POLL How many hotwife relationships go bad?

[Des 31]

The only problems my wife has experienced have been with men she feels are incompatible personally. That conflict doesn't immediately show up for a while but becomes obvious as the two get to know one another. Differing political opinions, conflicting attitudes, and personality differences aren't uncommon. For her, it's not just about how good the sex might be.

If a wife is sufficiently experienced with different men, that's almost certain to come about at times.

[Msn75]

The question I’d love to know, that we’ll probably never have the answer to is:

How many “vanilla” marriages end in divorce because one or both of the spouses was cheating and if they had just been able to have an open marriage or a Hotwife marriage the marriage would have been happy and fulfilling?

Now granted the issue in cheating is more about dishonesty than sex, but still….

[SSQ]

The question I’d love to know, that we’ll probably never have the answer to is:

How many “vanilla” marriages end in divorce because one or both of the spouses was cheating and if they had just been able to have an open marriage or a Hotwife marriage the marriage would have been happy and fulfilling?

Now granted the issue in cheating is more about dishonesty than sex, but still….

That really is the point. I don't think open relationships solve any problems, personally. I think that it's more of a relationship orientation rather than marital problem or panacea.

In my opinion, if a relationship isn't fulfilling on its own, it's not going to be a success whether it's open or closed. Sex can prop up a bad relationship but it isn't going to make it a good one.

Also, I don't believe that people tend to cheat just for sex. People cheat because they have some kind of flaws on the inside that let them rationalize hurting the person they love. It's not even close to a parallel to say well if this person could be open then all would be well, because anyone who is okay with hurting their partner so deeply isn't contributing to a happy and fulfilling marriage, in my opinion.

With regards to people not posting? Sometimes life isn't sexy lol and it has nothing to do with how the relationship is going. I keep updating my thread but happy life with my boys isn't exactly wank fodder lol. Doesn't mean that we're not happy, or that I can't go pick up someone when I feel like it.

[aztd]

About half the marriages in the U.S. end in divorce.
My guess is about the same as people in alternative life styles.

One thing I see here is many couples have a long hit road. The just disappear.

[LawyerWouldbeCuckold]

I mean....who the heck knows? So many things go into the maintenance and sustainability of a marriage........for a number of years, I have been hearing that the overall divorce statistic was 50%....but I really wonder how true that is. I mean, you see other statistics where the divorce rate is much, much lower, when you control for similar educational backgrounds, similar income, similar cultural backgrounds.

Back in the day, I wanted to do divorce law, but never got into it, because other opportunities came up. But I had read a lot about impact of cultures on divorce. It turns out that Asians (living the US) never divorce. They might live separately, but rarely, if ever, divorce. Some Latino's do not marry, but form Common-law marriages, and never divorce, even though you can get a common law divorce. Many Latinos also never divorce, even though they separate/live separately for many years.

In my own family.....my sister-in-law has a sister, who has never married her guy of 15 years, even though they had a kid together 5 years ago. They've been living together 14 or so years, and the last time I asked, she said, "well, he's got such-and-such going on at work".......but my sister-in-law's cousin's marriage collapsed after 6-7 years and two kids. Both of my brothers' will be married to their wives until one of them drops.

From my time on this website, I have the feeling that ONLY an rock-hard and firm marriage will be able to withstand "ethical non-
monogamy". But then again, I'm sure there are couples who believe that the lifestyle, with all of it's forms and permutations, has "saved their marriage".

IMHO, human beings are flawed. Period. You put two flawed beings together, and anything they build will have flaws as well. Nothing is perfect. The question then becomes "what do you want in what you are building, or have built" with your partner?

JMHO.....

[Chrislydi]

I always think with any special interest group, whether it be on lifestyle, politics, music, literature or sport, there is invariably a group think where one particular opinion whether correct or absolutely false becomes the accepted norm, the correct position to take. When a grouping have a shared interest they tend to stress the positives and dismiss or minimise any contrary points. A wanted result becomes an accepted result via anecdotal evidence, members swap incidents supportive and the multiplication of numerous 'undisputed' facts lead to an agreed opinion that has to be true. The fact that everyone might be agreeing on something FALSE doesn't really matter as long as everyone agrees it's undisputably true.

To ask a hot wife forum about 'How many hotwife relationships go bad?' will draw many comparisons with vanilla and other types of relationships and has just as much chance of being heavily influenced by group think too.

Chris

[veub]

I mean....who the heck knows? So many things go into the maintenance and sustainability of a marriage........for a number of years, I have been hearing that the overall divorce statistic was 50%....but I really wonder how true that is. I mean, you see other statistics where the divorce rate is much, much lower, when you control for similar educational backgrounds, similar income, similar cultural backgrounds.

