A virtual cuckold?

[Whosbeensleeping]

Talk to your MIL and see what she says.
Sorry, wrong of me to say you had not been trying, you clearly have, it just flowed with my train of thought.
Have you thought of sending her an email or writing it out on how you feel, if she shuts you down each time or I sometimes find shouting "Will you shut the fuck up and listen" works. Maybe moving into another room might get her to ask why and then you can explain.
Bit of a ramble sorry

I second the idea of writing your thoughts down in a note of some sort, if face-to-face is not working.

Don't discuss anything until you see a lawyer. Yes, you can give her the ultimatum but get yourself in a position to be able to walk out, kick her out, etc and have paperwork ready to serve or at least in process.

She's going to use the time you're away to chat with her online crush, same when you go back to work.

Fuck her, let her online crush pay her bills to sit around all day and play computer... You are financing her emotional affair.

Lawyer, then ultimatum, then serve her divorce papers when she doesn't follow through. Maybe getting slapped with the paperwork and realizing she's going to have to get a job will snap her to reality... Those papers make it real

Have to respectfully disagree with this one. I'm all for an aggressive legal approach once you are decided on your course of action but your decision is not necessarily the same as someone else's. Only you can make it.
It's a million times cheaper to talk to your wife than it is to hire a lawyer. Once you choose the other road, that door is forever closed.

[newaussiecuck]

Wow, lots of messages. I'll have to go through them and catch up.

I think you're both right. He's saying that I should get my legal position in order first, and then have the discussion you mentioned. I think I need to figure out my options and what I want before I have that discussion and make ultimatums. For example, I can't insist that she break up the online affair only to decide later that I can't get past everything and want to move on with someone else.

The thing is, the more I think about it the more I don't know if I can ever get over things like how she acted during my surgery. I went under the knife with her complaining about having to be there and leaving to go home to her online lover. I sent 2 texts saying "I love you" in the 15 minutes before going in and I didn't get her "I love you" response until a few minutes after my last one. By that time I had switched off my phone and didn't see it until I get out. It sucked laying on the operating table thinking about that when I went under. I was so annoyed I didn't ask her to come meet me there when I discharged so caught the taxi home by myself, almost passing out in the back seat.

She's seemed to show a lot of affection etc since I got home last night, but that's only for a short period before I go away, and also because she's feeling edgy about me going to the park etc. I think she might even insist on coming tonight. I might insist that she don't.

I tried the facebook group but they require approval from someone to join the group, so waiting on that before I can message park girl to hopefully see her before heading up. I would like to see her before I go and judge whether this is a possibility so that I can discuss with my family while up there. Even if I don't get to see her, I might still mention it as a possibility and gauge their reaction. Not that they have a say in what I do. Although I don't know her well at all, she seems like a good girl and I think I would like to explore if that's a possibility. If she's genuine, then I'm sure she'll value my slowness to act. It must be a worry if I jumped at her first advance. Being reserved and slow to act would show I have good judgement and good family values etc etc. If that's put her off, then I'll know she wasn't the right one.

Wife is back on computer today, so even though it's my last day here for a while she hasn't put that aside. It's funny watching her complain and realise all the things she'll have to do while I'm away. She doesn't even know how to feed our dog and give her medications etc. I let the dog outside late last night, and she said "So I'll have to do that now". Funny to watch actually.

In terms of finances, I also have to consider future inheritance from my ageing parents. Not huge amounts by any stretch, but it would be good to have everything sorted one way or another before anything like that comes into play. I will speak to a lawyer and gauge likely costs and outcomes.

[Whosbeensleeping]

I feel for you in your situation. Definitely messy.
I think the big questions remains, which is "What do I want?"
Counseling, for example, won't help if one of the parties doesn't want to try to save things.
I agree with the person who said individual counseling is a good idea.
One more point before I shut up for a while is that tackling conflict is a skill, and you won't get better at it if you avoid it.
If on the other hand you stand up to the person who is holding you hostage, or as Gandhi said, speak truth to power, you have the chance to reclaim and find your own voice.
You could always put it in a funny way, like: "Hey, how about that emotional affair you've been having online?"
Edit:
Real conversation requires vulnerability. That is true strength, not weakness. Hopefully some folks on this forum can relate

[newaussiecuck]

I feel for you in your situation. Definitely messy.
I think the big questions remains, which is "What do I want?"
Counseling, for example, won't help if one of the parties doesn't want to try to save things.
I agree with the person who said individual counseling is a good idea.
One more point before I shut up for a while is that tackling conflict is a skill, and you won't get better at it if you avoid it.
If on the other hand you stand up to the person who is holding you hostage, or as Gandhi said, speak truth to power, you have the chance to reclaim and find your own voice.
You could always put it in a funny way, like: "Hey, how about that emotional affair you've been having online?"

