thoughts to drift towards L really for the first time since Friday. They were nice thoughts, she has such a calming presence. I really regret not asking her out last Monday before all this hell broke loose. I think she wanted that and threw out hints even (about the hike). Looking back now I feel the timing was probably right just then, but I was in the mindset of just reconnecting and not rushing things with her. I think I dissapointed her by not asking, but I hope she also feels just how much I like her and enjoy her company. I really hope I do see her again soon. The weather finally looks good for this Saturday and Monday, the 2 likely days that I'll see her. Having said that, she really seems to like surprising me and showing up when I'm not expecting it. I just hope she hasn't given up on me, but if she has then I guess it wasn't meant to be.

Instead of focussing on everything all at once, I'll just take it one step at a time. Tomorrow's meeting with divorce lawyer might give clarity to the path ahead. The emergency from Friday night seems to be over now and a sense of calm has returned to the house. I feel I can regather some breath and strength for the next steps.

[whosbeensleeping]

You've observed things accurately so far, so it's likely your ongoing observations are also correct. No need to apologize for posting lots.
There's a lot to unpack there.
Hope you can get some sleep and recover a bit from the trauma. It's so essential, as you no doubt know.

[newaussiecuck]

You've observed things accurately so far, so it's likely your ongoing observations are also correct. No need to apologize for posting lots.
There's a lot to unpack there.
Hope you can get some sleep and recover a bit from the trauma. It's so essential, as you no doubt know.

Thank you! I do have some more. The stress coming down now is starting to bring back some clarity.

I am a big fan of a saying that goes something like:

"Making the hard decisions leads to an easy life. Making the easy decisions leads to a hard life".

I think this is true in so many aspects of life. For example, it's an easy decision to take out a loan and buy a nice fancy new car (as many people do), but it leads to a hard life of being in debt and stressed and short of money all the time. It's a hard decision to forgo that and just keep your old car for a few more years and save up to buy an almost new car with cash. This hard decision leads to an easy life of no debt and no stress.

I have a HUGE decision to make coming up. The question is which is the hard choice to make, that leads to an easier life?

It almost feels like the easy choice is to just forget everything that's happened and just keep the status quo and drift along in my unhappy marriage. This easy choice will probably lead to a hard life.

The hard choice is to go through the pain of separation and divorce and losing heaps of money in settlements etc. Maybe this will eventually lead to a nice easy life with someone nice.

Or do I have this the other way around? Is the easy decision to just leave, hook up with L and will this lead to a hard life? Is the hard decision to stay and stick it out even longer, sort out our marriage and have a nice easy life on the other side?

I think I have it right the first way around and all evidence is pointing that way.

When I think back to wife's actions over the last few years and even to what she said on Friday night "Why am I even here? What is my purpose here? and then later "I don't have to stay if you want me to go then I'll go". Perhaps she's also telling me that she wants out but feels trapped.

Maybe we both need to be freed.

I think I'm ready to see L again now, I feel blessed that somehow she has kept away at just the right time. Now I'm ready.