Back in the day, I wanted to do divorce law, but never got into it, because other opportunities came up. But I had read a lot about impact of cultures on divorce. It turns out that Asians (living the US) never divorce. They might live separately, but rarely, if ever, divorce. Some Latino's do not marry, but form Common-law marriages, and never divorce, even though you can get a common law divorce. Many Latinos also never divorce, even though they separate/live separately for many years.

In my own family.....my sister-in-law has a sister, who has never married her guy of 15 years, even though they had a kid together 5 years ago. They've been living together 14 or so years, and the last time I asked, she said, "well, he's got such-and-such going on at work".......but my sister-in-law's cousin's marriage collapsed after 6-7 years and two kids. Both of my brothers' will be married to their wives until one of them drops.

From my time on this website, I have the feeling that ONLY an rock-hard and firm marriage will be able to withstand "ethical non-
monogamy". But then again, I'm sure there are couples who believe that the lifestyle, with all of it's forms and permutations, has "saved their marriage".

IMHO, human beings are flawed. Period. You put two flawed beings together, and anything they build will have flaws as well. Nothing is perfect. The question then becomes "what do you want in what you are building, or have built" with your partner?

JMHO.....

First, you are very, very lucky you never got into family law - it's a nightmare.
Second, the best explanation of the various divorce figures out there is on a website you might not expect to find it www DOT focusonthefamily DOT com/marriage/what-is-the-actual-divorce-rate/

[Chrislydi]

I mean....who the heck knows? So many things go into the maintenance and sustainability of a marriage........for a number of years, I have been hearing that the overall divorce statistic was 50%....but I really wonder how true that is. I mean, you see other statistics where the divorce rate is much, much lower, when you control for similar educational backgrounds, similar income, similar cultural backgrounds.

Back in the day, I wanted to do divorce law, but never got into it, because other opportunities came up. But I had read a lot about impact of cultures on divorce. It turns out that Asians (living the US) never divorce. They might live separately, but rarely, if ever, divorce. Some Latino's do not marry, but form Common-law marriages, and never divorce, even though you can get a common law divorce. Many Latinos also never divorce, even though they separate/live separately for many years.

In my own family.....my sister-in-law has a sister, who has never married her guy of 15 years, even though they had a kid together 5 years ago. They've been living together 14 or so years, and the last time I asked, she said, "well, he's got such-and-such going on at work".......but my sister-in-law's cousin's marriage collapsed after 6-7 years and two kids. Both of my brothers' will be married to their wives until one of them drops.

From my time on this website, I have the feeling that ONLY an rock-hard and firm marriage will be able to withstand "ethical non-
monogamy". But then again, I'm sure there are couples who believe that the lifestyle, with all of it's forms and permutations, has "saved their marriage".

IMHO, human beings are flawed. Period. You put two flawed beings together, and anything they build will have flaws as well. Nothing is perfect. The question then becomes "what do you want in what you are building, or have built" with your partner?

JMHO.....

First, you are very, very lucky you never got into family law - it's a nightmare.
Second, the best explanation of the various divorce figures out there is on a website you might not expect to find it www DOT focusonthefamily DOT com/marriage/what-is-the-actual-divorce-rate/

A very illuminating article.

Two points ...

Although a commonly quoted and used measure the 40-50% rate actually reflects no actual divorces at all but is produced via a series of projections on demographics and risk. The actual number divorced is lower and can be minimal, practically zero or negligible for quite significant sections of the community.

It's not surprising which figure is quoted and used most often although it's claims to any particular accuracy could easily be dismantled and be as many as 48 percentage points too large for some in a vanilla lifestyle.

Chris

[farmerJ]

Kinda a outsider here but I would say that if the relationship fails there was more wrong than just a hotwife. I think there has to be a serious communication and trust between both partners, If that is shakey things are doomed from start. A married is nothing more than a business venture, If both partners are not 100% into it it will fail regardless. But if the foundation is strong than amazing things can happen, Just thoughts from a old fart

[jrobb]

Had it not ben for us having kids, I would've divorced my hotwife soon after she admitted to having a 4 1/2 year affair behind my back with my "buddy".

JR

[Parsifal]

Great question. I can't imagine how anyone could know...

Exactly. The methodology for solving this riddle would interest me more than the solution.

[Breakerhymen]

Monogamous……why did you marry her?!?!?

[Breakerhymen]

Had it not ben for us having kids, I would've divorced my hotwife soon after she admitted to having a 4 1/2 year affair behind my back with my "buddy".