Please don't shut up for a while, I do value everyone's opinion. I think no matter which way I go, I will need some counselling. I'm packing today for my trip tomorrow. Looks like I won't be seeing park girl before I go. Interesting to feel how much I want to see her. I'm only going a few days but feel like I'm about to jump on a plane overseas for 6 months and want to tell the girl something before I go lol.

Yes, I realise now I'm terrible at conflict and is probably what has caused such a big mess. We've avoided conflict our entire marriage, but to be honest everything was so good until last couple of years there never was a need. It was all really smooth sailing so I guess we never learned how to do it.

[Whosbeensleeping]

"It was all really smooth sailing so I guess we never learned how to do it."
That's a really good observation.
I wouldn't worry about not being good at something you never had a chance to learn.
These things are deeply ingrained. It took me two failed relationships/divorces and 18 years in a good one to start acquiring that skill. I'm definitely avoidant by nature.
You certainly have some opportunities now to step outside your comfort zone and learn some new stuff.

[afagehi7]

I second the idea of writing your thoughts down in a note of some sort, if face-to-face is not working.

Don't discuss anything until you see a lawyer. Yes, you can give her the ultimatum but get yourself in a position to be able to walk out, kick her out, etc and have paperwork ready to serve or at least in process.

She's going to use the time you're away to chat with her online crush, same when you go back to work.

Fuck her, let her online crush pay her bills to sit around all day and play computer... You are financing her emotional affair.

Lawyer, then ultimatum, then serve her divorce papers when she doesn't follow through. Maybe getting slapped with the paperwork and realizing she's going to have to get a job will snap her to reality... Those papers make it real

Have to respectfully disagree with this one. I'm all for an aggressive legal approach once you are decided on your course of action but your decision is not necessarily the same as someone else's. Only you can make it.
It's a million times cheaper to talk to your wife than it is to hire a lawyer. Once you choose the other road, that door is forever closed.

Just because you get a lawyer doesn't mean you have to divorce. Point is to protect yourself and know all options, protect assets, etc. If he gets the lawyer and gets things in order and organized and she turns it around then you're only out some money. Coming home and the locks are changed and accounts drained would be more expensive.

It's all so one knows the process and options, if she turns around then she never needs to know you saw a lawyer.

He's been in this pattern for years and has tried to get her to change. He's literally done everything one can reasonably do for years and been ignored. Anything else he does will just be repeating.

[afagehi7]

Wow, lots of messages. I'll have to go through them and catch up.

I think you're both right. He's saying that I should get my legal position in order first, and then have the discussion you mentioned. I think I need to figure out my options and what I want before I have that discussion and make ultimatums. For example, I can't insist that she break up the online affair only to decide later that I can't get past everything and want to move on with someone else.

The thing is, the more I think about it the more I don't know if I can ever get over things like how she acted during my surgery. I went under the knife with her complaining about having to be there and leaving to go home to her online lover. I sent 2 texts saying "I love you" in the 15 minutes before going in and I didn't get her "I love you" response until a few minutes after my last one. By that time I had switched off my phone and didn't see it until I get out. It sucked laying on the operating table thinking about that when I went under. I was so annoyed I didn't ask her to come meet me there when I discharged so caught the taxi home by myself, almost passing out in the back seat.

Holy fuk. How insensitive of her. She should have been there during surgery... Whether or not she is in love with you is irrelevant, that's just being a good person.

If you do stay together, you need counseling or something. If it was me the resentment would grow and fester. Seems like it might be.

If you do give her an ultimatum, you're going to need to quietly monitor her internet usage since you'll be working. Easy to say she is hot talking to her online fling because she'll have plenty of time while you're gone. If you need help, I can give you my email and explain some ways you can monitor at least enough to know if she's spending time with the online fling.

[newaussiecuck]

Wow, lots of messages. I'll have to go through them and catch up.

