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by drstrangelove » Sat Jan 20, 2024 7:11 am
Update:
I’ve been quiet the last few days as Jan. 17 surprisingly triggered me. It’s an affair date and I won’t bother everyone with the details, but I tend to retract in those moments. Unfortunately, when I retract, my wife feels like she’s done something wrong—it’s a childhood issue she’s worked through in therapy (her father would give her the silent treatment when he was disappointed in her).
Every time I’m withdrawn, even if it has nothing to do with her, she feels attacked and wants to fix it—that then gives way to anger at me for making her feel bad about herself. I know it sounds a bit insane, but we dealt with this dynamic a lot after the affair.
And as additional context, we went through a very hard 15~ months after the affair. The really bad stuff isn’t in this thread (I wrote on another forum at that time), so many of you are not familiar with how toxic it was between my wife and I for a period.
It was a fairly simple cycle: she would build anger at me over *something* and bottle it up for days or weeks; she’d consume alcohol; then she’d unleash a viscous attack on me out of seemingly nowhere. It was frightening as I couldn’t even recognize her during those moments—she was ruthless and cruel. Out of defensiveness against her abhorrent behavior, she would say the most hurtful things she could.
It took me a while to recognize it wasn’t her authentic self—but it was made easier because the next morning she’d wake up apologizing to me profusely. It happened dozens of times that first year and I got increasingly better at navigating it, sometimes recognizing what was coming and diffusing it or walking away—unfortunately, that would often just slightly delay the blow up. My wife never developed a healthy way of dealing with conflict and tends to jump from smiles and love to anger and abuse.
I lived like that for too long and it almost broke me. It was like the stereotypical physically abusive husband who punches his wife in a drunken rage and cries out an apology the next day. I was trapped in a cycle I couldn’t fix—all the suggestions I provided (and our couples therapist provided) failed to protect me from her.
And then early last summer it all stopped. Not one fight—I never saw that side of her. We bonded and built back our loving relationship—it’s what gave me the confidence to push forward with the cuckolding dynamic.
And I don’t want to paint my wife out to be a monster—while she can be absolutely monstrous in those moments, she is sweet and lovely outside of them—it’s truly a Jekyll and Hyde situation.
All of that is to establish that it happened again last night, but it was much worse because of the cuckolding dynamic. I was not prepared for it as I haven’t really seen this side of her since June.
**
My son is with my mom, so we went to dinner with only my daughter—had a lovely meal and a couple of drinks. We went home, put our daughter to bed, then met on the couch to finally watch the Reacher finale.
My wife exploded—the primary attack was that she felt like I was treating her like a sex object. That it’s one thing for F to do it, but not ok for her husband to do it. I told her I understood and it was reasonable feedback over the last few weeks (this dynamic has taken up a big chunk of our lives).
But quickly I recognized that my concession wasn’t going to stave off her anger—it had been building and she wasn’t going to simply allow me to agree. I almost got up and left, but I didn’t see it coming. Name calling and abuse like I’ve never heard and she attacked me in a spectrum of ways that genuinely hurt me. It escalated to her accusation that I don’t love and respect her.
For our purposes here, we had an exchange in which I suggested we take a pause with F because very clearly we don’t have a healthy dynamic right now if she feels that way. I told her I’d work on whatever was needed to make sure we both feel loved and respected—and ultimately safe in our marriage.
That’s when it went off the rails and she told me she would not stop seeing him. I pressed many times throughout the night and she held firm—I was cornered and felt like there was no way to respond other than threatening separation—I explained that this was no longer a partnership if she’s unilaterally going to continue seeing him against my wishes.
She flatly explained that she was calling my bluff—she said she knew I’d cave on the pause because I like the dynamic so much, but that even if I didn’t, she knew I loved the kids too much to break up the home. She explained that I had already proven I wouldn’t divorce her these last two years because of our children, so I had no power to stop her from seeing F.
Now, I’ll pause here to say that I have no doubt that’s a turn on for many of you—I can understand that—but it was one of the most devastating moments of my life. My wife, who I found a path to love again, was leveraging my love of my children to allow her to continue having mindless sex with F. In the moment, I didn’t think there was a path to save us.
And unfortunately, it gets worse. During the fight, which lasted from roughly 7:45 - 10:30 p.m. I walked away and went upstairs to the bedroom a few times—she kept cutting me off and calling me names, so dialogue was difficult—and when upstairs I’d continue the convo with text messages.
The second time I went up, around 9:30, I asked her to please not talk with F tonight. She responded with a screenshot of an exchange she had a minute earlier. The exchange didn’t make sense really—it was just her saying “one day you’ll make it up to me” and again asking him to use handcuffs.
I didn’t have time to process it and just told her I was hurt that she reached out to him when we’re having such an awful fight.