JR

There’s a reason to stay…….not!

[luvwives999]

Let me preface this with saying that my wife and I will be celebrating 48 years of marriage this year. She has had 6 relationships outside our marriage over the years, all long term, all ended badly. I knew about all her men, none of the men wanted me to know, I am thinking they found it hotter if she was cheating, I do not have an answer for this. Funny this question came up as I was thinking about this just yesterday. After her last relationship, we decided to try swing clubs. We went for 5 years almost every saturday night and met a lot of couples. You could tell which couples would last and which couples had issues that swing clubs could not solve. Pretty much every couple I thought would end up split, did in fact get divorced.

[Thebestdays1]

I've no idea how many hot wife marriages go bad in general but mine did, as did my second 'normal' one.
My first one went awry when she fell in love with a lover, kept most of the details of their relationship a secret from me and eventually I sensed we should try a trial separation. That's when she admitted the scale of her feelings for him. I thought she'd only been with twice. I moved out and a few months later, his wife found out and he had to move in with her.
That didn't last long however, but she's found a new partner now and is remaining mostly faithful to him. He knows nothing of her past and doesn't know we're still in touch.
As for me, I wish we'd both stayed faithful from the beginning but I don't know if it would have been possible.
My second marriage failed because she found out that I'd slept with my first wife on one occasion and that was that. I'd texted my first wife to say we should never do it again and forgot to delete the text.
I had a hell of a lot of fun but now I regret it all.

[Parsifal]

As worded, the lead question of this thread - how many hotwife marriages "go bad" - presumes a discussion of those that start off someplace better than bad, maybe good, maybe adequate, and "go" from that better place to bad. My wild ass guess is that those that go bad are far fewer than those that resort to open marriage to cure what's already bad. This is not to say that good marriages can't go bad regardless of off road experiments like open marriage pacts. People grow apart, regress mentally, have personal crises, etc, that lead to a deterioration of their relationships. But marriages of people who can grow together and work through life's slings and arrows maturely are unlikely to divorce over monogamish adventures.

[Threeisacharm]

I don't know what the current divorce rate of regular couples is. Years ago in my prime, it hovered around 50 percent.

I have been in and around swinging almost all of my adult life and love having a hotwife, probably even more. My life is much different than most so my experience would not be at all typical. I have multiple divorces and am 13 years into an excellent marriage where she became a hot girlfriend, then hot fiance and hotwife.

Of my previously marriages, the hotwife thing was a factor in only one of the divorces. We both had high powered careers, mine required me being away from home on a heavy basis, sometimes for a few months at a time. I eagerly encouraged her to be a hotwife and was from the beginning of our 7 years together. We also were into swinging and she was cool with me being with other women.

She was a functional alcoholic and the loneliness of my being gone constantly led to an emotional affair. He pursued her hard and she was soon lying about what I thought she was being truthful. Lies are difficult for me to deal with, especially when the opposite was desired. I really got off on her fucking other guys. Long story shorter, after a couple years of dealing with lies and her waffling back on our marriage, I asked for the divorce over dinner on Valentine's Day. For me, it was like a switch being turned off. She married him. He died a couple of years ago. She told me the marriage was a disaster for her. His jealousy and controlling nature were extreme and constantly fueled frequent drunken brawls (including physical). If it had not been for booze, she was a natural hotwife.

I often cringe when I read about hotwives always being drunk when they are fucking others.

After decades in swinging and being a hotwife husband, it would seem the divorce rate for hotwife couples is somewhat under the divorce rate for vanilla couples. It often seems alcohol, lies and the wrong other man or a wife that wasn't as committed the marriage in the beginning as she said she was, as well as the husband being out of control with jealousy after he talked her into being a hotwife to begin with, are the major factors.

My somewhat educated guess is in the mid 30 percent range. I assume that regular marriage divorce rates approach 50 percent?

I had three relationships end with swinging, hot g/f and hotwife relationships.

The first one we were swinging and both of us were playing solo and we became disconnected and had we (I), decided on a hotwife lifestyle it would have worked.

When we split up, I dated a hot blonde who was a tonne of fun and for 2 years we had so many experiences together but ultimately she ended it because I didn't romance her at the same time and should have taken a backseat and let her be in control.

When I met my second wife, she let me know early on that she was a size queen and something clicked and I wanted to see her with other men. I had watched my first wife with others and mostly thought back to our experiences with another male.

We had some experiences but she would go back and forth on where she was at and ultimately fell in love with her Bull who we disagreed on, and left me for him. Again the theme of forgetting to romance her was an issue along with her alcoholism.