I think you're both right. He's saying that I should get my legal position in order first, and then have the discussion you mentioned. I think I need to figure out my options and what I want before I have that discussion and make ultimatums. For example, I can't insist that she break up the online affair only to decide later that I can't get past everything and want to move on with someone else.

The thing is, the more I think about it the more I don't know if I can ever get over things like how she acted during my surgery. I went under the knife with her complaining about having to be there and leaving to go home to her online lover. I sent 2 texts saying "I love you" in the 15 minutes before going in and I didn't get her "I love you" response until a few minutes after my last one. By that time I had switched off my phone and didn't see it until I get out. It sucked laying on the operating table thinking about that when I went under. I was so annoyed I didn't ask her to come meet me there when I discharged so caught the taxi home by myself, almost passing out in the back seat.

Holy fuk. How insensitive of her. She should have been there during surgery... Whether or not she is in love with you is irrelevant, that's just being a good person.

If you do stay together, you need counseling or something. If it was me the resentment would grow and fester. Seems like it might be.

If you do give her an ultimatum, you're going to need to quietly monitor her internet usage since you'll be working. Easy to say she is hot talking to her online fling because she'll have plenty of time while you're gone. If you need help, I can give you my email and explain some ways you can monitor at least enough to know if she's spending time with the online fling.

Yeah, I don't have it in me to treat my worst enemy that way. People die during surgery all the time, even for simple ones (this was routine but not so minor though) as soon as you go under for general, anything can happen.

Wife has been all over my business all day, it's all fake to make herself feel better for making me go to see my dad on my own. I had to go buy new jeans and she invited herself along. I spent 2 years trying to get her to go shopping with me again instead of making me do it all alone. Now I'm used to being alone. She made a show of holding hands and arm around me etc etc etc. I'm so used to being out on my own now that it was making me feel uncomfortable, especially after I already decided I want to see what could happen with park girl if I ever get to see her again.

Wife's now saying she'll bring the dog to the park while I'm away. I don't fucking want that!! Not after begging her to come out with me for 2 years. I hope park girl doesn't happen to show up at the same time. I know shell be discrete and not say anything but it's a less than ideal situation for sure. She only wants to show up and parade around to make sure everyone knows I'm married so she can keep me miserable and to herself while she has her online lover.

I'm at the park right now but the weather is shit and I'm sure she won't come today. The Facebook group looks like a bust too. Only one person with her first name and surname doesn't match her nationality so it's not her. Fuck, why didn't I ask her contact details earlier? Cos I was too paranoid about getting it found out. Oh well, probably for the best so I can have a few days alone and talk to my family before seeing her again.

I understand rebounds, so yes I do need to be wary of that. Wife was a rebound from a situation more fucked up than this one. I don't do anything simple. I was still making out with my girlfriend of 16 months the day she flew out of the country to have an arranged marriage. She even had me meet him a month before.

[gordon921]

Hope your dad makes a speedy recovery, use the time to really think about what you want.
Would she shut you down / hang up if you called her towards the end of the stay to talk about your marriage? Might be easier than face to face.
The point about consulting a lawyer is to find out roughly the outcome, so if you do decide to divorce things won't come as a surprise.

[afagehi7]

I understand rebounds, so yes I do need to be wary of that. Wife was a rebound from a situation more fucked up than this one. I don't do anything simple. I was still making out with my girlfriend of 16 months the day she flew out of the country to have an arranged marriage. She even had me meet him a month before.

Dang dude, that's messed up! You really go all out!

Hope your dad makes a speedy recovery, use the time to really think about what you want.
Would she shut you down / hang up if you called her towards the end of the stay to talk about your marriage? Might be easier than face to face.
The point about consulting a lawyer is to find out roughly the outcome, so if you do decide to divorce things won't come as a surprise.

My point exactly. Thanks for communicating it better than I

[newaussiecuck]

Yeah it was pretty messed up, I was going to propose to her too. The story gets worse. Her parents set her up on a date with this guy and she asked me if she could go because she needed to tell her parents she tried but he wasn't the right one yadda yadda yadda. She sold it to me that it was so that she could then tell them about me and that I was the right one. I agonised over it and eventually agreed if it would get her parents off her back about him and then she could tell them about us.

I was going through hell that night waiting on any word from the date. Turned out she ended up finding that the guy was OK and it was just easier to just go along with what her parents wanted rather than rock the boat and go for me instead which is what she really wanted.