We eventually went to bed and I woke up at 1:30 a.m. and went to check her text msgs—she had deleted texts again. At 8:30 p.m., the first time I went up during the fight, she immediately sent him a pic of herself in lingerie with the msg: “So…..when can I see you?!” He replied: “hopefully soon.”
When she screen captured it, she first deleted the photo and that exchange from 8:30 and just used the later exchange at 9:30 (the gap is because I came downstairs and we talked again u til 9:30, when she texted him again).
My wife was sleeping on the couch and I sat next to her holding her hand, contemplating my next steps. It seemed clear I would need to file for divorce.
I woke her up at 2 a.m. and we talked. She apologized for all of it and fessed up about deleting the text, showing me the photo she sent; but she was also still trying to justify her anger. We talked until 4 a.m.—the last 45 minutes were more productive and she had returned back to my loving wife. She was cuddled with me and horrified by her behavior as it all replayed in her head. She of course then agreed she’d stop seeing F if I wanted.
I’ll pause again here to explain that I know this must be hard to imagine, but she really is a different person. She gets blinded with rage and feels her attacks are needed to defend herself. She’s aware of it, but can’t identify it in the moment. I can, so it was on me not to allow that horrible convo to continue last night, though I wouldn’t have been able to stop her chatting with F I suppose (he barely engaged as he was working).
She asked if we could go upstairs to bed together and I agreed—I was really shaken, but seeing that divorce may not be needed immediately calmed me a bit. I still had a lot to talk through with her, but it could wait for morning.
As she got into bed, she took off her pajamas and hoodie to reveal the lingerie she was wearing in the photo she sent F earlier—a silk bra and black thong. She cuddled up next to me and it was impossible to resist.
She kissed me and started to stroke me and I melted, noting that she was right that I wouldn’t actually want her to stop seeing F. She smiled and told me she knew and that it was time I zoomed out and realized she was in control of this. She told me I asked for this and now I have it and have to live with it. She climbed on top of me and sank down on my cock in cowgirl, riding me very slowly with both her hands pressed against my chest keeping her upright.
It was a bit surreal as it was a mixture of dirty talk and harsh reality. Unlike on the couch downstairs, now I was able to lean into it. So I told her I knew I couldn’t stop her and I was ok sharing her and that I loved her. She smiled and rode herself to an orgasm, telling me she couldn’t wait for him to handcuff her and empty his balls inside her soon.
I told her I was going to cum and she rolled over and told me to cum all over her pussy like he did—and I did.
I was spinning at this point and recognized the dangerous ground I just casually jogged across. I told her that it was only dirty talk and she agreed. But now I know the truth that I’m no longer in any control of this train. I’m locked into this ride and if I’m being honest, I almost can’t imagine a scenario where it ends well for me or her. So to the many haters reading along, at this point you seem to be right.
We cuddled and went to bed; I didn’t really sleep though. We woke up around 7:30 and talked for another two hours. This was a really good talk.
She was terrified by her behavior and couldn’t believe how she was willing to risk so much last night. She doesn’t know what to do about it because she can’t see clearly when that happens. We have talked this stuff in circles so many times and none of the safe guards we try are foolproof.
She agrees to three things that she claims she will now uphold no matter what:
1: She will never delete another text between her and F.
2. She will never reach out to him if she’s upset or senses I’m upset.
3. She will cut him off cold turkey if I feel the dynamic is jeopardizing our relationship.
I don’t believe she can stick to those things while she’s upset though—in the light of day, she’s fine, but I have no doubt she will text him and lie about it if we get into another fight. It sets us up for disaster.
I also recognize that even if I could convince her to pull the plug on this, the resulting anger and resentment fallout would be likely deadly for our relationship. We definitely need to get back into couples therapy aggressively.
She also explained why she texted him—she had taken the pic in the morning after her workout and planned to send it all day, so once things blew up, she did it to escape from the fight. She recognizes how reckless that was of her now.
It was also hurtful because a primary attack she used against me last night was that I asked her for sex during the day while she was busy—the painful irony of knowing she was planning to ask F for sex all day while being angry with me for asking her for sex.
The one thing I did not account for on this journey was how complicated and difficult it is to transverse our emotions.
And lastly, before others ask, I still don’t believe either of them have romantic feelings for the other. I do believe my wife is addicted to the option of escape—she can get in a fight with me and msg him to escape. She loves that and does not want to lose that outlet.
So while she recognizes in light of day that our marriage and kids are more important, she can’t see that during one of her anger episodes and doesn’t know how to protect us when they hit.
So after all that, we had (great) sex again. No dirty talk, but she had three orgasms and we really connected. I’m left feeling a bit hollow and shaken now. I hope we can course correct quickly.
Last edited by
drstrangelove on Sat Jan 20, 2024 7:56 am, edited 2 times in total.