I would say that this lifestyle could work but you have to have an open relationship based on respect, honesty and romance. Also from what I have gathered from my experience and others I have listened to either here or reddit, even though men say they want their wife/girlfriend to hook up, they probably show jealousy and control and lack communication.

I remember watching a younger male on a vacation pleasing my ex and giving me what I wanted and the next day her being mad at me for trying to talk about it, and her having a hangover. My approach should have been to romance her after this and to take a submissive approach and to tell her how cuckold angst works, although I didn't know that back then.

I think for anyone considering this lifestyle you have to talk to your partner and ask them and agree that if you ask or say anything that seems like jealousy, that you want her to be open with you and actually get off on not only the act of sex but also teasing. For the men, you have to slow down and consider she is hearing something different than you are saying.

In my above vacation story, I got up in the morning to go to the gym and came back, jumped in the shower and crawled back in bed hard. She being hung over and sore, I should have been more tender when she told me her vajayjay needed a break. I brought up her picking the guy up and them kissing and fucking and asking her if she enjoyed it. She replied she did I for me. I said I would have liked it better next time if she would look at me, talk to me and involve me. And she fired off that she couldn't make me happy and got up and said she didn't want to talk about it and showered and got her bikini on and we went to the beach.

What I learned too late was that my communication was the problem. Had I went to the gym, picked a flower and simply kissed her and told her thank you for last night, I could have waited till she woke up and had her first drink of the day to say things like "when you picked him up and made out on the dance floor I was instantly turned on" and "you two had amazing sexual chemistry and I liked that you lost your self and I got a private show". You also have to know to not to push all at once, and I could have later said " you know I felt jealous a bit but that is a turn on. Hoping if you invite him for round two you will work on making me jealous by talking and looking at me and playing on making me watch".

After he came in her and left but she was intoxicated, so her verbal on making me clean up and sloppy seconds and her asking me if I liked watching her get fucked was hot and the next morning I wanted to keep talking when she needed time to process.

A simple thank you for giving me that experience would have went a long way as would have knowing then what I know now, to have simply talked about how jealousy is a turn on.

100% of all marriages fail due to communication problems.

[jane]

isn't this difficult to say? i mean if a relationship goes bad they aren't here posting about it most likely. some have---but most just disappear.

[brutay2]

True mostly the lover simply disappears. Remember the lover has his own life that is separate from the cuckolds. He may also have several other couples he meets and maybe that special girl that he hopes to marry some day if she goes along with his life style.

[9214s]

Just my guess but I feel how the relationship starts can greatly affect how well the hotwife situation will work.

If the couple start their relationship with the hotwife dynamic it may be more successful as both parties already know what to expect but if they start hotwifing after being vanilla I feel there’s more of a chance it won’t work out.

[Parsifal]

isn't this difficult to say? i mean if a relationship goes bad they aren't here posting about it most likely. some have---but most just disappear.

Yes, I believe you're right. This Forum isn't exactly a fair cross sample of folks who've tried out a variant of this rather broad category of relational style. Most here tend to be cheerleaders for it. What that tells me is that for some it can start off good and stay good. Some here comment on past hotwifing relationships in addition to their current ones, implying serial relationships are possible for nonmogamists as it is for monogamists, although comparing the tendencies in both groups is, as you note, "difficult to say," because how can we establish fair cross samples for measurement? There are also, as I note, variables within each group that can't easily be identified and held constant.

The main advantage of relationships that practice consensual sexual nonexclusivity is that they can be and often are more authentic and less repressed. The disadvantage is that they tend to be highly individualized rather than socially sanctioned constructs, off road adventures perhaps more at risk of getting lost, hence communities such as this Forum fill that social support role for us to share experiences and learn from one another's mistakes, as well as the many joys and pleasures described by the many advocates for this kind of relationship.

[Mrbigbull]

I think no one can tell.
What I do know that I (unfortunately) witnessed a lot of breakup and divorces of cuckold couples.
Is it all purely because of the lifestyle? I doubt that. I think some, or maybe many would have failed anyway. I think in that case the lifestyle just has speed up the process.

[BT2]

The question was "How many hotwife relationships go bad?". If the question is "go bad", probably not very many. If the question is "end", probably most, for any number of reasons as many on here can attest to. I found in both my hotwife's experiences, and my own, that a couples/couples (e.g. foursome) is much more likely to go bad. In foursomes, it takes four to say "yes", but only one to say "no". And there are many more dynamics at work. We've had hotwife experiences with the same partner(s) last for years, whereas foursomes have never lasted more than two or three visits.