The night meeting the guy was also pretty rough. She was a dancer and she brought me along to watch her dance and he was there too. Watching him walk with his arm around her. Then we all went for dinner. So I sat and ate dinner while they made their wedding preparations with the help of their friends. They used pictures of her brothers wedding so I had a just wonderful visual of what her wedding would be like.

Even after all that, I remember later getting a hand job from her in my car and blowing a load all over her engagement ring. Fun times.

[newaussiecuck]

I'm visiting my dad, he's out of hospital now but very frail. It's very difficult to see him like this. However I'm thankful that I am able to see him and talk with him etc. He's able to walk by himself and talk and tell me his stories. Some new ones and many of his old favourites. I had to go to the shops and he insisted on getting in the front seat with me to direct the way. He was spot on with his directions. So he's so much better than I could have ever hoped for after hearing the bad news last week. I'm so thankful.

I also spoke with mum a bit about what's going on with me. I didn't sleep much last night.

I made some progress with getting in touch with park girl. There's a conversation that has to be had there. I thought about her a lot on my long drive up. I do feel a connection with her and I would like to talk with her properly for the first time. I was able to find a contact for one of the people I know that goes there and asked her to pass on my contact details to the other guy that knows her best there apart from me. The one that I mentioned has the same kind of dog as park girl. He's now messaged me back and if she turns up he is going to let her know that I'm with my dad and he will pass on my contact details to her next time he sees her. I made it all about my dad so that it wasn't too obvious but maybe he will suspect there's something there lol. Especially since I asked him about her the other day, whether he had seen her.

Wife stayed home, she should be here for me at this time. I think she's panicking about my new attitude and pulling away (on purpose) and all the times I went to the park even when it was raining, on purpose as I wanted to put the wind up her and see how she reacts. Would it cause her to snap out of it and stop the shit she is doing and basically start doing the right thing? No such luck, it's all still continuing so far. She spent the day before I left buttering me up (I think she talked me into staying there an extra day just so that she could butter me up) and now I've had 4 phone calls and several SMS since I arrived less than a day ago. I had to go buy new clothes before I left and she invited herself along! First time in 2 years even though I begged and pleaded with her all that time etc etc. While there, she was all over me like a cheap suit. Holding my hand, arm around me etc etc. Felt a bit suffocating after 2 years of neglect.

Now that I'll be starting back to work and will be busy again, she's wanting to plan all this stuff for us to do. So when we actually had free time for trips away etc she completely refused. Now that I'll have almost zero free time and will need rest while starting a new job she's busily planning all these things. Sigh.

On the one hand it sounds positive. On the other hand I've been here before. It feels like she's just filling up my time and not letting me out of her sight because she's cock-blocking me to keep me to herself. I think she went shopping with me thinking I might have been organising a farewell get together with someone before I went away.

This is so exhausting. When I wanted and needed her the most for the last 2 years she's pushing me away and refusing to have anything to do with me. When I finally start embracing my freedom she's pulling me back and suffocating me.

It sounds really awful but it feels more like panic about potentially losing her meal ticket than wanting to actually spend time with me. Otherwise where was she the last 2 years? It's also easier to fill all my time when there isn't much of it left to fill. I need to guard myself as best I can against what seems to be emotional abuse. Unless and until she stops her online thing (doubtful) then it's all just bullshit. If she stops it and for a period of at least a month or two then I might start to believe it's a real change of heart.

It's pretty draining with all the stuff going on with my dad at the same time. I think I might stay here an extra few days, I'm feeling pretty cooked.

IF I can get her contact details, I will try and organise a meet up with park girl before I reach home. If I can't do it then, I'm concerned that I won't be left on my own long enough to be able to organise a meetup with her.

Wife sent me a photo of my dog sleeping and keeps saying how much they both miss me and she can't sleep and doesn't feel like eating etc etc. However the photo she sent was taken from the same lounge where she uses her computer. It's not definitive but it looks like nothing has changed there.

On Monday I'll be calling a few lawyers and see if I can get an estimate on what I'd be up for.

[newaussiecuck]

Hope your dad makes a speedy recovery, use the time to really think about what you want.
Would she shut you down / hang up if you called her towards the end of the stay to talk about your marriage? Might be easier than face to face.
The point about consulting a lawyer is to find out roughly the outcome, so if you do decide to divorce things won't come as a surprise.

Thank you so much, yes he's doing pretty well all things considered. I will have to come visit him often.

It's hard to say what could make a difference in terms of her online thing. I've literally tried everything but I think at the end of the day she has to make that decision for herself. She can feel me moving on so she will have to decide what she's willing to do to keep me.

While I'm away she's acting and saying some of the right things but until I go back and see how she is I won't know how genuine it is. As mentioned I've been here before where she'll just say whatever she thinks I need to hear in order for me to stand down and go back to just drifting along while she continues her thing.

The sad thing for me is that while I'm away I'm honestly not missing her. It's horrible to say it but there just hasn't been anything to miss for so long now. I don't miss seeing her parked on the lounge all day and night with that stupid smile on her face. I don't miss her complaining about what I cooked or how I cooked it or trying to bring me down and looking for every small mistake to jump on. We weren't having sex (once in 18 months) so nothing to miss there either. I am just struggling to think of anything positive that she's adding to my life right now.

She also hasn't given me the space that I needed in order to be able to process some things and to start to miss her.

I'll be trying to speak with a lawyer today just to find out what I'll be up for if we do split. My brother in law (who I'm currently staying with) went through divorce after his wife decided she was lesbian (I do wonder if I have the same problem) and then married my sister. They now have a kid and he seems happy enough.

[gordon921]

Hope your dad makes a speedy recovery, use the time to really think about what you want.
Would she shut you down / hang up if you called her towards the end of the stay to talk about your marriage? Might be easier than face to face.
The point about consulting a lawyer is to find out roughly the outcome, so if you do decide to divorce things won't come as a surprise.

Thank you so much, yes he's doing pretty well all things considered. I will have to come visit him often.

It's hard to say what could make a difference in terms of her online thing. I've literally tried everything but I think at the end of the day she has to make that decision for herself. She can feel me moving on so she will have to decide what she's willing to do to keep me.

While I'm away she's acting and saying some of the right things but until I go back and see how she is I won't know how genuine it is. As mentioned I've been here before where she'll just say whatever she thinks I need to hear in order for me to stand down and go back to just drifting along while she continues her thing.

The sad thing for me is that while I'm away I'm honestly not missing her. It's horrible to say it but there just hasn't been anything to miss for so long now. I don't miss seeing her parked on the lounge all day and night with that stupid smile on her face. I don't miss her complaining about what I cooked or how I cooked it or trying to bring me down and looking for every small mistake to jump on. We weren't having sex (once in 18 months) so nothing to miss there either. I am just struggling to think of anything positive that she's adding to my life right now.

She also hasn't given me the space that I needed in order to be able to process some things and to start to miss her.

I'll be trying to speak with a lawyer today just to find out what I'll be up for if we do split. My brother in law (who I'm currently staying with) went through divorce after his wife decided she was lesbian (I do wonder if I have the same problem) and then married my sister. They now have a kid and he seems happy enough.

Glad you dad is doing okay.

From what you've said just go for a divorce, it's not working, you are not happy, get it over sooner rather than later, still going to be the same outcome, but delaying it may cost you more, go for a clean break.

Maybe when she's served with divorce papers she might pull he head out her arse, might be too late for you though.

[newaussiecuck]

Glad you dad is doing okay.

From what you've said just go for a divorce, it's not working, you are not happy, get it over sooner rather than later, still going to be the same outcome, but delaying it may cost you more, go for a clean break.

Maybe when she's served with divorce papers she might pull he head out her arse, might be too late for you though.

Thank you!

Yes I think we could probably patch things up and sweep it all under the rug when I'm not around much and try and pretend it hasn't/isn't happening but I have so much underlying hurt and I don't think I could ever trust her to have my best interests at heart. I've seen her too many times now engineering situations that suit her and her online thing rather than me.

I will also question that there were obviously some deep underlying reasons why she said "I'm done" those few years back and behaviour since has been consistent with a moving on mentality. If we sweep it all under the rug I would think it will just come back again.

Lastly our vision for our future has now been ruined. We couldn't have kids so decided instead to work hard, save up and retire early so we could enjoy time together and travel. We even talked about me switching to remote working so that we could partly start travelling early while working. That was before Covid but since then we've pretty much been living the situation we dreamed about. Now that I was working remotely most of the last 2 years and not working at all for the last 7 months and I've been stuck at home with her refusing to spend time or do anything with me I just don't see a future I'm excited about. If I go back and work hard, then once I've slogged through it my future looks much the same as my nightmare of the last 2 years.

Sorry to keep harping on it, but then I look at a potential future with someone like park girl and I see potential for kids and excitement and love and fun times.

I returned wife's call this morning and she starts wanting to plan BIG things like knocking down our house and rebuilding. Sorry but I'm nowhere near wanting to even think about anything like that right now. I'm stressed about our situation, I'm worried about my dad and starting a new job. I don't have any capacity now to even hear talk like that.

[Chrislydi]

I like so many others have said would clarify the legal implications and likely settlement of any divorce proceedings firstly, it's a good idea whether or not you go your separate ways, know the facts don't go blind into choices, that seems almost a prerequisite to any real decisions regarding your future. The plan to see how things develop after you start work seems sound enough and the relationship counselling which you've tried.

The steps about laying out your position to her seem to have hit an impenetrable barrier simply because she won't listen so phoning or even writing might be the way. I would prefer a written format as it's also documentation of what you've done, where you see the marriage and the steps you propose going forward. It details your open approach and attempt at negotiating a reconciliation, as let's face it, it's split now she only there in body but not in spirit.

It's incredibly hard to know the true picture as we don't see the daily interactions, 95% of what goes on and don't have both sides, but from what you say it looks as if there's not much to save and maybe even being on your own is better

Chris

[newaussiecuck]

I like so many others have said would clarify the legal implications and likely settlement of any divorce proceedings firstly, it's a good idea whether or not you go your separate ways, know the facts don't go blind into choices, that seems almost a prerequisite to any real decisions regarding your future. The plan to see how things develop after you start work seems sound enough and the relationship counselling which you've tried.

The steps about laying out your position to her seem to have hit an impenetrable barrier simply because she won't listen so phoning or even writing might be the way. I would prefer a written format as it's also documentation of what you've done, where you see the marriage and the steps you propose going forward. It details your open approach and attempt at negotiating a reconciliation, as let's face it, it's split now she only there in body but not in spirit.

It's incredibly hard to know the true picture as we don't see the daily interactions, 95% of what goes on and don't have both sides, but from what you say it looks as if there's not much to save and maybe even being on your own is better

Chris

I spoke to a lawyer today over the phone and he confirmed 50/50 split of all assets would be the rule of thumb for a marriage of our length but he thinks we could likely do better than that. Still anywhere near that ballpark is pretty horrific to think about. He was also a bit salesmany and after I described my situation and some of the things that have happened he said that I would likely find myself pretty desirable to someone younger. I did chuckle a bit and mentioned park-girl has already made some interest known. He said that I could explore that but keep it low key and not rub it in my wife's face and to treat my wife well and make her comfortable while things are sorted out legally. He did warn me about her perhaps trying for citizenship reasons etc but when I mentioned she was born here his concerns went away. Just on park girl the efforts to contact her have proven fruitless so far. So she'll have to come back before I could speak to her. It would seem strange to have gone to all her efforts to just give up so quickly with me being so slow but who knows.

He suggested that I give them a private email address where they can mail some forms for me to fill out such as assets and a testimony type thing where I would mention the obvious online relationship, what happened during my surgery, the eyes glazed over and typing while I was trying to tell her about his condition, this visit now to my dad where she didn't come etc etc. Then once that's filled in it would be a consultation to go through it all and make a plan. This would cost approx $550. I said I will consider how I feel about the 50 / 50 split and my options before we do that detailed work.

I also found an ebook someone has written about divorce in Australia so maybe something like that would be good to read also.

Wife seems genuinely and absolutely miserable with me away to be honest. I know she might just be saying it but I feel it might be genuine. She's not sleeping, doesn't feel like eating much etc etc. I spoke to her soon after speaking to the lawyer and for the first time since being away I actually found myself feeling some sympathy for her. Is it really genuine or just manipulation by pulling at my heart strings?

I think I will know more once I get home. Whether the computer has been put away or not will speak volumes and likely colour my approach. If the computer has been put away and she starts spending her time with me and looking to making a genuine effort then of course I will try again too. However if it's still continuing after all this then I'd have to say we're pretty much done at that point. Maybe then I could try the letter approach, yes that was a great advice about the documentation aspect.

Just a waiting game now to see what happens over the next week and month. I expect the computer might be put away the night I return but we'll see what happens after that. She's already planning to cook a roast dinner for when I return. So yes maybe some small positive sign there, but I have been optimistic many times before throughout this saga.

[gordon921]

I like so many others have said would clarify the legal implications and likely settlement of any divorce proceedings firstly, it's a good idea whether or not you go your separate ways, know the facts don't go blind into choices, that seems almost a prerequisite to any real decisions regarding your future. The plan to see how things develop after you start work seems sound enough and the relationship counselling which you've tried.

The steps about laying out your position to her seem to have hit an impenetrable barrier simply because she won't listen so phoning or even writing might be the way. I would prefer a written format as it's also documentation of what you've done, where you see the marriage and the steps you propose going forward. It details your open approach and attempt at negotiating a reconciliation, as let's face it, it's split now she only there in body but not in spirit.

It's incredibly hard to know the true picture as we don't see the daily interactions, 95% of what goes on and don't have both sides, but from what you say it looks as if there's not much to save and maybe even being on your own is better

Chris

I spoke to a lawyer today over the phone and he confirmed 50/50 split of all assets would be the rule of thumb for a marriage of our length but he thinks we could likely do better than that. Still anywhere near that ballpark is pretty horrific to think about. He was also a bit salesmany and after I described my situation and some of the things that have happened he said that I would likely find myself pretty desirable to someone younger. I did chuckle a bit and mentioned park-girl has already made some interest known. He said that I could explore that but keep it low key and not rub it in my wife's face and to treat my wife well and make her comfortable while things are sorted out legally. He did warn me about her perhaps trying for citizenship reasons etc but when I mentioned she was born here his concerns went away. Just on park girl the efforts to contact her have proven fruitless so far. So she'll have to come back before I could speak to her. It would seem strange to have gone to all her efforts to just give up so quickly with me being so slow but who knows.

He suggested that I give them a private email address where they can mail some forms for me to fill out such as assets and a testimony type thing where I would mention the obvious online relationship, what happened during my surgery, the eyes glazed over and typing while I was trying to tell her about his condition, this visit now to my dad where she didn't come etc etc. Then once that's filled in it would be a consultation to go through it all and make a plan. This would cost approx $550. I said I will consider how I feel about the 50 / 50 split and my options before we do that detailed work.

I also found an ebook someone has written about divorce in Australia so maybe something like that would be good to read also.

Wife seems genuinely and absolutely miserable with me away to be honest. I know she might just be saying it but I feel it might be genuine. She's not sleeping, doesn't feel like eating much etc etc. I spoke to her soon after speaking to the lawyer and for the first time since being away I actually found myself feeling some sympathy for her. Is it really genuine or just manipulation by pulling at my heart strings?

I think I will know more once I get home. Whether the computer has been put away or not will speak volumes and likely colour my approach. If the computer has been put away and she starts spending her time with me and looking to making a genuine effort then of course I will try again too. However if it's still continuing after all this then I'd have to say we're pretty much done at that point. Maybe then I could try the letter approach, yes that was a great advice about the documentation aspect.

Just a waiting game now to see what happens over the next week and month. I expect the computer might be put away the night I return but we'll see what happens after that. She's already planning to cook a roast dinner for when I return. So yes maybe some small positive sign there, but I have been optimistic many times before throughout this saga.

Hi newaussiecuck,

no mention of alimony! Was that because you forgot to ask or just left out of the write up above.

Regards

[newaussiecuck]

Hi newaussiecuck,

no mention of alimony! Was that because you forgot to ask or just left out of the write up above.

Regards

I don't remember him mentioning it specifically (and yes I didn't ask) but he was pretty much saying the best thing to do would be for us two to work out a fair settlement between the two of us and they'll just use that. Otherwise it would get a lot more expensive and messy etc to sort it out legally. He also mentioned there's lots of different ways to slice up the assets. So it's probably a case of we could agree to less assets but more Alimony or more assets and less or no Alimony. I think that is the case.

Otherwise from what I understand Alimony wouldn't be a permanent thing, maybe for a year to get her back on her feet.

[gordon921]

Hi newaussiecuck,

no mention of alimony! Was that because you forgot to ask or just left out of the write up above.

Regards

I don't remember him mentioning it specifically (and yes I didn't ask) but he was pretty much saying the best thing to do would be for us two to work out a fair settlement between the two of us and they'll just use that. Otherwise it would get a lot more expensive and messy etc to sort it out legally. He also mentioned there's lots of different ways to slice up the assets. So it's probably a case of we could agree to less assets but more Alimony or more assets and less or no Alimony. I think that is the case.

Otherwise from what I understand Alimony wouldn't be a permanent thing, maybe for a year to get her back on her feet.

Try and find out about it, if possible you want a clean break, you split everything and go your separate ways. We sat down and worked out our agreement, got it signed and witnessed and gave it to the 2 solicitors, not legally binding, but it all went through as it was reasonable. I dodged the alimony bullet by the fact our child stay with me, so no alimony/no child support. We worked as a team when he was in school/college/uni, but since then if I see her twice a year... Nothing hostile, but we just have no interest in each other.

[newaussiecuck]

Try and find out about it, if possible you want a clean break, you split everything and go your separate ways. We sat down and worked out our agreement, got it signed and witnessed and gave it to the 2 solicitors, not legally binding, but it all went through as it was reasonable. I dodged the alimony bullet by the fact our child stay with me, so no alimony/no child support. We worked as a team when he was in school/college/uni, but since then if I see her twice a year... Nothing hostile, but we just have no interest in each other.

We have no kids so less of an issue there.

How was your assets split? Was it 50/50?

At the end of the day I guess I can't stay miserable just for money so would just have to rebuild afterwards.

To change topics, I can't believe that I was so stupid not to at least get park girl's contact details. I'm too loyal for my own good when it hasn't been earned. I have so many regrets about that night with her by the water and not at least holding her hand or some other small sign showing my interest. Not being able to get a message to her is really driving me crazy! Would she realise I'm married but interested and she's just giving me time and space to sort things out, or has she given up and moved on.

I do hope she turns up again, I really miss her. It's so bad that I actually went and got takeaway yesterday from her country of origin! It's one of my favourites and my dad really enjoyed it but I'll be honest to say that isn't why I got it yesterday.

[gordon921]

In UK it's 50/50, so we split the equity in the house 50/50, paid off credit cards etc, and then everything was split 50/50 (except pension). I was able to re-mortgage and buy her out. Pension wise I manage to not give away 50% of my pension, but also went for a clean break so my pension pot paid her out a lump sum when we divorced. I could recover, I pay 15% of my salary into a pension pot now (in UK that somes off before tax, so only rely costs me about 9% of may salary, the other 6% is recovered by not paying tax and my company pays 11%, so a value of 26% goes into my pension pot each month/year. She was public sector so had what is called a define pension you get 1/xx of your final salary for each years service, she chose to not go back full time so is a little up shit creak now.

[FNQLivin]

In Australia you can work out the asset split, create a document and have it agreed to. Submit your documents to the Family Court who will check to make sure it’s legal. If there are no children you the pay a fee to the court and 31 days later you are divorced. You do need to be legally seperated for 1 year. That means seperate living arrangements or something to prove or say you are no longer living as man and wife.

[newaussiecuck]

In UK it's 50/50, so we split the equity in the house 50/50, paid off credit cards etc, and then everything was split 50/50 (except pension). I was able to re-mortgage and buy her out. Pension wise I manage to not give away 50% of my pension, but also went for a clean break so my pension pot paid her out a lump sum when we divorced. I could recover, I pay 15% of my salary into a pension pot now (in UK that somes off before tax, so only rely costs me about 9% of may salary, the other 6% is recovered by not paying tax and my company pays 11%, so a value of 26% goes into my pension pot each month/year. She was public sector so had what is called a define pension you get 1/xx of your final salary for each years service, she chose to not go back full time so is a little up shit creak now.

I think I will use 50 / 50 as my estimate of the outcome for any decision making purposes. If it works out better than that great but I shouldn't count on it. Even if I work everything out in detail with a lawyer it still wouldn't be a guarantee of what the final outcome would be.

So all up are you happy you made this decision?

[newaussiecuck]

In Australia you can work out the asset split, create a document and have it agreed to. Submit your documents to the Family Court who will check to make sure it’s legal. If there are no children you the pay a fee to the court and 31 days later you are divorced. You do need to be legally seperated for 1 year. That means seperate living arrangements or something to prove or say you are no longer living as man and wife.

Yes that is the way I understand it too. Kind of like how you can do a big expensive formal wedding or just sign the papers at a registry.

The separate living is easiest to show if living in physically separate locations but doesn't have to be. There's other hoops to jump through if living under the same roof such as no sex, no cooking for each other (you have to make your own meals) and things like informing family and friends that you're separated also helps.